Bullying

I home school my son and we both love it. I have a little one in school now, but will he be joining us in the fall. We can't depend on the schools to do the things they need to do, they have a different agenda than we as parents to. Being in the same environment as the bully isn't going to help. Good luck!

H.
i would go to the school it there job to keep the school fealing safe place to be well good luck hope someone dose something for you

Coping skills? Bullying is illegal for a reason. Your son does not need to learn to cope with incredibly rude people. I would contact the parents of the children that bullying your son and I would stand up for him! The school needs to stop this immediately. The students in question should be at least in detention for this behaviour. Again... your son is doing nothing wrong and you need to stand up for him.

H., I have a son who was/is just like that... he is now grown. Two things helped my son, first he needs to understand the bully, explain that bullies are basically VERY insecure and do not feel good about themselves, hurting others makes them feel better about themselves, sad eh? Next to be able to laugh when those cruel things are said will help it stop, if it doesn't hurt someone why bother? have your son find a book of funny comebacks, to make a joke of it all makes the comment.. lighter, not so mean. My son kind of made friends with many bullies, he helped tutor students who were struggling, might sound odd but it gave him an "upper hand". Find out if the school has a tutoring program. My son is still a skinny "geek" with glasses, carries a book where ever he goes, says he is PROUD to be a geek! (he is 27). Tell your son to be proud of who he is, it is geeks who are millionaires, and have designed some of the most important things we use every day, (computers, music, hybrid cars, weather towers, anything electronic...) Good luck, help build his confidence now to be a successful adult! K.

Hi H.,
It's so hard when someone is bullying your child. I haven't had to deal with this at your level (I have a 2 and 4 1/2 year old boys) but last summer when we were at the park a boy was teasing my son and he told the boy he didn't want to play with him cause he was mean. It brought a little smile to my face when he said that. The boy didn't stop, though and my son came up to me and I told the boy to leave my son alone. That was when I started thinking about when they get older and how I was going to protect them then. Well, I won't always be there to protect them so I am teaching them to tell mommy or an adult if someone is hurting or teasing them. I think that the school needs to continue to watch the problem. I think that when my boys are older I will try and tell them how high school seems so important while you are going through it but for me, looking back it wasn't. Academically it is important but socially it doesn't matter who were nerds, popular, band geeks, ect. After you graduate you won't see most of the people again. I want my kids to be confidant, smart boys. Good luck.
Chris

Hi H.,
My eldest son (now 15) has had this problem his whole life. He's a very outgoing kid and I admit a bit odd and a lot of times other kids don't know how to take him. When it started in gradeschool I told him to inform the teachers, to ignore the other child and walk away. Sometimes it worked.
As he got older it seemed the schools did less and less, he still has to put up with bullies kicking his seat and saying rude things. When one boy shoved him into a table he shoved back, and got in trouble. I informed the principle when he called that I have instructed my son to stand up for himself since the staff won't and if that kid touches my boy again he has every right to defend himself. He didn't like that. The problem was taken care of.
I have told both my boys that it is better to walk away always, unless you have a quick wit like your dad and can run fast- stay quiet. lol But if someone puts their hands on you you have every right to defend yourself. I won't ground them for that, however start a fight and its not your father you'll be dealing with.
Sometimes our kids just have to take what we have given them and find their own way to deal with it. We cant always fight their battles for them. I do make sure to pump his self esteem a lot and let him know that these other kids are not happy and being a bully makes them happy. If you let it bother you you give them power over you. Use your brains God gave them to you for a reason. It's hard to watch our kids go through this just make sure you keep the lines of communication open, very important. Good luck I hope you found some help.
God Bless,
W.

Hello H.,
The really strange thing for me about all this is do we ever ask what WE would do if we were being bullied in the work place? Seriously we often think of school as a training ground for the work place. But we rarely look at what is being learned/taught by this type of behavior in our school system. And that really includes both sides of the situation. A bully who is allowed to continue in that behavior is going to have it very hard in the work place, may even have a hard time holding down a job. Sometimes I question the wisdom of looking at it as if it was only a "school" problem.
Talking loudly about inappropriate topics isn't allowed in restaurants, middle of the mall or most places in our adult world. We would be shocked as adults to see this kind of behavior allowed, so it really is no surprise children don't know how to handle it.
Sorry....I haven't really given you advice have I? But then you already have a lot. Maybe just a ponder and I way to present it to the school and your son in a different way.

