Bullies

Martial arts classes! It is great for self esteem and confidence AND if the person/child needs to defend themselves, they have the "tools" to do so.

Don't have much advice, but I just wanted to say that in my experience middle school was soooo much worst than high school. In high school there are more kids, more clubs, things to do that most kids find a good group of friends and things level out.

This is the best advice that worked for me. It has helped my my son (a year older than yours) immensely.
1. Get him in to a great martial arts program. Really helps them grow into their body and gain physical confidence.
2. Right away have him join a school organization. Band is a great one! Some of these organizations meet before the year begins. This would give him a ready set of friends on the first day of class.
3. Get some info (books, classes, etc>) on assertiveness. He needs to recognize what his body language is saying to others.
4. If he brings his lunch, he can meet with his friends away from the cafeteria (a big bullying area).
5. If possible, volunteer at the school. This will give you the inside track.
Good luck.

Hi M.,

Is your son involved in any kind of extracurricular activity/ies with peers that can give him some self confidence/empowerment and social skills? If you are doing this for him, then have you considered that you may be overprotecting him and taking his power away? At age 14, it's time he learns to stand up for himself and be adept with the social skills that go with this. If he has a sufficient amount of self confidence, then he will not give off "victim vibes" that can cause others to pick on him. It may be time to challenge him to be all that he can be; to address his fears head on; and explore his strengths/physical abilities/creative side. Consider finding a professional counselor, such as a psychologist who specialized in teen issues, to help him work through his dependency issues. As his parent(s), if I were you I would find my own counselor so I could learn to let my son be more assertive--and this may mean that your son needs to learn to stand up to you and his father as well--normal teen behavior, and necessary for him to develop his own identity, separate from his parents. Our goal as parents is for our children to become healthy (physically/emotionally/spiritually), loving, self-actualized persons who are willing and able to stand up for themselves, others, and for what they believe. Good luck! jenifer

I had dealt w/the same situation from day one of Kindergarten! Teachers & principals acted sympathetic but after the parent leaves, things just went back to normal. I became a complete basket case as a child/adolescent. I begged my mom to homeschool me but she lied to me & said that a parent must be a teacher to homeschool their kids. Well as you may know, that was a lie & I believed her. She just didn't want to help me. So I endured non-stop bullying til I graduated H.S. & went to college. Wouldn't ya know it, some kids from school ended up at my college. Couldn't get away from it. My advice would be don't put him back in public school or find another public school or if you can afford it, private school. The bullying probably won't stop as long as the same kids are at the school. I can just about guarantee it. If your child is being bullied now, he will still more than likely get bullied in high school when he returns. Just because it's high school doesn't mean a thing. What you may can do is before you enroll him, talk to the school officials & if needed, the school board. Tell them bullying is not acceptable, if they refuse to do something, you will take them to court over it. It may not get that far but you can always use that statement to try & get some results. He's only got 3 years left, would it really be that difficult to just homeschool him the remaining 3 yrs? Good luck.

I feel for you and your son. Bullying can really hurt kids at any age. I would try to get him involved a self defense class and build up his strength and confidence. It is a process. Also, are there any activities your son would like to begin to increase his involvement with other kids...maybe church would be a good start. My church offers events for middle schoolers and high schoolers during the week, not just Sundays. He may not be used to making friends and this may teach him how to make friends. Making friends does not always come natural to all kids. Having friends will give him a feeling of acceptance that he may be able to take with him to high school. By the way, schools should be more involved in bullying these days. My kids' schools have educated the teachers in seminars directed at dealing with bullies specifically. Hang in there.

i like the book "Easing the Teasing." it teaches coping strategies.

Try enrolling your son in karate classes. Not because of the bullies but because it builds self esteem as well as teaching your son how to protect himself. My best friend gave lessons to her college bound daughter for Christmas and the girl was NOT thrilled but started her classes and found that she LOVED it and is working her way up each week or so to a new belt. It is also great exercise and a way to get toned for high school sports!!

Hi M.,
I recently attended a Smart Discipline workshop and they have book out on that very subject, i purchased it and it looks very encouraging. You can find it at smartdisipline.com and the cost is $8.00. I feel it was very worth it!
Good luck!
K.

I feel for ya.
My nephew was bullied some because he was small for his age. They did different things to avoid it. Like one year he just carried all his things with him and did not use his locker. The bully waited at the locker and broke the locks,etc.

Another year they rode the bus. The bus kids here get to leave class early to catch the bus so they are not in the hallway when the other kids are, unless the bully also rides the bus.

