Child to Parent: "I Don't Love You"

Me thinks you think too much. lol And the mom is grasping.
All kids say this sometimes.
I tell my son "That's OK. I love you enough for both of us!" And he usually grins.
Best of luck!

Hi Paul,
Yes, you are a loving father of one real 3 years old little boy who is into testing, a common thing for his age. He is just testing the effects of his words on you, the same way he will test if the remote control will work after he pulls out the batteries or what you going to do if he tosses all the food he doesn't like on the floor. The best respond to the "I don't love you", 'I hate you" type of things is to stay calm and just say something like: "Really? That's OK, I love you anyway." He is just into testing... Hope I was helpful. Good luck!

My 3 yr old says that sometimes. I think he is just trying to tell me he is mad and not happy with me at the time but doesn't have the words to tell me. "I don't love you" is much easier for a 3 year old to say than I'm upset and you need to leave me alone. I just try to tell me son that its ok to be mad and give him different words to use. My son was also saying "I hate you" but now says "Im mad at you". I don't think it has anything to do with more visitation. Thats just silly

Having an ex is tough. Being an ex is also tough. Read Andra C.'s answer again.

I am a fan of "I love you." I tell my kids this on a regular basis and give them a hug. My youngest will be 22 next month.

When your child says "I don't love you" have an answer ready. Like, "I know you don't want to be placed in this car seat, but the law says you have to be. I have to obey the law. I'm your dad and I'll always love you." Or "You mean you don't want to be put in this car seat, don't you? Say, 'Daddy, I don't want to be in this car seat.' Don't say, 'I don't love you.' " That way you are teaching your child to express his feelings properly.

The only time I had a child tell me something like that was when he did something he knew he shouldn't have done (he was 14 or 15) and did it to be rebellious. He didn't like the punishment and yelled, "I hate you!!!" I already had my reply. "I love you son. I'm your dad and I'll always love you. I love you so much I'm willing to teach you right from wrong. I'll always be there for you. I'm your dad and I'll always love you." And I turned and walked away.

Keep up the good work. Good luck to you and yours.

Dad do not worry it has nothing to do with you. I have 2 children 10 and soon to be 7. I can not tell you how many times I have done things that made them mad where in turn they stated, "I do not love you." Oh and just wait next comes the "I hate you Mommy/Daddy." And their all time fav, "I do not have to listen to you". As they get older they can say some things that will really hurt but it is a part or being a parent. We love them no matter what and realize that it is all part of them learning how to deal with and state their feelings. This is coming from a parent first, an early-childhood educator next, and now I am studying to be a Christian counselor. We have ot teach them to say I am upset, angry, happy, mad, sad, and so on. Hang in there.

Sounds like mom doesn't like the extra visitation, and is jealous of the extra time you get to spend with your son. Unfortunately the easiest way to hurt an ex is through the children. I would ignore her statements. As far as your son, just keep letting him know that you love him. My daughter was mad at me one day, she was probably 5 or 6 at the time, she screamed that she hated me, and I just looked at her and said it was OK if she did because I loved her enough for both of us. She broke down into tears and told me she didn't mean it. What she was trying to do was get her way, it didn't work. Is it possible that your son is saying this to you to get control of a situation by making you feel bad. I know 3 sounds young for that but believe me, it's not, especially with a bright child. Also, is it possible this is something he is hearing when he is with his mother, that he is repeating? The fact that she blamed you for it makes me wonder, because when a person is guilty of something they usually try to turn that around onto someone else to take the spotlight off of themselves. If this were my child, and it continued, I would ask him why he is saying that, you may be surprised at what he has to say.

In the very near future he may start verbalizing to you that he wants mommy because you disciplined him. Children learn very early how to push our buttons. They learn how to play mommy against daddy and I suspect in a broken marriage it is even more pronounced.
If you always say I love you. always give him unconditional love, always take the high road and never badmouth mommy then you are teaching him to be a responsible, loving, caring man. That's what you want.

