Hi. I'm wondering what your experience has been with a 1 yr old showing a strong preference for one parent one day, and the other parent the next day. Not so much wondering what causes it (we think it is whomever he sees first in the morning) but how you deal with it.
Let me start by saying that we know this is normal and healthy. Mommy has been the 100% preferred parent for over a year while Daddy works outside the house. Now that nursing has stopped, we know it's also healthy that some days Daddy is the hero - it's a testament to his wonderful involvement in many aspects of childcare. And that's he just a super fun, kind person.
But when the preferred parent needs to hand off the baby to the parent out-of-favor, and the child complains bitterly - how do you handle that? We don't give in to the toddler's every wish, but at the same time strive to respect his desires when possible.
So, looking for feedback on what your experience was with this.
Of corse you assure him/her that he will get mommy/daddy back, but beyond that you make the transfer quick, just like the babysitter, leaving no room for argument. Giving in is only for extreme situations, like illness. An experienced telemarketer will tell you that you haven't said no if you're still on the phone with them. It is just the same wtih children. If you're still busy telling them no, you haven't finished.
I have 3 little kids ranging from 21 months to 5 yrs. We've go through this from time to time with all of them. I think that the less of a big deal you make it, the better the kids react and adjust. If it's not interfering with things we really need to do, we let that child have time with their preferred parent. The other parent just backs off for a little bit. Sometimes when my kids want dad, I'll say to them, "Have you got your daddy? Isn't daddy awesome? That's so fun." Just to let them know it's great to have time with that parent. If they're really wanting dad, but dad is needed elsewhere & we have to do the hand-off, we just say, "Daddy has to go now - bye-bye Daddy" and then without too much ceremony, we just hand them off. When they start to scream for dad, I just tell them that Daddy has to do whatever it is now & isn't that sad. Then I just try to distract them with something they love - snack, toy, whatever. Just try not to have dad hanging around where the child can see him & be reminded of what they want and can't have. Kids have a very short memory and are easily distracted. It's kind of like when you leave kids with a sitter & their heart breaks for 5-10 minutes, but then they're perfectly happy for the rest of the time. This has worked very well for us and I think that because we don't get excited about it and we acknowledge what the child wants, it hasn't become a huge problem. The kids have learned that it's okay to want what they want, but that doesn't mean they always get it. Good luck!
My 21 month old is like this. Some days its all about mommy and some days all about Daddy. If he wants mama and I'm busy we just explain that mama is busy that he need to go play with daddy right now and visa versa.
You simply tell him that the favored parent has to go fill-in-the-blank & he GETS to spend time with the other parent now.
Hi N. - we go through this as well - even now with a 7yr old and a 3yr old! It's changes day to day.
There really isnt a magic bullet for this especially since your 1yr old is entering the developmental phase where separation anxiety is at it's height. You may find this gets worse before it gets better. Helping your child continue to learn object permanence will help reassure them that the favored parent will return.
When confronted with this personally, I decided what to do based on the circumstances and whether or not I could accommodate the preference. The hardest times in infanthood was during a handoff like you mentioned because the favored parent is still available. Usually handling it very matter of factly and with a fun distraction or leaving the room helped to calm them down.
