Boyfriend Being to Aggresive in Punishing My Son.

Are you kidding me? Im not usually so abrasive with my responses but this one hits home for me. You are their mother, their only line of defense. How dare you allow this man to treat your child(ren) this way. A week of solitude???? Not talking to his sister???? If you think this won't escalate you are very wrong. IMO, you need to woman up and remedy this situation NOW. Either move out and get some family counseling where clear boundaries are established and respected, or move out and end it. How sad for your son, all these changes he has no control over and now he is being dominated and put down by some "man" that his mom has decided gets to tell him what to do. So sad for him :(

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Your boyfriend should not have anything to do with punishing your son. That's YOUR job. It's also your job to protect your son. You are setting a horrible example for your kids by moving in with someone you're not married to, and by letting that person try to control your kids with outrageous punishments (like not talking to his sister for a week?? Ridiculous! How is that related to his disobedience? This is just going to create a lot of hate between family members and that will include you).

Protect your kids by putting them first and dumping this bum. Move out.

I'm sorry, but it sure doesn't sound like "children will always come first" to me. Sorry--did you ASK this BOYFRIEND for his help?
Don't put yourself in the powerless position of him housing you & your kids--as you can see--nothing is "free."
Stand on your own feet as a woman and provide a NICE place to live for your kids. After they're 18, you can live wherever you want.

First of all, your boyfriend SHOULD NOT BE DISCIPLINING YOUR CHILDREN. Period.

He sounds like a real douchebag, actually.

I feel very sorry for your children. He is driving a wedge between himself and your kids, and inevitably, between you and your kids if you don't stand up for yourself and them.

If it's this bad already, it will only get worse if you stick around, especially as the kids get older, and are less inclined to respect this tool who bullied them from the time they moved in. And they'll grow to resent you for not protecting them.

NO man is worth hurting our kids NONE. You said you put your kids first, but you certainly aren't, and you weren't when you moved your kids into the house of a man who you say doesn't want kids! What the heck did you think it was going to be like???

At the VERY LEAST, you need to put your foot down NOW that ONLY YOU discipline your kids. Period. If he can't deal with that, then RUN, don't walk out the door. This situation has disaster written all over it if you don't act.

There is NO WAY your boyfriend should be disciplining YOUR children. Ever. Period. He is not their father and if you allow this man to lock your son away for a week of solitude, not only will your son grow up hating your boyfriend, but he will resent the hell out of you for allowing it.

You say your children will always come first, but you are not PUTTING your son first here. You need to let your boyfriend know, in NO uncertain terms, that he is NOT to discipline your son. Your son is YOUR responsibility and YOU will decide what acts require disciplining and what that discipline will be.

Move OUT! I'm sorry, but you're not putting your children first! You may find this harsh, but I have a HUGE problem with women who decide their need for a "man" overrides the need for their children's health and well-being. First of all, your boyfriend has NO place or business punishing your children AT ALL. Secondly -YOU are the MOTHER! IF you don't agree or like the way the boyfriend is treating your child, then YOU don't put up with it! Perhaps your first clue should be that you state your boyfriend will never have kids -so this sounds like something he's told you. Why on EARTH would you move your children in with someone who never wants kids!?!?! Look around you on the news or in a newspaper. Almost every day in every city in this nation another boyfriend has injured or killed his girlfriend's child. Rent "This Boy's Life" and look at the parallels of how great so many boyfriends are to the sons they become step-fathers to. He is on the path to WARPING your son for life, so snap out of it and wake up!

As far as the way your sons act -do some research and read up on some parenting techniques. YOU decide how your sons will be disciplined and raised, not some boyfriend. I highly recommend "Parenting With Love and Logic," "Positive Discipline," and "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk."

I agree your son does need to buckle up on time issues but of those examples they don't warrant a week of solitude. Your BF should NOT BE DISCIPLINING YOUR SON! You are his mother. Until you have made it legal and your BF is a step-father he does have the right to discipline. You are playing house w/ a man, as you described who will never have kids - why are you with him? You are asking for years of this same attitude from both your son and BF. Sounds like you picked the wrong guy. Your priority is your son, 1st and foremost, that includes picking a partner that likes kids and will respect your parenting stye.

I would like to add...he may be more of a good guy than bad, but it sounds like he isn't right guy.

This makes me so sad- your boyfriend has NO business disciplining your children first of all, and honestly if anyone were to ever treat either one of my children like that, I'd be GONE! I don't mean to sound harsh, but he is treating an 11 year old boy like a prisoner, any does any child actually deserve to be in complete solitude for not "obeying orders?"

Do you really want either one of your children to grow up thinking that this is how you treat children? There is a reason it is hard for you to watch your son being verbally abused by your boyfriend- it is WRONG! It sounds like your motherly instincts are telling you what you need to do, and you just need to do it. Protect your children. You are all they've got, and if you don't protect them, who will?

