Concerned over Friends Choice

You cannot give "Clues" to the "Clueless"! It is her body, her choice. She doesn't seem very educated. It is a shame, no doubt. You did the best that you could.

I would clip the article or download it from internet and give it to her as it is new. While she may have been lucky previously, that doesn't mean she will be again.

Sounds like she is going to do whatever so she can go to her party. If you know the name of her doctor I would call anonymously and tell him what she plans. . . Doesn't sound like she'd cooperate anyway. Good luck.
(Just a personal note, maybe she should think to have her tubes tied while they have her open! She certainly doesn't need any more kids!)

I had my 1st baby at 37 weeks and he was fine. I had my 2nd baby at 38 weeks. With my 2nd, I was miserable & anxious to have the baby so I drank a tea from GNC that starts contractions. I thought we were safe because we were past the 38 week point. It was a highly STUPID decision. The tea did work and 24 hours later I was giving birth. My 2nd son was born in respiratory distress, hooked up to a ventilator & in the NICU within 12 hours and stayed in the hospital for 10 days. It was the most horrifying experience of my life. I can't tell you how GUILTY I felt. I found out later that that the fetus' lungs undergo a chemical change anytime between the 36th & 39th week. It's different in each baby. At this point, the fetus' surfactin levels drop for a 24-36 hour period. If the baby is born within this time frame, the baby WILL have breathing issues at birth. There is no way to tell when this occurs unless medical tests are done. So inducing labor prematurely without a physician's knowledge is highly risky!

BTW, for those that said it's "her life, her choice" or something along those lines. It's not just her life, it's also that of an unborn child, capable of living outside of the womb. Would we keep our mouths shut if she were blatantly doing something dangerous to a baby or child that is alive & well? Just my thoughts.

A., all you can do is let her know about the study you read about and share your concerns. In the end, it's her choice.

You are not going to be able to change her mind if she's dead set on this ridiculous choice, but I would mention it to her one more time, perhaps in the context of mentioning the news story to her. If she's a real friend she'll understand that you are voicing concerns out of love for her and her children, not to judge. I have triplet girls that were born at 28 weeks, so I know exactly what you go through when you have a kid in NICU and it is not an experience I would wish on anyone. Try again but know that if she proceeds, you know that you spoke from your heart.

No! Don't say anything. Your friend is making a choice that is right for them. The fact that she is on baby number 4 should tell you that. The fact of the matter is that if she was truly concerned she would be having a conversation with her doctor. Since you are not that person, stay out of it. You should not feel guilty at all its not your choice or your baby. Would you feel guilty if she got hurt in a car accident and wasn't wearing a seat belt. I can't imagine you would. If anything you would say that's what she gets for making bad choices. Sorry for being so harsh but it's all true. The best thing you can do is be a supportive friend when the baby arrives, healthy or not. Do you want her to be looking at you as the "I told you so" friend. I think not.

Tough situation but you've already spoken. You are a good person for caring so much but you will only strain things if you bring it up again - we ALL do things as parents others consider wrong - we're human. She is making a selfish choice but it's hers to make...I totally feel for you and am glad I'm not in your shoes b/c I'd sit and worry too...

Hang in there.

I read the article in the Family Health insert in the Chicago Tribune yesterday - January 8. If you have someone who might still have that brochure, get it and show it to her. Explain that you read it and that you are soooo concerned about the beautiful new addition that she expects in a few weeks.

After that it is up to her. From the statistics I read, it is a big deal.

PeggyPal

The only thing you can do is give her the information that you have and keep her in your prayers.

Wow, A.. I never thought I'd see such a scenario laid out and I am very sorry for her baby that she is so resolute on putting a party ahead of her baby's health. I am so disgusted and angry by this and she is very lucky to have an intelligent and true friend like you who is willing to speak up and be honest with her about her poor choice.

My son was born at 36.5 weeks and had to spend 13 days in the NICU. His lungs were still under-developed and he had to be given surfactant to open his lungs and was intubated for some of his time there. It was absolutely heart-wrenching to have to see my child laying there so sick and I would have given anything for him to have been spared that pain.

I hope she has shared her plans with her OB and that the OB clues her into how selfish and stupid she is being. Sorry to be so blunt, but this is the most ridiculous thing I have seen in a very long time!!

