Bully at School

I don't know. What worked for us when we were kids might not work in a day and age where metal detectors in Junior High Schools is not an unexpected sight. Standing up to a bully might work wonders, or it might lead to an extended hospital stay.

I say it's not worth the risk. Let the school administrators handle it and raise hell if they don't.

First, I agree with you on how to act on this, but I also know how it is to be a foster child, no matter the age, or area. She is at a greater risk because of it. I personally feel talking with her instructor (karate. Ask how she should handle this in their view. The only real concern I have is more than one after her now. I would talk with the school anyway, let them know what is going on. This will save her problems from the school. I have been there, and asserting herself is good, but it won't save her. talk to the instructor.

What you said to your daughter is probably what my husband (and a lot of people)would have said too. I'm an elementary school teacher and I understand why your daughter looked at you like you were crazy, since at school kids are taught other ways to deal with the problem. The counselor at our school constantly talks about giving the bully and "I message", telling them the truth of how you feel when they do that. Second step is walk away and tell a teacher, counselor or principal. In our school bullies are not tolerated at all, so telling a teacher can actually help a lot. But if you're daughter threatens to hit her back, then she'll be in trouble too. Especially if she actually does it, even if it's "self-defense". Bullies are usually kids with very low self-esteem who just want to feel better by making other kids feel worse. If your daugher understands this, she can tell her an I message like "I feel so sad for you that you choose to be a bully instead of playing/talking/hanging out with your friends, it must be really hard being mean all the time".
This is what they're told to do in school...
Bullying back is going to get her in trouble, especially if nobody knows that your kid is being bullied. Teachers and principal NEED to know.
Now, as a mom, what I would do is find out who this kid is and talk to his/her mom directly, from mom to mom. Nobody wants their kid to be a bully. Good luck!

That is so hard and you are one busy mom. Go with your gut even if you have to go to the principle without your daughter knowing. Better to be safe. Maybe he or someone else could follow her out and watch to see what is happening and step in and tell this girl this is not exceptable. You need to stop what you are saying you should not talk to people that way. Sometimes it takes an adult to step in and control the situation. Her parents might not no better to teach her. But there is something going on with that girl that has nothing to do with your daughter and unfortunatly she is taking it out on your daughter.

WOW! I had to laugh to myself cuz I got the same advice from my mom when I was young and I thought she was crazy at first too! lol

I think it was more the shock of her actually giving me permission to hit back. I thought she would tell me to walk away or ignore her or to go tell an adult. After the original shock I was relieved that she would trust me enough to confront the situation on my own.

The only other thing she added to her advice: If you let yourself get beat up without putting up a fight, when you get home, I will beat you up again myself.

WHOA! That was all I needed. I was more afraid of her than this bully that's for sure. But in the end the bully was in fact all talk and only tried to start something when she knew other adults would intervene or before the bell would ring. Very convenient for her. ;) Good luck!

I know you will probably get a lot of emails saying that you should have offered some non violent peace loving alternative.

In my personal experience however, the only way to get rid of bullies is to do exactly what you told your stepdaughter. You stand up to them. Bullies are just that. They bully people that they perceive as weaker. When they find out that you're not weak, they move on. Usually without a fight. Though when I was 12 I had to stand up to 2 bullies and we did end up in a fight. But the fact that I had to fight gave me a reputation that lasted through high school. I never had to fight again after that.

Good luck to you. :)
J.

At my school where I teach the kids get into trouble regardless of who takes the first punch. If one kid touches another one they're both in trouble. So I would try to stay away from the self defense thing. I would tell your daughter she needs to inform a teacher, aide or the principal. Its not being a "snitch" she's helping the other girl. Kids are usually bullies because they need something to have control over. The other girl may need counseling or someone to talk to and is exerting control over something she feels she can. The only safe way out is to tell an adult, otherwise your daughter is going to get into trouble, too.

I am all for you!! I think it's too important for children to save face on the playground. Once they are bullied around they will always be bullied. If they stand up for themselves they will get respect on the play ground. It's so much better for their self esteem. I tell my girls they will always be in trouble at home with me if they throw the first punch but if someone hits them first and they hit back they will never be in trouble with me. Unfortunately they will probably be in trouble at school but its worth it in my opinion. If you read a handful of information from many respected child counselors they will tell you the same thing. And when the bully backs down your child will feel so confident in their own ability to protect herself. That feeling of value will last her a lifetime.

Sounds like you did the right thing to me! I was bullied all through Middle school, in California, and it was hell. But moving to AZ was a completely different experience. When your daughter explained everything, The bully probably had to come to grips with the fact that your daughter had "thought this over", so maybe she "ain't the girl to mess wit" as they say when they aren't around us, lol. Just be careful with the karate suggestions. Some parents can't handle the fact that their child is anything less than perfect and may claim some kind of lawsuit because your daughter used "excess violence" and so do schools, they are SO anal like that.

I agree with the others re communication first. I would worry about the implications of how the school would perceive your daughter. Even though, she may be acting in self defense~ most schools are not going to take the time to figure out who is to blame,etc. Personally, I would not want the responsibility of giving her permission to kick another child in the stomach .
Also, because she is a foster child I would be concerned with her being labeled a troublemaker. Did you consult her CPS worker re this issue first? Just a thought, HKR

I would get her teacher involved (your foster daughter's or the other girl) so that when something does happen there has been some discussion about it. Also, a fight is a fight no matter who starts it. Just because yours did not throw the first punch doesn't mean she wouldn't be disciplined.