You and only YOU should be disciplining your children.
You just recently moved in with him and it will probably get worse from here, as your children will feel unloved, unsupported by you and push back, causing BF to react even harsher.
He is not helping, he simply wants to be in power.
I would suggest that you have a serious talk about how you intend to raise your children with him and ask him to step back from the parenting role. He is not their father... maybe he will be their stepfather one day, maybe even in their eyes, but that day will never come if you keep going down the road you're on and you will ruin YOUR relationship with your boys in return.
Don't ruin your boys childhood because you found a guy who " has more good than bad" Your kids deserve better than that.

He is not trying to help you, he has a power trip! If you put your children first, I would move out. don't ever let a boyfiend have any say so in raising your child unless it is his own. Ever. There is no way that I would let MY child see that I am LETTING a 'boyfriend' treat him badly or MAKE me treat him badly. If your child needs punishing or discipline, YOU make that decision and you take care of it. That poor child has been put into a situation that is not in his best interest. Once you marry this man, he will try to control you and it will be even harder to get out. Please, please, for the sake of your children, take them out of this situation. You can date this man if you like his 'army brat' attitude but please keep him away from your children. Does this guy really have more good then bad? Sit outside yourself for a minute or get counseling, but truly, this is not healthy for your children at all. Your examples you give in your 'what happened' show a normal child or a child testing the limits. My son does those things too. If he doesn't get in bed in time, the next night he has to go to bed 15 mins earlier. no yelling, no sleeping in another room! WTH?
Why is he only allowed to play outside twice a week? He should play outside everyday it is nice out after homework and chores are done. If he is late, he gets something taken away or has to come in 30 mins earlier the next day. These are normal things for a child and need normal desciplining! You are asking for our help, you are NOT being unfair. do the right thing. Ask if you need more help, don't go it alone.

I think that YOU should discipline your son and your boyfriend should back you up or set the consequence when it affects him (like if your son wore his shirt).

I think that pushing him by taking him away from the family is ineffective in teaching him the behavior you want. If that was not your idea, then I think your boyfriend is trying to apply the military to child rearing and that's not right.

If your son is late, consider things like making him go to bed earlier or "owe" you the time spent waiting (maybe more dishes for 20 minutes). Get him a clock and teach him how to set it. Get him a watch and teach him how to use it. Lateness is a common kid problem. Both my stepkids were late in different ways. With my stepdaughter, it was effective to tell her that she couldn't go out to play because her room wasn't clean. She had to spend her afternoon cleaning instead. With my stepson, we started to charge him fines for when he missed the bus, since WE then had to drive him to school. Find a way that gets your kid's attention. If he doesn't get started til 9:30, maybe his reminders need to start at 8:30 til he does better.

If his "help" is not helping, then your boyfriend needs to back off. One of the worst things my mother did when she married her last husband was to hand discipline over to him, and it really messed up my sister for a while. She went from being an average kid to a very angry teenager who constantly fought with her (now ex, thank God) stepfather and cried to me that our mother wasn't defending her and it wasn't fair. Please tread carefully in this matter. They are YOUR children. I'm a stepmother myself and while I am involved in my stepkids' lives, I leave the big consequences to DH.

This is simple. Your boyfriend set the tone. He is harrassing your son. Your son is rebelling because he does not like his environment. You have created a stressful situation for your children. Remove the stress and protect your son.

Was your son like this before you moved in with your boyfriend?
Did your children build a relationship with your boyfriend before you moved them in with him?
Did you talk to your children about their comfort level before you moved in with your boyfriend?
Did you and your boyfriend discuss child rearing styles and discipline plans *before* moving into together?
Do you plan on marrying your boyfriend?

If this is new behavior for your son then I would suggest that he is acting out because of the new living situation. In which case, give him some time to adjust and TALK to him about the new arrangements. Being 11, a boy, and living with just MOM - it is a huge adjustment to suddenly have a man around telling him what to do.

As for basic discipline - if my 14 year old son doesn't adhere to the bedtime one night, I move it up a half hour the next. I simply tell him since he did not listen he needs to start earlier to get everything done. There was a week once, when he just kept missing the deadlines, the time kept getting pushed earlier, and he had to go to bed at 7pm on a Friday.

If your son doesn't come home when he is supposed to - then he looses that privilege for a week. Um, does he wear a watch? My son was notorious for coming home late until I realized, DUH! he can't tell time by the sun and bought him a watch.

I would not isolate the child in another part of the house and prevent him from speaking to his sister - a little too much - that sends the wrong message - that he is not a valued member of your household. Isolation does not fix anything - just makes the problems worse.

Bottom line, you are THE parent - the boyfriend is not and you get to decide how to raise your children. Yes, children need rules and discipline - but you have too decide what is too far and too harsh.

