Building Confidence in Child

How old is she?

So called confidence, is an internal thing.

What may help is, teaching her to know herself, to accept herself, to realize that each person is different, and being able to be herself.
But not according to what others want her to be. SHE must, know... herself. Who she is.

Or maybe does she just have anxiety issues? Of which perhaps a Therapist can help?

Perhaps instead of considering a dedicated week at camp or in a "program," you could create a daily program at home. Confidence comes from accomplishment. Accomplishment can be doing very small things that were previously scary or challenging.

For example, I was intensely shy as a teenager (and still am). Talking to people scared me to death (still does) but I forced myself to face my fears. First I practiced looking people in the eye when we communicated...well, they would talk and I would look at their eyes and not their shoes. I started with the kind ladies at my local library, worked my way up to the bagging clerk at the grocery store, to the cashier, to my teachers, anyone. Once I could do that, I moved forward to smiling a hello at them. Next, I would say one nice thing to each person. Then I had to say it loud enough to be heard. After YEARS of slow, steady work, I campaigned to do a homestay abroad program. Yep, quiet shy S. spent 4 weeks in Glasgow, Scotland, UK, living with a new family and learning how to get around. After that, while I was still naturally shy, I knew I could get along in the world. People still scare the bejeebies out of me, but as a high school teacher of 20 years, people are my life. I've learned to face my fear of people and win. And, yes. I'm a very confident person.

And this is what I did ALL BY MYSELF AS A TEENAGER! Imagine what your daughter could accomplish with your love, support and guidance. Start small. When you go out, she must look up and greet at least one person, not you or a family member. It could the cashier, the person who assists you at a store, the waitperson at a restaurant, you name it. She doesn't have to say much. A simple, hello, goodbye or thank you will suffice. Once she sees that a) she can do it, b) people will like the interaction, then, hopefully c) she'll start to gain confidence. Make sure you go out at least once a day so she can practice.

Another idea is to enroll her in a class that is a group class but still very individual. For example, a tumbling or gymnastics class. My eldest son took a tumbling class that had 7-10 kids in it. But, everything they did was generally solitary, like walking the balance beam, doing a set of tumbles, etc. This way, she'll BE with people, but won't necessarily have to interact with them outside of a greeting, a good bye or a friendly cheering someone on. Me...I took dance classes. I was a terrible dancer and I didn't much like talking with the other girls, but I learned how to project a persona on stage.

Last but not least, enlist the aid of her teacher. Many shy kids blossom if they have a classroom responsiblity that they must fulfill every day. Perhaps she could take attendance to the office, water the classroom plants, hand out the color crayons, anything. For example, if your daughter was in my class and you asked me to help her with her shyness, I would have her collect all the work to be handed in, row by row. Then, I'd have her say thank you to the head of each row. Then, she'd have to look at the person in lead seat and say thank you, and so on. The list of things she could do to help me is fairly long.

Whatever you do, I would caution you to not make shyness a bad characteristic to have. I may be shy, but when I make a friend, it's generally a long term deal. I may not have a lot of friends because I'm shy, but the one's I have, I KNOW I can count on them, no matter what. I would say that's a positive. My husband and eldest son are VERY outgoing, everyone is their best friend, and they tend to get snookered a lot by the less than honorable people of the world. It's a tough lesson.

There's tons more I could say on this point, but this is too long already. Anxiety runs in my family. My mom has let it rule her life for 50 years. My sister was in therapy for years to get past it. I was the only one to strike out on my own and be so successful at it, no one ever knew how shy and scared I really was. If you'd like more ideas or to discuss further, feel free to private message me.

Good luck.

My daughter had issues early on and we went through a lot before we figured the right formula that worked. Big thing was putting her in afterschool activites not connected to her school so she had a chance to meet other kids outside of class and I could observe and see what was going on. We tried a few different schools, the one adage that a bigger school would be better for her because more kids but in reality its worse thing we could have done because teachers do not have the time needed and to catch when issues start. Shy kids can become a target for a bully to make themselves feel better. We found a smaller montissori school which worked a lot better. Also having good communication with you kid so she can tell you what is going on. We did karate, gymnastics. Even an acting class. That actually worked out well because it helped learn to get out of her shell a bit. So in the end I say find a smaller school with either acting or karate. And not just a place you can dump her but a place you can watch and see what happens and find a teacher maybe a karate teacher who can show her the best way to respond. Good luck I feel for you.

