Both my brothers are divorced, so they get their children every other weekend. When I had my oldest daughter's birthday party, I accidently planned it on a weekend when neither had their kids. My youngest brother still came, but my older brother went to the bar and got hammered instead. His wife flat out told me that she hates kids birthday parties and refuses to go unless they have my brother's kids. I thought that was pretty crappy of them. We go to ALL their kids birthday parties. In fact, there was one time when I was unable to go and my husband took my kids over.
So, now it's time to plan my youngest daughter's 2nd birthday. Since her birthday is in July, there is something going on every single weekend. If I want my brother and SIL to come, I have to have the party almost a month before her birthday. I know that she won't care, she's only 2, but I would like to have it as close to her birthday as possible. My husband says I should just plan in for the weekend after her birthday (when neither of my brothers have their kids) and forget it. Part of me says he's right. I shouldn't tailor my schedule around theirs, but part of me wants all the kids to be there. We usually set up the wading pool, the slip n slide, and a few other outdoor games.
It hurts me beyond words that my brother would rather go to the bar and get hammered then come over and have a hamburger with us. I don't care if they stay for the whole thing, but it's only 2 hours! It's not like we have an all day party.
So, what would you do? Plan the party for a month before the birthday, hoping that everyone will show up, or say screw it and have it on the weekend that works best for us?
ADDED: We do see my family a lot, especially in the summer. It's not like the only time we get together is at birthday parties. I guess I just don't want my kids feeling like they're getting the short end of the stick because their aunt and uncle aren't there. I'm probably way over thinking things, aren't I?
Krista--I don't think it's about them not being able to do things when they want. Honestly, I think his wife is just a jerk! LOL! She's the type that if she doesn't like doing something, she doesn't do it. She has little to no respect for other people's feelings.
Plan things the way you want to. Family, friends or whomever you invite will come or not come if they don't want to. It doesn't matter when, where and how you plan it. Other plans or excuses will always happen. Not only that people stress themselves too much over kid parties. Why is it that kids need big parties every year?????? Too much stress on parents IMO.
Tell your brother you'll have a 12 pack there just for him.
I think for most adults, going to a child's birthday party is not one of their favorite activities. So for someone who doesn't have kids (or doesn't have their kids that day), it's not surprising to me that they wouldn't want to go. I realize it's different with family, but still, not necessarily a fun way for them to spend the day.
Playing devil's advocate here... is it possible that your brother was feeling very depressed? That he was really sad NOT to have his kids and that he would have felt sad being at the party without them? Maybe he went to the bar to drown his sorrows.
In any case, I don't think you should feel personally offended that they didn't come, and I don't think you should plan around this time. Invite them even without the kids and tell them how much you'd like them to be there, but don't be mad/sad/upset if they don't come. Just plan another get together with them soon on a weekend when they do have the kids. You can even plan another bday celebration just for family - not a whole party, but maybe a bbq or a dinner out - on a day when your brothers have their kids.
I would plan it around what works best for you. If your brothers and their children can't/don't make it then that's on them. You can't control that. The day is about having fun with your daughter. I'm sure you can make it fun with or without them.
You have to look at the history of their behavior. If they didn't come because they didn't have their kids etc. you can be sure they will do that again. Also, don't plan the party around them---who knows, maybe they just won't show up for any reason. You just never know. Plan the party when its right for you-the people who are supposed to come will and those who don't will miss out! GL!
M
i'd cater to them only because I'd want to see my nieces and nephews...its not their fault their parents are butts.....they may have been hurt you planned it on a weekend their kids coul't come before...J. talk to them and tell them your feelings...i know my brother won't go to family parties without his kids because it makes him miss them on his off days...although he would come to my daughters, J. not more distant relatives...
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Have the party on the date that YOU want to have the party. I wouldn't even try to figure out your brother's visitation schedule. How old are your brothers' children? If they are old enough to read, I'd send an invitation addressed directly to them at their home. Make the invitation fun, detail out the slip-n-slide, theme, etc, state that the birthday girl would really love her cousins to come to her party. Hopefully your ex SIL will decide to do the right thing and bring them, even if that it falls on her weekend and even if she herself, doesn't like kids' parties. If the kids are old enough to be dropped, you can state on the invitation that Mom is welcome to stay or drop off/whichever is preferred. It won't hurt if the the kids themselves get a hold of the invitation and get excited about attending. Send another copy of the invitation to your brother and the kids at his place. Then let it go. If they come, great! If they don't, their loss. Make sure to invite a bunch of friends and neighbors too. Keep in mind that summers are just busy for everyone, divorces or not, not everyone is going to be able to attend. That's just life.
