Childs Decision or Parents....

I would allow the contact, but monitor it. If they start manipulating and giving guilt trips, step in. If they are just trying to have some contact and build a relationship, then I would let it happen.

Around 14/15/16/17 depending on the child, they will really be able to know this. In the meantime, they should still have some contact with them and so when they are older they can choose to develop a relationship, or keep it a strained one.

I would always monitor the accounts anyway, if you are doing that then if anything is out of line you can block them.

My *personal* feeling is that at about age 14.5 a person stops being a child and becomes a *young* adult. (Of course, in Judiaism it's a year younger, and in many western/christian cultures it's 16ish -ish because there isn't a set ceremony welcoming a child into the adult world with adult decisions and responsibilties... esp recently. Although Quinceañera at 15 is still common, "coming out" at 16 has been phased out) A young adult is capable of making their own decisions, learning from experiences, etc. Teen's brains are actually completely rewiring in such a way that ALLOWS them to be able to see multiple sides and angles / think like an adult (sans experience) and act accordingly. It's when they start gaining the experiences that lead to actual adulthood. Because they have so few experiences as a young adult, teens usually make every mistake in the book, but at least they're capable of making those decisions to begin with.

I mean, don't get me wrong... I allow my 8yo to make tons of decisions, but he just isn't capable of being able to see things in either a) an adult way or b) on an even playing field. His view of the world is still very childlike As. It. Should. Be. An adult "trumps" him each and every single time. A 14-18 year old tends to have no problem telling an adult exactly what they think of them (sigh ;) and is learning to hold their own in an adult world; but I'm not going to put my child in a position to be manipulated or have to cope in an adult world. Granted a teen can be manipulated, but they can not only learn from that... but also what they say has WEIGHT in their own minds and hearts. Children are easily led. Teens... nowhere near so much.

If your children were 14 & 18 instead of 6 & 10... I'd say "Yeah, let them work out their relationship with their grandparents on their own." But 6 & 10 is still in the golden years of childhood where adults are all powerful. IMHO it's unfair to just throw them to the wolves, so to speak.

My first question have not read any of the other responses is why does a 10 yr old have email? thats way to young my goodness. But to answer your question a 10 year old really cant always make grown up choices i would step in as a parent and make the ultimate desicion whatever that may be.

Having 11 yr olds myself, if we had this issue, I would step in when the emails started being manipulative or tried to form some kind of guilt in my kids. At the same time, teach your children that they should not allow this so that as they get older, they can handle themselves well. My kids have friends that will sometimes try this and I am trying to teach them that people will do this but you do not have to let them get you.
I would make sure you have access to their emails so you can monitor the situation.

Everyone gets a chance to change. I'd let them have the contact until it turns bad. Then you can do something about it.

Maybe they have had a change of heart. If I was in you and your husbands' positions and you have had bad experiences I would just hope things go well. If they contact you, I'd act as if their new attitude was a permanent change and let the past lie in the past.

Good luck to you and yours.

Maybe this is your in-laws way of getting back into your lives? I think that you should encourage the relationship, set expectations and monitor the whole thing closely, but from a far.

Who knows, maybe this will help your husband's relationshiip with his dad.

I think it's a shame to keep kids from their grandparents - good or bad. We learn a lot from our elders - it's how we process what we learn that's importnant. And you will help guide your kids through the relationship.

At this point it seems like the issue is between you (the parents) and the grandparents, not the children. So, let the grandparents email, phone call etc. with the children. Monitor as necessary and step in when needed. It is possible they can have a perfectly natural grandparent/grandchild relationship but I would expect your supervision will be necessary until the children are old enough to see the manipulation for what it is.

Jana took the words right out of my mouth. If they respect boundaries then it doesn't matter what they try. It's a great lesson for your children to learn to set boundaries of their own. However, if they refuse to respect boundaries then sometimes silence is the best answer. Monitor the situation--use it as a learning experience for your kids. I have this situation with my father's mother--we didn't speak for nearly 30 years. Now we see her and my kids see her. She's got all kinds of issues, but I know how to deal with them, so it isn't a problem. However, if I had seen her as a child it would not have been good for me.

