Child Behavior

Well it looks like you got to experience the middle part of being a parent, cuz there is the first when they are babies and toddlers, the second mid-teens, and the third teenagers!!! so it's likely she is acting like a mi-teen, and of coarse she is probably mad at the world right now, poor thing, but it doesnt mean she has to disrespect you in that matter either,she has to realize that you are there to help and protect her, and I don't know the relationship of her father - doeas she see him?- if not maybe she needs to start visiting and spending time one on one with him, she may be acting out on alot of things she went through while she was with her mom. I currently am dealling with my brothers daughter - who lives with him and his "wife" - i say "wife" cuz they aint married but have been together 7 years, and i helpped him get custody of his 3 kids back in 2002, and man was it a battle, but we won! and now my niece is acting up, not doing well in school and all she thinks bout is getting married and having kids, she is only 8yrs., but she was starting to steal, lil things like a necklesfrom her step mom or candy from her bro. and sis. or just doesn't do what she is told to do, so all i could offer they was to sit and ask her what it is that she wants! when children act this way they are calling out for attention, and believe me they will do it in any matter, as long as they get their point out. but on the real, just talk to her, let her know how that makes you feel, and let her know that you are ther to hepl and grow with her, it's just you two, let her realize that you two could be spending "mother-daughter" time, like getting ya'lls nails done or a pedicure or just hanging out, biuld ya'lls relationship and let her know she really don't want to grow up that fast, it's her time to learn and plan for her future and you are there to help, but you can only do that if she allows you to trust her as well as her trust you, it's not her fault what her mother did, but she has a chance to live a better life with you and she does still have her father whom I'm sure would love to spend time with her, start by writting her a letter, and have her write back to you, sometimes a person better expresses themselves by writting, i hope the best for you and your family and know that GOD never gives us more than we can handle!

Your daughter is entering a hard age. When someone talks back (child or adult), they are really expressing anger, frustration, fear, or hurt. Try to get to the bottom of what's eating your child, and teach her to express it in other ways. When she talks back, the best thing to do is keep your composure. Don't overreact to your child's mouthing off or get into a power struggle over her choice of words or her tone. Yet don't ignore it either. The best way to teach her to speak respectfully is to do so yourself. So tell her, "I think you can find a better way to say that." A knee-jerk "Don't you talk to me that way, you little brat!," on the other hand, won't set a very good example, and will add to her frustration.
Showing your child that you respect yourself too much to be treated this way will both model respect and earn it.

Also, offer choices. If she has some say-so during the course of her day, she'll be less likely to feel the need to assert herself in offensive ways. So give her plenty of opportunities to make choices for herself. "Do you want pasta or chicken nuggets for dinner?" Be sure to offer acceptable choices, and respect the ones she makes. Don't give your child a choice between ice cream and fresh fruit for dessert if you know that you're really trying to steer her toward the fruit and that ice cream isn't a choice you can live with.

Draw the line. Make sure she understands what is, and isn't, okay to say. So if saying that something "blows" is verboten, or if you don't appreciate her responding to an earnest explanation with a sarcastic "Duh!" make that clear. It's vital to set limits and stick to them. If you don't, you're inviting defiance.

But most importantly, GET BEHIND THE BEHAVIOR. When your child verbally lashes out at you, let her know that you care about her feelings, even if you don't approve of the way she's expressing them. Acknowledging her emotions — "Boy, you sound really angry about this"— often takes the wind out of a child's sails, because it removes you from the adversarial role. If you can get past her tone, you can focus on the message she's trying to convey.

More often than not, though, you'll need to save the soul-searching sessions for later. It's best to work on the deeper issues involved well after tempers have cooled, so revisit the subject when you can hash it out in a more level-headed way. "I know you get angry when I ask you to pick up after yourself, but did you think that calling me 'stupid' would make me back off? What would work better next time?"

Just like any adult relationship, communication is very important. You have to teach this child how to respect you. Remember that respect earns respect, so you also need to take her feelings and thoughts into consideration if you want to earn her respect. Hang in there, parenting is hard but you are doing a great thing in helping to raise and love this child.

Sounds like she may need a child therapist/pschologist,
my daughter is 8 and acts like she is 16, she turns her-self
on/off, like for example, she is the sweetest thing to friends and teachers, then when my mom gets her (who babysits her while I am at work f/t) or I get her when I get home from work, she gives me fits, doesn't want to help, if she doesn't get her way she goes nuts, my child will start going to a child pschologist in September, I feel like there may be future problems if i don't do something now!