Good Luck and God Bless

I don't understand why you are living with someone who you are not married to. I am old fashion and I don't care. You are setting this example to your children and it is not a good one. Did you discuss moving in with your kids? What type of relationship did they have with your boyfriend before you decided to play house?

Sounds like your son is a tween and is testing the waters. There is a new man in his mom's life and he is feeling pushed out. You need to get your boyfriend to back off on the discipline. That is YOUR job. If he says he is helping tell him "no you aren't. Stop". If he doesn't, you have bigger issues than you think. Talk to your son away from the boyfriend. You need to put your kids first.

The punishment you mentioned is not the right kind. Your son's behavior sounds very "tween" and typical. Get creative with the discipline. If he wants to go outside, tell him he has to stay in the 4 corners of his yard. Good luck!

If you re-read your post carefully, you'll see that you already know the answer - you just don't want to face it! You said "my children will always come first". Your boyfriend has NO RIGHT to discipline YOUR children!! I know it's hard, but I lived it from the child's perspective and (believe me) it's harder for them! I'm sorry if this is not what you want to hear but I'll say it anyway; if your boyfriend can't accept your parenting style and love your children as a part of YOU (instead of hating them as a reminder that you were intimate with another man to have them!) then it MUST BE "Goodbye Boyfriend and don't ever come back!" You said it - your children deserve to come first. I pray that you have the strength to do the right thing for your sons. It will be difficult at first, but the payoff will be worth it. Good luck!

Short answer. Your children both need discipline and guidance as all children do. That's something that I think most people can reasonably agree on. Discipline means "to teach" and one way of teaching is to have rules and guidelines that have consequences when they're broken. Another is to have natural consequences occur when a child does something they shouldn't. That's something we struggle with as parents the entire time our children are in our care.

Here's the problem. Your boyfriend thinks your son is a problem. I don't care about his background or how you think his good qualities outweigh his bad qualities. This man you live with thinks your son, your young child, is a problem. Sit for a moment and repeat that statement out loud. Say it again. A child is not a problem that needs to be solved. Sit for a moment and repeat THAT statement out loud.

I think that if you choose this man (who clearly doesn't like your child) over your own child, you're going to end up with some real behavior issues. You're going to end up with an emotionally broken and angry child. I think it's possible that an increase in behavior problems you're having right now are a direct link to forcing your children to live with a man who doesn't even like them.

You also need to think about this. If your boyfriend's only response for a solution is to change your children and he isn't willing to change his own approach, that's a huge, huge red flag to me that this isn't a man to help you parent your children and if he can be so hardened of heart to them then you can expect the same treatment in the future for yourself.

Your boyfriend's idea of discipline is cruel punishment. It's vengeful. It's not something a young boy deserves. There's no compassion at all and it's not teaching your son to be a good man. It's teaching him to grow up to be hardened and like your boyfriend. I don't believe that's a good thing.

In case you couldn't tell, I think you need to move out of that place ASAP as in immediately and I think you need to break up with this guy. I see a lot of warning signs of an abusive and controlling relationship.

EDITED TO ADD: I just read your follow up response, and I'm honestly shocked. I'm just very, very sad for your little boy who doesn't have anyone truly standing up for him in that house. You're choosing this man over your child because you've put in two years with the guy? What about the flesh, blood, and years you've "put into" your child? Men will come and go but your children are forever. Two years is a drop in the bucket, and you said yourself that this is a man who never wants children. Red flags all over, sweetie, lots of them, and you're walking in with eyes wide open.

You aren't specific enough about what your son is doing to deserve some sort of punishment, or what your boyfriend wants done as punishment.

My general rules, though...if your son does something wrong, you should punish him...and by that, I mean that YOU should punish him. This new man you have moved your children in with should NOT be punishing him; he has no right. However, that's not to say that it shouldn't be done...if he's just trying to encourage you not to let your child get away with things, then fine. But YOU be the one to do it.

You don't say how long you and the BF have been together. I only mention that because if you have been together long enough to move in together, this should not be a new issue. I honestyly suggest that you move out and reconsider a relationship with this man.

My first instinct here is that he has some jealousy issues w/ you and your son (sounds like your BF is inmature enough to think he is in competition with your son for your attention)...I could be wrong but just my first thought. My next thought is you and he are on to separate pages regarding raising your children (especially your son) and although he is not his parent he is a parental figure and is basically a step-parent and you are in his home. Definately continue to put your children first...they are your priority.

I just read your "So What Happened" and although it is reasonable to punish him for not following rules, a week of solitude and not speaking to his sister does seem a bit much. I am just guessing that these are just two quick examples but if you are not ok with his rules and punishment and can not come to an agreement you have to speak up now before it continues for too long.

