"Can You Spoil a Four Month Old to Much?"

N.,
I feel for you. I watched my sister-in-law go through the same thing with her in-laws (my parents). She let the in-laws take care of her daughter from age 6months to about 2 years, every day....and the little one IS spoiled--> but then she started some pre-school days and is VERY well behaved at school (the teachers love her), but acts spoiled again at home. I'd vote and say that day care or nanny would be better than letting the in-laws spoil her. Maybe have one or two days a week with the in-laws, another 2-3 days of nanny care and then hopefully you can do weekends.... good luck!

I have seen my sister in law go through this. My brother in law's grandmother has been watching my niece one or two days a week since she was a young infant. Because of how the great-grandmother constantly babies my niece (she will be 3 in Nov) she whines and cries when she doesn't get her way, she doesn't nap and she isn't potty trained. As a child-care provider myself, I cringe at a lot of the behaviors because I know that they could have been prevented.

Socialization is very imporant in early childhood! As a nanny I arrange playdates, take the children to playgrounds, etc. to ensure that they have time with other children.

As far as germs, yes, children in daycares are exposed to A LOT of germs and they do get sick more often, however, as an older child their immune system is stronger. You need to decide what is more important to you, your child never being exposed to germs until they get into school, and then missing a lot of time from school because they are not immune to the germs OR getting colds and minor illnesses now to build up an immune system and later missing less time from school.

Reguardless of what your in-laws think, they have to respect the way you want to raise your child. It is not their place to make those decisions and they should work with you if they want to continue to have a good relationship with you. Your husband should be the one to tell them that they need to respect your wishes otherwise it could cause problems not only between you and the in-laws but also between you and your husband. He should totally be behind you and kindly explain to them they way it is going to have to be. The spoiling??? I've heard you can't spoil a baby in the first 6 months, however, all three of mine were happiest when they were being held because that's all I did! That said, you may have problems if you are going back to work, but your daughter will probably adjust quickly.

PS. I put my first child in daycare at the age of 3. I was so worried about sickness and other things at the daycare, it was rough dropping him off at first but after about 2 weeks he didnt' even want to leave when I would come to pick him up. Plus they taught him a lot.

N.,
Can you spoil a 4 month old too much? Noooooo! She's only 4 months old! Infants need to be carried around all the time - they're infants. You're worried about socialization and stimulation from day care but at this age especially she will get all the socialization/stimulation she needs from a loving family attending to her, carrying her around, talking to her, playing with her. You're not creating a spoiled child by holding a crying infant. You're creating a secure child - one that knows when she needs something (even if it's just the warmth/comfort of a loved one's body) someone will help her. You're not "catering" to her, you're building trust.
You are very lucky and you don't realize it. You have in-laws who want to love and care for your child - you should be grateful, not resentful. You are picking them apart for nurturing your child! Think twice before sending her to a stranger when she could be lucky enough to have family caring for her, you may find out that these things don't even compare to some other problems that could arise. My daughter was "spoiled" and "catered to" to use your words when she was that age and older. She is a loving, intelligent, polite, generous, friendly, etc., etc., etc. toddler now. She wasn't in day care and she gets along great w/ other children her age. As far as the feeding schedule how much is she eating? My experience w/ my own daughter and the other babies that I know is that they don't overeat. They eat when they are hungry, they don't when they aren't. An acquaintance of mine had her 4 month old on a feeding schedule that met her expectation, but not his. It ended up w/ her baby underweight & unhealthy and in need of emergency feeding and the pediatricians VERY upset w/ her and her schedule. You're very busy and I'm sure even more tired. Be grateful that there are people willing to surrogate for you while you're working to move your family forward, and give them a break.
S.

I have chosen to allow my parents and in-laws to spoil my children. However, they are not our full day-time care keepers. I think that is where the line needs to be drawn. If your in-laws choose to provide child care, then they need to understand the difference between being a grandparent and developing a child who will be their own individual and not co-dependent. We have chosen as well, not to do the public day-care route, for several reasons, the germs, but also we don't want someone else's opinions/agendas to shape our child when it may not match our own. So, we've chosen that my husband be the stay-at-home dad, and so far is working well for us. I wish you the best of luck in this.
J.