Dear TJ,

The book that has blessed our family the most regarding parenting & discipline is Tedd Tripp's "Shepherding a Child's Heart." We love how it goes past 'behavior modification' which can often by skin deep, and cuts to the heart (the attitudes) of the child.

Also, some great friends of ours are Christian Child Psychologists. They are wonderful people, and have helped many tremendously with parenting. I believe I've posted their info in the business listings - Tom & Jill Stevens.

I pray you find the help you need.
Blessings,
R.

Read every John Roseman book you can get your hands on. You have got some catching up to do. Good Luck

You and your mother are the adults and she needs to be reminded of that often!! When she back talks, stop her mid sentence and remind her that she is a child and while her opinion counts in some situations this is not one of those times.

For instance with the curling irons, after she made her comment, you should have told her, that's fine, go turn the irons off. I also think you should be cognizant of the things you and your mom and your husband discuss around her. She should not be privy to adult conversations, whether it is about bills, her mom's situation or whatever. Children really do have a place (and I know that sounds harsh) and right now that place is not as an adult.

Her behaviour is disrespectful and if you don't nip it in the bud now, when she is 15/16 it will only be worse.

Good Luck

I think the advice Jana gave below is perfect. My son is young, but about 7 years ago I was put in the awkward position of raising a nephew who was 7 at the time. I was single and had no children of my own then. It wasn't a permanent situation, but we seeked counseling and eventually got through the situation. The bulk of our counseling amounted to Jana's advice. I'm certain that your neice is feeling some amount of abandonment and is probably trying to control situations in order to feel more powerful. You may try reading some books on children and trauma if you can't get professional help right away. I hope this helps some. Please hang in there, and remember that while most parental figures of 10 year-olds have 10 years of practice at parenting, you're starting fresh. So give yourself some slack and realize that you will make mistakes. Being brave enough to own up to those mistakes will help your neice feel more comfortable owning up to her own mistakes.

I know where you're coming from, however, I went through the same thing with my biological daughter. I think its a preteen/teenager thing. I've had to seek professional help because I was really growing to dislike her. The lies and constant trying to make me feel like I'm imagining things were getting the best of me. The counselor helped me to learn how to communicate with her and vice versa. We kind of help each other through our tough "PMS" times now. Has she started her period yet? We are 80% better now since we've been going through counseling. My best advice to you is to seek professional counseling before you lose her forever. One of the main reason why I say this is related to her background. You'd be surprised to hear what she's feeling. Good luck.

Every one is right about taking care of the problem now before it gets worse. She has been with you three years now. Has she always been a discipline problem? Or is this something new? I have an 11 yr old and a 17 yr old. They have both tried to take control of what they want. And seemed to think they do not have to mind and that talking back is ok. My children are both christians. So I talked to them from a biblical perspective. I use scriptures from the bible regarding obedience & respect, not just towards ones parents but all our elders, whether we like them or not. And also regarding how they want to be treated. I put into motion one day an example of how they had tried treating me. I talked to them the way they had been talking to me. I did this for an entire day. No matter what, I did not give in for the whole day, I did not explain myself. I just treated them the way they had been treating me. They were very annoyed with me. The next day we sat and talked about the previous day. How did it make them feel to be disrespected? To be made to feel that what they had to say was unimportant, and that they were lower than the insects that we step on each day!! You must remember I used my bible as my reference point. It tells us, what we must do as children to live long and prosperous lives. All the answers you need are in your bible. Since that day, all I have to do is say who is the adult? Who makes the rules? And who is responsible for following the rules? They may not always like the rules, but they understand the rules and respect are there because I love them. This is how I protect them. You must lay down ground rules with your niece. When she breaks a rule provide her with the proper discipline. The word discipline does not mean punishment. To discipline someone is to mentor or train them in the proper way to be or act or to do something. You have a great opportunity to show your neice what real love is. She is probably confused what real love is. She will probably also reject anything you try to do at first. But whatever you do, do not give up. This precious life needs you. And what you don't know is you probably need her too. God has placed her in your hands for a reason. You & your husband and your mother have your work cut out for you. Show her how you want to be treated by always making sure that you all are treating others in the same manner in which you want to be treated. Set the example. I believe there are times when children need to be in professional counseling but I believe you need to be very cautious when choosing a counselor. I do not know what your religious background is, but If you have a church that you are involved in you might find that one of your pastors is well suited to help you with future problems you might have dealing with an adolesent. Remember, when children are born we are not given an instruction manuel, it is a learn as you go. Different techniques work on different children. I hope I have said something that will help you. good luck T.

