I need to see if anyone else out there would be bothered by what I am going to tell you and if so, what would you do about it? Some very bad news has come our way as a family. Two days ago, my oldest daughter was diagnosed with cancer. We had found a tumor and she had surgery to remove it and when the tumor was removed, it was determined that it is malignant. My daughter will now go back into surgery again this coming week and will then start radiation to fight the cancer. She is 19 years old and needless to say, I am devastated. I know there is hope to get her into remission or possibly a cure but this news is a giant blow to our family and as a mother, it is the worst news I could ever hear short of having my child die. I have two brother who also have kids. One lives five minutes away and the other one lives several states north. My mother lives with my youngest brother so those guys are in the same town we are in and minutes from us. I recently found out that brother #1, my SIL and nephew are down here visiting and have been here since Tuesday. Not a word of this was ever mentioned to any of us. I find that rude and inconsiderate but given some of the behavior my brothers and mother have had in the past, this doesn’t surprise me. What does bother me and also hurt me beyond belief is that not one of these members of my family have reached out to my daughter to ask her how she is feeling, how she is doing, how can they help? None of them have bothered to call me or my husband as the parents of a child diagnosed with cancer and say…”I am so sorry to hear this and what can we do?” My mother has not made one single effort to see her grandchild, talk with her, or reassure her that things will be okay. As for me, I have spoken to her to tell her the news and she was basically too wrapped up in being “hostess” to my two younger brothers and playing Nanny McPhee over there with their kids! I had called her on the phone to tell her what was happening and about the cancer diagnosis and not once did she ask to talk to my daughter. I am beyond upset and completely blown away by this. I also think that what is going to happen here is that when all the fun and fanfare dies down over there, they are going to try to come over to our house at the eleventh hour before my daughter is taken in for her second surgery. I can feel it coming. People always tell me that when a huge crisis hits, you will find out who your friends really are and the true colors of family will be seen. In my case, the people disappointing me and letting me down are family and it’s my friends that are here to help, console us, give us hope, and pick us up off the floor when we are down. I think this is a huge wake-up call to me that my children and my husband and I don’t matter to the little trinity made up of my mother and two brothers. It’s one thing to blatantly favor particular children and make it noticeable but when you have a grandchild that is this sick, you would think baloney like this wouldn’t exist. I am so hurt and my heart breaks for my daughter that these family members act this way. How would you handle this kind of behavior from family when there is a major crisis happening?
Thank you to everyone who responded to my question and for the outpouring of support for my daughter. It has been a rough road. She is recovering nicely from two back-to-back surgeries and tomorrow is her first Oncology consult to devise a plan for radioactive ablation. Her spirits are good and she amazes me every day with her efforts to get through this and make it a thing of the past. I admire her greatly and love her more than life itself.
As for my family, they are a bunch of self-absorbed idiots. They just are. I don't believe that they don't know what to do or what to say. First of all, my own mother is a nurse practitioner....she absolutely knows what is going on here and also knows it from a medical perspective. As for my siblings, they are just a bunch of asses. They did exactly what I predicted they would do. They all took a trip to the Florida Keys for four days and had my mother watching all of their kids and playing Nanny McPhee the whole time. Then, they all called our house at 8:00 at night the day before my daughter's second surgery and asked to bring the whole sha-bang to my house. The party in The Keys was over and now they were going to try to get "right" with the situation. Surprisingly, I didn't have to do a single thing. My own daughter put the foot to the floor and told all of them that they have all had plenty of opportunity to see her and check in on our family but did not do that. They did not ask how she is or how they can help. They did not reach out to any of us. She told them they may not come over and that they may not come to the hospital either. She said...."I have my mother with me in the hospital and that is who I need. My dad is here supporting me and my sister came home from college for three days to spend time with me before this 2nd surgery. I have who I need, when I have needed it. No thank you on the visits."
Call me Sally and push me over with a feather. Apparently, my daughter has been watching all of this behavior from my mother and two brothers for years. At the ripe old age of 21, she told me that my mother and my two brothers are spoiled brats and self-absorbed Rude Dogs that only do things for others when they want something. She also said she doesn't know how in the heck I turned out to be so different with the likes of this business surrounding me. My answer was....my Dad. He was the buffer and regulator of the crazy. She misses her grandfather very much and wished he was here for her. I reassured her that he would have been by her side through it all and she agreed. So, my own child has come to the very conclusions that I have always had about my family. I have been quiet and said nothing about them and their behavior all this time but she is observant and sees it all. She also told me that our younger daughter feels the same way and said to let them all stew in their own guilt and ridiculous behavior because we don't need what they call "support" at the 11th hour.