We dealt with this also, my son was a little overweight.
We finally discussed with him that the kids doing the bullying did not have such great home lives. (Did some checking) And told him that they were probably jealous of all the great things in my sons life. It did not stop until high school, but our discussing it seemed to make it a little better for my son. He came to understand why kids would put others down to make themselves feel better. I have been doing Youth Ministry for over 20 yrs. & middle school is the absolute worst time for kids. Middle school kids are horrible. I absolutely laid down in my home that my sons would not pick on each other, cruelly. I told them that our home was a safe place, they got enough junk in school, our home was a place that they could come & feel good about themselves. And we did make sure that they felt that God had created them exactly the way He wanted, Perfect. I had a handicap brother & watched it happen to him his whole life & the one thing I would not tolerate was put downs from anyone. On the up side, my son is now the successful one of all those kids. The lead engineer in a very successful company. He lived thru it & came out a better person, probably with a more sensitive heart. But as a Mom it is heart breaking to watch.
School is different these days & if you feel like it wouldn't hurt the situation, I might call the parents. I sometimes wished that I had. But we did talk to teachers & they were extremely helpful. I am sorry for what your son is going thru, I can feel your pain now.

Please check out any program they might have at school on bullying. this is bullying, no doubt. Children need to know how to cope and schools MUST make a safe environment for learning. Check out some programs for yourself and take them to the school for them to institute , if they don't have something in place. Most responsible schools have started programs throughout the elementary and jr. high. One really good program is called "Children's Creative Response to Conflict" but there are similar ones in use throughout the country. Be proactive yourself and help him with coping ideas, and playacting situations out. But my advice would be to really push for the school to have a program.

You should let him know that there is nothing wrong with being gay. Ignorant people use the word 'gay' as a synonym for 'stupid' because they are not intelligent enough to think of any other words. We need to let our youth know that all people special and unique. Some were born gay, some straight, some are bi and some are transgendered. And we are supposed to love all people because everyone has something different and good about them. Whether your son is gay or not is none of anyone’s business but his (and yours so that you can support him and help him with questions and concerns). You should talk to him about his sexual preference and tell him that any way is ok, no matter what the bullies say. Sometimes it’s the bully who is actually feeling the gay tendencies and that is why they lash out at others. It’s hard to be young and not accepted in the 'norm'. Also the bullies need to get a dictionary and find a few new words that actually mean what they are trying to say. My son was being bullied by a 6 year old first grader, he’s 5 and in kindergarten. The principal met with both with both boys and I don’t expect for it to be a problem anymore. In your case the kids are older, but maybe they need to sit with the principal too.

I just picked up a book at Walmart actually, called Stick Up For Yourself. It's a child's guide to handling situations with bullies or even with speaking to adults. Any time speaking up needs to be done. Most kids don't know just how to handle those kinds of situations. I haven't read it yet, nor has my daughter. Good luck. K.

The school should have a bullying regimen in place that all students must sign and parents as well, with exact consequences to these actions against your son. Your son should report name calling and any bullying behavior to his teacher, pricipal, lunch monitors, etc and you must insist they take action. The kids doing the bullying should not be allowed to sit with other students at lunch, nor go outside to play. Have his table changed-have him not respond and move away from these kids when they are around. I would call their parents as I am sure any parent would want to know if their child was doing this to someone. Tell him this is their insecurity that is causing this behavior and to only associate with kind friends.

Hello H.,

My name is Paula. I know what you mean about mean kids. I've always said children are the meanist people on earth. They say and do things to hurt people just for a laugh. I have a 10 yr old. He gets teased alot but what I told him is something that worked when I was in school. See I was a heavy young girl and was teased all the time. Finally I had enough and this is what I did; when someone started to tease me I would look at them right in the face and (not show that it bothered me cuz if I did then they would have won),straight in to their eyes and tell them Thank You Very Much and I Hope You Have a Great Day. I can tell you that they did not know what to think. They would stand there and just look at me with their mouth open and stare. Finally when I showed them that I didn't care what they thought of me and that what they were saying was no longer making me feel bad about myself and where I was in life they left me alone and went to someone else. What I'm trying to say is tell your son the same thing I did to mine. The saying sticks and stones you know Im sure, its a lie when it says names dont hurt cuz they do. I told my son to do as I did, when they started to tease him just look at them and tell them thank you and you have a great day too. He did it and finally after maybe 2 weeks he came to me and said they dont tease him any more. So thats what I'm suggesting to you tell your son to do that and not let it show that it hurts his feelings because I know from personal experience that it does hurt but he is better than them and he can do it. Once he does start doing it it will help build his self esteam alot and he will get more confident and be able to handle what ever they through at him. I hope you do try this it really will help when they see that he dont care at all they will unfortunatly move on to someone else and maybe your son will help them. Let me know how it works. I hope you,your son,and your husband all live happily and have a blessed day and life.