Now, in my house my kids are 9, 12, 15 and 21, when I get the "that's not fair", "you're mean, " I hate you" etc... I say you're right I am the meanest mommy in the whole world. I went to mean mommy school and graduated at the top of my class, I got straight A's. You better get out now while you can and go find another mommy. All of them give me the you're ridiculous look and usually comply.

I think parents need to remember (though it is hard!) that kids are kids. They say things they don't mean sometimes. They say things to get a rise out of their parents. Of course your son loves you. He will show it to you, but he is a child and occasionally he will say "I don't love you" simply because in that moment, he's mad at you. As adults, we know well that we can be mad at someone and still love them. I know it's hard, but try to shrug off his occasional "I don't love." He loves you.

My kids have said things like that. They don't mean it at all. Just keep loving your son like you're doing. I know it's hard to hear but he doesn't really even know what he's saying.

My husband was pulling in the driveway yesterday and I told our almost 4 year old son, Daddy's home! He said, I don't want to see Daddy! He was upset b/c our daughter just left a few minutes before hand to stay at a friends house and he didn't want her to leave b/c they were playing. He didn't mean what he said (but it would have hurt my husband if he knew he said that).

Keep being the great Dad that you are, Paul.

She might mean that it's harder on him to see you more often, because there are more transitions, and, in some respects, she might be right. Transitions are hard on kids, especially at that age.

HOWEVER, the difficulty of the transitions PALES in comparison to the incredible value of having a very involved father. Just as with anything else, he will adjust to the transitions and will grow accustomed to the routine.

I don't think the "I don't love you/I love you" has anything to do with visitation. My son said to my husband this morning "I don't love daddy" appropos of nothing. He was just seeing the impact of his words. When we said "oh, that's not nice" he said, "Oh, I love daddy." They're little. Their brains are small. They're just trying to figure it all out. Don't worry, your son will too.

Best of luck.

I would be reluctant to share those moments, as well as other private moments that you have with your son...with your exwife. These are YOUR times with him and unless something really needs to be shared ( an injury, the beginning of a cold, upset tummy...etc) then I would just savor the time you have with your son and don't let your exwife ruin a second of it for you.
As to the "I don't love you"....that was his way of saying "I don't want to get into this car seat, you are the one making me do it so I am going to just vent!!". I have been told "I hate you" by a pre- teenage daughter, when I was in the midst of sending her to her room for some long forgotten infraction. That daughter is now grown and a mother herself and I imagine that her son has told her, on more than one occassion "I don't love you"!!! Stay positive and don't read too much into that little episode.
I applaud you for fighting to spend time with your son...so many divorced...no custodial parents soon just go on about their lives and almost seem to forget that they have a precious part of themselves waiting to hear from them.
I hope that you and your ex wife can come to a place where you both can set your anger and bitterness aside and just concentrate on what is best for your son. I know it is hard, my husbands ex wife ( and we have been married for 41 years now!!) can still raise his blood pressure, with just the mention of her name!!!
Good luck to you

Paul, I am glad that you fought for your son and reasonable visitation, just remember though that you and your ex need to be civil for your son. As for the "I don't love you" - it most likely is his age and to be honest my kids tell me that ALL the time (13/8/6) and I just smile and say "that's ok b/c I love you" or ignore it. I would suggest that you make sure that you speak to your attorney about having something in the custody agreement about speaking ill of the other parent/co-parenting classes/etc.. It sounds as though mom is still in alot of pain.

EDIT:
I agree with Allison H. don't tell the mother when he says these things. I would though keep a journal (just as I suggest to mom's) of everything that is said/done by the child and what you two do together - basically a diary, but also include in it (in a factual non emotional way) anything and everything the mom says to you or does that hinders your visitation.

No, I don't think it has anything to do with visitation. That's an odd link to draw.