I agree with your husband. Plan it on her birthday not when your brothers can make attend.
Sorry...no major advice just wanted to say Grandma T is a hoot! Thanks for the chuckle!! :-)
I agree with your own assessment -- you're way overthinking things. Even as your kids get older, their birthday parties will be more about which of their friends come than whether their aunts, uncles or cousins come. Please don't make every family event a "who did come, who didn't" thing where you're keeping count and getting disappointed. Plan it for your family's best timing, invite everyone, and enjoy the day no matter who's there.
I think you're also missing the huge, unspoken problem in all this. Your brother goes out and gets hammered (and does he drive himself home?). No matter what the reason, that's dangerous behavior. Alcoholics don't have to drink all the time; they can still be alcoholics if they binge drink on occasion. Think hard about his behaviors and consider if there is a MUCH bigger issue here than kids' parties and hurt feelings.
This is actually not about you or your kids... it's about the fact that your brother doesn't want to be reminded of the fact that you can have your kids' events whenever you want b/c you have your kids every day. It sounds like his ex-wife is pretty rigid about the custody agreement or she would be willing to "swap" weekends or drop the kids off for the party, which would be the grown-up thing to do on her part and his.
Bottom line, what's your priority here? If you really want your older brother to be there, then schedule the party when you know he will come. If you really don't care either way and want the party on your child's birthday then schedule it then.
For what it's worth, we had my son's birthday nearly a month after his "real birthday" last year (turned 2) so that all of his aunts and uncles could celebrate with him. For us, it was about having everyone there with him not about the "date". We'll probably do the same this year for the same reason.
Hi,
I agree with your husband. Don't stress yourself out over it. Just do what works best for you. A two year old will have still have fun playing duck duck goose and other party games with her mommy and daddy! If you want a few kids at the party, though, can you invite 2 or 3 neighbor kids to come over?
It really seems like there are bigger issues in the family picture and I wouldn't let that get in the way of you celebrating with your family who does care. Focus on what you Do have and let the rest go.
Enjoy!
-J.
I agree that you should in no way, shape or form, tailor your schedule around theirs. Wanting the family together will not make them want the same thing. Situations like this can be painful, but you can not let your own feelings about this control the day that's meant to celebrate the birth of your precious daughter. She needs her whole mom, and not just what's left after the stress and conflict this issue takes from you. Even if your brothers don't see the importance of being present, you have the ability to make it a great day for yourself and your family who do. Truely, this is their loss, and you shouldn't lose any part of your happiness the day will bring.
Just have the birthday party when it is good for you. You are right, your daughter is only 2, so at this point the party is more for your memories, she will not remember this one.
Then ask your brothers about setting up a time for all of you get together just to have the kids play and you parents do a cookout.. when it is more convenient. Not so much of an event as just a getting together for a meal and some play/visiting time.
Being a child of divorce, it is stressful enough just dealing with my parents issues, if I had even begun to think about all of the Aunts, Uncles, grandparents etc.. being disappointed about not "getting to see us".. I would have been a puddle.
I know my parents were always stressed about visits with the other parent, so we were always just trying to make it calmly through our time together. Visiting other relatives when we hardly had very much time with our own dad was really tough on us.
I loved all of the relatives do not get me wrong, but I am just letting you from an insiders view of how hard it already is, just with our nuclear family dynamics. Try to not add any more pressure to them.
Have fun at the party..
Is there any way to talk to your brothers? In reality it may not do any good, but I think if they knew how much this meant to you, maybe they might step up to the plate...
I would not plan the birthday party around them. they should want to come even if they don't have their kids. What if he were single? Would he not come then? I would just do it when you want to and if they don't come, it's their loss. If you don't want to say nothing, at least tell your brother that it hurts your feelings.
Well, I guess you know what their priority is, don't you? Listen to your hubby, he is a smart guy! Live your life to make you, hubby and your kids happy...that's what matters. If your brothers want to be there, they will make it a priority (including swaping weekends with the ex). So plan the party and enjoy whoever shows up and forget about whoever doesn't! (and if their next party is not a convenient time for you then you know not to go!)