My step-father is pretty toxic and is refusing to act respectfully towards me, even though he wants to see my kids. My children know how mean he is to me and therefore do not want to be around him, although he doesn't act the same towards them. They are uncomfortable with him not respecting me. So follow your kids lead, knowing that if it makes you uncomfortable it will probably make them uncomfortable as well.

Good luck!
J.

Well, to answer your main question, the kids are too young to make their own decisions right now so whether or not they are allowed to stay in contact will be up to you.

Personally I think you should use it as a teachable moment type of thing. If the emails stay nice, everything is great. If however the emails turn manipulative, then you can use it to teach your kids about. What it means to be manipulative, why people do it, why they shouldn't, what to do about it when they do, etc.

Your kids are going to run into all different kinds of people in their lives. The more they know about how people treat each other & how to respond in different situations, the better off they'll be in the long run.

If they are being nice I would see no reason to not let the children converse with their grandparents. Even if your relationship is strained, they still love grandma and grandpa. Just monitor it so that if they start to cross that line you can speak up right away.

We have a sorta of similar issue with my hubbys mom and stepdad. Well his Mom. The entire time he and I have been together has been a roller coaster of guilt and pulling behavior which increased after we had a child. We have mostly been in an "off" status in the last 16 years. We could maintain a semi-peace..for holidays and birthdays and the occasional other instance for a few years running then something big would occur and then would have a few years of "off" time with ZERO interfacing.

A few years ago we decided, after another big occurance, that we were done. My daughter was old enough to be a part of that...about the age of your oldest. She, unfortunately, calls this the "unGrandma" now. We do not exchange gifts or cards, calls or email, or "freinds" on FB. A few times we have been togehter as a brothers/nephews birthday...we are pleasant, but usually leave early. It just doesn't work for us.

I know for many, this is unimaginable. For us it is a peaceful existance we have never had before and a good decision for us. We are close to all other family.

I think at 10, the children are too young to do this alone. If they were 14 or 16, with very limited guidance from you, they could. But not at 10. They need you involved in it entirely. They are too young. If guilt and manipulation are involved (as was with us), they will be relentless and use bully tactics, I imagine, on a 10 year old. Intervene..delicately..but do it. That is my advice.

Good luck.

I would cancel their email account. Your the parent and if its the right decision for your family than you should cease all contact with them.

As the parents, you are 100% in charge of what your children are exposed to, even if that means keeping them from family. As of right now, it sounds like your in-laws are not crossing the line and keep the communications positive. I think if you have full access to your children's email (which you should) and keep an eye on what is being communicated then you can intercept any negative ugliness.

In short, if the emails are innocent then let them roll with it, the second they are disrespectful or out of hand then change your children's email account to stop the communication. This is your right and your job as a parent.

To answer your question as to whether or not you let your children make this decision, they can make that kind of decision when they move out as far as I am concerned. You know what is best for the them and that is final. You have 20 years of experience with these people and your children cannot even begin to understand the consequences of the possible negative communication with them.

Now all that being said, it is also your job to teach your children to grow up and deal with things in a positive manor and treat people with kindness and respect - even the bad ones. In short, you don't need to go on and on about your relationship with the in-laws, the relationship problem is not between your children and the in-laws it is you and your husband and the in-laws. If needed, you can tell your children that some of the content they share is not appropriate for them and when they are older they can begin a new relationship with them - period. Also teach them to continue to be nice when it is necessary and that we cannot control what other people do only what we do. In other words, don't stoop to their level.

Hope this helps.

Good luck!

I think 10, and especially 6, is too young to be drawn into a family dilemma like this. I think you can let the in-laws be grandparents from a distance (if they send money & cards...what's the big deal?). It can be saved for college & will be less that you or your kids will have to pay. I think that just because your husband & yourself do not get along w/ your inlaws (& maybe rightfully so, I don't judge), it should not mean that your kids should be deprived of grandparents. If you are more comfortable, let them grandparent from a distance.

