Completely Indecisive 2 Year Old

You're right, she's just being 2. She's trying to see how much of her environment she has control of. Simply stick with the first thing she asked for, whether she throws a fit or not. It will help her think about her choice before she makes it.

This is part of being 2! She is learning that she has control of her environment and is testing just how much she can do. Now you have to show her what is the appropriate way to ask for that change and why it won't or will happen. She's got a voice, a vocabulary and she's putting the pieces together. Help her put things together appropriately and don't be afraid to give her consequences for her behaviors, good ones and bad ones. Ask her questions before you do things, like bath time, if you can delay it or move it up by 5 minutes (seems like an enternity to a 2 yr old!) Is she ready to get down from her chair? Let her know when she's down, she's down... is there something else she'd like to do while she's there. Small nuances, but big deals, small choices but you have some control of the outcomes.

This is a prelude to her being 12-14 years old. You'll look back on these days and call them the 'good ol' days'!!!

She's not indecisive at all. She's very decisive, and exercising her ability to affect her environment by directing the people in it.

There is a fine line between giving her choices to empower her and giving in so often that she develops bad relationship habits. It's not an "either/or" situation, it's "when and how much."

This is a frustrating age for kids. They are beginning to realize that they are separate beings with separate desires, but they continually get scheduled, managed, manipulated, ordered around, and sometimes not even treated as if they are people. It is as tiring for them as it would be for you or I.

So I would take stock of the different areas in which she keeps changing her mind, and pick a few in which you can be lenient. I have found that when I indulge and empower my nearly-3 grandboy as often as possible, his frustration level is lower and he is much more cooperative in those areas where I am unwilling to flex so much.

For example, I can be delighted at his mercurial nature while we play or work on a project, but I am assertive when it's time to go potty or when I don't want him to run into the street. And he gets it. He quickly learns the difference and knows where he can direct me and where I direct him.

I hear moms say to "pick your battles." I don't see children as combatants, and I worry that that language sets parents up for serious misunderstanding. So I prefer to think of choosing sane boundaries, and being kind, playful and respectful toward our little ones.

My son is about to turn 3, and he's been doing this for a couple of months now. I'll ask him if he wants to help make dinner, he'll say no, he's playing with his toys, then he'll freak out that he didn't get to help after dinner's done.

I've started just explaining very clearly that he's making a choice, and that he won't get to do both things. If he cries about it once it's too late, I explain it again and don't cave into his demands.

It's a phase. Everything's a phase.

Mine is the exact same way (boy, though). I have found that one thing that aides in some ways is to not provide a lot of options. I used to try and give him the option of what to wear, so that he would feel like it was his decision to get dressed, and wouldn't argue so much... but this led to worse indecision. I do give him some options, but not too many. He gets overwhelmed with decision-making.
He does the same thing in the bath- where he wants out, but then when you take him out, he gets mad. I think we just need to wait the stage out. But, I also think that guiding through decisions is important... I haven't mastered it yet. hhmmm.

Once again, I agree COMPLETELY with Peg M. :)

Another thing, too:

My mother told me when my son was first starting to pull away & test out his independence (yep, another happy phrase for "not listening", "throwing tantrums", "refusing any kind of comfort", the great and almighty "NO!", and the infamous "I HATE you/it/that/them")....

"They push you away...but they always come running back. Sometime clinging so hard and reverting to baby-like behavior that you almost want to push them away. Don't. Don't get angry when they pull away...and don't push THEM away when they come back. They want to be independent...but then it's like it occurs to them that if they're independent they might lose you forever. It takes years and years for them to realize they can be BIG and have mommy, too. It happens naturally as children develop and it happens on cue whenever there's any kind of stress to act like a big kid (birth of a sibling, starting school, whathaveyou). Incidentally how LONG it takes them to come running back to cuddle in your lap changes for each child. For you...you'd pull away for months and then ATTACH yourself to my leg for about a week. Just when I was starting to get used to being able to cuddle with my baby again you'd shove me away. Your sister, on the other hand, would pull away for a week and then cling for a few months. It was HARD both kinds of ways. There's never anything easy about it...but you both grew up knowing I'd always be her for you, no matter what."

And she still is. Thanks Mum!

~Z.

Congratulations! Your daughter has begun to learn that she can make choices and is discovering her autonomy! The frustrating part is that she is not yet very accomplished at making choices, so she still needs some help. If you narrow her options for her it will help a lot.
Also, I noticed what you wrote about DH being a "fun" Daddy. I read that studies have shown that in every culture of the world, children seek out their Mothers for nurture and comfort and their Fathers for playtime. It's the way of the world, I'm afraid! It's not just your husband, it's the way it is everywhere. I am at least glad that I am the one who gets the big hugs when there are scraped knees and such.
Blessings to you and yours! :)

This is a combination of a couple things. One, she has too many choices that she is allowed to make, and it is overwhelming. Second, she is realizing how many options there really are, and she has no way of thinking far enough ahead to know which one she really wants. And third, she is having a case of buyers remorse, or the grass is greener on the other side.
Try giving her less choices, or easier choices. Instead of "are you all done in the bath", ask "do you want to get out now or after one more game?" Instead of "are you all done eating", ask "are you ready to go read a book?"

Congratulations, your daughter is completely normal! She is learning cause and effect, and the consequences of her own actions. She is learning how to make decisions, so as long as her decisions are safe and within the rules, allow her to suffer the consequences. If she decides to leave the table before she is full, she will be hungry until the next meal/snack. Just follow through on it, and don't let her keep switching back and forth, or she'll just get confused and frustrated. Praise her for making good choices ("It's a good thing you wore your rain boots today so you can splash in the puddles") and when she makes bad choices, give her suggestions for a better choice next time ("You wanted to wear your sandals in the rain, so now your feet are cold, wet, and muddy. Maybe you should choose your rain boots tomorrow.)

