We just spent the past 4 months paying down bills and this is the last pay cycle where we are going to be broke.
I was expecting to get $200 from insurance money but it turns out that I didn't get it after all. Instead of using our rent money to buy Christmas gifts, I'm pretty sure the gifts can wait another week for the next pay cycle.
Anyways, my husband doesn't agree with this. He thinks we should just buy the gifts and tell the landlord that the rest of the rent will come 3 days after on the payday. He told me I'm selfish and cold. He said all of the stores are going to be empty next week.
He says I'm heartless and cold because we didn't do a whole lot for the baby's birthday so we have to make it special for her this time. He said I must not care about the child too much.
I can't believe this. I don't know what to do. I feel so undervalued in this family.
I talked to my husband again about all of this and he said he's resentful of me because he hates where we live and he doesn't want anything to do with this place and he wants to move back to where his family lives. I don't like it here either but I don't see what the mad rush is and I don't know where all this money for moving is going to come from. Then he says his family. But I don't see him on the phone asking his dad for 5k (plane tickets and shipping).
He said that by living where we are living we are taking away special moments and occations from him because there's no family around or friends who have kids. He said he hates it and we're doing a disservice to the baby. He said he wants to hurry back because of school registrations. I don't understand why you can't do it from afar.
You care about the child because you're concerned with keeping a roof over her head! How old is she? Will she even notice that Christmas us a week late? Or could you do a small stocking for her on Christmas and gifts the following week?
Baby. You said "baby." Meaning, this is a child who has no idea how to read a calendar?
I'm sorry you married a jerk. You are the glue holding it all together.
What's more important? Having something under the tree for the baby or having a roof over the baby's head?
Rent (or mortgage, when applicable) is one of the very top priorities. It comes just under keeping yourself fed.
The thought process that your husband has is not unusual at all. But it is also part of the reason why households get behind on their bills. It plays a part in long-term financial struggles. I help people make budgets and plans for getting and staying out of debt. I see this all.the.time.
Who doesn't want to choose something pleasant when possible? However, he has to remember that he is an adult and behave accordingly. A child does what feels good, and adult does what is right. Doing something that is right is more important that doing something that feels good.
You call your child 'baby' so if are you talking about a literal baby or toddler, they don't remember anything about Christmas or birthdays. Celebration with wee ones is entirely about the adult's pleasure at that stage.
It's too late this year, but here is advice to him for 2016. Christmas is a fixed and predictable event. It is always in December. If you want to have $200 to spend on it, set aside just $4.20 per week January through November and you you'll have it.
My advice to you is this - when one person in the marriage has stress from financial insecurity and the other person is causing that insecurity, resentment will build up over time and eventually explode. Your marriage will not survive this kind of thing in the long term. You must also acknowledge that he is manipulative at best, but possibly verbally/emotionally abusive. That's not okay either. Consider the example that your marriage will set for your child(ren) when old enough to notice the interaction. If you wouldn't want your baby to be in the shoes you're wearing now, change your shoes.
Your baby needs a roof over her head. You pay the rent. Your husband needs to learn to prioritize and to be patient. A baby doesn't know when her birthday is or Christmas is. She has no idea what presents are. She doesn't need a big fuss and she doesn't need you to put her future into cheap gifts from Walmart. She needs parents with priorities. I'm sure your husband is feeling the pinch but why can't he wait for the next pay cycle? Who told him the stores will be empty? They are bustling on Christmas Eve, for crying out loud. And calling his wife heartless and cold? You don't buy the baby's love, and you don't prove your with THINGS - I am sorry for you, and for her, that he doesn't understand that.
ETA: From your SWH response, I feel that your husband has not grown up and become and adult. How do you think military families manage to do this yearly? They make friends where they are and celebrate the holidays together away from the main or extended family. If and when he gets back home, things will have changed from what he remembers and it will not be the same.
You have a choice of staying with this man or making it on your own. The choice is up to you. However, you are going to have to grow a backbone and do what is needed to be done and to do it. Find a way to get more education for yourself so that you can provide for your child. Don't have any more kids with this guy.
Original: The bills come first. You need a place to live. Christmas can be any day or time of the year. If the child is under the age of 5 they will not know the difference. Besides too many gifts and the child doesn't play with much of anything.
Get out of debt and do your best to stay out of debt. Plan ahead and do an old fashioned savings account for Christmas and you will have the money.
Perhaps a few trips to the marriage counselor are in order.
Merry Christmas to you and yours.
the other S.
Is it just you, your husband and a baby? Is the baby still an infant?
Christmas can be anytime, anywhere.
