Communication with Your Husband's Ex Wife

As much as I understand not wanting her to have it, I think she needs it. I would want to be able to reach anyone who is a caregiver for my child. However, I think some ground rules are in order. If it becomes a problem, you could look at an alternative, like getting the kids cell phones with limited access. But I want to be able to contact anyone who has my kids, I would imagine you feel the same.

....is like nails on a chalkboard. I would have just told her you want to run it by the husband first. And see what he thinks.
It can really be a pandoras box you don't want to open. He knows her best. If she the type of person that will cause conflict and/or friction in the marriage. Then a polite...we don't think it's best.

It's a package deal. You got your husband, his ex, his kid with that ex and all the stuff that comes with it.
I see no reason why she should have your number, any contact with the kid can be done thru her ex. Unless he isn't known for being proactive. The age of the child is relevant as well.
I actually talk to wife's ex more than she does. I stay at home so logistics with their kids is often on my shoulders. He and I work out a lot of stuff thru texts and minimal phone calls.
I may have contradicted myself, but every situation is different.

I absolutely think you should have each other's phone numbers. You need to be able to talk to her in an emergency situation. Your stepson should be able to call her from your house if he wants or needs to. There may be an issue at school that you need to talk about, or a need to switch which days you have the child. You'd need to be able to contact her if something happened to your husband.

Regardless of what the custody situation turns out to be, you both will have the child at some point each week/month. Therefore, you must be able to reach other. You don't have to be best friends and call to gossip every day, but you certainly need to be able to get a hold of one another when needed.

Honestly, I can't believe you would even consider not giving her your number.

I think you need to protect your relationship with your husband first. If he's ok with it then you can give her your number. I was in communication with my husbands ex more than he was regarding their daughter and he was relieved. There was too much history between them and things could get ugly fast. I was a mediator of sorts but my husband knew undoubtlly where my loyalties were. She still calls occasionally even though their daughter is grown.

Make sure you are very careful as another poster has said. This will be a proving ground to see if it's about the children involved or if it's about custody issues. You know the quote: keep your friends close and your enemies closer. She will be one of those. ;)

God bless you as you try to be an instrument of peace in this situation.

L.

sure. i'd want everyone connected with the care of the child to be able to get in touch with each other. do you think she's going to harass you? if that's the case maybe not, but just being 'verbal' isn't a reason. you can always just not pick up if you're afraid she's just going to talk your head off, and have her leave you a voice mail.
khairete
S.

Yes she should have your number (cell, work) because you have her child some of the time. She should not be discussing child matters with you, though, only with him. If it's a question of what time someone is picking up the child, or something like "I forgot to tell you that Jimmy had a temp this morning and could you please check it and pick up some Tylenol," that's fine and reasonable and responsible. Anything related to childrearing, or visitation, or who lists the child as a dependent on the tax return, or what a jerk she thinks your husband is? No. Stay out of it. Your stock answer should be, "This is between you and John." If you get any nasty voice mails or texts, save them for the lawyer. If she is calling excessively during your visits and wants to keep talking to her son, your husband should handle it with legal advice.

Does your husband have an attorney to help with these issues? I'd ask the attorney before giving her your number.

I would not get in the middle of the relationship between your husband and his ex. I cannot see ANY good in it. More like a "no good deed goes unpunished" deal, to be honest. Anything you say to her, she could misconstrue and use against you with the court or with your husband and cause you problems.

Wait until all the legal issues are resolved before giving her your phone number. (Unless the attorney says differently.)

Of course she should have your number. Don't you get the phone numbers of other parents when you have your children play at someone else's house? Are her children ever in your care without your husband? Assuming they are, of course she should be able to reach you. This is a perfectly reasonable request that you are turning into something sinister.

My SD's mother and I had each others' phone numbers from the get-go. I've probably spoken to her maybe 5 times in 13 years but they were all times that were important from a logistics standpoint.

