Brothers Who Love to Fight

Hi C.! Look up my request & the responses that I got as I am dealing with the same issue and they are helping me get through.Good Luck! A.

My two girls are the same way, they are ten and thirteen now. My best suggestion is to seperate them and explain to them in a way they will understand that if there is a problem to come to you to help solve disputes before they become 'wars'. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't, though it helps if you are within earshot of them while they play so that you can remind them of this if you hear the situation starting to escalate. Hope this helps!

Hi C.,
Could it be they need to learn new coping skills?
Becky

I recommend an old book entitled "Children, the Challenge" by Rudolph Drykers. . . .(author's name may not be spelled correctly. . .) . . .might still be found in the library.

At the onset of one of their tussels, try walking out of the room, and see if they stop. (?) After reading the book, I did that, and discovered that my children were using their little fights to involve me. It will take too long to explain it all, but if you find that they get along better when you aren't in the room, it may be their way of getting Mommy to be involved in reinforcing one or the other as "the winner. . ." so, sometimes, simply removing yourself dampens the fire.

At peaceful times, encourage the 5 year old to do nice things for the 3 year old and encourage the younger to do nice things for the older one. Service fosters love on the part of the giver, and involves their active little minds in good deeds.

I have two older relatives who grew up together, sisters, also very close to the same age. They laugh now as they remember how whenever they started to fight, their mother would put them to work mopping the floor or something. Yes, WORK, doesn't hurt anybody, and actually turns a negative into a positive with a few chores getting done. These two tell about how by the time they had gotten half way across the floor, they were laughing together.

We used to have our children sit on our steps until they had talked things out and all agreed that they weren't mad anymore.

Dear C.,

You need to separate them as soon as any argument starts and keep them that way for as long as they complain. When they stop complaining, then let them out of the restriction (different rooms) and give them something to do that is different from what the argument was about.

Just be consistent. It may take a while, but it will be worth it. Kids are smart, they will get the drift.

Also, buy 'Real Boys', it is a wonderful thoughtful book about boys. Written by a man who is a psychologist and has studied the subject for a long time. You will be surprised at what he reveals about men that we do not know. I got my copy on EBAY for $5.00

C. N.

You answered your own question C.. Your a Happy Mother of two energetic boys!Sibling rivary is merely a stage,My brothers and sisters fought like cats and dogs! Let an outsider hurt them,though,and they'd have H--- to pay! You will drive yourself crazy,playing referee,every time theres a disagreement,or a spat over whos playing with what,or who started it! The boys need to be allowed to iron out some of their differences themselves.This is part of their developement.Believe it or not, They learn how to reason,and give and take,when they are allowed to come to terms themselves.Imagine,if you will,you and your husband,debating an issue,and someone constantly stepping in to put a stop to it.You would never be able to resolve anything! Try tuning out some of these spats the boys have.Allow them to come to a resolve theirselves sometimes.I'm not suggesting that you let them beat each other to a pulp,but sometimes, turn on some music,or pretend your to busy to be bothered with their petiness.Better yet,the next time either of them runs to you,to complain...tell them to work it out between them,or they will be separated.I might mention to ...Alot of times,the spats start out of bordom,or just to see if moms paying attention. sometimes they just need to be redirected. I use to find something else for my boys to do. Sit them down and let them draw something creative,and offer a treat for their work. Or let them go outside for a while and plant something. Get their hands nice and dirty! Stay cool and best of luck to you C..