It is my thinking that because your niece has been through so much, she probably feels like she has earned the right to be adult like. She needs to understand that although she may have had to be independent, she is not now. She is a child and you are the adults, which means she does not get the luxury of arguing with you. Talk to her and recognize that she has been though a lot in a few short years, but things are very different now and instead of being combative, be happy and appreciative. She has a second chance at a real family and her attitude does not help the situation at all.
Hope this helps some.

Hi, I am a mother of three. 13yrs., 9yrs.and 6 months. The 13yrs. and 6 month old are mine, the 10 year old is my step daughter. I have had similar problems with my stepdaughter in the past due to the fact that her mother was never a strong influence in her life and now she only gets to see her about once or twice a year. When she does get that opportunity the daughter pretty much runs the house. There is no discipline there, nor was there any before I came along. Me and my husband have custody. We have been together since just before she turned 3. The only thing I can suggest is to take her to counsling. We did this with my 9 year old and it helped her alot. She used to be very difficult and spoiled. Now she is easier to handle and talks to us a little more. It will never be easy with a child that has such a hard history. You just have to be patient and do the best you can. I doubt you are doing anything less than any other mother would do in your situation. Just stick to your guns and keep trying.

Honest, the only thing that will help is seeing a counselor. And only cause she is so young, something can be changed.
Later on She will have really bad problems. My husband and me are getting a divorce because of this. I don't think she will listen to you. These are bahaviorproblems that need to be taken seriously and they can destroy families.
I am going through a tough time as of right now, i just got here from germany last year, and now my daughter and me are on our own.Could need some friends, ____@____.com

Hi TJ B,
It is difficult for your neice as I am sure she has learned that she can not trust anyone. She must feel alone. When she is defiant, it is her defense mechanism, it keeps her safe and helps her to keep a distance between herself and others. Even if the environment you have provided for her were the most nurturing and affectionate ever, she may be uncomfortable because she may in the back of her mind think that she will be abandoned again. I am not sure she knows how true relationships really work. There are disagreements but after proper communication, there is a mutual understanding.
When you approach her with situations, try to not make it confrontational because that will bring her defenses up and she will not understand the true nature of your discussion. Explain to her that you had a tough experience, that your house burned down because of this fire hazard and that you are trying to keep everyone safe. She is a person and I'll bet she will respond to an approach that respects her as a person who matters. It will help her self esteem and help her to realize that you are on her side. This can be a beautiful thing for this child and may turn her life around, thank you for seeking help in working with her. This must be your soul's mission.

I understand what you are going through. When I moved in with my now husband he had a 7 yr old that is now 11. His mother has lost custody of him except 1,3,5 weekends because of her poor decisions. I think the most important thing for kids, even at the tween age, is consistancy and having a routine. They really like to know that you are going to be there and that everything is always the same. This has made my stepson much more comfortable at our home that his mothers, he rarely wants to go there on her weekends. If the routine is going to be changed in anyway, I let him know. I think he also responds better to my requests to do things, when he feels like his actions are helping everyone. He likes to feel like he is part of the decisions. When he does do well we generally give him for responsibility , like letting him use the stove and oven, rather than buying him gifts. The responsiblity makes him feel proud and is long lasting rather than a quick present that he almost immediately forgets. Again, it is that consistantcy thing. His mom consistantly buys him things he does not need and he expects it. I rarely buy him anything that he does not need, so the few times we buy something or go for ice cream ,it is a treat rather than an award. I think it also will take time for you to show your niece that you are not going anywhere. I think it took me 2 years or so before my stepson really thought I was not like his mom's "friends" who move in and move out in the same breath. And that I would always be there for him. He actually spends more time with me now than either of his parents and we have a very good reletionship, but as I said it took time and I had to prove to him I would stay and take care of him forever.

good luck, it will get easier.

TJ, Wow, I really don't have any advice other than try some counseling for her. It sounds like her upbringing before she came to live with you has a lot to do with this type of behavior! I know. I have been there. The difference is it's not my child but my husband. My husband is the exact same way and came from a similiar background. He went to get counseling one time (and I do mean one time!). The doctor said that is why he was so defensive...because of his childhood. It drives me COMPLETELY NUTS!!!! At least a child is a child but a grown man? Please pray a lot and I hope you get the guidance that you need for your niece. God Bless.

S