This is an odd request, but I thought someone might have some advice.
I am recently married and we are currently living with my in-laws while we save money to buy a house. I am very concerned for my mother-in-law's health! She is 60 years old and has been smoking for 51 years - yes, you read that right, she started smoking when she was 9!
Despite the efforts of myself, my husband, and his sister, my mother-in-law REFUSES to go to the doctors. She has not seen a gynecologist since she gave birth to my husband - 26 years ago. She has never had a mamogram and has not had a full physical in years - probably not since she was pregnant. She very rarely goes to the doctor when she is sick or hurt, but is the first one to tell someone else to go when they are sick.
We have begged and pleaded with her to get an exam. Her beliefs of doctors and medicine is VERY old school and outdated. She says she is scared to death of going to a doctor's office and claims to begin coughing uncontrollably upon entering the office (which I am sure is just emphysema because she always coughs!). We have even tried to plead to her grandmother side (her daughter has a daughter and my husband and I plan have a child in the future). Nothing seems to work.
Just tonight I was discussing it with her and it gets no where. She ends up getting upset and yelling that she is scared. When I told her it was just psychological and offered to take off work to go with her, knowing that it is often easier to face your fears when someone is with you, she informed me it is not psychological, it is a fear.
I am trully concerned for her health. I have lot a couple family members recently to Cancer - all but one were related to smoking. There are also other problems besides the smoking (psoriasis, depression, anxiety, and several others).
Has anyone else experienced a similar situation? Do you have any advice of how I can get it across how important it is for her to see a doctor?
Thank you for listening and for any advice you can give!
Hi Kristen,
I can hook you up with some babysitting jobs. Where do you live? Thanks,
N. S.
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I would discuss this with your own doctor and see what his suggestions are. It sounds like a phobia to me. You've made the offer to go with her, but she's still afraid. If your own doctor can't help, keep calling others. Sometimes it takes a few before you get one that really cares. Another suggestion, is a "Walk-in" clinic. I think they have one in Hockessin. I would give them a call and see what their suggestions are. If you don't need an appointment, that may be the way to go. That way there is no anticipation or any way to cancel--you're there and you just go in.
I hate to be this way but back off. If it is truly a phobia there is no way you will get her to go to the doctor. If she is being stubborn she will not go either. You are in a no win situation. Smoking is a dangerous thing to do but since she has been a smoker for her entire life she will have a hard time giving it up, even if she wanted to. The point is and again I hate to say it, she is an adult and she knows smoking is bad for her and she knows that she should go to the doctor but she won't and you have to just accept that. Coming from someone who lost both parents to smoking, it stinks to not have grandparents for my kids but my Mom and Dad found out about their lung problems and were treated and still they died. All we can do is make sure we are good and healthy for our kids and grandkids.
sorry to be rough,
Cia
Kristin,
I have a similar situation with my mother in law. My husband is sure she has cancer. She too does not go to Dr's. Sometimes its the fear of what the Dr might tell them more than the Dr experience. Some people have the attitude well if I'm dieing so be it, I'm not going change it, so I just don't want to know. When children become adults we try to parent our parents but it is important to remember they are adults and we need to do all we can but in the end its there choice. Good luck I feel your pain.
I am looking for an occasional babysitter. Where in Md do you live? You can email me at ____@____.com with info. Good luck with your mother-in-law. My mom is very similar to her, though not as extreme.
Sounds like my grandmother. She doesn't necessarily encourage others to go to the dr though. She's 88.5 now. Maybe 2 years ago she went through a period of dealing with hyatal hernias which led to severe vomitting which led to dehydration and she did have my mother take her to the emergency room several times over a period of months. When admitted, she was asked for her PCP and didn't have one. As they continued asking her about medical history, she hadn't gone to the doctor since her last child was born when she was 33! She is not a smoker - I think she did smoke for a short time socially when she was young. She is a strong believer in aspirn, honey tea, warm compresses and those sorts of remedies. She is now also suffering from Alzheimers which has been progressing over the past 8 years or so probably. Part of her Alz symptoms include forgetting about eating and being very particular about what foods she is willing to eat. Basically she eats breakfast coffee cakes, donuts, ice cream and coffee - wonderfully nutritious diet!! And she goes through it FAST! My mother buys her 3-4 dozen donuts a week. But, it makes her happy and she doesn't have flare ups with the hernia when she eats these foods. Being in the hospital is terribly tramatic for her and leads to hallucinations and tantrums and so we've all just accepted it. We always encourage her to share a few bites of "real food" when we are there, but otherwise we leave her to enjoy her donuts. With the age and Alz, it's a bit different, but I'm not sure you can really make your mother-in-law change.
Hi Kristin, What a tough situation. I feel for you. I am from Kansas City and my Grandmother was able to find a Dr that actaully made house calls. It costs more of course but she said is was worth it. I don't know if you could find that out here, but you might search the web and see what you can find. Also, what about a seditive. My Step dad AND my Mom take seditives for things that cause them anxiety. My mom has been in the hospital a lately and she is very frighten when she is there, so they give her something to settle her nerves. Maybe you could find a Dr to prescribe her something so you can get her to the office. Just some thoughts. Hope you find something that will work. Good luck!
As a nurse I have seen people in your mother in law's perdicament. My advice is leave sleeping dogs lie. You all love her and enjoy her as much as you can. She is perfectly happy the way she is. She knows that one day she will just be really sick and then die but let's face it that's what will happen to all of us sooner or later.
This really is a problem with your own psyche. You need to realize that although you are being very well meaning she is perfectly fine the way she is. She is in control of her own life. Please realize that it is you and your husband who feel like you will be sad if something happens to her. You have to just appreciate the time you have with her and when and if something happens you will know that she was in control of her own destiny. And happy that way.
If she were a race car driver (which is a really good way to get killed)you wouldn't discourage her because that was her passion. With some people smoking is their passion and you just can't take it away from them. I'm sorry for being so straight forward about this and I offer this advice with hope that she will go and do the healthy things to prolong her life, but if she doesn't you just have to accept her the way she wants things.
It really is hard to work out the whole inlaw relationship. The bottom line you just have to accept the things you can not change.
see if you can find a doc that would make a house call!
I'm sorry - not sure what to tell you. You just can't make someone - adult- do something they don't want to do.
But where are you located? - sometimes I need a sitter.
Hi Kristen~ I am sorry I have no advice for you but I will tell you , you are not alone. I am going through the same thing with my Mom. SHe is avery very heavey smoker. I lost my Grandmother last year becuase her heart was too weak. She needed Open Heart surgery but becasuse she had emphysema so bad she wasnt' able to have the surgery becuaseher lungs were too weak and they were afraid she waouldnt be strong enough to come off of the ventilators. My Grandmother never smoked in her life and this is what I tell my MOm but yet she countinues to smoke . I tried the whole Grandmother thing too and have gotten nowhere! She hasnt been to an GYN in 16 years! I am going to watch this one for sure to see what others might say. Good Luck and just keep trying ! thats what I am doing.
L.
I know all about it, the smoking thing, my mom has been smoking for a L. time and she just turned 60 in June. I just cant get her to stop. Well and she hates doctors too, she won't go when she is sick. all i do is tell her to go a few times and when she refuses i just ignore it. if she is not willing to go get help it is all on her...i love my mom dearly and wish she would stop smoking and take care of herself a little more. but i am not her she has to do it on her own.
