Challenging 6 Year Old Daughter

I agree with the others that she needs to be evaluated for sensory processing and I will add that she needs help developing her executive function skills. We just went through the eval. with my almost 6 year old and will start OT this month. It's very hard some days. By the time dinner rolls around some days I lock myself in my room for a 20 minute breather because it's constant with him. Here is a link to get started on the executive function stuff. http://www.childmind.org/en/posts/articles/2012-8-20-help...

You may have an ultra sensitive child on your hands. For my daughters I cut off tags and searched for socks that were not too tight on the top, etc. There is a book I used for my kids since it applied to them. When I asked our pediatrician when she was still a baby she described it tactfully that some kids are more "dramatic" than others, but when I found this book it just matched her perfectly.

http://www.amazon.com/Highly-Sensitive-Child-Children-Ove...

There are other books that might match you child better. I would search in Amazon.com under books for titles with "the strong willed child" and many will come up. Then read the descriptions and reviews and decide if it "hits home". I would then check your library for the titles you liked.

http://www.amazon.com/Raising-Your-Spirited-Child-Percept...?

http://www.amazon.com/Parenting-Your-Powerful-Child-Bring...

With my DD, I try to find out what bothers her. My sks would rip tags out of everything. They couldn't stand them. My DD only likes certain kinds of socks and I rarely if ever buy shoes without her trying them. If my DD wants to wear the same thing all week, I just try to make sure it's clean.

If she likes to do things she can do well right away, perhaps try some things where there's no "right" way.

The bossing thing is age and birth order. My DD and her eldest child friend butt heads when they both want it to be their way. You can talk to her about taking turns...and with him about not being railroaded into just what she wants.

I was that child. I have just one child (thankfully) just like it. And even though many yrs have passed...It is still a challenge. Discipline was only once pc to this puzzle though. Being strong-willed could be "just" discipline or it could be something else like sensory...in which a child still needs discipline and other interventions...

With that being said, I was an elem school teacher. I am also certified in special ed. I went on and became a certified parent educator. Yrs ago, I spoke in front of audiences and discussed Parenting/Sensory/Sibling issues, etc...

From what I read above, your child is experiencing sensory issues w/ her clothes and social skills. Kids with sensory (when little like your child) have no way to understand s/he is experiencing. This is when the parent needs to be the child's advocate and get involved asap. Why? Because her daily life activities are being affected. (See below about the cleaners, too).

Sensory processing is a neurological inefficiency where the brain and the central nervous system get "jammed." When that happens, the child feels like "a disaster" but, has no way of communicating this. You might even see days when your child is in sync and you hope she "will grow out of it".
Dr. Ayres first introduced sensory back in the 60's.

With all the kids who have autism now...Sensory is very well known about.

I had sensory. It's not new. Nobody helped me when I was a kid. I remember to this day...I looked up at the ceiling in my Kindergarten classroom and said, "I can't do this school thing." I was labeled shy in school. I was a bear at home. When I was 9, I ate my way through the days. I became obese and was bullied horribly. I can't blame my Mom...She didn't know and she liked to see me eat.

I just did a consult w/ a parent last week. I told the Mom everything I needed to say and then told her that even if her child had no diagnosis...She could take a load of bricks off her shoulders and work on the discipline.

What can you do? Seek out a developmental pediatrician. They know about autism and kids w/ autism have sensory. I do not have autism. My child does not have autism...But, we both have sensory. Also, find an occupational therapist who has training and is SENSITIVE to sensory processing. I say this because I brought my child to an OT was did not have the extra training in sensory and I knew more than she did.

Books are great, but, intervention for your child (if it is needed...is action under the guidance of a professional).

Sensory is like a hidden disorder and often unexplainable by the parent. It's not very well understood. It could overlap w/ allergies, ADHD, ADD, anxiety...Sometimes not.

I had to pull my child out of one school and put her in a school where she could chew gum. She needed the input from the jaw. Every time I called a PPT, I made sure my child got the intervention she needed.