I think as a child learns knew things and learns how to do things on their own - that helps. Some kids are just shy by nature, and you don't really want to change 'who she is'...but I can certainly see your concern. I have 1 shy child and a VERY shy husband - with both of my shy people, when they are able to do something on their own that is naturally difficult...they seem to find it very empowering (for hubby - all it takes is making a phone call that he's nervous about...lol). Interestingly enough, my husband actually has more confidence than I do...his Dad taught him or arranged for him to learn how to do EVERYTHING (at least, it seems like that to me :p). He's dyslexic, I've always been an A student, even in college...yet, he is always willing to try new things...and does not worry about failure as much as I do. Even with how hard it is for him to read, when he doesn't know how to do something, he googles it, youtubes it, gets a book at the library - and does it....where I'm much more inclined to let somebody else do it, in case I mess up. I asked him once, "What if it doesn't work?" He looked at me like I was crazy and shrugged and said, "So?" My point being...I would try to empower her...and don't connect it with friends...sometimes people that seem popular and confident and have a large circle of friends...are really NOT. Find out where here interests are and sign her up for classes or programs or camps that go along with that...don't try to force into something that may overwhelm her and make it harder. With my daughter, fostering independence has actually helped her confidence a lot because she's comfortable being alone and when someone is comfortable with themselves...I think other people are attracted to that. Anyway...just rambling while I was waiting for dinner to finish...gotta run...good luck!

Because you didn't list your daughter's age or the situations, it's very difficult to advise you. While you cannot 'instill' confidence in your daughter; it is possible to present opportunities, re-frame situations, and offer feedback which may help her to be more open to trying new things and meeting new people.

That said, I'll suggest three things: one, seek help in this regard. If she's in school, schedule an appointment with the school counselor for YOU (not for her) to talk with the counselor about her. Perhaps the counselor will have some age-appropriate suggestions.

Second: I would refrain from talking of your concerns about your daughter to her or in front of you. It would be very painful for a child to hear their parents worries and anxieties, because kids take this upon themselves as them letting their parents down. This will only undermine any confidence she does build.

Third: two book suggestions: "How to talk so Kids will Listen...And how to Listen so Kids will Talk" by Faber and Mazlish. This can open up some great conversations if we can help our kids to know that we are listening with an open mind. My other suggestion, if you are up for it, is "A Good Enough Parent" by Bruno Bettelheim; this book discusses the child's developing selfhood and how to support it in loving and healthy ways.

You sound very genuinely concerned about your little girl, as most mothers would be. If you feel like the school counselor option isn't helpful, do try some family counseling, even to get some support for yourself. It is very frustrating for parents to see their children struggling and so hard to watch. Try to give her as much unconditional love, positive strokes, and encouragement as you can and let us know how things go.

Ask her teacher to help her do things in class that will help get her out of the shell. Don't overdo it or force her. She may just not want anyone around her. Did she complain about it, or are you just feeling pressured?

Depending on how old she is, have her do different volunteer work or learn a musical instrument.

I assume you are talking about your six year old, unless you have another?
Six is still pretty young, and honestly, some people are just shy, that's how they're wired.
If YOU are having a hard time with it, I suggest you try to relax and accept this is who she is.
If SHE is having a hard time with it, then encourage her to try new things, sports, scouts, art/music, volunteering, whatever she finds pleasure in and feels successful at. Let her have friends over after school, so she has a chance to practice socializing.
But maybe she just prefers being alone? There's nothing wrong with that!

enroll her in something she can be proud of? My daughter is very shy, not with everything, she can make friends but is overly sensitive and not confident, but shes only 5. My cousins daughter was this way and she enrolled her in theater class. She said it helped her TONS and that although shy she loved it, she 15 now and is in tons of plays, and still super shy. She said the teacher said most actors are very shy. my daughter had her first K play last week and I expected her to be hiding and shy and she was front and center huge smile, so I'm thinking of looking for a local small theater class to build up confidence of talking in front of people...