Car Pool Frustrations

I like Rebecca's suggestion. Finish out this year like that, then next year drive your own daughter, hire a teen to help your son get off the bus and watch him until you get home.

From now on when her daughter tries anything in the car, pull over. Tell her it is too dangerous for her to be acting like that while you are trying to negotiate 95.
When she is calm then start moving. Pull over again when she starts back up, then tell the mother what you had to do.

Tell the other mom that 8:30 is too late for your daughter because she has homework and needs time to unwind, etc. Tell her you sympathize with her need to get 2 groups of kids but it's not working at your end. Tell her you sympathize with her need to change plans, but 10 PM the night before doesn't give you enough time to make all new arrangements on your end. Take the approach that both families have something in common, which is various kids who need to be different places at different times.

You could ask her if she wants to stick to the original agreement, or if it's easier for her to just handle her own kids and you will handle yours. No more of you driving her kids per the agreement but her not driving yours. I'd take the approach that it seems it would be easier to shelve the original plan since it's not working. Just don't let her convince you to take her kids if she's not taking yours. If she leaves her younger daughter at dance until the older one is done, that's her problem and her decision.

I agree that you pull your car over until the girl lowers her voice. Tell her it's dangerous to distract the driver and you value everyone's safety. That's the rule in your car. Or - if you get rid of the carpool agreement, you're done with this girl. Either way, it works! If you make one more trip and she's not behaving, then end the agreement. I wouldn't tell the other mom it's because her kid is out of control. It sounds like that whole family is out of control. The younger child is probably resentful of having her sister get picked up by mom while she rides with a neighbor, and is trying to get attention (negative attention being better than no attention at all). She may also be reacting to too much structure (for her age and maturity level) in the dance class, and then she's cutting loose in the car.

No one can take advantage of you without your permission. So it's time to stop being so nice to someone who isn't reciprocating and focus on your own family.

Good luck!

Here's what we do. My granddaughter gets out of school at 3:15 and has to be at either dance or gymnastics by 4, dressed appropriately, 3 days per week.

She has 10 minutes to decide what she wants to have for snack, her clothes are already picked out, her dance bag is ready too. All she had to do is switch out her clothes and walk out the door. She takes her backpack with her and if she is out of class waiting she is to start her homework. She only has 1 worksheet one or two days per week.

She is always done in a few minutes. At 8 or even 9 they should NOT have too much homework. No more than a few minutes per day.

8:30 is not a very late night one time per week for the next few weeks. We are seldom home before 8:45 or even sometimes 9 on Wednesdays. I work in the clothing store that day and if I have a customer come in right at the last minute I have to stay.

Dinner on those late evenings is something out of a can or microwavable. I can't see coming home and making the kids stay up late so I can cook a meal. I don't go off and leave appliances on so crock pot stuff is out, plus she doesn't eat stuff like that.

You obviously have some choices to make. We have kids that car pool from a nearby town and come to dance one evening per week and to gymnastics on evening per week.

They switch off too. The mom's do different nights. Their gymnastics are on Monday's at 4 and dance is Wednesday at 6:30. The mom that works can easily do the Wednesday evening and the other mom can do the early class.

It is equitable. What you guys are doing is equitable. There must be some reason she isn't wanting to add a 20-30 minute drive to her schedule on her evenings. It is sort of like she is using double gasoline and time.

So this is what I'd do.

Inform the dance teacher that your daughter will NOT be available until after 5:30, or 6 if you want to have a few minutes at home. And tell her could she please see if there is a different class your daughter can be in because she is not going to be able to attend at 5pm anymore.

Problem solved.

You just have to decide that this is going to be okay and work with it. She is at the studio and she can start her homework while she is sitting there. She can even take some snacks with her and go to the back room and eat something.

If you decide to keep things the way they are until next year, have your daughter take her homework with her to dance and pack her a good snack. Then, in between her class and waiting for ther older girl she can have a snack and get at least some of her homework done. I know it is a great inconvienance but at least she can get something accomplished during the wait. Because of our busy schedules with sports, school, ect, my kids have school supplies in the car and sometimes do their homework on the way home from school, on the way to practices and one will be doing their homework and the other ones practice if need be. Not the idealistic way to get things done but it works! GOOD LUCK!

I would keep things the same on Thursdays.

On Mondays have her take both girls to dance and just and pick up your daughter at 6:30 after tonight. You don't say what time your boys get done with practice but if its before 8 then swing by and pick her up on your way home.

That way they are able to get there on time, you still only have to leave work early one day a week, your son has some one to get him off of the bus and your daughter wont have to stay so late.

There is no need to talk to the other mom about it and if she asks why you are picking her up just tell her that 8-8:30 is too late for your daughter to be getting home. Hopefully she will figure it out.

The nice way would be for you to get a different driving option. It is not working out for you just tell her that. Or start packing a snack for your daughter to have after or before dance. It sounds to me like you have yourself over scheduled. maybe make dance class on saturdays next year now that your working. or set up a different mom to car pool with. If her other kid dances til 8 I don't blame her for not wanting to waste the gas and driving time to drive 15 minutes each way just to get your daughter home early. your daughter could be doing her homework and eating a pbj sandwhich which you could pack ahead of time. it just sounds like its not working for you I would drop the deal.

Hi, Mom:
You need to sit down and discuss with her the current arrangement is
not working for you.

See if you both can agree to other options that will be convenient for both of you.
Good luck.
D.