oh man. im like you.. i would be losing sleep over this. and i was surprised your husband thought you should say something... i can see mine saying aw tif, stay out of it. but that just shows you how much of a big deal it is. i saw that on the news, too. I had two sections and paid close attention to that story. I think she is making a huge mistake and i am always amazed at how people try to arrange the birth around something so silly as a vacation for a Dr or for a birthday party.... hello people.. that is crazy. I think she is making a big mistake and I dont think I could just bite my tongue and not say anything. I feel like that poor baby is being put at risk totally for no good reason and has no voice of its own. i would maybe ask if she saw the story on the news about that and maybe you could even do it in an email if you think it will get uncomfortable sticking your nose in there... attach a link to the story. it seems like if she isnt embarrassed to admit she is moving it up for such a foolish reason, she may not be taking it all that seriously even if she reads about it.. but at least you can say you tried.... God forbid anything needed to be done for the baby at birth.... you would wish you had said something more. It is her decision and chances are it will all work out... I cant believe that someone would induce their own labor and be so non-chalant about it to talk about it with anyone... very weird to me. Anyway, when I am feeling unsure I go the email route.. so you can really think before you "send" your opinion to her. I think even if she disagrees, she will appreciate that you care enough to say something, at least she should. good luck

That's a hard one. I've been in similar situations and I think all you can do is provide her things to read and hope she sees the light. It is her choice, and you're right to be concerned, but she probably wont appreciate you getting too much in her business, if you know what I mean.

Scary how casual people have become about c-sections, eh?

If I were you I would have to say something again. That is just too crazy, I'm sorry! You could print out the study to give to her and tell her you don't mean to overstep your boundaries, but you care about her and her baby and as her friend you'd hate to see anything go wrong. You just want to give her all of the facts so she can make an informed decision. Then if she wants to be stupid anyway that's her decision and you'll know at least you tried to help.

You are a great friend to be concerned for her baby but I have learned over my years that when someone like your friend has their minds made up there is nothing you can really do to change their minds. You just need to pray that she and the baby will both be fine.
She is putting her needs above the babies needs.
It would not hurt to say something else to her but the fact is it is her baby and if her husband and her think this is the route they want to go you really can't do anything about it.
You might ask her if she will be ok with the fact that her baby might be born with under developed lungs or one of the number of other things that could be wrong because the baby was not ready to be born. Can she live with that.

S.

If I read this right I am seriously wondering what is wrong with this woman that she would prefer to go to a children's birthday party than have a healthy baby. I don't know what you should do but that disgusts me and I wonder why people like this have children.

I am not sure how castor oil could induce anything except a bad case of the runs. I do like your answer - that the Dr. puts her on meds to stop labor. All that pain of going to the bathroom for nothing.

J.

This is obviously an issue that is weighing heavy on your heart. I would try and approach your friend one more time about the issue, to clear your conscience, if nothing else. Try by asking her weigh the risks, and is it really worth it for a birthday party?
Good luck! She's blessed to have such a good friend!
Also, I have a friend who took castor oil on her due date with her first child, and it didn't work. She just had really, really horrible diarrhea. If your body and baby are ready, castor oil could work, but if it's just too soon, then you're just going to have uncontrolable diarrhea. I hope your friend has the latter, for the sake of the baby, of course :D

Normally I would say - her life, her business and you cannot worry about someone else's decision. If you still feel the need to say something to her, here's the article, print it off, give it to her, nonchalantly, and tell her that you just recently heard this and just wanted to make sure that she had this information. Then, it's in her hands and out of yours and don't give it another thought to her decision. You have done your job and you can't judge her for her decision. Yes... 36 weeks is too early, if you have that choice to make it a later date, but keep your opinion out of it and place the "facts" in her hands.

http://www.wtop.com/?nid=106&sid=1567143

Good luck to you! It's nice you care.

Hi, I just sort of skimmed through the other resopnses so I,m sorry if I repeat something but Do you know who her Dr is? If so call them and say that your friend is thinking of doing this. This way the Dr is aware of the possibility and can talk to her about the risks. Some people listen better to a Dr then their friends.

My second child was a scheduled c-section (not my choice) and they took her at 38 weeks. She did have to spend a few hours in the unit because she kept coughing and sneezing and they were worried that her lungs weren't cleared and she would get an infection. She turned out to be fine, but it was a little scarey for a few hours. I didn't like it one bit and if I have another I will make the doctor wait until I go into labor naturally though I do have to have a c=section. At this point, it being my last child I won't care who does the c-section (all the doctors are competant in the practice I go to).

You are right though. I heard the same study. I would probably start out a conversation by stating that you understand full well that it is not your business what she does during her pregnancy and you are not trying to interfere, but you would like her to know of a study that has come out if she isn't already aware of it....and that whatever decision she makes at that point is her business and it won't affect your friendship in anyway. You just wanted to make sure she had all the facts before she made up her mind just in case.

Send her a link to that news thing, and then leave it alone. At least then you will have the peace of mind that you tried, but the choice is still hers. Just pray that God watch over that little one, and I will too.

I would say something again and bring up the recent study. She may not know about it and might reconsider. You are only commenting on this out of concern which is understandable. You can also have a clear conscience if God forbid, something happens to the baby. Good Luck.

Drink caster oil? This woman is NUTS! Oh m gosh! That poor baby!

Hmm. You can suggest that she just explain her situation to the doctor and try to schedule a c-section rather than drinking caster oil...? Not that that's much better but it's something.

Oh that poor baby!