Never underestimate what kids see in others and how they behave. If my 18 and 21 year old saw this for what it really was, then many others see it too. I stood behind all my daughter's choices to tell my family to take a flying leap. I understand why she feels the way she does and she is correct in her observance of what they do. I am proud of her. She has learned that bad behavior and indifference is not something she needs in her life and certainly doesn't need it when fighting cancer at age 21. A She has also taught me that although these people are my family, they don't act like one to me and I don't have to accept that behavior in my life. I can expect better and I also deserve better. We are all going to forgive them for being who they are but we don't have to forget it.....and WE WON'T.
I would not assume that they didn't come or call because they don't care. I would assume that they are staying away because they don't know how to process this information, and are afraid.
Cancer has hit my family too many times to mention. Those of us that have seen loved ones struggle with cancer understand what you are going through right now. A lot of times people don't know what to say or how to react when told this kind of news, so they say or do nothing at all. It hurts like hell, especially when it is family.
At this point, you have so much going on that you cannot focus on them and their lack of consideration for what your family is going through. Save it for another time. You will need every bit of energy to support on your daughter (and don't forget yourself in all of this). She needs you more than anything right now. Stay strong and know there are huge support systems in place for you and your family.
I'm wishing your family all the best, and please come back here and keep us updated on your daughter. She is young and strong, and no doubt will get through this with you by her side.
WOW! A lot has happened in two days. My goodness, you must feel so...I can't even imagine.
Here's the thing about cancer: Nobody knows what to do and nobody wants to talk about it.
So, here's what I'd suggest: You've already made clear that you're the go-to, take charge lady when it comes to problem solving and getting things done. So call the family and let them know when the surgery will be, and the EXACT times they can come and visit. "She'll be in the ICU/recovery until 4 and then you can come see her at 6. I know she'll want to see you. She'll be too tired for guests for a few days when we get home, so we're going to wait until Tuesday and do a luncheon where folks can stop in and visit, bring flowers and cards if they want to."
Regardless the family screwed-up-ness that might exist (you mentioned before that your mom is kind of flaky and a shrew since your dad passed), you simply have to toss that aside and take the situation in hand.
Finally, if you're feeling devastated, I imagine your husband is too. Please don't forget his feelings in this. I know he's not as adept at navigating through crises as you are, but he is still a capable person and should be your support emotionally.
I'm sorry this is happening. Put your game face on and focus all of your love on helping your daughter beat this and ensuring that your family stays cohesive. God bless your family and I pray for complete healing for your daughter through the hands and expertise of her medical professionals and caregivers.
ram dass says 'if you think you're enlightened, go spend a week with your family.'
sometimes family is the most difficult thing of all, despite the fact that we all naturally tend to think that's our soft place to fall during crises.
my extended family is experiencing this right now. not sure we'll weather it. i'd have said staunchly and confidently just a few years ago that nothing could rock us.
my dear, i suspect you're sliding around your own terror and grief at your daughter's diagnosis by focusing your anger and disappointment on your family. that's a much easier place to plop your emotions. that's not a negative judgment. i totally get it.
i think you need to let go of your expectations of your extended family. they haven't stepped up as you wanted in the past. they're unlikely to now. if they show up at the 11th hour? well, better late than never. circle the wagons of your immediate family, and keep bringing your focus back there. that's where your energy is needed, and you don't want it depleted by getting on the hamster wheel of chewing on resentments outside your immediate circle.
you won't change them.
prayers and energy going out to you all.
khairete
S.
People do not know how to act or what to say so they say nothing. It does not mean they do it care. Been there. I am sorry your daughter and your family are going thru this. Try to be patient with them. They will come around. There are those that can jump in and help in every way possible. Then there are some folks who become paralyzed with fear. If it happened to you, it could happen to them.
Your family might be in as much shock as you and they do not know how to process this diagnosis.
Contact the American Cancer Society and have them place you with a person or family who has gone through this type of cancer. You can ask them all kinds of questions and they will answer you as honestly as possible.
Take a deep breath, count to 10, and prepare an action list of what to do and what you want done while in surgery or away from home. Let all your immediate family members know what is to be done so that they can pitch in and help.
When one person in the family has cancer the whole immediate family has cancer. It changes everyone. Priorities in life will change and so will the person who is going through the procedure(s). There will be crying, shouting and wanting to run away but it is all part of the process. Ask me how I know, a cancer survivor of 18 years. I am also a member of the Reach to Recovery group locally. Be positive and be strong and you will get through this. The person with the diagnosis has to "want" to do the things that are suggested for recovery in order for recovery to work.