You just said "he has never been married or has or will have kids"

To me that means that your boyfriend will NEVER look at your kids as his own, why put your kids in that situation. Your man should want to be a loving roll model for your kids not NEVER wanting kids. If he does not want kids I would not waste any more time with him.

You moved in with your boyfriend, with your kids, and he never wants kids. I just think that is a bad move. Yes kids need discipline, you have to set that and he needs to respect it. You moved in with him so you, kids and him are a family. Family rules need to be set, obey and respected. It is his house too so he needs to have some say but if you disagree then YOU need to take your kids and move out.

Does he love your kids like they are his own or just disciplining because he thinks it is needed? From the little you have told us I think this guy is not about family and it might not be a good idea living together since the two of you can not agree on how your kids are raised.

Wow this is a mess for everyone. Sounds like you are letting your boys get away with too much. What in the world did you mean by 'he is a boy & he is totally different from girls', what the heck does that have to do with anything? Just because you have a boy doesn't mean he should be disrespectful.

You should raise your boys to be a respectful gentleman so when they get married your daughter in law will say 'Thank you for doing what you did so I could meet this man that is a faithful loving husband & a wonderful father, you did a great job'.

However your BF doesn't know how to handle kids. He sees your son walking all over you & it sounds like you are weak in the disciplining area so your BF is going over board with trying to get some respect in the house.

The best thing would be to move out & figure out all the steps needed to make a happy home. First should be parenting classes for you & BF together to see if he is step father material & if he can even take on the role. Next should be lots of bonding between your boys & BF. Next should be marriage THEN move in as one big happy family with boundaries already set in place.

Please stop making excuses for your son, if he has a 9:30 bedtime you NEED to make consequences for him immediately, we need some good, respectable men in this world.

Your boyfriend should not be disciplining any of your children. You are the only person that should be punishing him. If his father is in his life than you could have his father talk to him. You have to start telling your son what to do and not ask him. You are going to have to demand respect from your son. Even though I don't think that your boyfriend should be disciplining your son, if your son is disrespecting him than you need to step in and let your son know that your boyfriend is an adult and he is a child and he needs to show respect. Your boyfriend tends to be a little bit too harsh in his punishments. Remember your children comes first and you need to protect them.

i too would be frustrated if i were he, and there was this amount of disrespect shown to my SO. it would make me nut up that your son completely ignores you and you don't seem to do much about it. i would be having some serious talks with you about working on parenting techniques and family philosophies.
what i would never do would be to discipline YOUR children without your express permission, and without sitting down with the whole family and explaining the parameters of expected behavior and consequences for breaches.
you're not putting your children first by letting a man who has no clue about fatherhood to take over as disciplinarian.
first of all, start parenting your own children. then tell him how much he's allowed to be involved (which means not at all without your input and consent) and be clear that if HE breaches the deal, the relationship is over.
put your money where your mouth is. put your children first. that means disciplining them yourself AND protecting them.
khairete
S.

Listen to Debbie D and Lesley B. and Julie B. (if I could give her 2 flowers I would) and the myriad of others who have given you great advice, your BOYFRIEND should not be punishing your children! He is not their father. Nor, however, should your son disrespect an adult. You need to step up and discipline. I hope to God, your boyfriend isn't laying a hand on your son. If he is, get out and get out now - your children are what's most important.

I think a week of pure solitude isn't a punishment that fits the crime. I tend to be a strict parent, but disciplining a child must fit. And, making him sit in solitude only tells him that he's not a party of the family unit. Discipline him according to the rule he broke, then everyone needs to move on and be a family. If that means that you are also affected by the t.v. watching, then so be it - perhaps when he's grounded from something, you have more family nights.

It's difficult for you (and your son) because of his age and circumstances (where's his Dad, now there's this new guy who Mom has just decided to not only move in with, but also handed over discipline of her most beloved children to - this makes no sense...). He needs specific expectations, boundaries and consequences laid out for him BEFORE he breaks the rule - even if it means writing it all out, discussing it with him and then having him agree to it by signing it. For example,
"we expect you to be in bed by 9:30 every night. That means, everything cleaned up, teeth brushed, etc. and lights out by 9:30. If you fail to meet this expectation because you were too busy playing with "xyz", that will get taken away for a week and you will have to go to bed 30 minutes earlier the next night. You will also be required to sincerely apologize for any back talking in writing before "xyz" is returned to you." so forth and so on. I don't think solitude works, but rather requiring him to be with everyone, but not doing the things he wants to do - no watching t.v., no playing video games, etc. You can discipline by taking away items and still be a family by perhaps doing things together - games, etc. Discipline doesn't have to be miserable, it has to fit the crime and it has to include discussion.

But, most of all, it should come from you, not your boyfriend.