My own boys, I kept them in private school until they were older (for other reasons, but it also prevented any bullying) . Then in highschool I told them bullies look for victims. Do not make eye contact as you walk by them, avoid known areas where they hang out, stay close to teachers- bullies do not want an adult to see them. Get your own peer group- hopefully not a bump of bullied kids already-- and stick with them. Bullies look for single people that are easy targets. They don't often go for entire groups unless they know the group is too afraid to combine forces and stand up to them.

And I also live in a small community so at the first hint of trouble I was always 'gossiping' to a 'friend' about this kid's actions. It got around to the bully's parents and of course they made the bully stop. ;-) That sounds so devious and round about, but it worked and everyone stayed good friends in the long run.

I would also encourage you to become the active in the school in a positive way. If they feel you are their friend and want to help them anyway you can, they will feel more inclined to look out for your kid. People tend to want to help their friends.

Good luck

You should take your son to a kick boxing/self defense/karate class starting now and go thru the summer. Sometimes if your child fights back with just one person, it'll make the others leave him alone. This is from experience. My mom had 7 kids and we started a new school when my youngest brother was in the 8th grade. Well, he was instantly popular with ALL the girls (all my brothers are gorgeous but on the shorter side) Well, one day about a week after we started the new school, NCHS, my brother was being bullied/picked on by about 5 guys. He picked out the BIGGEST one and kicked his butt. No one messed with him again. In fact, guys were afraid to like me and my sister b/c they were afraid of my brothers! Bullies pick on kids who don't fight back and sometimes fighting back, even if your son kicks his butt kicked, is the only thing to do. Good luck!

Have you tried Karate?
I grew up in a karate school, and I can tell you, many of the kids that came to our school were there for building their self-confidence for just such a situation.
I would highly reccomend it.-Angela Peace

I don't have any suggestions or experience with bullying, but I know in our school district if there is a problem with bullying, that you can request a different class for your child or even switch schools. If your problem is not resolved to your satisfaction next year, perhaps this could be an option. Also, if you are not satisfied with the response from your Assistant Superintendent, certainly approach the Superintendent and then the school board if necessary. You are your child's advocate and are doing the right thing. Bullying is very dangerous. Good Luck!

Hi M.,

I am a mom of a soon to be 17 year old that had to deal with bullies when he started Junior High. At first he didn't tell my about it intil one day I got a call to go up to his school. One of his teachers was concerned because my son wasn't his normal happy self. She asked him what was wrong and he told her he couldn't talk about it. When she asked to spesak to him in the hall she asked all the right question of him to get him to talk. It turned out a group of boys where picking on him because his hair is red and his is tall and skinny. The were calling him carrot top and girly girl. The said she would have a talk with the boys. But I did something they didn't expect I told her to call the parents and ask them to come to the school for a parent conference. She asked why I said because I think these boys and my son need to spend a day together getting to know one another and I want to aske the parents if they don't mind if all of them come over for movies, games, and dinner. When the parents and I met with the counsoler she told them of my unusual request for what had happened at first the parents were shocked, but after I explained that the reason they bully and tease my son is because they don't know him and need to get to know him. That I know children can be cruel when they do not know someone, but sometimes punishing them will make the situation worse the the child being bullied. That sometimes taking a different route to what they are doing would be a shock to them. Well the boys and my son spent a saturday together. At first it was tense but once they started talking and watching movies and playing video games they found out they had alot in commmon, and to this day they are best friends and try to help other from being bullied by others. I can not say this will work for you but it is what I did to stop my son from being bullied. As for the school they are supose to be there for the children I would talk with the school to find out what plan of action they have for bullies in the school. I hope this helps.

What I have found is that a letter from an attorney really gets a school district's attention, no matter what the issue (mine was special education). Of course this will cost you and it would depend on how serious the situation was. I have also camped out in the office before (regarding a bully issue) until they took me seriously or at the superintendent's office. They cannot ignore you if you are constantly present and in their face.

Good luck,
J.
www.livetotalwellness.com/janislanz

I highly recommend a martial art called Aikido. It's the one that Steven Segal specializes in. It stands for "the way of harmony." It basically teaches people to take the negative energy off of others (physical or emotional) and use it for control. It's about holds and pins as opposed to punching and kicking and etc. It teaches them how to take on multiple attackers as well. It's great for self-defense and confidence.

My husband studied it before we met and I'm looking forward to getting my son in it as soon as we can. He's two now and I think they start them at five or six.

Bullying can be very detrimental. I'm sorry anyone has to go through it. The bottom line is, he is the only one he has to rely on. Please equip him properly so he doesn't do the wrong thing in dealing with it and ruining his life and future.

My husband can track down an Aikido group for you in the area if you're interested. You can also Google it and find out some great info.

Best wishes!!

My son was in 3rd grade when 2 5th or 6th graders would bully him. I talked to his classroom teacher and the principal. Just like your case, nothing was done. I got the "kids will be kids" speech. For me that was not good enough b/c those older kids had no business on that elementary campus. I ended up talking directly to the parents. That problem ended.