This is a life lesson with far reaching implications later in life (choosing a partner or a job) so take the time to teach your daughter how to make smart choices.

There is a principle that works very well with everyone and especially with children. It is that if something is so firmly denied that the person sees no possibility of ever having it, they will soon cease to desire it. However, if it is not very firmly denied, they will keep trying. Kind of like my cat who was never allowed inside and she finally got over trying to get in. She'd even stand near the open door and watch, but wouldn't try to get in anymore.

So what I would do in this case is give her a swat (if you aren't against a swat; if you do it before you get angry and frustrated, you won't be lashing out and it can be very effective. You can probably get the same results--with more time and effort--without the swat if you are willing to invest the time to see the battle through; swats speed up the process considerably). So give her one firm swat and put her in the corner until she calms down. You can tell her in the process what she did wrong, but don't expect her to understand it all the first time. I do it out of principle, but I don't waste time with long explanations. Something like, "That was because you were screaming. Now you can stand in the corner until you calm down." She'll figure out what you meant from the context after a couple of repeats. Then I would do the opposite of what she wants until she surrenders to me and can be happy wherever I put her.

For instance: Suppose she starts screaming to get out of the chair. I would give her one swat (calmly) and put her in the corner for a time out which would last until she has calmed down--even if it takes more than 2 minutes. At 2 she's perfectly in control of her emotions, so once she realizes she's not going to get anywhere by screaming she'll calm down. Then I would put her back in the chair and tell her to stay there. If she starts screaming to get back in, I would do the same thing, only this time I would end by putting her on my lap to finish the meal. Repeat as necessary. If you are consistent the first few times, you won't have many battles and each one will be shorter than the one before; if you give her wiggle room, the battles will always be long.

Now, in my case my 2yo doesn't scream, but she does sometimes get rather demanding. I don't swat for that, but I do redirect. If she's saying, "Up, up, up, up, up," etc, I would stop her and tell her to say "Up, please." When she says "Up, please," then I put her up, not before, but only if she does it cheerfully. If she doesn't do it cheerfully, I tell her she can't get up now, and then deal with her as necessary. Sometimes she'll just resign herself to it, other times it will be more of a battle.

You might be able to get more ideas from www.raisinggodlytomatoes.com

T.,

My daughter is almost 20 months and does the same thing. She'll sign that she wants down from her meal, but as soon as we get up to get her down, she takes another bite. Or we get her down, and she still wants to eat.

I usually tell her: no honey, you got down, that means that you're all done. You can have more at <insert next meal/snack here>. With the bath I do the same thing, although she refuses to get out most nights. "Bath time is all done, the water got you all clean, now it's time to say bye-bye." or some such.

Hope this helps,
Melissa

She sounds like she is testing you to see what you will allow. She is trying to find the boundarie, what is ok and what is not, what she can get away with, etc... When she says she wants down, remind her that if she gets down, she is staying down until next meal. Ask her if she is really done, or does she want more? If she asks to get back up, remind her that she said she was done. Then redirect her to something else. Read a book, ask her about stuff, get out a toy she likes, get her coloring, etc... When she has a fit, walk away. When she calms down, go comfort her and redict her again.
Blessings,
J.

Nope, sounds just like my daughter... It frustrates me to the very ends of my nerves. She is 2.5 and it seems to even be worse at times. I try to make her live with her decisions and use words not winning. Beyond that I think it just takes time for thier attention span and consern for others to grow. I feel with you!

Yes, sounds like another 2yo stage. We have managed to curb them by reminding our 2yo that he asked to get out of the bath. Then tell him maybe next time you can stay in longer if you want. We also have started handing him more responsibility, with his choice making. For instance after bath when a fit is coming on, we ask him to help pick out his PJs, or maybe put the towel away. This usually redirects their attention and we avoid the fit entirely. The big thing is their are learning to make choices, but still testing limits. If I say out, and mommy takes me out but I want back in can I get it?! Just remember those times our LOs were throwing toys on the floor to see if we would pick them up... Time outs have also worked for extreme fits in which he is just to caught up in getting his way and redirecting is not working.

It's about control...she is trying to have ALL the control. I have found it's best to let her feel like she has a healthy amount of control, but offering two good choices whenever you can...WOuld you like to wear the red shirt or the blue shirt? The yellow cup or the pink cup? A fork or a spoon? If she is strong willed like my daughter, she will try to insist that wants both options or a 3rd choice that wasn't even offered! But, you have to stick to the two choices. If she puts up a fight, tell her that you will be making the choice this time and hopefully next time she will be able to make the choice. Good luck!

I have nothing to add because I'm going through the exact same thing. The last two days has been exceptionally difficult for me and my daughter. So, reading your question and answers has helped me. But I did want to say that I feel your pain sister!

Limit what she can make a choice between. This is the two's. She is not indecisive. She is demonstrating her power to disrubt your lives.

Hi T.,

You refer to your daughter as 'indecisive' but you mention dressing her when she's two now. So I'm wondering if it's really got more to do with signs of readiness to do things she can do - to have independence and face challenges of her own. Personally, I love the motto "never do anything for your child that he can do for himself." If your daughter is two, she can likely meet the challenge of dressing herself completely - sounds like she's challenging you instead of herself :-).

If it helps, run with it - if not, dump it and run!
WR,
T. B.