You may also want to have a nice sit down with your son (just the two of you) to find out if he's upset with you for moving in with your boyfriend. My Mom did that to me, and I was livid. She also turned over the discipline to the guy - I have never forgiven her for it (and we actually have a good relationship) - it told me that I was less of a priority for her than he was, it told me that she was weak willed, and I was a very, very angry teen. I was grounded ALL the time and yet, as an adult when I look back at what I was getting in trouble for, I was quite normal and better than most friends I know. The punishment never fit the crime and I will forever remember how my Mother didn't stand up and demand to be the parent she should have been.

Your son does need his tendency of not listening to you and the rules nipped in the bud... but you as the Mother need to enforce this. Your permissiveness will cause many issues down the road. Yes, every child - BOY or GIRL - test the limits and hard lines of boundaries set by the main parent. That does not mean it needs to be taken as acceptable behavior.

There are times where leeways can be offered or special situations call for different times set up - - but as an everyday occurrance? No. Step up and stop feeling bad for doing your job as a parent - which is both offering love and support as well as loving discipline knowing you are grooming your child to be a wonderful, thoughtful, responsible human being.

Hmmmm..........lets see......boyfriend on the left hand and my kids on the right hand.......you know what I'd do?

I would open up my left hand and drop him. HE HAS NO BUSINESS PUNISHING YOUR KIDS. All he's teaching them is to be a horse's butt like himself.

YOU teach them, thats your job, not his.

I don't have any good advice for you other than NEVER let your boyfriend punish your child. That is your job, yours and yours alone. This man is not your husband, he is not the kids stepfather. He is simply "moms boyfriend". He should not be punishing your kids.

Also, I have to say I was a little surprised to read "we allow the kids to play outside twice a week". Huh? You only let your kids play outside two times a week? Kids need fresh air. They need to run and play outside and have fun and burn off their extra energy. I think kids should play outside every day (weather permitting). Maybe your son doesn't want to go to bed at 9:30 because he is not tired. He might not be getting enough exercise. Sorry, I'm not trying to sound rude, but it seems really strange to me that you would only let the kids outside twice a week.

I think you've answered your own question...if you truly want to put your children first, you will not allow anyone but yourself to discipline them. If you only recently moved in with this guy, then you can just as easily move out. SHOW your kids by your actions that you are indeed committed to putting them first. This does not sound like the kind of guy that you can build a life with.

boyfriends come and go but children are forever. Trust your gut instincts. If it feels wrong then most likely it is. Be careful how you handle this situation as an eleven year old is heading into puberty and will distance himself from you for a few years anyway. You want him to feel that you are always there to support him (you don't have to like what he does but you will be fair). If your boyfriend thinks your son is a problem now then it will only get worse as your son starts to behave like a normal hormone driven moody teenage boy lol
Good luck

My opinion is that you should be the only one to punish your children. Your boyfriend can talk to you about his concerns and should be able to talk to your son to iron out any issue the two of them may have with each other. It's just my opinion but your boyfriend is just your boyfriend; he is not your sons' parent. He hasn't earned his stripes yet in this whole family dynamic to allow him to step in and parent your boys like that.

Although your boyfriend has probably bonded with you, he probably hasn't bonded with your sons and there may be some control issues going on here that will lead to a lot of dysfunction in the family if not nipped in the bud immediately. Please don't let your boyfriend discipline your children. It's just not appropriate for him to do so at this time.

Hope you can work all of this out.

ADDED: The week of solitude is excessive and doesn't fit the infraction. If this continues, you are going to end up having some serious issues with your son.

He is not your child's parent, so he should not be disciplining him.

This is a tough one. On one hand I can see where the boyfriend could be over-stepping the boundaries because those are YOUR children. However, in order for your son to ever respect him and you I think he is doing you a huge favor.
Your son not respecting the rules ....such as what time he is supposed to return home and what time he is supposed to be going to bed is just the beginning momma. If you don't get a handle on it now when he is just a few years older you are gonna have your hands absolutely FULL to the max. That is a complete disrespect to you and the boyfriend and your son needs to learn to respect that no matter what. Every action has a consequence. That is what I teach my girls. When they haven't managed their time appropriately then guess what? There is a consequence to that such as them not having as much "play" time as they would have "liked" to have. I tell them if you would spend the time to clean up as you go then at the end of the day you wouldn't have to spend an hour cleaning up in here to where you would have more time to play. If you don't teach him now to respect the rules of the house-its only going to get worse if you continue to feel sorry for your son. He needs to learn to respect those rules at all cost and if he doesn't well then he has to pay the consequences. Maybe I am on the stricter side too but I can tell you that my two girls know that their negative behaviors which ALL kids have will have consequences and I was having a dry patch to where they always wanted me to give them a second chances.....I do believe in second chances but it was becoming a normal thing for them to ask so now I say no! Not anymore! I give my kids three warnings or three strikes your out. If I have warned you three times and you still "choose" to do the same thing then there will be a consequence and there won't be any more chances because technically I already gave you three chances to make a decision to change it. Sometimes I don't think they take me seriously but if I'm consistent and I tell them to stop something and I warn them that something is going to happen as a direct result....it happens. I follow-thru with my threats just ask my children-lol!
I'm not quite sure I would use the same methods as the boyfriend is using to teach your son and I can see both sides on this that is why I say this is a hard one.....he is just a boyfriend at this point. IT would be different I think if he were your husband but then again if you ever want your son to respect the rules or him if he is husband material he is going to have to learn but I think instead of the boyfriend doing the punishing -mom you need to step up to the plate because one it would show your son that you BOTH are in agreement and that when the "boyfriend" is out of the picture if that were to happen you wouldn't be left behind picking up the peices. If one person is the one doing all the dicipline children pick up on that and then they end up resenting the other parent and going to the parent that gives in all the time because they know they can get away with it. My husband totally supports me so its not one of those things where its bad guy versus good guy. My husband tends to give in a little more than I do sometimes but overall sometimes is okay ;()) As long as he totally has my back and supports me and vice a versa.