Sincerly,

Paula

I have an eighth grade son too - it's fun but they're in that in between kid and adult stage and it's so hard. My son is not bullied and seems to be quite popular - but is definitely not mean. This may seem a stupid thing to say - but how does he dress. Does he wear the kind of clothes that the other kids wear - say nice jean from old navy or gap or abercrombie or similar, and nice tops. My kid likes the skater boy look - long sleeve tops with a T shirt on top. Also, how is his hair - is it too long, too short. I mention these things because kids are so superficial and if they look different to everyone else it makes them a target. Can he join any groups at school - for example is he in to theatre stuff. Doing the school play can introduce him to a whole load of new kids. What about sports? Youth groups? Tell him to ignore the mean kids as best as he can - and when he's an adult with a great job because he's so academic, he'll have the last laugh.

Hi H., I also have an 8th grader. I don't normally promote violence, but I did advice him to go in his room or the basement so he could be by himself and think of 3 "come back's" that he could use that would pertain to any situation. Like "you got a problem?" I told him to practice this as if someone were bugging him and to actually stand up and get "in there face" as if they were actually there. I want him to have these comebacks ready and for themt o be instant. Bully's don't like to be questioned. they will back down. I would also recommend karate or some other class like boxing, etc. He also needs to build his physical confidence.

While someone mentioned that it isn't "our job" to do anything, it really is. We are the parents who know our children much better than anyone else. I think you are taking the right approach with this matter. Certainly, contacting the school to let them know about the situation is the first step. Perhaps they may want to talk individually to the students (if your son can identify them) so they can inform them about how serious bullying is. Perhaps this can be addressed to the whole school in general terms of what is and is not acceptable behavior and what the consequences are if they do not act appropriately. Of course, I certainly see why they would want to try to hear these comments first-hand since the students may deny the claims. I definitely encourage you to speak with the school again if hear from your son that these comments are continuing. You are definitely right about wanting your son to learn some coping skills. Perhaps you may want to check The Self-Esteem Shop In Royal Oak to see if they have any useful resources. As someone said, taking karate can also help build self-confidence if your son was interested.

I imagine you are already telling him this but tell him not to let someone else's stupidity affect your own happiness because he is then giving them control. Have a guide about what he should do if someone upsets him. If the kids are bothering him, what works for him as far as calming himself down and so his face perhaps shows that he is not bothered by them.

I am having the same problem with my 9 year old. I don't feel it is our job to do anyhthing. i feel the school should, have you spoke with anyone there?

Best I can suggest is to have him realize the bullies are insecure and have to put others down to make themselves feel better. Have your son repeatedly tell anyone supervising as soon as the bullying happens so that immediate action can be taken. I know in our district bullying is not tolerated and even a hint that you are bullying someone will get you in school detention. If it happens at lunchtime you will be taken to the principals office to finish your meal. If it happens in the hall during passing time you are escorted to the principal immediately and receive a tardy to class when you finally get there. (3 tardies gets you a detention) I would keep up with the school to make sure this issue is being taken care of. Your son could also let the bullies sit down first then move to an area away from them. I also agree with Kathy F. Have your son make light of the situation or learn some good comebacks. The bullies won't be expecting him to stand up for himself and will subsequently back down. Good luck, I hope I've helped.

My husband was bullied throughout school because he was considered a geek. What really worked for him was learning karate. It built up his confidence and his strength, so that if anyone touched him first, he beat them to a pulp. I'm not promoting violence, but your son has to be able to stand up and defend himself if the need arises. Bullies never learn. My husband would tell you to not allow your son to be a victim. My husband is 47 years old today and still has excellent karate moves. It keeps his body in shape by making him strong and agile. It's phenomenal.

MC