Sounds just like my boys as kids, they were 33 months apart. Thank heavens for school. It kept them apart for at least six hours a day. I just always kept them in sight when they were little and parted them when things got rough and time out in different corners. I was lucky to belong to a babysitting co-op and got them together with other children before school started. My older boy had learning problems and started a special day preschool at 3 and 1/2, so that helped. On weekends and after school, I tried to get them involved in chores around the house, even if it was just picking up toys, carrying laundry, etc. If they have separate rooms that would help too. Praise for co-operation can help too. Aggression must not be allowed. We had a couple of incidents where one kid went to the emergency room, more from pushy-shovy stuff that resulted in stitches and tooth damage from falling. It does get better. They are both now in their twenties and get along fine. The best thing we ever did was get them separate rooms as teenagers. It cost us $6000 but it was well worth it. They had shared on large masterbedroom suite but wound up with two 10 by 10 rooms and they couldn't have been happier. Go figure. We also tried outside activities like karate, music. Sometimes I would tell them to run around the block (1/4 mile) as fast as they could until they were too tired to fight. Creativity. Just always make sure they have something to do. NO VIOLENT VIDEO GAMES! We had educational music videos that they loved to sing to. Art projects to show daddy when he comes home. Practice the alphabet. Just go to the park. I found that if they could get a lot of physical activity that really curbed the aggression. Good luck!

Hi C.,
No tolerance, that is the name of the game. Whenever they fight it doesn't matter who is at fault, they both get a chore to do. Explain to them, that they are not, I repeat NOT to touch eachother ever! When they start fighting you either give them both a chore, take away something, and have them apologize to eachother. It worked in my house. The key is they both get in trouble not just one. They will catch on not to fight and even if they do they will not let you know it and will figure it out by themselves, which is a life lesson. :)
E.

give them activities to do together.. projects to figure out.. boar games, etc.. my sister & I used to fight really bad till we got older.. we are best friends now.

I have the same situation going on at my house with my Callisa, who's about to turn 5 in March, and my Isaac, who has just turned 6 on the 12th. Everyday I find myself wanting to stay home just cause its so embarrassing to go out in public with the fighting and screaming that goes on between the two of them. I just dont know what to do.

go to the playground & let them let out there energy. in the afternoon start having cooking lessons w/each one seperate days. monday is 1 child, tuesday is child #2..something as simple as muffin mixes while they add a egg & water & stir. make meatballs w/ eggs & bread crumbs & spices & they mush it@. then you( and the hubby) rave about the muffins & meatballs or whatever else is made. refocus there behavior about something else to make them feel good about themselves. bread,,,flour,,water,,yeast! simple mixes they can get there hands into( of course wash tehm from the playground)i have had kids help me have them make mash potatoes,,egg salad just squishing the food adding alittle spices & then raving about the end result. you will see! J.

Hi C..
Seems like you are getting a lot of responses - I tried to read through a few, but I didn't make it to all. I don't seem to be with the majority on this either - so I am sure to get some replies of disagreeable moms. But here is my experience (for what its worth!)
I have four boys (ages 4,3,2 and 11 months.) It is my experience that boys are aggresive. They like to wrestle. While we allow them to wrestle (for fun) we do not allow them to fight. This is hard to explain, but I am going to try. We allow them to tackle and roll around, but no hitting or kicking. Fighting is not allowed in our house - but even dad likes to come home and play tackle. I think that is how boys are wired up. Bringing up boys is a good book to explain the behavior. Hitting and kicking get consequences. When two boys have fought - we have them hug and say sorry. Then we have them hold hands. They both usually end up laughing and being silly with each other. I do like the chore idea too. That is a good idea.
Know that you aren't alone.
Hope that helps.
P.

If it makes you feel any better, you are not alone. I have a 6yr old boy and a 3 yr old girl and one is always antagonizing the other during play and a fight always breaks out. My husband says I need to get use to it since he and his two brothers were worse when they were kids. I'm not a professional, but it seems as though this is how they learn to stand up for themselves, fight for what they believe in, etc. when they get older. Who better to practice on than someone who will always forgive you and love you.

My advice for the late afternoon when your nerves are completely shot, grab a cup of tea and find a quiet room and let them hash it out on their own for a while.

Boys fight. They are boys :) I have two of them 5 and almost 4 and your description fits my family situation very well. To keep peace at home I am trying to give my boys chores and award them for team work. I also started doing a lot of down time with them when we puzzle together, coloring or playing some games. This cut the wild play for a little bit and I noticed that they became kinder to each other. Hope it helps. O.

