Boy Too Big for My House

Sounds like the boy wants some attention and oversight and something active to do. Do you have any projects he could take charge of - constructive instead of destructive? Like heavy things you need moving. Get all three kids helping organizing the garage or moving a wood pile, or stacking things. Either you'll get a ton done with 3 helpers (or maybe just the big boy and you working together) or they'll stop coming over.

I think it sounds like you are being used as a babysitter.
Just don"t get why a 13 year old would want anyhitng to do with a 6 & 9 year old. Just don't let him come over any longer you really donot owe any type of explanation.

I guess I am missing something. That does not sound like the kind of damage a boy who was just big and 13 would do, someone has swung on your door, someone tossed the coats out of the closet and stomped on them, and someone broke the hinges on your cooler. Even a big rowdy kid would not cause that. Maybe the aplolstry could rip when big child sat down on it, or if they were playing roughly on the swing set it could break, but that would not be my first conclusion at all.

He may be big, and he may be breaking things, but that sounds more deliberate to me. Given that it is unlilkely that a typical 13 year old would want to play with a six and eight year old, and that he has been the one to tell you that it "has" to be this way, I would suspect that he is not really a typical 13 year old, and that his developmental social level is more in line with the younger kids, and when he does things that are of his developmental/social level, things get broken, or he may break things deliberately.

The issue really is that someone may need more supervision than you are willing to provide when the three of them are together, but if you have never actually seen him destroy something accidentally or otherwise, then you really don't know what is going on.

Either way, you should be having a frank discussion with these children's parents. You should tell them how much your son enjoys thier daughter's company, but when the three of them are together, damage is happening in your home, and you wanted to find out if this was going on at their home too. That way, you are not accusing anyone, and you also leave yourself open to the idea that the combination of your son with these kids could also be part of what is going on here. Sometimes, kids are infulenced by one another to do things that we would not expect of them otherwise, and it could very well be that both of the younger ones do things that the older child instructs them to do that they do not think twice about, given his age, as you said already, he does boss them around. The issue may just be that it is not appropriate for him to play with younger kids, not his actual size. You really need to know what is going on, or just say what is happening in your discussion without drawing any conclusions, even if your gut tells you something.

I would appropach the situation with an open mind. Either that, or sit with them the entire time and see what shakes out so that you know for sure how things are gettin damaged. You may be surprised.

Either way, you run the risk that your son might not be playing with the girl anymore.

M.

double standards here! It's okay for the age difference to go the way you like, but you're not willing for it to go the other way! Just from a safety standpoint, why aren't you supervising the children? How can damage of this type occur without you being aware of it? & do all fat people destroy things.....NO! Only unsupervised children get away with this behavior, regardless of their size!

I guess this really bothers me because I have a 9 year difference btwn my sons. My older son was very chubby when he was a pre-teen/early teen. His size had nothing to do with his behavior! His behavior was based on his attitude & what he was allowed to get away with!

Have a conference with the kids, give them "set in stone" ground rules for acceptable behavior in your home, & make it clear what the consequences are. & if an incident occurs, teach them the right thing to do: to own up to their mistake & to tell you about what happened......& to repair/cleanup the mess! Make all of this a learning experience, & you'll all be happier!

A 13 year old should not be playing with a 6 year old. I would talk to the parents and let them know that you aren't comfortable with that and that he is just too big and rough for your son. If they decide that their 8 yo also can't visit, that would be sad for your son, but you aren't the neighborhood babysitter. If they aren't comfortable with their daughter alone at your house, then they should supervise, not him.

I'm sure I don't know ANY 13 yr old brother who wants to hang out with his 8 yr old sister. And a 13 yr old coming over to play with your 6 yr old? That boy is over twice your son's age!
If the brother and sister set must always be together, then you are going to have to cut down the time the 8 yr old comes over. It might be best for you to enroll your son in some activities so he has some friends his own age to socialize with.

I have to totally disagree with Sue's perspective on this. You didn't say he was fat - just large for his age. Boys at 13 don't realize their size. My dad was over 6 foot by the age of 12! And I really don't see your double standard in all of this like she claims. 6 to 8 years old is not that big of an age difference... compared to 13! I agree with Workinmom... you need to go to the parents and say that his age is just a bit too old for your son's age. Be polite and let them know you are being considerate of all their kids, but that it's just not appropriate for the 13 y.o. to hang out with a 6 y.o. Imagine all of the preteen things the 13 y.o. is teaching your son that is way too young to hear any of it at this time.

Plus it sounds to me like you are supervising enough as it is... being in the same house at the age group is plenty.

I had my neighbor tell me that she doesn't want her niece in the same room alone with my son. They are the same ages. I respected that. Her niece had issues with men (I will leave it at that). I respect rules of other parents (as long as the rules meet the common sense standard) and I expect that other parents respected my rules *or* my kids don't play with theirs.

Good luck!

I have not read any of the other responses simply because I feel as though it is inappropriate for a 13 yr old boy to be "HANGING OUT" with 6 & 8 yr old children. I would simply tell his aunt or parents or whoever is responsible for them (by the way is a whole nother issue in itself) that your child is friends with the 8 yr old not the 13 yr old and that he is not allowed at your house anymore. I have had this problem with my 9 yr old daughter and some 14 yr old kids. They are too old and "mature enough and more" than 6,7,8 and 9 yr olds which these "TEENAGERS" could be showing the younger ones things that they should not know at that age. So i would not allow him over anymore.

No. It doesn't sound horrible.
The first thing you need to do is give yourself permission
to feel whatever/however you feel,
without judging your reactions as horrible or inappropriate.