But this might be a good time to teach empathy. When he tells you he doesn't love you, tell him that it hurts your feelings when he says things like that, because you love him very much. Then give him the words he's looking for, "I know you don't like your car seat, and I'm sorry. But you have to sit in it to keep your safe." When he doesn't want to go home with Mommy, tell him how much Mommy wants to see him and that spending time with him is so important to both his parents. Now is the perfect age to teach him to put himself in other people's shoes before he says hurtful things. Good luck.

Paul~
These are the right moments to ask "Wow. You sound mad. What are you mad about?" Having permission to talk about feelings is important, and young children generally need a lot of help in determining what exactly is upsetting them. Asking open-ended questions can help. The book "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen.. and How To Listen So Kids Will Talk" by Faber and Mazlish is an excellent, very accessable guide to broaching these and other challenging moments with our kids.

Children tend to exhibit less-positive feelings during transitions, especially from parent to parent. Growing up with divorced parents, I know the transition itself was stressful for me--although my folks didn't say it at the time, I knew they were frightfully unhappy with each other. Keeping transition times light and friendly always helps.

It also sounds to me as though there is quite a bit of tension between yourself and your son's mother. Perhaps this isn't the case, however, some of the content of your post suggests this. It might be worth looking into getting some sort of mediation or counseling, if she's on board, because co-parenting with such hard feelings on both sides can be very difficult for everyone in the family.

My best to you.
H.

i wouldnt tell the mom he said this.. when your child says this.. i would say.. that isn't nice.. the words are I love you...not i don't love you... that would make me sad... so can we say.. i love you... and we hug!!! and then i we both say i love you... we can smile.... show him a sad face went we say i don't love you..... show him a happy face.. with i love you... this has nothing to do with extra time... i have a feeling mom is saying this to him... or saying mean things about you... just show your child you love him.. and he will see it as he grows older... don't worry... keep being an awesome dad.. and your child will love you

When my kids say they don't love me, I make sure to tell them that I love them no matter what.

I don't know if your visitation has anything to do with your sons "I don't love you" statements but there are plenty of times when my kids don't love or even like me, even now that 2 of them are adults. Welcome to parenthood!

If your son can verbalize his feelings, you might use a "I don't like you" statement to start a conversation about what he does and doesn't like and perhaps get some insight into what might be bothering him. It will also give you an opportunity to remind you son that your love for him is unchanging.

Paul--

I don't participate much here, but every time I see your posts I am impressed with how thoughtful and involved and dedicated you are.

Whatever is going on with your little boy, just keep loving him.

Kids say what they think they need to to get their own way, or they say what gets an emotional reaction if they are testing boundaries, or he's going through a "mommy" phase, or ... .

Having Daddy in their life more regularly, even when Daddy is not as engaged and attentive as you seem to be, is supposed to improve all sorts of outcomes for the child.

Just keep taking care of him :).

My 2 1/2 year old daughter tells me all the time, "I don't love you, I love Daddy", and tells my husband "I don't love you, I love Mommy." For her, it's a funny exploration of word play. When I tell her, jokingly, "Well then, I don't love you either!" it makes her laugh, because we both know that we love each other, and we hug and giggle about it.

If it first happened while you were making him do something he didn't want to do, that was just his 3-year-old way of articulating his frustration.

While it may trigger something emotionally given your circumstances, treat it like a game and it won't become serious.

Paul,
I had to roll my eyes at your ex-wife's statement. P-L-E-A-S-E! I have two little boys at home as I am fortunate enough to be a stay at home mom, belive me, "I don't love you" is nothing. Wait until you start to hear, "I hate you!". My oldest is only 4 and when he doesn't like the response he gets from me in a situation it tumbles out of his mouth. I don't take it personal, I understand it is just his way of expressing dislike about a particular situation. Depending on my mood I either tell him that a) "that's because I'm the meanest mom in town" followed my monster groans and tickles or b) "I know that your upset right now and you don't really mean that, please say 'I am angry right now because...' instead so you don't hurt someone's feelings.

As a child of divorced parents, I can attest, visitations were hard, when I felt like I had settled into one home and one set of rules it was time to go to the other parent's house. Please be patient and try to make transitions as easy as possible for your child. Children are always in situations where they don't want to do something that is in their best interest. IMO, his back lash to go visit is no different then having backlash about not eating his veggies.