Hi C.!

I copied a response I wrote from a similar issue another member wrote about last week. This is a very common issue. I changed some of the things from my original response, but it definitely outlines my approach to handling my children's behavior who are 3 (girl) and 6 (boy).

*****

I use a behavior chart. On the behavior chart I have things like "kind heart", "gentle hands", "good behavior", and "listening ears". Those four behaviors capture everything from namecalling to hitting to following directions. On my older child's chart I also have chores listed. At the end of each day, we review their behavior and they earn stars. Based on how many stars they receive daily and weekly, they earn TV/gaming time, rewards from my "treasure box", extra activities , and super activites for perfect weeks. It sounds complex, but it's actually very simple and my kids are motivated to work toward what they really want.

In the beginning, very few stars were earned. As soon as a behavior is inappropriate, I communicate that I'm taking the star away. I started this when my son was 3 years old (the hardest age by far) and he is now 6. When I started the "star chart" with him we did it twice a day for about a month. This allowed him to change his behavior mid-day without the whole day being lost from a temper-tantrum at breakfast. Regardless, you can tailor it in whatever fashion works for you.

I also use the time-out technique. In fact, when a child goes in time-out it's at that time the star is usually taken away. I have a specific location my children go and I'm firm about 1 minute time-out for each year of age. It works for me. I have also found that if I keep calm and cool that I have more power over my child, but when I lose control that's when my child has more power over me and things get worse. There have been times when I have told my son, "I am so angry right now that I want to hit you, but hitting is not okay so I must walk away to cool down." This helps him understand anger is okay, but how you respond to it is most important. This same philosophy works on my 6-year-old's behavior toward my 3-year-old. When my 3-year-old does something to annoy my 6-year-old I tell my older child that if he responds to my younger child by hitting or something else that he has lost the power. He hates his sibling have power over him and has learned that he maintains the power if he walks away or ignores the behavior.

One final technique I use is a one-minute warning. I acquired this technique from a child advice column in the newspaper. If I want my children to do something, let's say brush their teeth, I give them a one minute warning. It allows them a little time to wrap up what they're doing before doing what I ask. I just require that they start the task I asked of them within one minute of my asking, otherwise they go in time out.

I think the fact that your younger child is 3-years-old is a huge factor in this. 3 is the hardest age and your 5-year-old probably doesn't know how to handle it. Heck, we parents don't know how to handle it. Just look at the number of messages about handling 3-year-olds on this website. But, the foundation you set now will affect what happens when your children are teenagers. Hang in there.

By the way, I'm willing to email you a copy of my star charts if you're interested. Just send me your email address to me and I'll get them to you. Good luck!

C.. I have 5 boys. I just use the time out discipline and as they got older and were mean to each other then they had to do something nice for the other one. But if one starts being mean or both at the same time they have to sit on our time out step for 3-5 mintues depending on their age. It really seems like a simple thing, but it does help. Then after time out is over they have to give each other a hug and say they are sorry.

Ah, yes! It seems to be the nature of boys. I have two boys (4 & 2) who also love each other, protect each other, and FIGHT with each other. I've found that the best way to get them on the same page is have them in an "organized" activity together. When I start the activity with them, they will play longer before fighting. If I leave them to find something to do on their own, they fight before they even get to the toy room. Our house is a pretty peaceful house, so it's not from them overhearing marital arguments or from us yelling at them either. I've come to terms with dealing with one argument they have at a time. At this age they don't know how to solve problems yet ... they are begging for guidance on how to settle begin mistreated by one another. I'm not a fan of letting them fight it out at this age, because of their lack of understanding how to respectfully solve disagreements. We can't always be right there with our kids, even if we wanted to be (we do have to use the bathroom every once in a while)... but we can help them as things occur. God bless you as you lovingly mother these two sweet boys. ~J. C.