In the meantime, lean on your friends and associates for strength. If you have a church or religious affiliation, contact them and they will give your support as well.
Let go of the anger toward the family as that does not help anyone especially you. Take care of yourselves emotionally and physically while tending to your daughter.
My best to you and yours.
the other S.
PS It would have been nice to have your mother and brothers say something to you to acknowledge the situation but it didn't happen. You can't control people or their actions only yours. Keep us posted.
I was thinking exactly what Patty K wrote. Sometimes people don't know what to say, so they say nothing.
And Grandma knows how to be Nanny McPhee, so that's what she's doing. She has no idea what to say to a 19 year old with cancer so she didn't ask to talk to her.
I understand why it hurts that no one is stepping up, I really do. But unless past history tells you that this is on purpose, I think you should assume that they are not trying to let you down, they just feel helpless. And if you need something from them - ask. Just say - on daughter's surgery day, any chance someone over there could make us dinner because I don't think I'll be able to pull myself together to do it.
I hope everything goes ok for your daughter.
I am really sorry about your daughter. I can't imagine how hard that must be.
I think (from past posts) that your family hasn't really been what you had hoped. So this isn't really a switch I take it. That's unfortunate.
I think too add in cancer, and people don't know how to respond.
What I found has helped with my in-laws (who are a bit dense at times) is to be very specific. I will actually say "We would like it if you could ..... that would be great.".
Could you say that to your mom? Could you say "Daughter would love a call from you with a few words of encouragement - it would mean a lot to both of us". What do you have to lose? I would go for it.
If you don't feel you can ask her to do that ... then I'd just let it go. Focus on your family and daughter. Don't let this hurt/disappointment add to the pain of what you're going through. I know, easier said than done - but they obviously don't know what to do (I would say that, rather than don't care).
Hoping your daughter's treatment goes well and hang in there :) rely on those good friends of yours.
First off, I am so sorry about your daughter, that has to be the most devastating thing. I'm sending positive thoughts your way!
Re the family...
based on what you've shared here on this site, you don't seem very close to them. Your questions basically complain about how people (your mother, your friends, your husband) don't measure up to your expectations.
Maybe you are driving people away with your attitude?
Either that, or they simply don't know what to say or how to react, some people withdraw and disengage completely when faced with possibly fatal news.
Not knowing them I can't really say or judge.
As someone who hasn't been able to count on my blood family for years I know that your REAL family is the one you make and choose, so stop focusing on people who continually let you down, that's just not a smart way to live, unless you enjoy a never ending self pity party :-(
I'm so very sorry. I cannot imagine how you feel, hearing this diagnosis.
Your family probably cannot process this, doesn't know what to say, and has withdrawn. It is NOT "too wrapped up in hostessing". If that were the case, your mother wouldn't have seen your daughter for 19 years and you would not be "family".
And really, M., it hasn't been two weeks. It has been two days you're talking about here. Some people can't manage this information as quickly as others.
You need to decide which way you want this to go. You are straddling a fence and don't even realize it. Either you want them, or you don't. You say they'll show up at the 11th hour for her surgery and that you don't want that, but you are fussing that they aren't coming over now. Stop fussing. Decide. Call them up and tell them what your time frame is going to be. Tell them that they need to come see your daughter before "x" time. Tell them that after that your daughter will not be available. Tell them what support you need. You need to decide what that is. Do you need meals? Do you need transport? Do you need babysitting? Decide and tell them.
Some people are USELESS in a crisis. Accept that. Those are the WORST people to just hope will come through. Instead of getting your feelings hurt, tell them that they need to come see her and stop ignoring the truth of the cancer. Tell them that you expect it of them and they just need to do it. And DON'T say this anywhere near your daughter.
Remember, this isn't for you. This is for your daughter. Put yourself aside here.
I"m so sorry about your daughter's diagnosis but also hope that she will get great treatment and support from her doctors. With a patient so young, they are going to be aggressive, and the key thing is for you to be there, being positive with and for her. Keep the focus on her, not on your family or what they have or haven't done, now or in the past, and it sounds like it's a sad past between you and them.
Patty K. has a very good perspective to share below. Please re-read her post. Many, many people are so fearful of cancer that they unthinkingly tell themselves things like "I'd only be in the way if I went over" or "Granddaughter/niece probably doesn't want people to make a fuss about it, that would make her feel worse" and so on. It's a mechanism for pushing the bad news away because it scares them. Is it right or fair or kind or compassionate? No. Is it, sadly, normal and human? Yes.
