Confiding in Your Mother in Law About Your Spouse?

My mil raised him. She knows him well, faults and all. She often gave me sound advice but I didn't go to her with super private stuff. Just simple conflicts.

She truly was a great ally. I miss her dreadfully.

I'm with you. My MIL isn't alive so it's not even an issue.

I have spoken to my FIL about my husband, but in a cryptic way and those conversations are few and far between and only when my husband is going through mental health issues. There are times when my husband shuts down and literally doesn't talk to me, so if that's going on and I think he's unwell, I'll give my FIL a heads up and ask him to call me if he talks to my husband and my husband sounds really irrational.

I don't discuss my marriage with my parents either. It's none of their business. If I need advice, I go to a girl friend or more often than not, I come here for advice and perspective!

Never. I would never, ever go to my mother-in-law to discuss marital concerns or issues. If I did that, it would likely come off as a criticism of her special boy and if I criticize MIL's special boy then I'm also criticizing her and how she raised him and all that implies. It would also imply that I don't love him as much as I should to overlook any possible faults her special, perfect boy may have. :-) So I just don't go there. Once in a while my MIL might witness him do something boneheaded and then she'll slap him upside the head and then I can laugh about it with her, but only if she notices first.

I don't need my husband's mommy in my marriage. I don't even put his sisters into my marriage and they don't put us into their marriages. We may vent occasionally to each other or bounce ideas off each other about some things but we do it in a group and in front of each other. We don't do it behind anyone's back. It comes up as a discussion rather than, "Hey, Mike does this and this so what you do you think? Who's right?" Ok, maybe sometimes because two of my SIL's do that.

Anyway I usually will talk to my best friend to vent and then she usually has some good advice. She talks to me, I talk to her, we've been doing it that way since 5th grade. I might occasionally vent to my mom but she never gets all of the details.

I think it is highly dependent on the issue to be discussed. My mother in law is unfortunately no longer with us, but we had a pretty great relationship. I talked to her about some general things that are personality traits of my husband, and she gave me some excellent insight. Not only did she raise him, she was married to the man most like him, his father! I felt like there were certain things that I could ONLY talk about with her, because she really understood where I was coming from. One of our very best conversations was about how my husband "pursued" me and how his father "pursued" her. There were so many similarities, it was crazy!
So while I would not consider talking to the mother in law about ANYTHING in the bedroom or anything that is very private, she can be a great resource and may even be a truly sympathetic ear. Your husband is her baby, but she also had to live with him for a long time and may be well aware that he leaves toothpaste globs in the sink or is the worst backseat driver ever.

As the mom of a still-little boy, I think I would be sad to be the MIL whose daughter in law "had all the power". I'd hope we would have a more harmonious relationship.

I would be concerned for my son and his partner, not out of nosiness, but because I would want them both to be happy. But I would also respect where my relationships ended and where theirs', with each other, began.

You know, I could find a lot of reasons to be guarded around my MIL. I don't discuss any real issues with her regarding my marriage; that is partly out of respect for myself and my husband and our privacy, and that is partly out of respect for her. It's really not what she would *want* to hear. However, it's very easy to build connection with her in sharing with her what a good husband her son is, what a good father and provider he is. That makes her heart glad to know she raised a terrific man. I don't ask her about relationship advice, but I do ask her advice about other things -- like sewing, she's an excellent seamstress-- and that makes her feel included and necessary. I send my in-laws letters from time to time with updates about Kiddo, some of his more interesting schoolwork, and little bits here and there about our pets or gardening, another thing we have in common.

In short, instead of making hard boundaries everywhere, I have made an unspoken 'soft' boundary regarding our marital life and welcome her into those other areas which are safe and help her to feel included and necessary to us.

I don't really discuss an issues within my marriage with too many other people. My husband, of course, and if it's not too personal, likely one sister I am close to (and we confide in each other mutually) and a couple of girlfriends who I also know I can trust--and they trust me. Big problem? We go talk to someone who has helped us in the past, who knows us as a couple.

I'm sorry you feel so highly defensive about your relationships with your in-laws. I'm sorry you don't feel like you can 'throw them a bone', as it were. If you don't look at them as interlopers into your relationship, but people wanting to have some sort of community with you and your husband, that might be a way to approach it. Let them get filled up on what a great job they did raising their son-- I think that is really what most parents want. I know that while I would never go to my MIL with 'concerns', as it were, I want her to know that I really respect the relationship she and her husband have with their son. He talks to them at least once a week (they live cross-country) and they are so important to HIM. It takes very little for me to be gracious and remember them from time to time, make a call or drop a note to them. And it does so much *good*.

Seems to me you aren't wondering if you should talk to your mother in law but you want us to say you are right, your sister in laws are wrong.

If they are happy, heck even if they aren't, isn't really any of your business is it?

I am also getting an, I am smarter/stronger than my sister in laws vibe because you don't give in and talk to her. You are no better than them, just different choices.

