Children - Bronx,NY

I think you are being very nice. I would at least charge the 20 yr old $50 a week, and the 18 yr old $30. This is a rough world out there and need to understand its much harder out there. I would stand my ground and collect the money. Only because how else will they learn. Trust me I completely understand how you feel and the way you raised them. I to do not go out or leave my little ones with anyone. So, if this is how they are going to react. All I could say is that I KNOW I did my best. They will become the people they want to be no matter what. I hope it will get easier for you. :)

You sound very sad & I just want to emphasize that you DID NOT fail as a mother! Sounds like you did a pretty amazing job of raising your kids actually. Your kids are sill young- perhaps they are being difficult teenagers still- but this is no excuse for what they are doing. If they have jobs, they need to contribute to food, bills, etc. or tell them it's going to be time soon to get their own apt's & they need to start a savings account to pay their rent. I know rent is super high in NYC but maybe they could share an apt & therefore share all expenses between them. Asking them for $30 towards your rent is NOT asking too much nor are you being greedy. I'm sorry that I don't have a solution or strategy but just wanted to let you know that you are doing a great job and don't let this one obstacle make you question all your years of being a great mother!

Helo L.. Do not worry that your kids seem like strangers. You have brought them into this world & raised them very well. Show them the letter you wrote here & they will realise what you have done for them. They are still young. I have 4 children now grown up. The youngest is 17. My husband died 5 years ago & it has been hard to provide enough money for evereything. They always hear me say.." I cannot afford that" or " I have no money for this". They still expect I will find the money from somewhere. And I usually do. Last month I lost my job & there has been no money. Finally, my son aged 20 realises he has to step up. Without me asking he gives me half his pay each week. My youngest daughter is helping around the house more & not asking for treats now. It has made me very happy to see they have at last grown up & become responsible adults. I am working again now, will be paid in 6 weeks but my son knows he is the man of the house now! remind your kids to respect you L.. You are a wonderful mother..they have just not realised it yet! xxx K.

Mom,
I was wondering why are they still living at home when they are adults now? Are they home from college on break this summer or have you allowed them to live in your house once they have graduated high school? I expect when our young teen graduates HS she has the option of going to college, joining the military, or geting a job and moving out soon after to support yourself once she has graduated from HS. You have raised your children to the best of your ability and done a good job doing so it sounds like by working hard yourself and being very supportive of them when they were growing up.Now it is your time. If you allow them to stay under your roof I would have them sign an agreement that they will pay rent monthly and it would be much more than $20-$30. It would be several hundred each per month. They need to realize they can not keeping living at home without contributing towards food, and the rent or mortgage payment and living under your house rules Mom. Sounds like they are taking advantage of you but they can do so only if you let them. Personally I would tell them to start looking for a place on their own if they are not in college so they can begin their lives as the adults they are and not leaching off of you. Hope this doesnt sound too harsh, but it is your time now to do what you want to do for yourself and spouse, if married, and for them to leave home, Insist on it but give them a ont or 2 to find a place if they won't pay you rent. Hope this helps!

$20-$30? They got off cheap. I told my 17 year old that is he is still home when he's 18, he's paying a third of the bills since there are 3 in the household.

First off, this might come across as brash..first cup of coffee. We do not receive a handbook on how to raise children when they are born. We all make mistakes. There is no right or wrong way. It's trial and error.

You taught them what to be afraid of...not how to embrace life and enjoy it. Sure we all want to keep our children safe, but life isn't about playing it safe all the time. Take the training wheels off already.

We have to take risks and learn to rely on our own intuition. Do your children know how to balance a checkbook, pay bills, clean? These are things we are to teach them too along with the awareness of danger and awareness of safety.

I have 4 children ranging from 23-4 years of age. Only two still live at home. I didn't teach them to be bigger children, I taught them to be adults and how to be self sufficient and that when things get hairy, call me or come home for a while.

They are taking advantage of your fears by mooching off of you. That's not teaching them to be productive adults. You are using your fears to keep them at home. That's not good either.

Give them 30 days to find another place to live and help them prepare in the meantime.

I wish you well...but you need an education. Just the basics....maybe look into a local community college. Education is the key...to unlock the lock of your problems. Children should not be "taking" care of parents...unless the parents are elderly and incoherent. Children are not reponsible for rent...or any other utility.