I don't think he is a "normal, rowdy teenage boy".
And he does't "have to" tag along.

There is probably someone(s) who can translate beween you and the aunt.
You need to tell her that her nephew is not welcome in your home
and that he will not be permitted to come with his little sister any more.

S.

My first suggestion would be to let him know that you have to be home in order for him to come over... and keep a closer eye on what type of playing is going on. I hate to say it, but what reason could he possibly have to want to play with an 8 year old girl? Especially if he is heavier, he may be outcasted by other kids his age and using aggresive behavior as a result.

I would be just as cautious as you are, and maybe even speak to the parents of the other kids and tell them that in is inappropriate for their older son to play with your 8 yr old. Tell them that you are very greatful for the daughters friendship, and you dont want anything to come in between them, but that you are finding things broken whenever they 3 play together, and you wonder if the older boy is playing too rough...

Good luck, never feel bad about watching the best interests of your child, whether that means offending someone or not... you have to take care of you and yours!

I don't think it's all that odd for kids of different ages to play together. In many cultures, the older kids help and teach the younger. It sounds like this boy has just never learned that possibility. I would definitely limit them to a few rooms where you can watch them, and guide them. They're all still too young to be unsupervised. All 3 need to know what the rules and consequences are, and if they are not followed, they can't play together. It does sound like the boy needs some help finding his own friends and you should discuss this situation with the parents so they are clear on the rules. You should get to know the parents and the aunt to see what their perspective on child-raising is.

I think you need to not blame his size -- its really irrelevant and not something I'd want to hear other parents say about my child, if that was my child....(I'm being nice here.....size doesn't equal destruction or breaking things).

That said, you might want to talk to the parents of him and the girl and told that it would be nice if just the sister could come over and play, that you would like it if she could come over by herself. Or, like someone else said, thank him for bringing the sister over and "you can go home now" kind of thing. You might want to mention about things being broken to his parents, but in all reality, kids need to be watched when they are under your care. All kinds of things can happen when they are on their own and not "kept under control". And, if you were to watch them when playing, maybe you could see what is going on. All young kids should be watched -- not let to do whatever they want with no supervision -- any of them could be causing the problems.

Where are you when they are playing? You should be there to watch them. Then you will know if it's the 13 year old or the 8 year old. Or maybe it's your 6 year old breaking things to show off to the others. You do not have to be there every minute but you should check on them every few minutes. After all, your child is only 6 years old. If it turns out to be the 13 year old then have a talk to his mother. She has to be home sometime. Make it a point to go over there when she is. Tell her you really don't think a 6 year old should be playing with a 13 year old.

SOunds like the problem is behavior issues---not size.

dont let them play inside

.

I am wondering the same...where are you when the kids are playing? You should atleast be keeping an eye on them when he's over, if you're that concerned. Also, you mentioned your husband is on the larger side also? Who's to say some of that damage isn't caused by normal wear and tear?

If you don't like what's happenening you need to be present during the incidents so that you can atleast reprimand him. You can't just assume he is the problem unless you witness it yourself.

I kind of feel bad for the kid....doesn't sound like he's getting much guidance at home. Sometimes it's up to us to take charge a little bit, especially if you're allowing him into your home all the time.

Lynsey

I'm not sure what suggestions I can make other than setting very firm ground rules. There are a few things going on here. I have a 13 and 15 year old and they would not want to go play with a 6 year old. I would keep an eye on them the entire time they are playing - in or out of the house. 6 year olds should be supervised anyway so you don't need to worry about anyone questioning you supervising them. Also, 13 year olds are well old enough to know how to play and have fun without breaking things. It's completely ridiculous that he wreaks this havoc in your home. There's no reason for him coming to the house. When he shows up with his sister, you can tell him you appreciate him walking them over and then send him home. I really feel the bigger issue is that this 13 year old has no reason to be there. If you are hanging around their play time, he may decide he doesn't want to be there anymore. You have every right to get firm about this.

It sounds to me like he's bored, if you had the time maybe you could try to get to know him better by doing something with him...sounds like he needs to know someone cares about him or is at least interested in him. If you don't have the time maybe get something for him to do by himself, or find some cheap craft stuff or things like that, that the three can do together.
You never know maybe his aunt feels the same as you about the young one being in someone else's house...if so, maybe to get better communication with the aunt see if the 8 yr old speaks her language fluently and have her translate if you really want to address your concerns.

AND TO THE PEOPLE WHO THINK AGE DIFFERENCE IS AN ISSUE...JUST REMEMBER WE ARE A SOCIETY MADE OF DIFFERENCES (AGE, WEIGHT, RACE, RELIGON, ETC.) SOONER OR LATER EVERYONE HAS TO LEARN TO GET ALONG/TOLERATE SOMEONE ELSE. With POSITIVE guidance and supervision anyone, YES ANYONE, can get along!
Assuming that someone is bad all the time is bad judgment and morally wrong due to the fact that you're only showing your young ones a negative perspective on life and people in general. Teaching them to be hateful and cynical. Most of what your kids learn comes from their friends, relatives, classmates...people of their own age...trust me they already know a huge amount of the stuff your "protecting" them from. They don't completely understand all of it, but they've heard things here and there that you're completely ignorant to!
I mean seriously...of all the religions that believe in never using birth control; their families include all ages, all the time...so all you naysayers of inclusion...are you saying your ancestors, tribal colonies, amish, mormons, cathlics, etc.; that they're all wrong??? If so, then most of your children shouldn't be allowed around each other, EVER!!!