You sound like your working hard to be a part of your little boys life and that's not always easy in your situation. Hang in there, be strong and don't let it get to you!!

Oh, this is not good, but not for the reasons she says. Your little boy learned this, and more than likely he learned it from his mother.

Since you had to fight for more visitation through the courts (and his mother was ordered to give it, and does not do so willingly), she is undoubtedly feeding him feelings he neither has nor understands. It's all too common, but what is most awful is that she is using the very statements she created to further damage you.

Do not believe her for a second, and do not believe that your son doesn't love you. Visitations are hardest when one parent undermines the other. Just be positive with your son, and do all you can to make your time together happy and comfy. Even kids not going through visitation can express themselves in this way if they are frustrated, and if he is almost 3, he is moving into emotional territory he hasn't encountered and doesn't know how to express. I would suggest asking him, "Are you frustrated by the car seat?" so that he can agree. That way he can learn how to say what is bothering him, and learn that you will listen to his issues with an open heart.

I wish you luck with this.

You've gotten a lot of good advice here and I just wanted to add that very little that comes out of a three year old's mouth could be construed as logical. They say "I love you" but they don't really know what it means to love....it is something the feel...even very deeply...but they can't communicate it freely.

My daughter, who has practically no contact with her father, will often cry for him when she is angry with me. The first couple of times it happened, it cut through me like a knife. I think that I cried all night the first time...but after a year, I am pretty much immune to it.

The little critters are learning to manipulate the environment around them...without reason or logic or the ability to fully form thought processes.

I, too, am glad you fought for your reasonable and fair visitation and that you seem to be honoring the arrangements. Too many non-custodial parents don't take an active role in their child's life...even if more than reasonable accomodation is given.

Oh sorry that happened. I have a strong willed little three year old and have gotten the whole "I don't love you" comments and we don't have the visitation stuff in the mix. It is something kids do. When my son says it I always say "Oh well, whether you love me or not I will never stop loving you" Strange as it sounds he loves it when I tell him that. Now sometimes he will tell me that just so I will tell him how I will never stop loving him. Now occasionally when he is mad he might say he doesn't like me or he isn't going to play with me etc. Same thing, I tell him that whether or not he doesn't like me I will always like him, play with him etc. I don't even sweat it. We are very close:) Don't take if personal at all, kids love to test the waters and see how we respond I think. I don't personally think it has anything to do with you or your ex, just a three year old being ornery:D

Kids say this more often than any parent would like. They don't mean anything by it, other than, "you are trying to make me do something I don't want to do at this moment". He loves you. I doubt very much that it has anything to do with the visitation increase. In fact, I'm sure that is a GOOD thing for him. It is difficult for a three year old to leave either parent to go somewhere else. I don't think she can use that as "evidence". There is a site called, helpfordaddy.com that might help you. They might offer you support and insight.

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Paul-although the custody stuff is all very serious, dont't get me wrong, but he is just is a 3 year old baby, you can't take him too seriously My son ( now 5) says that to me once a week...I just tell him that I do love him and I love him all day long, even when he's sleeping or in time out and I'll always love him no matter what. There are not always logical links with children, he may have been thinking about when you told him no, you would not let him eat ice cream for breakfast two days ago.....they are usually trying to get some type of reaction...they can really read our minds, thoughts an emotions very well so he may be "yanking your chain." At any rate, he needs to know you love him so don't worry so much and just be a loving, great and fun dad. Have some fun with him too, crack jokes and be silly (boys love all the crazy flatulence noises and silly things like "is that dog about to drive that car over there?...etc) Sounds like you already are a very concerned and loving dad so make the most of your time with him! and lots of hugs and kisses to him!!

My husband and I have both heard '" I don't love you" from our daughters on various occasion. I think it has nothing to do with you personally or the visitation schedule. It is more likely a way for your son to say "I don't like what's happening at this very moment," without being able to express it in those words. It is very developmentally appropriate for kids to say that. Its too bad that your ex is attaching an adult meaning to it in order to use it against you.