It sounds as if there is other longtime baggage in your own relationship with your mother and brothers, from the way you write about them in your post. So is it possible that your own history with them is making this feel even worse to you? If they have always tended to keep to themselves; if they have, before this, tended to visit and not tell you they're coming and act like a "little trinity" that excludes your family; if your mom has, before this, focused more on these younger grandkids than on your child -- then there was a pattern of that long before this diagnosis, and sometimes even a diagnosis like this does not shake old and deep patterns. They won't change just because of this news, not necessarily, or at least not at first. I know, old patterns are not an excuse. But they are an explanation, and you can't expect them to suddenly change who they are, even in these circumstances, unfortunately.
I'd be much more explicit with them and say, "Hey, Daughter has a cancer diagnosis and this is tough on her and on me. I was disappointed no one got in touch with her when I told you about it, but if you were just concerned about upsetting her, don't be. She would really value a call from you right now, so please call her. Here is her cell number (or e-mail address)." Then leave the ball in their court. You will soon have enough to think about with helping your daughter get to treatments, etc.
Sometimes people need to be asked very directly to do things, including things you would hope they'd do without being asked.
Also, please encourage her strongly to reach out to her friends her own age and see them and do things with them. At her age, her peer group really is important to her, possibly more important than family, so be sure she doesn't withdraw from friends or classmates if she's in school etc. And please don't say anything to her about your family not seeming to care -- they may care but might be paralyzed (good word from Patty's post) or if they're just truly jerks, well, she doesn't need to hear it. Her energy has to go toward recovering.
Holy cow.
I'm SO sorry for what your daughter is going through.
I can't even imagine...
You already know that when the rubber hits the road, you DO find out who your true friends are. I'm sorry your family is acting this way. It truly is inexcusable. See it for what it is. True colors.
IF the swoop in before the 2nd surgery? Be civil and let your daughter soak up the support (don't deny her that--but you already see it for what it is).
After everything calms down? I would probably be very inclined to write off these family members for good. AND I would probably let them know it's due to their behavior in a time of extreme crisis.
So horribly sad that you're not getting support from your own family right now.
BUT cream always rises to the top and those that stick close by your side in this tough time will probably always be there for you.
Prayers for your daughter!
I know you are hurt and disappointed with your family. You have every right to be. However, the word Cancer scares people especially when it is diagnosed in a young person, like your daughter. They don't know how to act or what to say. So, they do nothing.
Give your daughter all the love and support she needs. You and your husband need to pull together and not apart. It is so easy to forget and get so focused on the illness that others slide through the cracks. If you have other kids, please love on them. Everyone in your family has cancer, not just your daughter. Don't forget about them. They are scared for their sister.
Family disappoints. Been there have the t-shirt. Don't do that to your kids.
I'm so sorry for your daughter. There are so many new treatments and options. May you and your family find strength and love during this trying time.
I'm sorry to hear about your daughter's diagnosis, and I'm glad she has you her immediate family and friends for support.
It sounds as though you've experienced disappointment in the past, from your mother and brothers, and that basically, although this situation is more serious than past situations, their behavior is pretty typical.
You're right, a crisis often lets you know who you can count on, but I think a crisis also helps in another way. Just like if your house was on fire, and you had just minutes to get out, you'd choose what is truly important (I mean after making sure your family was safe) to save. That tv that you hung so carefully on the wall and enjoy watching so much? All of a sudden, it's meaningless. You take the precious photo album, or your grandmother's Bible, or your mom's cookbook, or a hand-knitted blanket or whatever it is that you love. Everything else can seem so silly or trivial or replaceable.
In much the same way, when someone is seriously ill, we often figure out - really quickly - what matters and what doesn't. You know your family is distant. You know you haven't been able to depend on them. And you have every right to be angry and disappointed and hurt.
But, I encourage you to let go of that. Your daughter needs you now. She needs strength and peace and comfort. If you expend any energy towards your disappointing family, it will distract you from helping your daughter. It's like the meaningless stuff you leave behind in the fire. It won't help her to have any anger in the house. If she asks where grandma is, tell her honestly that you're not sure, and help her focus on her friends and her sources of real strength.
Sure, it makes no sense. Sadly, I can understand. I finally shared with my brother (who is a very cruel person, and a person with whom I have very little contact) the extent of my daughter's medical diagnoses. I needed to get any pertinent medical history from him, because the doctors were asking about certain possible genetic issues. So I had to tell him how seriously ill my daughter is. His reply was this: "Oh. Tell her we said 'hey'." That was it. I shared from my heart, and it was obvious how much in despair I was.
