Boys and Girls Playing with Each Other

I didn't allow my daughter to hit first, but if she got hit, she had damn well better hit back.
Let him hit back - they will stop.

Oh...I do not subscribe to the "boys do not hit girls" theory. I think that girls who do not want to be hit don't hit. I would talk to the mother and let her know that I teach my son to defend himself against any and all violence against him, so her daughter had better watch out. Just a heads up, nothing personal. Maybe he'll yell at her. Maybe he'll hit her back. By hitting him, she opens herself up to his full arsenal. She does not get to determine what an appropriate response is to her offense.

You sit on the patio. You're watching them. You tell them that there is NO hitting allowed. You just don't allow it, mom. It's just that simple. If the girls want to play, they will stop the hitting.

The fact that you allow it just means that they will keep doing it.

it's not a boy/girl issue, it's about personalities and parenting.
i have never agreed with 'boys can hit boys but can't hit girls.' how about if everyone just works with their own kids on not hitting, period?
this a great opportunity to work with your own son on boundaries and firmness. he needs to tell the hitting girls in a big voice 'you are not allowed to hit me! use words!' and if they don't comply, to walk away.
this is NOT easy. practice and role play with him. and understand that he won't do it every time.
the hitting girls won't react in textbook fashion either.
but slowly they'll all work toward playing together better. and while there will still be 'incidents', they will, as you point out, have a lot of fun along the way.
don't resolve it, or expect 100% resolution. use it as a growth and development moment for HIM.
i do not agree that you and/or the other mom should supervise and intervene every time. this is unpleasant but very, very common. parents can and should get involved in big issues, but the tendency to micromanage every single interaction between children and never allow them to figure things out for themselves is becoming epidemic.
khairete
S.

Well that is hard as I feel like you are pretty much doing what you can do. I don't condone hitting at all so I feel like I'd be doing what you're doing also.

I'm sure you've done this, but I would discuss with your son some language he can use when someone is rude or physical with him. I teach my daughter to say things like:
Do not do that.
You can't treat me like that.
It's not okay to hit me (or call me names)
NO.
We talk about using a firm voice and standing up for yourself that way.

I also agree that if you need to talk to the mom you should.

Peer review and pressure will serve to rope in the little girl's behavior faster and more effectively that any parental involvemnt could. Good for your son to not hit back. But emphasize to your son that there is an area between "hitting back" and "allowing yourself to get beat up everyday." And that what he needs to do is stand up for himself and vocalize to the girl that he will not tolerate her hitting him anymore. He needs to get the 2 sibblings to back him up. I was once the little tyrant you describe here, and once I figured out that the neighbor kids were literally shunning me because they hated my behavior, I learned real fast. "You can't play with us if you are going to be mean" will have far more impact than anything your or her parents can say.

We all, friends and neighbors, know that hitting is zero tolerance.

"We do not hit, use your words."

"If you hit, I will take you home and speak with your mom".

"If you hit, we are going inside and not playing with you. "

And then do this. EVERY time.

Girl hits.

Me: "Hey, sweetie! We don't hit. That's the rule here. If you hit again, you're going to have to go home."

If it happens again, send the offending child away. Don't be mean or angry...be apologetic. "I'm sorry, hon, you can't stay here if you hit. That's the rule. We don't hit. So go on home. If you think you can play without hitting, you can come back after lunch. I'm sure DS will miss you, but you just can't be hitting people."

Once they realize the rules are enforced, they'll follow them. It won't take long. And you're doing a kindness for these kids who haven't been taught not to hit their friends.

Since you're out there watching them and see her do this, you tell the little
girl "Don't hit or you'll have to go home.".

Then you talk to your son afterwards that he needs to stand up to her & tell
her "don't hit me" or "stop hitting me".

This serves 2 purposes:
-you stop the intolerable behavior
and
-you teach your son how to stand up for himself

Don't you have rules in place at your house?
If they were spitting or swearing would you encourage your son to spit and swear back?
If they hit, tell them to stop. If they don't listen then send them home. It's just common sense for crying out loud.

"Stop hitting or I'm going home."

"If you don't stop hitting, we can't play any more."

You do have options. Just because they're the only children in the neighborhood, it doesn't mean that your child HAS TO play with them. Teach your son to speak up and move away. If you're in the immediate area then you need to step in and simply verbalize, "We don't hit other people. Please use your words."

If it continues beyond a couple more play dates, no matter who the children are, then you limit exposure. That sends a very message on top of the warnings. "You didn't stop hitting, so we can't play until you do."

This isn't a boy / girl issue.
This is a defend yourself issue.
By all means - stress not throwing the first punch.
But if attacked, he can warn not to do it again 3 times and if that doesn't stop it, then he can hit her and see how she likes being on the receiving end.
This will stop it faster than anything else.
Some girls will fight exactly like boys.
If they are going to do so, they have no right to hide behind their gender.