One parent I worked with did not need to do OT intervention w/ her child...I told her to change her laundry detergent to Seventh Generation and her cleaners to green cleaners...even the bar soap... and her child "felt" better. The child was allergic to all the household toxins. The Mom donated the toxic cleaners, the candles, food dyes, most junk food, sodas, etc...to friends who wanted them.

I would take her for an evaluation and see. If it is sensory, occupational therapy is fun. And it helps soooo much !

I hope this helps ! I do OT at home every day of my life to stay in sync.
Kristen

my younger son didn't have the sensory issues, but he was a bear for wanting to be perfect out of the gate. it got to where i dreaded trying something for the first time- skiing, ice skating, a new homeschool group, even something as low-key as a pick-up basketball game. i'm still not 100% clear on whether it was wanting to be the best or fear of ridicule that made him so angry if he didn't immediately master something, but no amount of patience and reason seemed to work. i suspect there was more behind the scenes teasing going on at his elementary school than i was aware of when he was small, before we homeschooled. he was a chubby little guy and he hung out with the little jocks.
he grew out of it (finally) in his teens. we never really figured out a way to counter it. we just tried to keep it positive, to let him be when he was in a stew, and to remind him when he was calm of what his many accomplishments were. i'd love to give you a magic bullet, but we kind of had to accept that he was wired that way and work within that framework.
i think HE finally got tired of the rollercoaster, and corrected it himself with a rather admirable application of Will.
it may help to try and steer clear of her own assessment of herself, ie don't think of her or call her a 'negative' child. she's already got her own discomfort to deal with, so it's important not to reinforce her predisposition to be accepting of life, KWIM?
khairete
S.

It sounds like her personality is similar to my son's (age 9). He is such a challenge. I actually have him seeing a therapist now. We just started this and it does seem to be helping some. Not a ton. It really just is his personality. I try not to feed into his negative behavior...I try to give him very little attention for it. I try not to argue back or engage when he is in that kind of mood. Later, when he is calm we try to talk to him about it. He hates talking about it though...he always says we are making him feel bad. He also hates doing new things because he does not like doing something if he is not good at it. This has been a real problem with 4th grade homework this year. Unfortunately he happened to get the one teacher who gives a LOT of homework. It has been a very difficult year. I like Suz. T's answer below...hopefully our son will mature and outgrow this one day.

As far as her clothes, it truly may be uncomfortable to her.

She may have some sensory issues with clothing..... is it certain types of fabrics? Is it the tag that is bothering her?

Start watching what she DOES want to wear, and try to choose clothing with that type of material or that type of fit.

This concern resonated with me, and I loved suz t's response. I have a 6 year son who is the same. We, as a family, went to the roller rink yesterday for the first time, and I kind of knew how it would end up. He couldn't immediately zoom around the rink so, even though he was amazing for a first time skater, and we started with a lesson, he was not impressed and let it be known. Complaining ,whining, and eventually a meltdown. We also deal with sensitivities to tags, sweaters, switching from long pants to shorts, or short sleeves to long sleeves, types of shoes, types of socks, etc.
Actually typing that out I realize just how sensitive he is. I think the advice you received on reading about sensitive children is a good one. I need to get that book too. Trying new things, especially sports, is a hang up for us too. However, we have discovered that art, music, and an interest in dance are things he really likes, and this has helped us in finding positive experiences that lead to successes. We worry about his self esteem and about him being too hard on himself. If he ends up in therapy, this is what I will want them to work with him on. Positive self talk, and accepting errors.
We bought a simple book called beautiful oops! And this phrase and concept is something we now try to incorporate into conversations...as well as the importance of trying and not giving up. Best of luck, as maturity is probably the only real answer, along with patience and education on the parents part.

Hi, My2:

I can understand your dilemma. Children learn what they see. How is your relationship with your husband?

Do you boss your husband around?

Do you give your daughter choices?

Yes, I have a lot of experiences working with difficult children and adults.

Good luck.
D.