Is there any other communication she can use? How old is this child? Can his father's number be provided to her instead? How often is this kid in your care? Etc. You have a right to boundaries. If you don't feel that she would use it properly, and she can communicate with her son via his father, then that's what her ex should give her. You did not say she wanted it for an emergency. You said she wanted it "to keep in contact with their son". So why YOU and not DH?

I have had very little communication with the sks' BM directly and she was not the type of person I wanted a relationship with. We kept a land line and if she could not reach the kids on their own phones, she used the house line like everyone else. The kids also called her on that line if they were not able to use another phone. I did occasionally receive a call from the kids via their mom's phone so I had the number (and she had mine) but she did not call me directly, nor did I call her. I only kept the number in case of an emergency. Keeping in contact did not involve me.

If you think she would call or text or involve you in things that are really to be handled by your husband, then I would proceed very very cautiously. They're going through a contentious time and you and your children do not need to be dragged into it. Even if you only see her at drop offs or pickups, practice saying, "That is between you and DH" if she tries to reel you in. I firmly disagree with the person who thinks that you should allow her to dump on you about your husband. She needs to find a friend to do that, not his wife.

RE: weekend visitation or such, that is between the parents. Your DH should talk to you to make sure you don't have a conflict, but it's not your job to arrange his time with his child with his ex. They need to communicate and if they can't talk nicely on the phone, that's what email is for. I helped raise my SD from the time she was 6 and never had a need for weekly communication with her mother.

ETA: if she knows that a legal battle is coming, I find her timing suspicious. So keep your eyes peeled and very firm boundaries!

I would prefer to have communication with her versus her calling my husband. This way, you can decide if exchanging a weekend visitation is good--or if you two will buy a certain birthday gift, or if yes, you will babysit the child so mom can go out on a date.

So, my answer is yes!

Yes, you should certainly exchange numbers. If it were me, I would do it in person with your husband standing next to you, so you can politely place any necessary boundaries (eg. "I'm at work from 8-5 so if you need to contact me right away, please leave a voicemail and I'll check it right away"). Don't ever get into a situation where she can play you against your husband. Always ensure that if she texts you or calls, you forward that information right on to him.

Best of luck.

I guess you have to think about what kind of person she is. My ex and even my ex's mother (my son is extremely close to her and spends more time with her then his dad) have both my husband's and mine for emergencies. Neither have flown off the handle or used our numbers for the wrong reasons.

When you say verbal do you mean she likes to talk or do you mean she is extremely rude? If it's she just likes to talk then.....what could hurt? But if it turns into anything custody related then just remind her why you gave her your number.

My son by marriage's mom doesn't have my number. She is literally crazy and it just wouldn't be good for either of us. She did have her son's number but she hasn't really been in touch with him for almost 3 years. He's older so the judge gave her telephonic visitation unless he wanted to see her in which case we would be responsible for selecting a neutral place to facilitate the meeting.

If ex-wife isn't crazy, all adults should do what is in the best interest of the kid/kids and allow the kid/kids to naturally develop a relationship with each of the parents involved. Of course this would happen in a perfect world but we don't live in a perfect world.

If I were in your shoes I probably wouldn't have a problem with her having my number. I'm one of those people that feel no obligation to answer a phone just because it rings and I'm also one of those people who may or may not listen to my messages in a timely manner. I don't allow anyone to get on my nerves where my phone is involved. LOL.

Ultimately I let my husband deal with her and I step in when he may strangle her crazy self. I can also be calming and the voice of reason. Her having certain negative preconcieved notions about who I am helps keep her out of our lives. Again LOL.

My husband's ex and myself have ongoing contact via text messages and email. My hope for your family is that there is no battle and that the differences between parents are resolved quickly.

You can be an adult right? If she wants to dump on him while talking to you she's only feeling the woman thing. I'd just try and make it as painless as possible for both of you. She may not have anyone that will listen too. Be patient with her. She may say things to you that she won't tell anyone else too.