Boyfriend Trying to Love My Son, Should I Start Thinking of Leaving Him

Well, I will admit I've never been in your shoes. But I will say, what I've learned from people who have been, is that your child comes first, no matter what. And if that means no dating and no marrying before that child is grown, then so be it. If he loved your child as you do, unconditionally, then I could make that exception. But he doesn't. He's told you as much. To me, that's a deal breaker. Sorry, but I'd break it off. You're a package deal - the last thing your son needs is someone coming between the two of you. And I don't agree that his love for your son will grow with time. No. In fact, I happen to think your son is entering the most challenging phase of parenting - the tween years. In 2-3 years, he will be challenging both of you, talking back, acting out, becoming independent, entering middle school. Yeah, I don't see any good coming of that with a father figure who already is less than loyal to him.

It is almost 4 years. If the feelings aren't there by now I don't know if they ever will be.

A few years ago I did a favor for someone and took care of their soon to be 1 year old boy for about a week. (He was not adopted yet). My girls, husband and I fell in love with this child. Given the chance, we would have loved to have him be a part of our family.

Getting back to your situation...calling your son an obstacle would not sit well with me. Perhaps your BF just isn't the right guy for you and your son. You are a package deal after all.

I have not been in your shoes, but I had a wonderful stepfather. And I have a son, so I'll answer.

I get what some others are saying...that he doesn't have to "love " him--just treat him well.

That wouldn't be good enough for me ( or my son ) and I would think if there wasn't a good bond and some love after 3+ years? I'd want better. For me & my son.

Good luck!

I may be in the minority here but I say kick his butt to the curb. The two of you have been working on a relationship for years and he is aware you have a son and still hasn't made an emotional investment in your son and is using your son as an escape goat for his emotional dysfunction.

Any man that would say to me "that the biggest obstacle to us having a more commited relationship is MY son would be kicked to the curb so fast his head would spin".

You say he is a good man. He may be but this isn't a good situation for you or your son. I say quietly spend less time with this man. Don't tell him a thing but go ghost. Let him see what his life would be like without you and your son in it. Make new friends, meet new people, in the between time. This man is being clear with you. Don't let your emotional connection to him pull you into the drama this could become.

I say go ghost, disappear, don't be so available to him by phone, text, email or in person. Keep busy and raise you son the best way you can without this man. He may come around but as long as you are open an available you could become a victim to his decision to not more forward but not let you move forward either and that is a horrible place to be.

My husband would give you the same advice. He isn't lying to you about how he feels right now. You've got to move on or be in a world of hurt.

I'm having a lot of trouble with this post. I can't tell if there are different issues here (I think there are) but you are lumping them together.

Your 8 year old son has behavior problems coming home from his father's house - not unusual for kids shuttling back and forth between homes with different styles and rules and philosophies of discipline (or even when there is agreement). So he needs some good parenting to manage the "re-entry" and to have some adjustment time but still handle frustration and change without throwing a fit. That's issue #1.

Your boyfriend has been in this child's life for over 3 years (you even give us the exact date, not that we need it). Your boyfriend "co-parents" your child but doesn't really love him? You live with this man, but he says your son is an "obstacle" to the next level, which I presume means getting engaged and married? What does he want you to do with your son? Get rid of him? Or is this just his excuse for not making this arrangement permanent? He knew you had a child 3 years and 5 months ago, yet you still have not managed a good relationship between them? This is Issue #2.

Sending them out together for some bonding time isn't a bad idea, but it's not going to fix this problem. You have quite a few years invested in this relationship, so it's really time to have better communication and agreement between the 2 of you. That means couples counseling because you haven't managed to get on the same page in all these years. A skilled counselor can help you learn to work out a better relationship - if you two are more in sync, maybe your son will be better behaved. He may be picking up the tension between your boyfriend and him, knowing he's not entirely welcomed by your boyfriend. And your boyfriend needs to step up and be a grown-up - he doesn't need to love your son the same way you do, but he can't blame the child for his own unwillingness to commit to you.

It sounds like you are letting both the boy and the boyfriend control you - their moods are dictating your actions and behavior. A good counselor can help you communicate your needs, help your boyfriend better express his goals and feelings, and help you establish consistency for your son. If you and your boyfriend are too far apart to make progress here, then you may have to end the relationship. But you need to do that intelligently and with full consciousness and strength. Love isn't enough. You need a shared purpose and values.

You should ask your boyfriend two questions, what does he mean by your son being a big obstacle and stepping up to the next level.

The way I would take that comment is that IF you didn't have a child, he would be willing to ask you to marry him (or whatever your next level is).

If that is the case, I would politely tell him it is not going to work and the two of you would be best to just move forward into a friendship.

I was a young single parent in the 80's. It is a little more common now, but the problem I had was entering into a relationship and then finding out that they couldn't tell their mom that their girlfriend had a child. I see one of my X's at my younger daughter's school or the movies from time to time. Most often, I don't notice him in the crowd and then I hear my name. It is awkward, but anyway, my husband was great about it.

Move on, you will find the right person in time.

Hey, at least he's trying. Real love will take a long time, probably. As long as he makes the effort to be kind and loving, and leaves the discipline to you, as stated below.

And, your son has a relationship with bio-dad, so he doesn't need step-(dad's) love in the same way.

Is your boyfriend good to your kid? He need not love him as his own in order to be a good step-parent. He just needs to be fair with him, and follow YOUR lead when it come to discipline.

I think your BF needs to clarify what he means by obstacle. Go from there.

I read it as the situation with your son and how it is being handled. He may not want to commit to an ongoing battle that will effect him, but he will have very little say.

As hurtful as it is, I applaud him for being honest with you. Step-parenting can be stressful and he may not be up for the job.