It is normal and healthy for him to state how he feels. My step-daughter would say "I love you." all the time, even when angry or stressed. She had not been given permission by her mother to feel any other way. All her negative feelings were buried deep inside. As she grew older, the problems started to arise. She would get so angry and throw herself around, that her mother felt the child needed to be held down so as not to hurt herself. By 13 she was a "cutter", and had an eating disorder.

Let your son express how he feels. That is healthy. If you see any troubling behavior, like him hitting, pinching, or otherwise hurting himself when he is stressed, frustrated or other, take him to a Doctor and have him checked out.

As for his mother, start a log, of things she says to you. Record phone conversation, save emails (my ex is supposed to only make arrangements with me by email, court ordered, to that there is record.) You are your son's best advocate. Sounds like you have a great child, encourage him to feel and express his feelings. You could even get a chart of the feelings, you know the happy and sad faces, and teach him about feelings. When he is older "the Ungame" is a good one for teaching him feelings and how to express them.

Kids say things like that because they hear it somewhere and they say it and depending on the parents reaction learn how to use it. They dont even really understand what it means unless you explain it. I went through this with my daughter, she said she said in her head that she hated mommy. It broke my heart, but when I asked her if she knew what that meant she said no. When I explained to her what it meant (to me) she got really upset and said she didnt think that and she hasnt used it since.

Oh boy, it breaks your heart doesn't it? My 4 year old has said it to me I think twice, and each time, my response is, "Well, I still love you and always will." I also get "Your not my best friend anymore". Anyways, I think it is very common, and my husband (her father) and I are still married so I don't think it has anything to do with visitation. I am just waiting for the older years when "I hate you" comes into play!

Equate things to feelings for him when he says stuff like that. Say that makes me sad & makes me feel bad. Children especially understand feelings.

My daughters (one is almost 5 and one is 2.5) tell me they don't love me when they are frustrated or upset at me. My husband and I married and living together. I don't know where they got this-well, I know where little sis got it! I wouldn't worry about it too much. I think it's pretty normal at this age for kids to start testing their parents and who knows, maybe he is saying it to her too and she just doesn't want you to know. The link she is trying to create is soooo weak and for her own benefit. Don't bother discussing it with her...it will make her feel/act smug and it's really just normal, harmless brattiness! :)

I can't tell you how many times my daughter yelled "I hope you die and burn in Hell" or "I hate you!!!!", it's her way of trying to hurt my feelings the most. I just told her "Well, I love you and however you feel is okay, I still love you anyway". Then dropped it and ignored the rest of the tirade.

Now my grandkids that I am raising are doing it too. I tell them it is unacceptable to say mean things and to try and say what is really going on, like instead of saying I hate you say you hurt my feelings and I am mad.

Teaching kids to communicate is very hard and often not handled well, just step back and try to look at the big picture, what is really going on, address the issue not the behavior.

Based on my two children, I would say it is just his age. I have two boys, 3 and 4, and around that age they both started saying that occasionally, as well as other statements like "your not my best friend". I think it is just their way of saying that they aren't happy about a situation (like if I put them in their car seat instead of letting them climb in, or don't let them watch a movie etc.). They live with both parents, and both of us tell them we love them a lot, and show them through actions too, and they tell these things to both of us. Often when they "don't love" one of us the other is their best friend. But it is always short lived. Unless he is really withdrawing from you and saying it all the time I wouldn't make a big deal out of it, I'd just give him a factual come back like "but I love you" and move on.

My son started saying that at 3 when he did not get his way. At 5 it escalated to him saying "I hate you" at times. Now at 6 and a half he rarely says this but he does still have an attitude sometimes when he does not get his way. You sound like a great Dad - don't let these statements from him get you down. He does not mean it!

Well I am married we have 3 kids. I still deal with that occasionally from my youngest. It hurts. I try not to react. I just tell my child I love her no matter what. I don't give it any negative attention.