I would let both the kids and their grandparents know that you monitor all emails coming in (you should do this anyway, too many kids fall prey to internet predators for parents to not be involved). Let the girls know that they can also come to you if they start feeling bullied or anything, again by anybody who emails them, including grandparents (I hope you've discussed internet bullying with them too! If not, it's time). And as soon as you see anything inappropriate, manipulating, guilt-trip destined, etc, (including commenting on your parenting - my inlaws started doing that with my kids and it is just 100% inappropriate!!!) simply step in and tell your inlaws that it's not okay to talk to the kids like that.

Until then, let them try to build a relationship. Sometimes grandparents can be friends with grandkids even if they can't with their own kids; give them the chance. But, yes, be vigilant about monitoring to make sure you stop anything inappropriate before it gets anywhere.

I think that you should be honest with your older kids about why you have cut their grandparents out. I don't know how much you can edit the story to make it appropriate for the children, but I do think that they need to know "your side." I think that there's a thin line between protecting your kids and bashing the grandparents, and you always want to be sure that you're on the right side of that line.

That said, I think you want to reinforce with the older ones that you are supportive of a loving relationship between them and their grandparents. But if at any time your kids would like to step away from your in-laws you will support them in doing that tactfully.

I think that your younger one should be given as little info as possible. She still needs emails read to her, yes? Keep 'em short and sweet, as well as the replies. Her time to deal with this will come.

Good luck.

I don't know that there is a right answer for this. My side of the family is very close and my husbands side of the family is limited to the Mother and her youngest son (not my husband) and then the Dad is close to my husband but disrespects me.

After 9 years of marriage, I finally got fed up with the constant battle of defending myself from them. I could take down the Mamapedia server with my in law stories. I dealt with it for the next 12 years and then finally said enough and asked that my husband be present when his mother visits and for the second time asked that my father in law not stay at the house (they are divorced). Trust me, this didn't go over so well, but I had to explain that I am the one trying to make everyone comfortable, cooking, cleaning, and catching all the snide remarks and trying to keep peace. A lot of his families remarks are based on how many hours he works. That is a choice he makes, but I have to hear it. I have a little plaque in my dining room from his mother that says he is at work all day, while the wife is out shopping...hardly the case!! So it has worked out for the last couple of years, they don't visit as much.

So, what I have done is let off a bit and if it starts getting out of hand then I step up and say something. Six years ago while I was pregnant, my husbands dad stared asking if he could stay at the house and I would just say as long as he respects me. Little by little, we get along better and then it is as if he gets comfortable and there goes his mouth. He says what he wants. In turn, it is most natural for me to say something back, as much as I try to bite my tongue. Then I reach the point that I just don't want him here anymore and I stand my ground.

So I guess, if it were me, I would allow the grandparents to talk to them in whatever format they wish, but intercept any negative remarks and let them know you will not allow that. They have to respect you for the adults and parents you are and if they can't then that is a choice they make for themselves. We all know we have our own thoughts, but have to know when to say it and when to bite our tongues.

Your children are 6 and 10. The 10 year old, in my opinion, should obviously have more say, but at such a young age, I would be helping them with their emails. It gives you the chance to make sure it's not turning into manipulation. If it turns to manipulation that makes the kids feel guilty, etc, you should step in. Otherwise, there is no harm in the children talking with their grandparents.

At 10 they are too young to make this decision but the caution is when you hit the fast forward button and are grandparents to their children. Whatever the reasonings, you are teaching your children now, how to possibly treat you in the future. 10 is really young for an email account too in my opinion but since the door is already opened I would just monitor the relationship between your children and their grandparents. They too are going to have to learn how to deal with difficult people and just because the parents have a strained relationship with the grandparents doesn't necessarily equal the same for your children. Keep a watchful eye and open and honest communication.

It sounds to me like maybe the lines have not been clearly drawn with the grandparents. Why else would they even contact you guys, or send the money? This still falls into your decision area, not the kids... and I would reiterate whatever the rules are that you have outlined for the granparents. I am sure this has already involved telling them how you feel and why, and why it's not healthy for the kids, so I would ask them if they are trying to make changes, and what that involves for them. If they are trying to change, you can supervise time with them, or allow the emails or whatever is appropriate. I wouldn't want the kids to grow up thinking that you write people off with no chances - they may not have any friends in the end!!

So I guess I would approach them and ask them why they are making this contact per your agreement, and if they are workin gon changes, then I would come to a new agreement that allows them to work on it somehow.