What makes a baby's life special (and any child, for that matter) is a family that shows love and devotion and kindness. Those families will look very different from each other - they may be formed by adoption, by foster care, by blending two families together, or by birth. They will be all colors, ancestries, and religions. They may have two moms, or one mom, or two dads, or one dad, or no mom or no dad, or a dad and mom, and there may be lots of extended family members or just a few or none. They may be rich or poor or in between. They may be dealing with chronic illnesses or disabilities, or they may have perfect health and not ever have a cavity or a pimple or a strand of hair out of place. Their table may be spread with cheap bread and peanut butter from the food pantry at the local shelter, or it may be laden with expensive gourmet delicacies, or it may hold treasured family recipes.
But the families that matter, the ones that make a baby or child (or grown-up) happy, the ones that make a holiday or a Tuesday afternoon or a middle of the night special, are the ones who give and receive kindness and compassion and love - to each other and to those whom they encounter in their daily lives.
It sounds as though your husband doesn't understand what "special" is. It's not how much you spent on the gifts, or how decorated your house is, or a date on a calendar. It's finding joy and showing love regardless of the circumstances. I hope your husband learns this soon.
Necessary and mandatory bills always come first, that means rent.
You pay the rent on time and in full before you buy gifts.
Building and maintaining good credit and good standing and rebuilding any damaged credit takes priority over any extras like gifts.
The best way to show you love your child is to keep a roof over their head, running water and lights on, food on the table and clothing to keep them warm and comfortable. Anything else is not as important.
Your husband needs to grow up and be an adult! He needs to accept that he's got a family and responsibilities that have to be taken care of first and foremost.
There are many ways to show love this season that don't cost money or cost very little. Take a walk and look at people's decorations. Bake some cookies together. Rent some holiday movies and pop some popcorn and have a movie night.
A real man pays his bills and takes care of his family first.
So does a real woman.
And in America there is no such thing as an "empty store" unless we are in end times, or some other natural disaster or military occupation.
I don't know who you married but he sounds ignorant and irresponsible and I think you should take your baby and return to your family and friends.
Who the fu*k wants to be with a man who thinks presents are more important than food and shelter?!
shelter this rent always comes first! And baby ? If your child is really a baby or toddler - guess what they don't know when Christmas is - it's whenever you tell them
Z., immediately before you posted this, you posted a different question saying that you and your husband have problems that you and he seem unable to discuss, and you try to discuss them with family members who don't want to hear it.
That post and this one are just two sides of the same coin -- can you recognize that? You and your husband do not think alike or have the same priorities, and having the same priorities (in this case, the priority of NOT ending up homeless with a baby) is crucial, even if you are two very different human beings.
On the immediate issue of the rent, be "heartless" as he so immaturely puts it, and pay the rent. Period. If he confuses "caring for the child" with giving presents, he is indeed a very immature child of a husband.
Please see your own earlier post and get counseling immediately. Don't wait. Look at what I wrote in reply to that other post, about how to find some counseling if you cannot afford to just pay for a counselor, and it sounds like you definitely cannot. If you let things drag on, the next post will be about how you lost your home and then how you should file for divorce with no resources for a lawyer....
He's calling you names ("selfish and cold") and belittling you. If he does it to you he WILL eventually do it with your child when the baby gets older and isn't as cute to him, and doesn't always do just what daddy wants, or makes decisions as a teen that daddy says are wrong. And the cycle will go on and on. This isn't about birthdays or Christmases or even about rent; it's about being married to a man who is so immature, or so self-centered, or both, that he is not functioning as a real husband and father. Counseling, now, for you alone if not as a couple, and at the same time, start making a plan for what you'd do if you left him.
oh, sweetie. i'm so, so sorry. i don't know what to say about a man this stupid. and mean.
you are absolutely right. even if the gifts come AFTER christmas you are right.
if the gifts don't come at all, you are still right.
i'm so glad that someone in your family is modeling responsibility. i'm sorry you're married to someone who is not only fiscally irresponsible, but who uses a particularly nasty brand of emotional blackmail to attempt to manipulate you.
don't allow this.
do whatever you have to do (spiritual practice, meditation, hugging trees, counseling, support groups, reading the right books, martial arts) to keep your good boundaries and sanity in place. it's very hard to do when you're living with someone who should be your partner and your support but who is sabotaging and undermining you. remember your own bedrock ethical structure, keep yourself sane and calm, and show your child by example how adults are supposed to behave.
i hope you have a wonderful christmas despite your challenges.
i kick your stupid, mean husband right in the kneecap with a steel-toed pointy boot.