I hope those statements along with "I hate you" don't mean anything, except frustration and anger, because I've heard them quite a few times from my now 6 year old. I, also, said these same things to my mom and she was the best. Don't let any of this bother you. Just spend as much quality time with your son as you can and tell him you love him often. Good luck!

Just wait until the "I hate you's" come....LOL! Most kids do this, he is only 3. Its normal and it means nothing. Your son loves you, loves his mom dearly. Keep up the good work of being a great dad. Your son needs you and always will. This has nothing to do with him spending time with you. This her way of trying to control something she can not control. She cannot control you seeing your son.

Paul, keep fighting your good fight and DON'T GIVE UP. Too many single parents just want to be that, and keep the other parent away and it is not fair. Kids will say they don't love you to control you. Your son probably didn't want his seatbelt on and thought you'd give in if he broke your heart. He'll probably say that many times because my kids have said it too, along with the many I love you's as well. Your ex wife probably has issues with you regarding your 'hi tech job', maybe she feels you have worked a lot in the past and didn't pay as much attention as she would have liked? So maybe she is trying to make you pay for it now. Just a guess - but just keep loving your child and fighting for time with him-because all kids need to grow up knowing their fathers!!

Paul you said it in your first sentence he said "I don't love you" when you were trying to get him in his carseat, which he probably didn't want to go in to. When he said it the other two times were you asking him to do something he didn't want to do? When my son was that age he hated his car seat and frankly hated change in his routine. So since he was still young the "I don't love you" was his way of expressing discontent. I would say "oh, I'm sorry to hear that and it makes me sad, but I will always love you no matter how you feel about me". As far as your ex, boy is she reaching!! Kids feel tension, since she is not happy about you getting fair visitation, she might not be verbalizing it to him ie-bad mouthing you, but the tension, or her tone, when she says "ok you are going with daddy now" depending on her tone of voice whether it is harsh or if she says it sadly can affect him and wanting mommy to feel better so he acts out with you. It'll stop once he gets used to the routine. Good for you for fighting for your rights.

Paul,

I know you are a loving, devoted dad. I always notice your posts on here (after all, there aren't that many dads!) and am always pleased with how involved you are in your son's life.

Sounds to me like your little guy is trying stuff on for size. Just wait..."I hate you" is probably right around the corner. I've heard it a few times from my 4 year old. I know he loves me, and this is all a part of normal development.

My guess is that his mom is looking for any excuse to limit your visitation with him, and this is just the newest thing she's been able to jump on. Don't let her assertions throw you off...just keep being the great dad you are and expect that these outbursts (from your son AND his mom) will be the norm.

Great job, Dad!

This is such a normal thing that all kids do when they are angry, don't stress it.

Your job, as his dad, is to love him no matter how he feels about you. Usually, when a kid says that, it doesn't mean that much, other than a momentary displeasure. However, at three years old, you may not want to take him away from his home for almost two days. That's a lot of upheaval for a three year old. No matter what is "fair," sometimes or most times you just have to do what is "best" for him. And what is best for a young child is that he has the security of staying in his own home most of the time.

Some kids do better at sleepaways than other kids.

So, if he says that, just say, "Well, I love you anyway," and then go back to having fun with him.

Unfortunately, this is the consequence to you of not being with your child's mother. Maybe you have good reason for not being with her, I don't know. During the young years, it is best for little children to spend most of their time with mommy. That's just a fact, that has nothing to do with fairness or reasonable visitation. That's why I've told my boys to keep it in their pants (or make sure they're well protected), unless they're really sure they want to spend the rest of their life with a girl.

At this age, kids are testing to see what your reaction is. They want consistancy and they are learning to push buttons. Let him know that it isn't nice to say that and that you love him regardless. Every time, keep it the same. He will give up on this "button" if the message is always the same.

You will see various stages of this same behavior through the years. It is their job to test the boundries and make sure they are still there.

Hang in there.
D.