But to answer your question - still your decision.

As a grandparent, I would be devastated if I could no longer see my grandchildren. Let them keep in contact with them, just monitor the situation without turning your children against them.

I think you should allow the e-mail communication as long as the communication is "nice". Just continue to monitor the situation. The adult conflicts don't always have to involve the children. Your fear is that there will be guilt and manipulation involved, but so far that hasn't happened. If it does start to happen, certainly that is something you will have to deal with when the time comes. But for now, no harm is being done.
As your kids get older, they will likely ask you why you yourselves have no communication with the grandparents.
Even if you keep the kids from communicating, there will come a time you can't stop them. They may resent you for years lost and God forbid something happens to their grandparents.
As long as they are respectfully communicating and there's no parent bashing going on, I don't see why your kids shouldn't be allowed to communicate.
The relationship you and your husband have had with them might turn out to be completely different than the relationship the kids can have with them.

I am hoping so.
Best wishes!

Thats how families are . Life isnt all in agreement with what one person thinks if you teach your children to respect others. and the values you feel are right then you shouldnt have to worry about the things your family feels are right. Take what you agree with and ignore the rest and let them know that you are making choices you think are right for your family and need them to respect that , with out judgement. But DONT underestimate how much these grandparents love thier grandchildren. Unless they are abusive and hurtful instead of just giving their opinion, figure out how to get along

Of course I am not aware of the history of the past 20 years, but it seems that this could be an attempt on their part to mend fences and have a relationship. Perhaps you might consider doing the same.

The oldest are 10 so I would still be making the decisions for them. Do they have their own email accounts? I would either way screen all emails coming in. If the guilt trips start up delete them if they are still nice let them read them.

The truth is that a relationship with one's grandparents can be a very healthy and beneficial thing. Only you know your situation and whether or not what I am about to suggest would work, but I think it is worth a shot before completely cutting someone out of your life. I have some unhealthy and manipulative in-laws, so I know of what I speak.

Sometimes we can get caught in a trap of thinking we have to put up with someone's unhealthy behavior, or cut off all contact. It can feel like those are the only options. Especially if you have been raised with those kind of unhealthy relationships, it really can seem like the only 2 choices. The best option, truly, is to learn to set very good boundaries with the unhealthy people so that their behavior doesn't suck you into unhealthiness with them. If it's something you could learn to do, it would be an amazing lesson to teach your children. People can only manipulate us if we let them. My in-laws can try to manipulate me all day long, but I just won't have any of it anymore. I don't engage them or fight about it, I just clearly state what I am willing to do and leave it at that. I am always very pleasant, but I refuse to engage with them. And I don't let what they say about me or think about me bother me at all. They may not like the choices I make, but I frankly don't care. I know they are unhealthy, so why would I care what they think?

I think that you need to think about the relationship your children have had with their grandparents. Have you seen them trying to manipulate the kids? In my situation, the manipulation usually stops with the adults, but my kids are still pretty young. If it is severe & directed at the kids, I would probably cut off contact. But if it's rare & fairly mild, and if your children enjoy their relationship, then I would use it as a learning experience with my kids to help them learn some boundaries of their own.

I might even suggest some counseling if you have the means to do it. You & your husband could learn some good strategies of how to set good boundaries. If counseling isn't an option, I know there are some really good books out there on the subject. You may find that it is actually very healing to learn how to set boundaries with unhealthy people. It's a kind of healing that is much more difficult to achieve when you just cut off the unhealthy relationship. Good luck to you!

You need to always be protective of your children. However, it is their grandparents, and your kids know deep down the situation. I had a grandma that did nothing for us and every time we went over she would show us everything she was making for this cousin or that cousin...etc. My in-laws have been terrible too, and we stepped back, no communication, and they realized that they were wrong and are trying to make up for it. Yes, they still cannot hold their tongues sometimes and they can be very abrasive, rude, and mean, but mostly now they are trying. With lack of communication, they probably realized they made a mistake and are trying to fix it with your children before it's to late. Just make sure you are keeping a watchful eye on the emails and overhearing the conversations so you have peace of mind and can stop anything before it gets to far.