ETA your SWH still indicates a babyman who is pouting, putting his family at financial risk and having tantrums in your direction because he's in a snit. did you drag him to live where you live? he can whine and want all he wants, but he's got a wife and a baby and sniveling about his little wants (and then trying to make out that it's about the baby's 'special moments') and expecting you to somehow magically figure it all out is borderline psychotic.
but now that i'm reminded of your prior posts, i suspect it's not nearly this black and white.
what IS clear is that resentment is rampant on both sides. this is a toxic, toxic household. for the baby's sake if nothing else (and neither of you seem mature enough to want or work for a healthy relationship between yourselves) you need to get some help.
khairete
S.
Pay the rent.
The best gift you can give your children is the gift a good example. You pay your debts , on time if possible, because that is what you are obligated to do. And if he believes that presents are what make one a good parent, then I have to say he is poor indeed.
Read "The Gift of the Magi" by O. Henry and remind the whole family what giving is supposed to mean.
Obviously rent is more important, and baby will be just as content to play with wrapping paper :) I think you'll find we all agree here.
I do like Veruca's advice. With all of this, you are the glue holding this together. You don't seem happy in your marriage or at work, and have no one to turn to. That's hard. And you mention in all your posts (I read back a few) you vent to your husband about work, about him to friends and family, you vent about your best friend here .. (she was too cozy with him, etc.).
Sometimes what we need to change is ourselves. I had to around your age - I was a few years out of university and I had made kind of passive decisions (just stuck with what I ended up with) and wasn't happy. Started complaining. Became pretty negative. No one wanted to listen ( who would?) and it wasn't until I left a very long relationship (we didn't have a child, but we did have a home and car, etc.) that everyone rallied behind me. I had total support once I took a step for me. I had felt like you - no one understood, no one cared (kind of a pity party) and when I did something (who else is going to?) my friends were there, my confidence went up, and I started building the life that I wanted. Not what my jerk guy wanted. I applied for positions I was really interested in, not ones that I just ended up in. I went for it.
It's a whole other way of looking at life, but it's the one you need to take in order to be happy. I really do think therapy is the way to go. I didn't have it at the time - I had watched Oprah (back in the day) and got motivated from watching her do a show on self empowerment. You do have choices. It may seem hard, but it's not. That's what was so shocking. When you take positive steps it's actually much easier than sticking with what's negative and not working.
Good luck to you :) Just something to think about. Otherwise, you might end up exactly in this same spot a year from now, and you deserve more right?
I don't understand why this is an issue either. I assume you are aware when Christmas happens so why didn't you skip your accelerated payoff in November so you had money to buy Christmas gifts and have sometime in January be your last cycle to be broke?
You both sound like you have no concept of how to manage money.
Kind of laughing about the people that have read her other answers looking to see if her husband is a dick but didn't catch that this "baby" is either 2 years and something or just born depending on the question you read! If you can't remember how old your child is or how long you have worked for a bad company chances are you are a troll. I have noticed they have very bad memories.
If your child is a baby then it's your husband who needs all the expensive hoopla, not the child. Good for you for being responsible and paying down your debts! Sounds like you guys don't have credit card. I'm not into shopping or debt, but in a case like this I might charge a few gifts to shut the hubby up. But if you can't, don't beat yourself up. You are correct, you can do a little shopping next week. American stores are never empty, what planet is he on? Also, you can pile up a lot of old toys for $20 from thrifts stores.
Anyone accusing you of not caring about your child because you're not going into debt on material things has big issues. I'm so sorry to hear someone laying that kind of guilt on you when he should be thankful for your frugal, selfless, responsible nature. Sounds like he needs to work toward a higher income where he can afford all the holiday stuff he wants "for the baby".
Gift do not need to cost a lot of money and maybe that is something your husband needs to figure out. Has he not seen the Grinch? "Maybe Christmas doesn't come from a store, maybe, just maybe, it means more". Rent and bills always need to come first, just do what you can to make the holiday special in ways you can afford. Maybe make decorations together, or bake some simple cookies. Work with what you have already. Also, see if there are local charities that can help, like the Angle tree or Toys for Tots.
Blessed Be you and Yours.
A baby needs a roof over his/her head more than a bauble or two, don't you think?
Before you start paying down bills down, you need an emergency fund in the bank. For EMERGENCIES. A "baby emergency fund" is $1000. A fully funded emergency fund is 3-6 months of total living expenses. Either way, you'd be covered if you had O..
Edited to add after your SWH: Your husband is making up all kinds of reasons for being unhappy and blaming them all on you. I really recommend that you talk to a marriage counselor and tell him that if he wants you to consider moving AT ALL, that he has to go to counseling with you.
Original:
This is just plain all about him. Look back on your previous questions. You have problems all the way around with him. Why would this be any different?