Have you spoken to your daughter's Sensei? They will know your daughter and can tell her what to do.

I agree with what you told your daughter. My son was bullied all last year. We went to the teachers and the principle and they did absolutely nothing. My son has never taken self-defense classes and is not a physical kid, but a brain, thus why he was picked on. Our neighbor is of another ethnic background, the school is mainly upper-middle class white. The bulling problem in this school had been going on for a few years according to our neighbor who was having the same problem. The bullies knew the rules and what the teachers were looking for so they did most of the bullying behind the teachers backs or on the way home from school.

We took my son out of the school, for other reasons. The neighbor told me that the school FINALLY took some action this past month after three years!
I understand that bullies are usually of low self-esteem but most times they need to be put in their place.

Hi G..

This is a tough situation. Regardless of all else that changes in the lives of the kids, there are ALWAYS bullies.

I've never been bullied myself, but have stood up for others. And, my Dad told me pretty much the same thing Mindy's mother told her. Let them make the first move, then "clean their clock" and if I didn't, then I'd get it at home. I know that sounds harsh. But, if you don't allow your child the ability to defend themselves, you kinda set them up. Also, does the bully threaten your daughter when her (your daughter) friends are around? Witnesses are awesome things!

I understand what the other lady said about getting in trouble. I understand the set up for a lawsuit (we are a sue happy nation!), but the bigger issue here is your daughter. She has to know that she is allowed to protect herself. Armed with that knowledge, she can then throw down her "bring it on" with the understanding that you back her. Bullies get away with being bullies because people are afraid to confront them. And, mostly, they're just hot air.

You may want to throw a "heads up" at the principal. Just let him know that your daughter is having issues with a bully. That's all - no names. I know people say talk to the principal and the bully's folks. But, I've known a lot of people who did that and the bullying just got worse. You've got to weigh what you know about this kid. If you don't know much, then you could ask your daughter. But, all in all - gotta tell you I think you did the right thing. But, if it does come down to brass tacks, be there to support her thru the aftermath.

Good luck. I hope it IS nothing more than hot air!

Sounds like what you told her to do worked. I know I was always told the same kind of thing growing up, never throw the first punch, but always throw the last one. I'll teach my daughter the same. I think it's healthy self-defense.

I agree that your daughter should try to work the problem out on her own. Perhaps talk to her about using her words first. Why does this girl want to beat her up? Does your daughter have other friends that could stand up with her to help her out? Having your daughter intice the bully by telling her to "go ahead, throw the first punch" will not solve anything. You are probably right, that it is false threats on the bully's part, but help your daughter to use words to deal with this bully issue.

Well, your foster daughter can get in trouble for "throwing the 2nd punch". In schools now (I know this becuase this happened to my son) they want the child to instead tell a teacher/adult instead of defending oneself. Your daughter is still young, and you should talk to the principal instead of not doing it becuase she doesnt want you to. This bully is probably doing this to other kids too and the principle needs to be made aware of this and hold this kid accountable.

Although I completely understand your wanting your daughter to stand her ground, it probably is better to let her work things out verbally with this girl as violence begets violence. If your daughter learns to threaten or respond in a physical manner, than she is no better than the girl trying to initiate the fighting. The other girl may be all talk (likely) and talking is what will nip it in the bud. Speaking to the other girls parent would be my first choice - sitting everyone down together to understand the conflict. Maybe the other girl is having problems at home - any child that is wanting to physically fight "learned" that behavior - as your daughter proved to you when she acted shocked. It's not in a child's nature to harm. Unfortunately, they get those messages from outside sources like their enviornment, tv, movies, etc.

If talking to the parents doesn't work, than involve the teacher/principal. Be empathetic with your daughter, and instill in her that he strength comes from within...and to save self-defense karate for times when she really needs it.

Best of luck!

Hi G.

Yes, go talk to the teacher,principle and maybe have a joint meeting one or both her parents. Try to find out what the real problem is, (such as she maybe acting out because something else is going, parents getting divorced,somebody dieing). Alot of school are very concerned about bullying because of all the school shooting and such, (the one being bullied is the one that often strikes back). If by some chance they don't act too concerned and it still goes on, you might need to transfer to another school. Also talk to your foster daughter and see is problems anybody else, if that is the case it could be she is provoking (she would be the common denominator) it either intentionally or not. Has she ever had any kind of aggression problems? If she is doing any kind of counseling talk to the couselor about what is going on too. Think about every angle. Hope this helps.

L. Smith

Kids can be so cruel and I totally agree with how you handled it. Of course, that is the same advice I gave my 11 and 9 year old sons also. I think it is very important to have kids stand up for themselves and running to the principle would only add fire to the problem. Hopefully this takes care of the problem.

I agree with how you handled the situation. I was bullied all through middle school. I never told anyone and I never stuck up for myself either. I avoided the bullies and was afraid. I had very low self esteem and I look back and really wish I would have said "Bring it on". Still to this day I have issues and avoid confrontation at all cost. I have three young children and when they are older my husband and I will give them the same advice you did. But you do have to stand behind her if she gets suspended, because like the other mothers said she will get in trouble too, even if she's defending herself. But it will be good for her to stick up for herself and the bully probably won't follow through anyway. But if she backs down and hides from the problem like I did, it will affect her forever. I know people say tell a teacher/principal which (could) work, but in the long run she needs to take care of herself and know that you are behind her when she does.