Just read this question...just one more thought, I did not read the responses so sorry if I repeat someone.

Find the info on the internet, print it and leave it with her. If she is as self-absorbed as she seems, she probably wont be offended and will appreciate the attention. It is unfair of her to put you in this situation at all, so you should not feel bad. If you have a bad gut feeling about what she is doing, follow your gut and say something! Even if it doesnt change anything, you will at least know you did what you could. Your opinion is valid, so to hell with anyone who says it is not your business. That is the problem with this world...we turn our heads away from many things we feel are not our business, meanwhile children, animals, people get hurt in the process. Sorry, im off subject. Good luck!!!

I'de try 1 more time to get throught to her and then speak to the husband. How selfish of her to put her baby at risk for a party. And caster oil and the following diarrhea to follow could harm the baby also. To put that into a babys' system is unconsciensable. She can cause harm to the child in so many ways. Maybe you can get through to the spouse. I hope so.

If I were you I think I would just draw her attention to the news piece. If you can find something written about it on the tv station's website, you could print it and give it to her. You could just say that you saw this and thought of her, that you're not judging her decision, you just thought she'd want the information in case it would influence her choice.

I would casually mention the t.v. piece that you saw and then that would be it. You gave the info. the rest is up to her. You will no longer feel guilty if she chooses the wrong path. Good luck to you.

I struggle very hard when I hear people talk about having the baby early and not getting to 40 weeks. Partly because I delivered my twins at 24 weeks. I would give ANYTHING to have had them in me longer. I can't even begin to tell you the things we have struggled with. Yes they are alive today and will be 2 in a couple of days, but my rollercoaster ride as not ended since we left the NICU.

I had a friend, who is now expecting twins and told me that she is upset her work is already planning she is going to go early (they are doing it just to prepare themselves and they are not taking her job away. They just want to have a game plan....my opinoin nothing wrong). Well she is upset. It hurt me when she made that comment because to this day there is no reason why my twins came early and it could happen to anyone as well.

When she made that comment, I just was quiet and didn't say anything. I feel like you have to pick your battles. I am just not in the mood to argue. So, I guess my advice pick your battles. If you want to say something then go ahead and if not don't. And whatever your choice will be...will be the right choice. I agree w/you, I don't think she making a smart choice.

Since you will be watching this child (I assume), it is a concern of yours. Having had two preemies with extensive time in NICU, I want to take this woman and shake some sense into her. Barring that, I would find an internet copy of this news report (which I also heard)and print it off for her. Preface everything with because you're a friend, because I love your kids so much, yada, yada, yada. Good luck!

If she asks you for advice, give it. Otherwise, stay out of it. You've said something once, it didn't sink in, and she's still going to do what she wants to do not matter how wrong you think it is.

I think she's making a very foolish, unwise, unhealthy decision...and it's not hard to find evidence to support this. And yes, you are thinking about her baby but you may be overstepping your bounds as her employee. Her doctor will know she's taken the castor oil; let the doctor be the one to admonish and lecture her.

i would say one more thing even though its not your baby this will help you eliminate any guilt you may feel if you hadnt said anything. i would bring up that you just saw it on tv and you had to share the story with her or send a link to the story online.

I saw an article about this on yesterday's Chicago Tribune (online). I would email your friend a link to that article and let her know you read it and thought of her. That way, the message is not necessarily coming from you, but coming directly from the NE Journal of Medicine. Good luck.

I know you said you'd already decided what to do, but one more suggestion. Consider confiding in her husband since you technically work for him, too. He may have no idea what her plans are.

Good luck.

A., Im just now reading your question. I just wanted to add that you already told her once and since you arent close friends I would leave it alone, but if something does happen to that baby I would def call the hospital and tell them what she had done to herself that way they can step in. Good Luck and sorry you where put into the middle of that situation.

I'd find the information on the internet or another printed source and give that to her as you gently mention your concern again. Let her know it isn't you that's making anything up. Don't give her tons of paper she won't have time to read, just something simple straight to the point and scary enough to make her stop and think.

Good luck & thank you for being such a good friend to this person.

Hi,
I have seen this happening before that women thought they needed to determine what the best date was for delivery. I think that is VERY wrong, the baby is the one who decides when he/she is ready (that is for a healthy baby). It almost makes me angry to hear stuff like that. How important can that party or any other appointment be over the healthy development of your baby?
Anyway, my point is, it worked for your friend before, she will do it again. No baby, no delivery is the same, but she has her priorties obviously screwed up.
The last weeks do mean a lot for the babies development and readainess to deal with this world.
You can say something to her one more time to calm your own conscience, but it will not change a thing.
I would leave it alone, before you make her mad. Obviously you care for her children, so let her do what she needs to do and you do the best you can while you watch her kids.
Hope all goes well for the baby!

PS.: I had my baby boy by c-section after 21 hours labor on the due date and he still needed to be in NICU for 3 days.