As for you talking to the Superintendent, if they did nothing about it, you could have filed a complaint. I am in this situation right now. I had to finally do the unthinkable and hire a lawyer.

Hopefully you won't have to go that far.

Hi M.,

I'm sorry your son is having to deal with this. I am a full-time mom and a part-time Taekwondo Instructor, 2nd degree black belt. I am in the American Taekwondo Association (ATA). The ATA has excellent programs in teaching confidence and self-defense. You are on target when you stated that body language is important, and Taekwondo provides people with the confidence and resources for dealing with bullies, and most of the time using physical action is not necessary.

I was approached by a man who I believe meant me harm when I was 6 months pregnant and my older son was 2. Obviously I didn't want to use physical force, but I was completely prepared to do so, but my training kept me calm, collected, and I responded so assertively to this man that he immediately backed down and left me alone.

One of the teenage girls in our school was recently approached by a bully, and the confidence she has gained in martial arts helped her to respond assertively, and the bully backed off and physical defense was not necessary. Of course if bullies become physical, martial arts provides the skills to defend oneself.

You can go to www.ataonline.com and find a school in your area. You are also welcome to contact me if you have any questions.

Good luck!

Well, I wrote a great response to that and there were technical problems and it didn't save my reply!

Unfortunately bullying is all to common and I know a teenager who comes home daily with torn clothing and injuries. The school keeps telling his mom there's nothing they can do.

I highly recommend
http://www.amazon.com/Asperger-Syndrome-Bullying-Strategi...

Even if your son does not have AS it can teach any child how to recognize bullies, how to prevent bullying, and what to do if it happens anyway. There are classes taught on it as well, such as at FOCUS www.asdfocus.com

and another popular book is
http://www.amazon.com/Bullying-Secondary-Schools-Manage-P...

I hope you find a solution!

S., former bullied individual, graduated homeschooling class of 1997, mom to four homeschooled children on the autism spectrum

Yes!
Put him in Karate classes!
As he learns his self esteem will increase and the bullies
will no longer be a problem, but, also, you must be ready
for that phone call that says come get you son, he beat up
another kid! If he gets a good instructor you won't have
that phone call. He'll also learn how to avoid the bully!

There is a bully law. Go straight to the school police office. They will be able to help you.If not contact state. If you need the number google it. (TEA.)

I taught in a public high school here in San Antonio (it was a magnet program a small student body with in a larger high school setting). We took bullying very very seriously with a no tolerance policy. In fact if the offender made contact with the victim again after being talked to by the principle they faced suspension and removal to an alternative school.

You might look into a magnet program...the one I taught at had several students who came from New Brausfels. It is on the Roosevelt (NEISD) campus called Design and Technology Academy (DATA). Anyone can apply from any school district. As a freshman he will have six teachers that every other freshman in his class has...that way we were able to keep an eye on all of our kids. The teachers could work together to provide support for our kids and handle any issues. The even have a summer PE camp just for incoming freshmen to meet each other and earn a PE credit and a health credit before school starts and keep our kids out of PE at the larger high school.

The kids still take some classes at the larger high school, choir, band, sports, etc. It is a nice private school feel within a large public school setting.

Don't know if this helps...good luck! {{{{{hugs}}}}}

Bullying is serious and can have long term consequences. A little teasing by "stunted" teenagers is one thing, but if it escalates and gets physical and overwhelming is another. Do your research as the others suggested, don't let your son look like a victim -- body language, is very important. A few good friends provide a good buffer. Does he have a few friends that will be freshman? Belonging to groups at school, such as a sports team (swimming, or cross country or track, most who try out make the team), the choir, band, a science club, anything of that sort will be beneficial. Let him know that bullying is wrong - those types of people tend to run in packs - unfortunately, but he has the power over how he will act and react to such happenings. He needs to feel empowered so the more you know the more you can empower him. Let him know he is not alone, and there are others who could use a friend he just needs to learn good skills on how to make friends. There are great books out there - "how to win friends and influence people", go to the book store and look around -- Empowerment--- breeds self confidence. Good luck - with helping our son navigate high school. If public school proves to be too much - why not a private christian school? It is worth checking out.

M.,

I'm really sorry about your son. Luckily, I haven't run into this situation with my own children nor did I suffer as a child with being bullied.

I am a Dr. Phil junky. He has done several shoes on bullying and he is very serious about it. I would look on his website search his bullying shows. I'm sure there is some great advice he has out there.

I hope that someone is able to shed some light on this for you. I think bullying is terrible and I hate what it does to people. My hat's off to you for being assertive for your son and searching for answers. Don't give up until he no longer has the problem!

A.