N.,
I completely understand you. Although I must say at times i feel i wish i had that problem. mine are the total opposite, my girls are 5th and 6th grandchildren (from other children) to my inlaws so they're pretty much done with spending time with mine.
but i have to say, i can't find how old your daughter is, but nonetheless, if she's younger than 2 years old, I would let them take care of her until she turns 2 and then take her to daycare. really, before the age of 2 kids don't know much about socialization. Until then bite your tongue. I know all about kids being spoiled (i have two of them) and i have spoiled them carrying them around, attending to every little need of theirs that by the time they turned two i thought no daycare place will accept them because how unruly they are.
but they're completelty different when in school, they obey the rules, they eat, socialize, learn etc.
there is another reason why i say wait until she's 2 to put her in a daycare setting. it is true about kids getting sick constantly the first year in daycare. it has been awful, not just the simple colds, but strep throat, terrible cough, then pneumonia, pink eye, stomach virus, colds again, pink eyes again oh my god so many things. it has now been a year for mine being in school and i still deal with sicknesses on and off. and if she is younger than 2 she can't even tell you what's wrong or what hurts or if something happens at daycare. remember in the end they're strangers and won't care for your child like your own blood would.
try one more time to tell the inlaws what your wishes are and then leave it at them, only for the time being. in meantime start shopping around for a good daycare/preschool setting, maybe even put her on the waiting list and take it from there
good luck
vlora

N.,
I feel for you. I think all of the advice offered has been great. I went through the same thing with my first son in home daycare. She held my son all the time and on weekend, I would just die over the fact that my son wanted to be held all day long and I could not get anything done around our home. She was teaching him another language and his first words were Indian. We were very upset with this since we did not speak that language and needed him to communicate English with us. She did not follow the feeding schedule. I finally made a daily journal for her to fill out. When he ate, what and how much he ate, when she changed a poop or pee diaper, what things he did through the day. Any special things he did. My in-laws live in Costa Rica, so they do not get time with any of my children. My parents do not spend much time with my children and when I did ask years ago for their help I was told "We have already raised our children". So, you are very lucky to have the help. As far as daycare centers, you need to know that YES your child will be sick all the time, and you will need some sort of back up childcare system in place. The centers have rules of when a child can be there when sick. You will find that you maybe taking more time off work to care for your sick child. Fevers more than 100... your child can not be at daycare. Some centers around here will not even let the child there if they have a runny nose. Try to sit down again and talk with your in-laws. Try and do a journal. Not only will it help them follow a set schedule, but you will have something to look at, and later in life it might be cool for your daughter to look at. I would keep her out of daycare. Socialization, she can get that through Playdates, or mom's groups, even at the local park or swimming pool. Ask your in-laws to do education things with her and try even buying things through a group, like scholastics. As far as carrying her around all the time. With my daughter, (my last) I carried her around constantly at this age. I had a baby carrier, and I would strap her in on my back when doing yard work and such or front when doing cooking and things. It stopped her from crying, gave her all the attention she needed, made her feel safe, and I thought, helped her see more things that mama was doing. I did this till she was the age of 9 months, and it seemed that when she began crawling and walking, I did not have as much of a problem of her crying and whining while I tried to get things done around the house. I think at her age, it is normal for her to want to be held and cry when she is not. But as far as not following your schedules and rules you would like set in place, it is important for you and your husband to sit down with them together, so they know you are both on the same page. They know you are in unison with your decisions on ho to raise your daughter. They will respect you more because you are coming to them together. Good Luck.
HTH
Jenn
Mama to Bryce~9, Austin~6 Taylor~19 months
Step Mama to Nich~15 Christian~14

You have quite a problem. People have given you some nice suggestions. I too was in the same place you are in. My mom and grandmother watched my daughter from when she was 3 months to 8 months. They did okay with the schedule piece of things because the did realize the importance of that. But they also had a very difficult time putting her down ever, even to nap. That was the problem of having a great grandmother watch her because she truly believes that God is keeping her around to watch the babies. Well, I loved the family support and not having to pay for child care. BUT I also wanted a child that would nap and sleep in her crib when she was with me! At 8 months we did an in home child care that was WONDERFUL. Yes, kids will get sick. But the socialization is great even for the little ones to be around other kids. Kids learn to walk, talk and develop with having other kids or adults to watch. Despite the problems with my family watching her I would have kept her with them if they could have continued to do it, but my sister had a baby then. So, it is quite a toss up. If it were me if they were not willing to work with your way of doing things after talking with them then I would think of other part time options, but still keep her with them a couple days. But if you can try and wait until she is a year to go to a child care facility, to save money and not deal with as much sickness that would be good too.