I agree you don't allow her to treat her brother that way without consequences. My son is very laid back and my daughter is the opposite. She is the oldest by 4 years. She was very bossy when she was younger and I corrected her EVERY time. My son would do whatever she said because it was no big deal to him and he wanted her to play with him. As he grew he heard me say to her that's not playing nicely and you're not going to treat him like that. Eventually he developed enough where he would say, if you're going to treat me like that, I'll play by myself and meant it. It was good for him and her. She has grown and learned and is not like that at all (almost 14). But it takes correction every time. Once when we were visiting friends and the oldest daughter started ordering how everyone was going to play she decided she didn't like it at all. I pointed out to her that was the reason I corrected her. I wanted her to be able to give and take. It is important to learn. ESPECIALLY at home. My kids know if they aren't behaving at home, they don't get to go anywhere. Their most important relationships are at home. If they can't treat each other well, I can't trust them to go out to other peoples homes and expect them to behave. Please foster a good relationship between your kids. There are too many relationships like S.H. described. Parents are to provide a safe haven and good environment for their kids. ALL of them.

My kids are very close now at 10 and 14. I love their relationship and I know they will be there for each other as adults.

My friend I spoke of earlier allows her kids to be awful to each other. There is enough animosity between two of her kids that they each told a counselor individually they don't like each other. That is so very sad to me. She thought they needed to handle it themselves and even said she and her sisters fight a lot. I have one brother and one sister. I can tell you if any of us needed anything we would be there for each other. I knew I wanted my kids to feel the same way about each other. Family bonds are so important.

Blessings!
L.

Reading this, it was just so frustrating/irritating to me.
Why?
I have a sibling like that.
SO difficult. A difficult personality.
There is no one single thing, to change it.
And each individual is different.

All I know is, your child is still young, so you might want to get her into Therapy, to learn COPING skills etc.
Get her socialized, more and have her taught better coping skills and ways to manage herself.
Because, even as an adult, my sibling is so difficult.
And in personality.

BUT... sooner or later, when they get older and then become Adult age.... no one will cater to them or their personality or walk on eggshells for them or because of them nor put up with it... like a family might when they are a YOUNG child. Once older, there will be no excuse for it. People will not put up with it. AND once they start the real world and are employed etc., they will have to learn, how to get along and cope and be pleasant etc. There will be NO one, just making excuses for her (like a family would), once she gets older and becomes an Teen or College Kid or adult and saying "well she's just sensitive..." "Well she's just a perfectionist...." "Well she is just stubborn..." or "Well its just the oldest child syndrome..." etc.
No one, will cater to it or her. Like now. When she is older.
She needs to learn, how to cope, with herself.

So, because your child is still young... do something now, or get a Professional to HELP her, learn alternate skills of managing herself and of how to cope with things.
Not all oldest siblings are this way. My eldest child is not that way.
It is not birth order. That is an excuse. I know lots of eldest or only child kids, and they are not that way.
And being sooooo sensitive, well if it is a bona fide assessed and professionally evaluated condition, then get her assessed and helped that way, by a professional. AND if she is sensory sensitive, then get her help.
But if it is just her personality, she will also need to LEARN skills... to manage and cope.

And, the kid also has to learn, that they CANNOT treat others that way.
AND for your younger child that is getting treated that way and bossed by his older sibling, LOOK OUT for him too. Stand up, for him. TELL your daughter, she is being MEAN or behaving wrongly and inappropriately.
TELL her. And hopefully... your son does not develop problems, because of his sister. Look out, for that.
Because let me tell you, it is NO fun, having a sibling like that and being treated like a doormat or being at the whims of the eldest child's moods.
HOPEFULLY, you are also teaching your youngest child, how to speak up for himself, to his older sibling etc.
If your daughter treats her little brother that way, you need to scold her.
Let her tantrum about it. It is not right.
I grew up with a sibling like that.
It is NO fun.
To this day, my memories of my sibling is not, pleasant.

Again, at a certain point, your daughter has to have professional help or be assessed, or if she is just a bossy controlling unpleasant personality, you have to, not let it control the household NOR her little brother.