I'm sorry but i have to agree with the other moms, and add my own tidbit. your son may be showing him disrespect because he disrespects the living arrangement. Your sons are old enough to know that you two are living immorally, why would you display this type of living around your kids. This man is not your husband nor their father, you should be punishing your son you should be disciplining your son. This is not a good man, what he he teaching your sons about how to treat and respect woman when he has you there in his bed. I say these things to you because i have 2 friends in simular situations and the sons are acting up because they have lost all respect for their mothers lack of morals and the disrespect they feel their mom's boyffriend is
showing with their mom. Don't you know anyways how dangerous it can be to bring men around your children? Watch Nancy Grace and the news. J.

Leave him. If he cant understand that your children come first................

He is your boyfriend. He doesn't have a say in how you punish. Your the parent- tell him to back off or you move out.

M

He should be better disciplined but you should be the one to do it.
if he's not getting ready for bed on time put bed time sooner, and turn off the tv an hr before bed time watching TV too close to bed time can cause sleep problems.
It sounds like your son is used to not having much responsibility and the boyfriend is trying to give him some.
Being an Army brat means he was likely raised in a house that was run like a tight ship.

I would tell him to let you do the disciplining with your children. If he doesn't listen to you I would move on.

I disagree that he doesn't have the right to displine your kids they live in his house. But he is going about it all wrong. If he is criticizing you in front of your kids of course they won't listen to you. He is telling them you are a bad mother. He is borderline abusive and it's only going to esclate. I would consider moving out. This is not a man you want to parent your children.

There are a few problems. One, your children are your responsibility to parent. When my husband and I were first dating, I made it clear that he had no rights or privileges regarding disciplining my son. Once we married, my husband still had a secondary role. Anything more would have felt like a betrayal to my son. So, when I was in a similar place, that's one major thing I did differently.

Two, it sounds like your boyfriend has a point. Your son needs to be more respectful. Following reasonable rules is a life skill. However, he's at one of those ages, so it's going to be challenging for a while.

One thing I know about is having a challenging kid(!)... and the one thing I did not do that I can look back and see I should have is to take a parenting class. That line our parents used to feed us about how we didn't come with manuals may have been true back then, but people are out there with great strategies and methods for helping our kids get closer to their potential.

When I first read your post I wanted to say your BF needs to go but after reading your examples it does sound like you have a bit of a problem. If 9:15 is when he is suppose to be cleaning up and getting ready for bed but he doesn't then maybe you could try changing things to make it work. Every kid is different and you just need to find what works for your kid.
Have you tried asking your son why he doesn't get ready when he is suppose to at 9:15? It sounds like you all need to sit down and talk about the issues before anyone does anymore disciplining.

Well, he is a Boyfriend.
Not the parent.
You are the parent.
He cannot control your kids nor you.

Whether you are married or not to him... THIS will be a point of contention, always.
Because, he and you have different parenting, approaches and beliefs. Your values, differ.

So to me, the issue is: how is this Boyfriend... a keeper or not?
Because, this will continue to be a problem.
And do you want to give up, your role as a Mom and parent and as a Woman... in your Son's life?
And to relinquish this to your Boyfriend?
And how will that... impact your son and his life and his view of you?

The other issue is: Your Boyfriend seems very controlling. AND how will that CONTINUE to impact you and YOUR son?????

To me, you have to re-evaluate your Boyfriend. He is not child friendly. He has different values... and his actions/opinions of YOU... as a Mom and as a Woman... is really, a put down. On you.

Again, your different values.. will continue to be a problem.
He is ONLY a Boyfriend. And he is controlling things. You. Your son.
Your home. Your son's life and how he is affected.
And he is controlling, you by how he treats you.
And IS this good for your son... to see? That his Mom is being relegated to a lower position, and marginalized, in his life???