Teach your son what to do when he gets hit. My daughter was getting picked on at the playground in first grade and this is what we did (and it all stopped).

He should say in a stern voice "Stop hitting me!"

Have him practice the stern voice. You can start with stuffed animals, having one stuffed animal hit the other and then your son practices saying "stop hitting me!" Once he has it down, you can practice yourself. We practiced with a pool noodle, I would tap my daughter on the shoulder with it and she would practice saying "Stop hitting me!"

Then, you teach your son that if it happens again, to walk away. Practice the walking away. You may want to have a reward for your son ready if he has to walk away because that takes courage to walk away from playmates. Explain to him about courage, and how it takes courage to walk away from a bad situation.

It worked for us! We drilled my daughter on it and the problems disappeared. This was after conferences about it with the teacher, apparently when it happened on the playground the teachers never saw anything and had to take the word of 2 first graders, one saying they did it and one denying it. There was never any injury to my daughter, my guess is she wasn't being hit very hard, but it was very frustrating because you don't want it to escalate into anything else.

Drilling her on it gave her confidence, and it stopped.

Good luck!

I fully agree with Suz T - this is NOT a boy/girl issue at all. This is a behavior issue. Does not matter if its a girl hitting a boy or a girl hitting a girl or whatever! Hitting is just not allowed. Remind him how to use his words. Remind him that he can use his "big" voice to say no hitting! What would you advise him to do if a kid at school hit him? Same rules apply here. If they are playing at your house, send the girl home for hitting. At her house, tell her your son has to leave now b/c she is hitting. They will get the picture.

I agree with teaching him to SPEAK UP when it happens.
I also think you are well within your rights at this ages to walk over, look the girl in the eye and say "Jane, we don't hit. Hitting is not allowed. Would you like to stop hitting and stay or go home?"

Nothing steams my rice like girls thinking they can whomp on bits who know better than to strike back at a girl.

Boy parents are drilled to teach "don't hit girls" what about girl parents? Somewhere that ball got dropped.

If an 8 or 9 year old girl hit my 6 yo son I would tell him to hit her back. I suspect one hit to the girl and she won't do it again. I really think kids need to be able to stick up for themselves and not tolerate any type of bullying.
Your son should know it is not acceptable for anyone to hit him, call him names, be mean to him, etc and if they are he needs to put a stop to it immediately. Other kids know who the pushovers are.

I am a supporter of the boys shouldn't hit girls (because they should learn to treat girls properly) but in reality, they shouldn't be hitting boys either. If you don't allow hitting, you don't allow hitting regardless of gender (wow, what a wonderful world it would be if everyone respected themselves and others).

So, regardless of who is doing the hitting, the "if you can't play without hitting, you can't play and must go home" rule should be enforced.

That said, when it's a situation of being hurt (not just not playing nice but actually hitting on purpose or being mean), sometimes they do need to hit back.

There was a neighbor's children that I had to stop my son from playing with. The youngest of 3 was very aggressive and although he was within a year of my son's age, he was younger than my son. He was always hitting, throwing something at, or just plain being mean (even when his older siblings or his dad wouldl tell him to stop). Nothing worked. Finally, I didn't allow them to play anymore (there was a large field between their house and ours and it was owned by my relatives, out in the country, and they otherwise played for hours where we could see them but didn't have to be right on top of them). Then one day my son was begging to play with them. I said ok but I am telling you right now "if Eddie hits you again, hit him back because I've had enough". When my son said, " I don't want to hurt him and he also got concussions very easy" so I said "Then hit him in the stomach". Instead of waiting until something happened, my son said "My mom said I can hit you back if you hit me again". Eddie never hit my son again and my son never touched him.

My son learned in his Montessori to use the 4 finger rule. One - tell the person to stop ('I don't want to play with you if you hit'), two - move away from the person hitting, three - move towards the teacher (any adult would do) and finally - tell the teacher. Most of the time just telling the child - I won't play with you - worked.

It NEVER occurred to me to tell my son not to hit a girl. I told him not to hit. I think it is really bizarre that people who answered the other hitting back question almost uniformly teach their kids to hit whoever hits them. But in this question people want the little boy to learn to SPEAK up for himself. So if little boys can deal with little girls who hit without hitting them back - why on earth can't they deal with little boys who do the same in the same non-violent way?

I have had a similar problem, and the only resolution that worked for me was talking to the parent. If the girl is playing outside, and not being supervised by her parents, then maybe they do not know what it going on. I would bring it up to your neighbor, suggest she spend some time outside with you to help correct the problem or ask her what she would like you to do if her daughter is hitting your son while she (mom) is not out there. Good luck!

Hi, R.:

Have the parents gotten together to address the issue of
inappropriate behavior that might happen when the children
play together and what to do about it?