I can't imagine being told that a relative is so ill and not offering to help. I'd probably make myself a nuisance, bringing food every day and bugging you! But there are selfish people, ignorant people, uncaring people, thoughtless people, cruel people, ambivalent people, clueless people, and unfortunately they all have to be related to someone.
Please stay polite, focus on your daughter, be kind to your husband and yourself, be grateful for your friends, and don't lose your precious energy and spirit by dwelling on these cruel people. If they come, it will be your decision whether to let them into your house, but kindness is generally a better decision than returning cruelty for cruelty.
I am so sorry that this is happening to your daughter and your family.
Is this usual behaviour for your family? Have they always treated you poorly? Could it be that they don't really know what they should be doing? I'm trying to put myself in that position, if my brother were to call and tell me that news. Would I say "Is there anything I can do, can I come see her?" or would I say "Maybe now isn't the time to bother them, I'll give them some time to themselves." I'm not really sure I would know what to do. Could they be waiting for you to tell them what you want? Could you call and say "Mom, I think she would like to see you and I think I could use a hand around here?" I truly hope that this is a case of your family feeling helpless and not knowing what to do rather than abandoning you when you need them.
Lock the door if they show up for a "visit". I would be so unforgiving of them if they did this to my daughter.
I am so sorry. If it helps any, I care.
Take care of yourself and all my best wishes that your daughter is able to overcome this.
I can't imagine that a grandparent wouldn't be devastated by this news. Maybe your mother has a hard time showing emotions.
I know that my friends have been more of my "family" than my own family has been. So I rely on them in times of need.
I'm so sorry your family is going through this. Hugs to your precious daughter.
I agree with Fuzzy. I think that sometimes people don't know what to say so they say nothing. I know it hurts though because I've gotten similar responses from my family over other issues. You have your hands full right now. Surround yourself with the support that you do have. You do not have time to waste the energy on the others. So sorry. Stay strong.
I will be praying for you both.
I am so sorry you are going through this and i hope your daughter is able to recover just fine from all of this.
With much love, i say to you, if they were jerks before why would you expect this to change them into thoughtful loving people? They are never going to become sensitive and loving and socially well adjusted. infact a big and important time like this is just going to highlight their inability to deal.
all i can say is spell out what you want from them, "please call jane and tell her you are hoping her surgery goes well." Please watch sibling so i can foucs on jane" It would be very helpful if you could bring me some bread and lunch meat as i want to be with jane during her chemo. It won't guarenttee they will be able to actually support you like you asked but its worth a shot.
Lastly cherish your friends, because family isnt' only blood, it is being there and knowing how to love and support.
Best to your whole family
I am so sorry to hear that all of you are going through this. It is difficult for everyone. It is unfortunate that your family is not there to be by your side or your daughters side. I am sure you could both use the support.
You can't predict the reactions of others. You have shared the news with them and I am sure you let them know the door is open. Now you just have to take care of yourself so you can take care of your daughter. She needs your support and will feel the negative energy. Move on and enjoy your time with your daughter. Don't waste any of your precious time worrying over other people.
I am so sorry your daughter and your family are facing this diagnosis. I can relate to your anger although I can promise you it won't do you or your daughter any good. Some people just suck in times of crisis. I'm truly sorry your family isn't giving you the support you need.
Healing thoughts and prayers to your daughter.
I lost 2 family members to illness. Sick for a long time, get better and then worse cycles. Unfortunately, for some extended family, it was easier to just go on with life than bother to acknowledge it. Most did not even bother to call to see how things were going. how is he doing? Of course, after we lost them, they had plenty of criticisms to spew.
Honestly, I do find that for some people, it is easier to ignore the elephant in the room (or in life) than talk about it. It might be easier to handle for them---though it is still inexcusable. For me, if they came over, I might entertain them for a few minutes and then tell them she needs her rest so please leave and we'll talk to ya later. You also need your strength to help your daughter. I hope your daughter gets well and fully recovers and I am glad that you have your friends around you for support.
It's hard for others. They are so worried they'll say something inconsiderate and offensive they just stay away. I did this with my aunt and I did it with a friends mother who I was also friends with and had worked with her independently.
My mother in law passed from cancer a few years ago and I saw similar things going on with her. People are just afraid, it starts them thinking about what if they were in the same position, what if it was their child, what if it was them, then they face their own mortality in a slap you in the face sort of situation.
People have a hard time coping.
Please focus on your daughter and work on providing her a positive environment.
If you want to confront your family do it there, at their place and by yourself. Let them have it and blast them. But get it out of your system and then be done with it.