Your FIRST priority... is your son.
And your relationship with him.

And what you have to really consider, is why you let your Boyfriend rule your son and your lives?
It is NOT good, for your son to see the Boyfriend, treating you like your feelings/opinions about your son, does not matter.
Choose your son's well being. First. And yours.

It sounds like a compromise is in the middle. I think your boyfriend is right to a degree, your son does need some discipline. However, you should be the primary disciplinarian. I agree with grounding, but the week of solitude is weird and not fitting for an 11 year old or what he did. Not allowed to talk to family members is cruel and actually can be more damaging mentally... you don't want a child being pushed over the edge now and to start acting out more... b/c that is where this could be headed.

Really, I wouldn't move in with a boyfriend if I had children. Ever. Too unstable for the relationship, but most importantly for the children.

Your boyfriend should NOT be disciplining your son. That is going to cause WAY more problems than your son's "lack" of discipline.

You need to tell your boyfriend that he may not discipline your son. And if he keeps doing it, you need to be willing to break up with him. Your son has to come first.

And by the way, you can take your son's lead on this. Does your son like your boyfriend? Does your son listen to what he says, or does your boyfriend make your son's behavior worse? If your son likes and respects your boyfriend, then I guess it's fine. However, if he doesn't, you need to listen to your son. You could try asking your son how he feels about it.

Ok, the bottom line here is, you are not married to him and he is not your children's father. Do they see their father? Do they have a relationship with their father? My feeling is if you are not married to this man, then he has no say so. He can fill you in on his opinions and what he feels should be done, but you have to take it from there. Also your son is 11 and is hormonally getting hit (I have an 11 yr old too), don't give your son the "he's just a boy and they are different" excuse. They still need to be respectful to you. They will be treating their girlfriends and wives with that respect one day and you need to instill that in him now. Indepedency is one way. Have him be responsible for fixing dinner one or two nights a week as you teach him, also keep chores for both kids to do. Have a one on one mom and son date night, hear how he's feeling, what's going on in his life, etc. He just wants to be heard and will resent this man whom you have brought into his life if he is not spoken to and worked with.
Also the alone time is not a good enough punishment. That is excluding and threatening. Be the parent, if the TV doesn't go off at 9:15 you shut it off, if teeth aren't brushed and in bed, they start owing you the time. Every minute they aren't doing what they are supposed to do you count the time and they owe you that in work. They can help you clean the house, vacuum, etc. This is an important time to show them that if they waste your time, then they owe you that time back. Again I say you need time alone with each child to spend time talking and doing something they enjoy. You will have much better response, then always fighting your way through it. Hope this is helpful!

in my opinion that is NOT helping. your son is going thru normal boy stuff i am sure. once your boyfriend has kids or yall have been together for a while 2-3+ yrs then i would say he has a right but not till then. if my husband becomes like this i will seriously hurt him. and yes he is in the army. his dad was in the army, his uncles were in the army. army is some thing my husband has been around. hell my 6 year old doesn't listen to me. does that mean he is being disrespectful? NO he is being a KID!!!!!! when my boys are disrespectful of me or their dad or any one for that matter who is a adult they get into trouble. they know better. any ways good luck.

you need to leave. Your kids are more important than what your boy friend thinks. Did he not do any of this until you moved in? It sounds crazy controlling.

you really need to sit down with your boyfriend and set ground rules. you need to agree why the children will be punished and what punishments are acceptable. this needs to be done before you moved in together, but since you can't go back in time, do it as soon as possible. just be open. tell him you appreciate your help but you honestly think he's being too hard. and from what you've said it sounds like he thinks you're being soft. so you need to compromise. otherwise this will never work because it will drive a wedge into the relationship.

Revisit this conversation as often as you need to when you see things that are happening that you don't agree with. but please, do this away from teh kids. because you need to be a united front with them. it will really help.

My fiance disciplines my daughter, and i discipline his sons. that builds the respect in the children for the other. since we will be parents to each. some people say that he shouldn't dicipline the children, but i think its imperative for that to happen.

good luck.

I'm sorry that you are dealing with this. In my opinion, you need to be the one to discipline your children not your boyfriend. He can bring his ideas to you and you can do with them as you please then. He is like a "step parent" and the advice given to step parents is to not be the disciplinarian but to support the spouse. That is the role he needs to play. He needs to allow you to do the discipline and he needs to support. He has a right to bring his concerns and his suggestions to you but he does not have the right to take the responsibility of punishing your kids on his own. Those are my thoughts. It's been my experience that it never turns out well for anyone other than the parent (not step) to do the discipline. If I were you sit him down and tell him how much you appreciate his concern and his support and for his interest in your kids but you feel that you need to be the one to discipline the kids. But that you are open to his suggestions and his concerns at any time. This way him and the kids can just concentrate on building their relationship together. Good luck!