When you witness a child, male or female, being inappropriate with their behavior, the parent needs to step in.

You get the two children together.

Ask these questions to the offending child:

1. What happened?
2. What were you thinking of at the time?
3. What have you thought about since?
4. Who has been affected by what you have done? In what way?
5. What do you think you need to do to make things right?

The child who was hurt, ask these questions:

1. What did you think when you realized what had happened?
2. What impact has this incident had on you and others?
3. What has been the hardest thing for you?
4. What do you think needs to happen to make things right?

Of course, you can cut down this amount of information in these questions.

Facilitate them resolving the issue.
Good luck.
D.

www.iirp.edu

Next time the girl is hitting, rather then bring your son inside, walk the girl over to her house and talk with her mother.

I'd plan on spending some time with the mom's and get friendly with them. So when you're out sitting out watching them they'll think it would be fun to come sit with you. Then you'll have the opportunity to say "Hey, XXX sure is hitting a lot today, is she feeling okay today?" or "Wow, XXX seems upset! She hit xxx again, what do you think we need to do?"

If you're friends and have gotten to know each other you should know how to talk to her to not trigger that mother hen reflex.

Yes. Only the kids in the scenario were older. My son and daughter (son is 3 years older than daughter) are friends with a girl at church (same age as my son). They are a "pack" of three. :)
Anyway... just goofing around stuff, the friend would very rough (she's a bit of a tomboy) and thought all was fun and games, and that she was tough and getting one over on our son (who is never allowed to hit girls--except when sparring in martial arts class-- he is to protect girls). This girl is an only child, and her mom is a tomboy of sorts as well. Grew up with lots of older brothers (like I did also) and accustomed to being proud of holding her own with the guys.
Well, my husband had enough of it, the day the girl came up (playing) and shoved our son's face into the water fountain (and smashed his cheek bone into the metal fountain piece that sticks up over the water spray, leaving an awful bruise on his face). He had a talk with mom. It was a little awkward at first, but once she talked with my husband and me, she got it. (Even I didn't "get" it at first... until husband and I had talked about it some).

But, essentially, the girl was taking advantage of our son. She didn't see it that way, because in her mind, she is totally oblivious of the fact that he cannot hit a girl. It just doesn't even occur to her thought process. She is just playing... not seeing that she is grabbing him, pushing him, shoving him, all manner of hands on physicality that would be totally and completely unacceptable if he were to do the exact same thing to her.
Not to mention, that if he were to do any of those things to her (or any other girl who behaved this way) he could be accused not just of being mean and hurting her, but of attacking her!

Now, our kids were older than what you have going. They were about 11 or 12 at the time. But we talked with her mom and implemented a "hands off" rule. They were not allowed to put hands on each other when they were playing around. It kept things balanced and "fair". It took a few weeks for them (her) to adjust, but in the meantime, we just told our son, if she starts grabbing you or putting her hands on you, then you HAVE to walk away. Come sit with us or hang out by us. And we told her mom that this is how we were going to handle it. She agreed.

It wasn't too long before it just became a non-issue and they no longer shove or push or pull or try to pick each other up or sneak up and shove them into the water fountain or whatever. They do things side by side (skate boards/ripsticks/swimming, etc) but no grabbing. And now that they are older (15, and almost 15) this can only be a good thing, in my book.

Again, your kids are much younger, but I don't see why you can't just go over and chat with the girl(s)'s mother(s) and say "hey, ya know, we are teaching him not to hit girls and it makes it unfair when the girls are hitting him without repercussion. " See what they say. Tell them that when the girls hit, that you have told your son he has to come home (or the girls have to go home-whichever the case may be).

Good luck.

----

Oh, and I agree that nobody should be hitting anybody and it isn't ok for boys to hit boys, either (except in self defense--see the other post about hitting). But the reality is that if a boy hits a girl, it is treated much differently than if a girl hits a boy. Just like female child molesters (teachers who seduce their teen boy students) are viewed/treated differently than their male counterparts. There is the world that we would like to live in, and then there's the real world.

I agree with Tori - let you son let those girls know that he doesn't want to be treated that way and to let them know it by using words.

And don't feel that you can't go right up to them and let them know yourself. Say to them, please don't hit. It's not appropriate. If you have a problem, please let my son know or come and get me and we can solve it together. If it continues, chat casually with the mom and tell her that your sons adores her kid, blah, blah, blah, but...

Good luck!

You could instruct him to tell the girls' mother when they start hitting. That's what the kids in my neighborhood would do - if mine was hitting, they'd come tell me.

My grandsons have been taught to NEVER hit a girl; if a girl hits them, their ONLY recourse is to walk away. Both myself and my daughter have been victims of domestic violence - we won't tolerate our children being the victim or perpetrator of that!