Cancer Diagnosis: Helping a 3 Year Understand Cancer

A 3 year wont understand caner, most adults have a hard time with it. My kids were 9, 7 and 6 when my Dad died last year from cancer, he went very fast we just told them pop pop is sick and we said he had cancer but you can't explain it to a child and have them understand.

I'm going to answer from a completely different point of view. The day before my son's second birthday, I was diagnosed with Stage IIA Hodgkins Lymphoma. Our daughter was 10.5 weeks old.

What kind of lymphoma does she have? I can help put you in touch with phenomenal resources for your mother through my connections. DO NOT accept 1 physician's opinion as the only way to treat her. I saw 3 lymphoma experts (including my own oncologist at Indiana University where Lance Armstrong was treated) before I chose how I was going to proceed. I went against my own Oncologist's recommendations for radiation after chemo.

Kids are FAR more understanding and accepting of cancer than you would expect. I lost 90% of my hair during treatment. I wore a wig to work because it made me feel better, but I hated it. I took it off as soon as I got home and went natural. We have 20 kids on the street, most were 10 and younger, no one ever asked me about it.

Losing your hair to chemo is devastating. Some women handle it better than others. I didn't handle it well because I suppressed all my other fears, worries, etc. into my hair loss.

I have 2 friends who have been diagnosed with stage IV lymphoma who would likely be happy to talk to her. One is a physician in her 50's who was a customer of mine and now a close friend. She's recently undergone a stem cell transplant for her recurrence and is doing really well.

Please send me a private message if you'd like more information. I really can help get you connected with people, organizations, oncologists, information in a quick way.

One recommendation for your mother is Imerman Angels, a non-profit organization that matches cancer fighters with survivors to help them through the process (Free).

Be HONEST with your daughter. Don't try to use analogies or books. Just be honest that grandma is really sick. The doctors are giving her really powerful medicines that will make her hair fall out so she can get better. Answer her questions honestly, let her go to treatments so she can understand better (my kids came to several chemo appointments with me). Having a child there really lifts the spirits of all the people receiving treatment.

I could go on and on and on.
Best wishes to your mom. Let me know if there's anything I can do to help.

Oh, and I'm almost 2 years cancer free - though, that could change any day.

I am so sorry you! My mother is a non-hodgkin's lymphoma survivor and has been now for 15+ years, so there is hope.

Your daughter will not understand really at all. You can't really prepare her for 'what if's', just explain things in a way she understands. i would tell her that grandma is sick and that is why her hair is not there. Tell her g'ma might be tired. She will be insensiitve ('g'ma, you're bald!), but that is what 3yo's do. If you are a person of faith, I would pray with your daughter that God makes g'ma better and that he be with both of you.

I really wish you the very best. I know how difficult this can be on a family and my prayers are with you.

Be honest with your daughter, but keep it at the level that she can understand. I wonder if you could go to the library and find childrens books that deal with cancer in a loved ones' life? I Have never heard of one in particular but surely someone wise and wonderful has written a book!!
You are not going to be able to manage how your child relates to the loss of hair that your Mother has experienced. You could explain to her that some of the medicine that Grandma is taking to get rid of the bad cells in her body are making her hair fall out. Then maybe the three of you could talk about what her hair might look like when it grows back!!! Take her out to help pick out a pretty scarf or hat for Grandma to wear...get her involved.
Now is a wonderful opportunity to teach her empathy and understanding about being kind and caring to people we love.
Don't tell her that everything is going to be "okay"...because, as you probably know, with Stage 4 Lymphoma, the long term prognosis is not usually very good. Let her questions and comments guide your discussion...don't give her too much information at once. Let her know that it is ok to be sad or upset about this....don't try to deny your own feelings about this situation...she will be watching you and using you as a guide as she learns to deal with her own feelings.
Spend this time helping her make memories of life with her Grandma. Let them spend lots of time together...doing whatever your Mom feels like doing with her grand daughter. Take tons of pictures, let them read books together, give them every chance to enjoy each other and love each other.
My own Mother died of Ovarian Cancer about 10 years ago...all three of our daughters were young adults by this time...so we didn't have to deal with young children and their reactions...but each of them had their own way of dealing with the illness and loss of this very important woman in their lives.
If you need support and a shoulder to lean on as you walk through this journey with your Mother I would be happy to visit with you anytime you want to. Just message me and I will help in anyway that I can.
You, your Mother and your daughter will all be in my prayers.
R. Ann

My sister was diagnosed with Stage 4 colon cancer when my daughter was 2. Really, she barely noticed the changes in my sister’s appearance. She probably had a bigger time understanding my emotions as my sister struggled and eventually lost her battle last year. Children are remarkably resilient early on. Now, at six, she has a much better grasp and will ask me questions from time to time. Be honest, prepare for the worst and pray for the best. My best to your family during this time.
Cancer sucks!

At 3, your daughter isn't able to understand cancer. I'm 65, and a 7 year survivor of cancer and am not sure I understand it either. I agree with the way KansasMom described how to talk with her. At 3 she doesn't need very much info. What you do tell her does need to be the truth put in words she will understand. At 3 she doesn't understand death, either. I wouldn't focus on your mom's illness in a negative way except to explain the things that are happening to her. Give her bits of information as needed, answer her questions as best as you can on a 3 yo level.

I was fortunate. My cancer, when caught in time, rarely causes death. It was very slow growing. It was a carcinoid tumor in my lung and surgery removed one lobe of my lung. I don't feel any difference in my breathing capacity. Lungs expand to meet ones needs.

My granddaughter was around the age of 3. We didn't tell her it was cancer. We told her it was a glob of something growing in my lung that had to come out. The only negative effect for me was I couldn't pick her up for 6 or so weeks. Grandma's getting well and will be able to pick you up in a few weeks was all that we needed to explain that.

So my experience is very different from yours but at the same time I think I learned that it's best to be simple in using words when talking with little ones and to be careful to not increase their anxiety even when we're so anxious. It took several weeks to determine what kind of growth I had after seeing the spot on my lung. We didn't share any of that with my granddaughter.

I'm not sure that she even needs to know that Grandma might or will die. When she is too weak to get out of bed and perhaps unable to play with your daughter might be the time to tell her that Grandma is very ill and will be going to Heaven one of these days. Use whatever words that relay your belief. Tell her what is happening that she can see happening as it happens. At 3 she isn't able to plan or think ahead. This is the time to teach compassion for everyone involved and to deal with this day by day.

She doesn't need to understand. I would go for acceptance. This is the way it is and this is what we do. The idea of helping shop for a scarf or hat is great.

I wish I had more to offer...I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

There are some books written for children explaining cancer and cancer treatment side effects. I can't remember the title of one that I was told about when i was diagnosed but you could google it and I'm sure you'd find it. It was something like "Talking to Kids About Cancer" Treehouse. It has animals that are talking about cancer. I read it and it's been a while but I do remember thinking that it would be very helpful for children.
I wish your family all the best.

I remember when I was a little girl my grandpa, who was my best friend at the time, had cancer. But my whole family kept telling me that he was sick because the doctors gave him the wrong medicine and that he would be better in no time. But 2 months after they told me that, he passed away. It only hurt me even more to find out that way. So if you arnt telling your 3 year old the whole story, please do. And if she still doesn't understand, she may be too little to comprehend death and cancer. Wait till she's five if so