You need to decide if you want to continue putting up with this marriage. I highly urge you to talk to a divorce lawyer (the first session is usually free) and find you how to protect yourself from his reckless financial decisions. You might think that you can't afford this, but you can't afford not to.
You have a baby who is too young to know anything about gifts. It's ridiculous to spend money you don't have on "stuff".
Stick to your guns and tell him that he'll hurt the baby more by being in debt.
Um, rent first.
A roof over your head is IMPORTANT - and Christmas without one is a whole other experience.
After reading a few posts about your husband, there is only one conclusion I can come to:
You need to plan your escape, take the kid(s) and LEAVE.
Seriously - talk to a women s shelter and come up with a plan.
You need to leave and you need to file for divorce.
This is no way to raise kids - you and they are all better off without him.
The timing sucks and sounds like your husband was hoping to celebrate Christmas with some cheer and a few presents. But rather than tell you directly how disappointed he is about the timing and how it makes him feel like he's missing out, he turns it all around and blames you and makes you feel like the bad guy/wife/scrooge just intent on spoiling the holiday's, when in fact he probably contributed to the debt.
You get this. He does not.
You will undoubtedly live with this behaviour escalating significantly, the blaming you for not caring about his need, the baby's special events, etc. Unless he is willing to delay gratification, like you, and shop a week later when the stores are still loaded with stuff at significant reductions, you will be having this arguement regularly.
I hope you can influence this dynamic now to lead to more understanding about how to buy and pay back. Otherwise Z., you're in for a very long financial battle.
Merry Christmas, and no holiday should manipulate into going broke or not paying off your bills.
Can he have $50 to buy his ladies things? That might help him feel valued and more in the mood.
I hate to say this but your husband kind of needs to learn how this works. We need a roof over our heads. Period. His idea about waiting three days and then paying the rent would be wonderful if it works. In my case I get a thirty two dollar late fee tagged onto a decision like that. Ouch. Second you didn't say how old your child is. If this child is an infant they will not notice if they don't get presents. In fact I would think up to about three or four they really do fine even if they just get a little dollar store gift. And well, empty stores? In California? yikes You are definitely not heartless and cold. Simply sensible and protective of your family and much like me, you sound like you are able to be hurt by him. My thoughts: I'd no longer even discuss the issue. And if you are person who takes care of the bills pay the rent or let him assume all responsibility for it.
Well, if she/he is a baby it really doesn't matter so obviously it'd be better to pay your rent. You could even get something nice for a good deal since it's after the holiday. I understand that your husband wants to have it for the day, but the baby will never know. Besides, aren't grandparents giving gifts?
I'd advise trying to buy some things throughout the year or saving for Christmas. The most important thing is to celebrate with love together in peace and make your heart a dwelling place for Christ to enter. I hope you enjoy your holidays.
You are 100% correct. Your husband's priorities are way out of whack!
Your baby is still a baby, right? Not much more than a year old? Babies that age have no idea what Christmas is. You can wrap boxes of diapers and put them under the tree and your baby will be happy. If she can rip paper and play with the box, she'll think it's a great day. Please do not jeopardize your living situation for presents, especially at this age where she truly won't know the difference.
ETA: Ok, so this isn't about presents at all. This is about you and your DH needing marriage counselling. Do you and/or your husband have benefits through work? If so, they usually include a number of session with a therapist. Please check on this, and use those sessions to try to work through the problems in your marriage.
(And, by the way, plenty of kids grow up perfectly happy without relatives near by. Many many people do not live in their hometowns)
hello, if you baby is still in fact a little baby, then he/she won't know the difference in terms of gifts, even toddlers don't.. the best gift you can give your family, whether your husband sees it this way or not, is getting and staying out of debt. you might remind your husband that as long as you are indebted financially, then your options become much less.. If your getting out of debt means foregoing material items, then so be it.. For now, it's the essentials that count. I think paying rent is more important than buying Christmas gifts. your husband seems to have this notion that the landlord should waive the rent or accept it late, but why.... that's not right and no way to conduct business matters.. You are doing the right thing, keep your rent paid up, your debt down... to nothing.. also, IF you truly want to get the baby something, then this is just a suggestion, but there are MANY fire departments and churches who offer toy drives, sign up for me.. no harm in that.. Now, I don't know what your husband does for a living, but again, just a suggestion.. there is lots of holiday work, maybe he do a part-time evening gig or whenever and earn a little extra cash... I know plenty of people who have done this, including places like Sees Candy, they need all kinds of the people to help pack the chocolate or even office workers are needed part-time because so many are on vacation at that time, so they need people to fill in... until the permanent employees come back.. it needn't be a long time commitment, just enough to get a couple extra bucks..
something to think about
good luck.. and remember, you are making a WISE choice to get out of debt..
blessings