You sound like you've been a very nice mother, but I think sometimes our mothers are almost "too" nice -and we don't become as independent as fast as we should; we lean on mom and let her keep feeding us, etc. when we should be doing it ourselves! Don't beat yourself up. Sure, we raise our children hoping they'll turn out well and that we've taught them well and it shows, but ultimately they are individuals and different people than we are. I don't think you're charging them enough! I would start HEAVILY suggesting they get out, get their own place and be the adults they are. The 18 year old could still live at home if she's going to school, but it's time to ease the 20 year old out the door!

i agree with the other posters about asking for rent. As one poster said if they are not expecting it, to spring it on them may make them deffensive. I would sit down and talk with them about what the expectations are. Give them a time limit of say 4 weeks to decioide what they want to do. For example: "By September 1st you will be expected to put something toward household expenses." and tell them the amounts. At age 18 and 20 they are old enough to see what costs are involved in the running of a home. Utility bills, food, mortgage etc. This is a good lesson for when they do leave and spread their wings, they aren't shocked by what it costs. This can be a good life lesson. Also.. if they aren't already, they should be responsible for some of the work around the house. My 6 1/2 year old already has some jobs that she can handle and as she and her brother grow, they will get jobs for their ability.

As for you.. now you need to take care of YOU and put YOU first. Someone suggested taking some classes.. excellent idea! Take a class in something that catches your interest. Counselinng can also help you find who you are beyond Mom. Not that being Mom is a bad thing. But its one part of who we are as people. Children are indeed a blessing but at 18 and 20, they need to be blessed with the gifts of responisbility

Hope you found what you needed

Why do you want your children to pay rent? We think it is wonderful that our unmarried children live with us (only one is 18, but we want this for all of them until they are married). We let them use this time so that they can save money to start their household. My oldest is saving to buy a house when he gets married. He would love to be able to buy it outright, but no more than a 15 year loan, preferably 7 if any. He is diligent, owns his own business, and saves most of it. We want this for him. We make time to play games together as a family, we always eat dinner together, we spend time studying the Bible together. We're a family, not a group of individuals who happen to have the same address. Talk with them, love them, rejoice that they are home with you. It's a blessing. But, have them help around the house. They should be working as much as anyone else in the home. It's how we keep it in good shape! No one person should have to do it all.

A person is an adult when he/she can and wants to care for others - not just himself. If they are living at home and working, they should certainly be contributing to the running of the home. They should be taking turns cooking, cleaning, buying groceries, doing laundry, etc. It's not a matter of cajoling, yelling, arguing, It's a matter of calmly stating the rules of your home and telling them they can go out on their own if they prefer. Love is not allowing adults to behave like children - we want our children to be able to care for others and themselves, not to be dependent on us forever.

Dear L.,
I do not think it is unreasonable for your adult children who earn a paycheck to be expected to contribute to THEIR household expenses. This is not rent, but food and utilities, especially if they are not students and/or if it is a strain on you to support them. If I could afford it and they were college students, I would not charge them. When I turned 18 and was working fulltime, my mother expected me to pay her a sum of money to cover those expenses, just like she did with my sisters (we are in our 40's and 50's now). However, I would ask whether your children knew about this ahead of time or if you just sprung it on them? For me, I knew that it would be expected, but if you didn't give your kids prior warning, I can understand that they might balk at it, being taken by surprise. If they have a part time job for spending money and are students, I also understand them balking at this, but if they are full time employed and living at your home for free, I think it's fine for them to learn that when you have adult privileges, you also have adult responsibilities, including paying something for your food, utilities, heat, etc. Young people nowadays feel very entitled and they may be balking because their friends' parents are willing to pay their adult children's every expense even though these kiddults are making a fulltime paycheck.
Starting next summer, my now 15 year old is expected to have a job and to put half that money away for college expenses. If she comes back here to live after graduation when she has a job, she will be expected to contribute to the household.

Try communicating with them as adults. Be respectful of them and they will be respectful of you.

Two thoughts --
one, you can't protect them so much if you expect them to spread their wings. It sounds like you've given them more than they've asked for, and now they don't know how to take part in the realities of life. Asking them to pay rent sounds like a really good first step. But for you -- it sounds like fear was pretty powerful for you (bullies, predators, etc) and you gave up a lot of yourself to those fears. Just to say - check in with your own heart, and ask 1. what am I afraid of, and 2. what are my best hopes for my own life? Those are two huge questions that, really, we all need to ask ourselves.

My second thing to offer is more concrete -- write out your monthly household budget (income ... fixed expenses like mortgage/ insurance/ food/ loans/ gas/savings/ church/ etc. ... varying expenses like clothes/ entertainment/ etc ... things you choose to have like cable tv/cell phones/tuition/etc) and then go over it with your kids. THIS IS NOT TO MAKE THEM FEEL BAD. Only do this if you can do it without guilt or anger. They will need to learn this as they grow up. DO THIS AS A LOVING FAVOR TO THEM. Then ask them how much they think they should contribute. If they say nothing, ask them to come up with a budget if they lived elsewhere. You could even save 1/3 of what they pay as the down payment on an apartment for them someday.

Talking together about money, letting them decide whether you should pay for cable, and setting a food budget are ways that help them grow up and take seriously what you've been doing for them. And hopefully it'll also bring you back together -- just be sure that as they grow up, you appreciate the changes they're making. Good luck!