Ugh... It is so much harder when relatives watch your child. With a sitter you can say "feed her at 2,4,6,8" and expect it to get done, but relatives are not always so easy to deal with. My MIL watched my son early on and we went through the same thing.
But the do say that you can not spoil a child this young with to much attention. What is your and your husbands parenting style? Do you believe in "crying it out" or are you just feeling you need to let her do that because you have to get things done? If you do want to go that route, you need to all sit down and explain to them how you would like YOUR child raised, and that if they can not follow your wishes, you will need to investigate child care. REgardless you and your DH need to agree on things you want done and then show a united front. Get what you want written down on paper and have htem agree to it. If you don't do it now, it will get so much harder later!!
If you do not have a problem with them holding the baby except that is hard to get things done, there are lots of great baby carrier options out there these days, where you (and they) can wear your baby and do almost anything (currently wearing and nursing 9 week old while I type!!). You can try looking on www.thebabywearer.com, or for a local resource www.handsfreebaby.com for carrier ideas. (I jsut feel that babies should be able to be wtih you whenever they feel the need, but that is just my parenting philosophy).
Best of Luck,
K.

N., you sound like you're in a tough situation. It is heartbreaking to have to leave your child while you work. I can't really advise whether your daughter is better with your in-laws or a daycare center. There are pros and cons to both. As for spoiling her, I read once that you cannot spoil a baby. I had my last at 37 and held her a lot, responded immediately to her cries and she is a very wonderful 6 year old now. I know it is hard when you come home from work to hold a baby, but do the best you can. Our children are only babies for a very short time and then you turn around and they are grown. If this situation is causing a lot of friction in your family, you could tactfully explain that you'd like her in a center where she would have more interaction with other children.

I think you are one of the luckest mom in the world. Don't send your baby to day care before 2 years old. She will get sick all the time. Who will be better than your inlaws? I hired several nannies and they are terrible. They just want money and don't want to work. They don't play and talk to the baby. They don't hold the baby and let baby cry. If you don't let your inlaws look after your baby, you are the stupidest woman in the world.

I really think that you and your husband need to have a long talk with your in-laws. It is true that Grandparents are expected to spoil their grandchildren, but they should at least listen to your requests when it comes to something this big. I also disagree with your husband about sending your child to daycare and getting germs. At some point your daughter will start school and do you want her to catch everything when she starts kindergarten or get it over with when she is 2? My son started full time daycare at 4 months old. The first year was tough with a bunch of colds and little infections, but now that he is 2 he hardly ever catches anything. Good Luck!

Yes, that is a huge obsticle. Spoiling is one thing and not following the guidlines you have set for your daughter is another. I don't think that a four month old is really going to be too spoiled but I do believe that it is very important for them to abide by your wishes especially regarding a feeding schedule and any other schedules. I think you and your husband need to sit down with them and explain the importance of the schedules to them and go as far as writing down exactly what you do and when and post it on their fridge. Make sure that you tell them how much you appreciate them caring for your daughter and how much she adores them. You don't want them to feel like they aren't appreciated or that you don't want them to have as much time with their granddaughter. But you need to address it now before you start resenting them! You have a long road ahead and you don't want to have a poor relationship with your inlaws. Some of the parenting books also have chapters on this very subject, maybe you can have them read that or even read in books why schedules are important. Ask them if they are having trouble keeping up with it and what you can do to make it easier - maybe labeling bottles with the times she is to have them?

Hi N.,
I agree with you 100%. They need to stop doing this with her. She will only grow more and more needy, especially with you, and possibly bond even more with the grandparents because she gets what she wants from them. I've nannied for a while and I've been with a family that refused to put their baby down. He cried all day with me because I refused to hold him all day. Their older daughter was very spoiled, fussy, and needy, even at three. She could not do anything independantly.

It's true that grandparents spoil, and the rules change when the grandparents are around. I'm sure there are very few couples who don't have this problem. I know I have this problem with my parents, but they spoil in the way of brining gifts, skipping naps, and being lenient on meals, rules and what not. They don't live close though, so we only have to deal with that about once a month. Nothing compared to what you are dealing with.

I do believe that you have a great opportunity for your daughter to be with family rather than in daycare, or with a (let's face it) stranger, if they can't respect your wishes, then she is better off with strangers.

On that note, I have worked at a daycare myself, and I will NEVER enroll him in preschool. I'm a little bit biased because I had a bad experience, as a teacher at my daycare, but I would never do it, even with me in the next room. I would suggest a home daycare situation, or someone to come to your home. Just make sure you do your research on the person and get plenty of references. I have been through the process both for my son, and I am also a nanny myself, so I can help you out if you'd like. I've found some very good sites, and I know a few agencies you can contact.

Good luck with everything. Hopefully your husband is on your side, and can get through to his parents. If you ever need to talk feel free to contact me.

M.