Hello, You must command respect. I don't mean demand, command. That is where you don't allow disrespect and show him that you respect him as well. This could all be because you have blended your family and he might resent your boyfriend. If this behavior is something you can handle, then you should. If it is beyond that, then maybe the boyfriend can help. However, making him sleep in the guest bedroom and not speak to his sister is not discipline, it is punishment and wrong.
Good luck with your precious children.
K. K.

You've put yourself in a very difficult position here. Consider this: if you have any intention of marrying this guy, you'll want the family to blend and your boyfriend will become their stepfather. The kids will not bond with him and you'll be a wreck. If you two are constantly undermining each other now, that will put a tremendous strain on your marriage in the future, too. If you have no intention of marrying and yet insist on trying to blend parenting styles that are contrary, you're putting him before your children which will in turn cause them to resent both him AND you and possibly rebel HARD when they are able. Is this relationship worth it?

One that IS worth it will inspire you to be conservative in introducing your children, discuss your vision for the family's future BEFORE moving in to make sure it is unified, and deal with your children with mutual love and respect.

This is YOUR son. I don't see anywhere that you've asked your boyfriend to help you discipline your son. I think you have to consider the impact that this new man is having on your son's behavior and I think that you need to agree and feel comfortable with your boyfriend's methods of discipline.

You're post doesn't reveal enough information about what your son is doing and what the punishments are. And I think the amount of time that you've been living with him and the amount of time you've been with this guy would be of consequence too.

Good luck, J.. To be honest this doesn't sound like a good beginning... the word "aggressive" alone raises red flags all over the place for me.

If he's only trying to help then he needs to discuss the consequences with you and clear them before he is able to discipline or repremand your son. Another thing is that if he is only trying to show him how to grow up and be a better man, then he should marry you and show that he is worth the trust and capable of being around to love and not just to punish. I may sound harsh and that is not my tone, I promise. I am simply saying that it is what it is and to a child, commitment comes before discipline for me. They are your babies and they only know your unconditional love..you may be soft but if anyone is to be harsh, it should come from a trusted person that they know is not passing character judgement, you. If you are not comfortable with that style of punishment then you may need to reconsider your living arrangements to better parent your son. The other option is to try to get him to understand that it makes you uncomfortable..

I wish you the best.

This is a tough one. I can see your boyfriend's point that you do need to discipline your son more. For example, his bed time: if his bedtime is 9:30 then you need to make him go to bed at 9:30. If you let him stay up past that, then he won't take any of your rules seriously and you will have a real discipline problem on your hands. You need to make him listen to you now, while he's only 11, because he'll only get more defiant the older he gets. I don't agree that boys are different from girls in that you should expect your son to listen to you just as much as your daughter does. You are the mom, and you are in charge, and you need to get angry with him and punish him when it is necessary. My parents always used the excuse with my brother "Oh, he doesn't listen, so what can we do?" And they let him throw a keg party at their house, even though they were all underage. Trust me, you do NOT want to let him walk all over you, because he will. I'd recommend finding some books on positive discipline for his age, and try out some new techniques with him so he'll start listening to you.

That being said, I agree with other posters that you should NOT let your boyfriend be the disciplinarian. This is not okay. He is not your son's father, and therefore it is not up to him to discipline your son, especially as severely as it sounds like he does. He can give you advice, he can make suggestions, and maybe you can allow him to intervene once in a while, but in no way should he be allowed to punish him instead of you. You are the mother, and your boyfriend needs to respect those boundaries. So have an honest talk with him, tell him you appreciate that he's trying to help, but your children need to learn discipline from you, not him. If you decide to get married, then maybe later you can discuss his role in being the stepdad, but it doesn't sound like that is the case yet. Anyway, good luck; I know this is a hard situation for you to be in, but like you said, your children come first.

Tell your boyfriend that you would rather he help you in a different way. Tell him to let you handle any situations with your kids and later you can discuss what he thinks you could have done better or differently.

First you have to define where your relationship with this boyfriend is going. Do you seriously plan to marry him? If so, then he will be your children's step father, and I think he should have a say in household rules... BUT if not, why are you even living with him much less letting him discipline? Really, I think this should have been figured out BEFORE you moved in. I think I'm going against the majority here - but in my opinion, a child of 11 years old should listen the FIRST time when asked to turn off TV and brush teeth, especially if he knows the rule ahead of time. But a week of solitary confinement isn't working, right? And he probably already hates your boyfriend for uprooting his life and now he's digging in his heels and taking control in the only way he can. Sounds like you need to move out, establish clear expectations for your kids, THEN talk to the boyfriend and tell him that if he can't deal with the way you parent then you aren't going to be an effective team, and therefore marriage or a relationship are out of the question.