I also recommend that you see a family therapist and explore (3-4 of you) where this can go.

ETA: until YOU get a handle on YOUR son's problems and define an effective parenting style with him, You don't have much to give to a romantic relationship.

You have nearly 4 years invested in this relationship. I would first try to salvage it. Having a child with behavior issues made worse after visits with his father is very stressful for both of you. I suggest that if you can find a way to manage those lack of love won't be an issue. Your boyfriend is able to be honest about his feelings. That, in its self, is positive and a reason to find a way to make this work.

I suggest you get professional help with learning how to help your son
manage his feelings and the stress causing him to act out. And to learn a more effective way of discipline. I suggest all three of you try family counseling.

I suggest that if you break up it will take much longer to heal from that pain than it will take to know if this relationship can work. A break up will add another layer of emotional pain for your son. He's already having difficulty managing himself and his feelings. A break up will add to that difficulty.

I urge you to talk with a counselor before making this decision.

So...your BF is trying to love a child that isn't his but doesn't love him the same as he loves you and you think this is not good enough? I don't get that there is a problem, other than you seem to want him to love your son equal to your love for him. How the child behaves after time with his father is irrelevant to how your BF feels or if you should stay with your BF. It is par for the course. We almost always had to remind my stepkids the house rules here, especially after a longer visit.

It actually sounds to me like you are looking for a reason to break up, and if that is the case, please do so. I think that your BF is trying to tell you that stepparenting is hard (damn hard! many second marriages break up over issues with the kids) and you need to accept that, be it him or someone else, you come with baggage and sometimes it IS hard to love a child who may or may not love you back.

I agree with Fuzzy. As long as he's good to your son, I think the relationship will develop naturally as your son gets older and they develop some common interests such as sports or whatever. If he's treating him right, don't throw in the towel just yet - give it some time.

Step parents have a tough job. My brother is one, and the woman he married had two boys and they were a little older when they got married (15 & 21 at the time? Maybe a little younger) Sadly the boys father was killed, and is no longer around. I see the struggles, and know that all people are raised differently.

You have some time invested in this guy, and he is good to you and your son, or I believe that you would have walked a long time ago.

1. Go to couples Counseling and family Counseling.

Give it some time, maybe you just need to connect a little better.

Your son and his dad, might need some counseling as well, it might make the return to your house better.

Or you can walk and never know what might have been.

Good luck

It sounds like you want confirmation that you would be in the right to break it off first, so that way your heart won't be broken. And your heart is broken because you want things to be easy and natural between your boyfriend and your son and know that this would be a hard road to go down as a new family.

I don't really know what to tell you. Maybe, instead of breaking things off preemptively, talk to your guy. If you have any chance at making things better, you'll need to be very honest with each other. Parenting is hard. We just had a tough vacation with our seven year old and to be honest-- there were moments I wanted to just walk away from my kid and not look back -- and I'm the woman who carried him, birthed him and raised him. I wonder if your boyfriend sees any hope that things will change, that parenting will become easier or only continue to be hard...

Would you both be willing to talk to a couple's counselor? Find out what it might mean for you two to be in a family relationship together, what is also going to be best and most supportive for your child and how to do this *well*. You don't have to be married to go to couple's counseling, and it can really help both of you be honest with each other, validate feelings and be vulnerable with each other. These are all good things.

So, if it were me, that's likely what I'd do-- talk further, decide if we wanted to pursue counseling together or individually or both-- and go from there. Personally, if I was with a man in this sort of situation where my child's future would be directly impacted by their presence, if he wasn't willing to access outside help at all, I'd likely end the relationship. Not because I think everyone needs counseling, but because in a situation such as that, making a new family, struggling with all of the new dynamics plus the situation you describe with your son: I would want to have that sort of professional support. That might not be a priority for you, but start with talking. Go from there.

Welcome to mamapedia!!

I'm sorry. This has got to be a tough situation. However, from where I sit and what I'm reading??? You are already done. You aren't committed to this relationship. You've been together YEARS - not one or two but almost 4. And you haven't progressed to the next level???

You are obviously having co-parenting problems with your ex - and that needs to be fixed, in my opinion. You shouldn't have to start at the bottom when he comes home. You need to get a parenting plan in place and start working TOGETHER on rules, etc. I wouldn't expect him to mirror you or your discipline style, but you NEED to be on the same page when it comes to parental respect, etc.

Your boyfriend shouldn't be "TRYING" to love your son. It should come naturally. Does he treat him well or is there problems there?

I think your gut is telling you it's time to move on. You aren't committed and even stated you want to be the person to break it off - which tells me you can't see your life WITH him...but you CAN see it WITHOUT him...

NO one can tell you what to do. This is YOUR life...no one is going to live it for you.

Good luck!

It sounds like this to me: you love your boyfriend, but really you know he isn't right for you if he doesn't share what you feel would be enough love for your son. I wish I was wrong but I think sadly you are thinking this up as an excuse to leave him now rather than torture yourself throughout the years trying to make him love your son in your way. You can either adapt to how he does his loving, or you can leave. No one can make that choice. And you cannot make that choice based on the fact that you with him. You have decided there is some standard he is unable to reach.And he sounds like he actually doesn't want to be there either under the circumstances. You can get some counseling which might prolong the torture, you can settle and realize we all love in different ways or stop letting everyone else decide for you and break it off. You said the boy is your world and if your boyfriend was to become your husband he would probably want you to make HIM a bigger part of your world. For all of us out there our children grow up and move on (well supposedly -I know a lot are still at home). However, if that scenario takes place you will want to have a strong relationship with your spouse and that would have taken getting involved many years earlier with your man. You see most men don't want to play second fiddle no matter how much love is going around.