I think it depends on the situation. No you shouldn't go tattling to your husband's parents. But that doesn't mean you can't ask for their advice. My husband and I were having a really rough time a year ago. Speaking to his dad about things helped me see a different point of view. I was given insight into what type of child my husband was growing up. That really helped me learn how to handle him, and our issues, differently.

strange vibes emanating from this one.
the overall feel seems to be 'DILs should not discuss their husbands with their MILs', which is of course sensible advice.
so why do you care what your SILs do? everyone has a different relationship. i'm VERY close to my MIL. i'm 'safer' for her than her own kids in some ways, just the right amount of distance, so she can share pretty freely with me. that being said, she's very sensitive and dramatic, so i'd never dream of laying anything heavy on her and NEVER anything negative about her beloved son. ever.
i try to keep my own expectations realistic with my two future DILs. i want to be part of their lives, and for them to be comfortable and open around me. but it would be weird and inappropriate for me to be involved in their every disagreement, small or large, and i don't pry or expect them to seek me out to unpack their men for them. the door is always open, but i don't try to drag them through it.
you sound pretty uncomfortable with your own MILs efforts to stay involved, and i don't blame you. no one wants their MIL in bed with them. and you sound pretty confident about what IS appropriate and what isn't, so this post would seem to be more about tooting your own horn over your gloopy SILs.
i find the statement 'i have the power, my MIL can't give him what i can' to be very telling, and not a little creepy. i'm very glad i'm not competing sexually or energetically with my MIL, and hope my DILs never regard our relationship in this light.
my MIL loves it when i come to her for advice, so i try to do it sometimes, not in a condescending way but when i think it's something she can actually shed light upon. 'ma, i LOVE it when david's home, but i've found that we're really set in our weekly patterns. if he ends up being home for several days in a row, we kind of intrude on each other's space and get prickly. dad's been retired for years now, and you guys are together every day. how do you manage it without getting irritable?'
but i'd never say to her 'your son is being a jerk. tell me how to make him treat me like a queen.'
khairete
S.

A woman and her MIL have to have just the right kind of relationship to be in each other's confidence. You and your MIL don't have that. I thought your sentence, "I'm the one with the power," was interesting.

I'm very careful what I say when any of my ILs say anything about their spouses (my children). I want them to have good marriages, so I won't comment much. They rarely ask me for advice, anyhow. Once in a while I can be helpful. It can sometimes help my IL child, for instance, to know that the spouse's attitude in a certain matter is not the IL's fault - that it's the attitude the child has always had. Can I help fix things? Not much. Once in a while I can drop a hint to my child - but the hint is more the size of a quarter-teaspoon, as opposed to a gallon.

I stopped discussing things with my MIL after a few years of marriage. I found she would immediately proceed to give me too much information, not only about my husband but also about many other members of the family! And I wasn't always sure what part of what she said was true and what wasn't. She has lots of strong opinions.

On the other hand, I didn't discuss things with my mother, either. While her heart was in the right place, she tended to become very angry with my husband if I complained the least bit about him, and she took a long time to get over it. So it was better to go to people who could help in a more impartial way.

But women who are so close to their MILs (and FILs) that they can really help one another - I think they are blessed.

I agree with AZ room.

My adult son had a girlfriend that my whole family loved. One day she called me. She began, "when Bobby and I make love" ... I said, "Stop! I know we are close but please say no more! I do not want that picture in my head! If you need an adult who loves him to talk to, call his Godmother" (my best friend).

She agreed. I hurriedly called my best pal and told her what was up. I told her under no circumstances to tell me what the conversation entailed!

I think I'd love that my future DIL would talk to me about problems on child rearing, over drinking, lack of a social life, religious dilemmas, etc. that affected or involved my son.

I disagree with you when you say what could his mother say to him. Wow. You have no clue. A mother is a son's first love. She can tell him how it hurt her when his dad cheated. She can tell him how it made her feel when his dad would bring flowers just because...

You've got a lot to learn. You can divorce a wife, but not a mother.

I've been married 23 years, and no, I'd never use my MIL as my marital confidant or mediator.

I feel that anyone who "tells" on their spouse to the spouse's mother isn't mature enough to be married. I can't imagine anyone wanting their MIL involved in their private business. Sharing personal information about the marriage seems like a breach of trust and it's also allowing for a lot of crossing of boundaries. Plus, MIL should be for your husband to talk to, you have your own family. You shouldn't be causing conflict between husband and his mother. You can let MIL know that when you have concerns about your husband, you discuss those concerns with HIM, not with outside parties.

While I'm sure that my MIL would love to know the personal intimacies (I don't mean physical) of our marriage, she would NEVER want to hear anything negative about her son or lay blame on him for anything. That would seem critical of her, for having raised him.

So no, I never have and never would discuss personal marital issues with MIL. Like you said, what happens in a marriage is private, and I don't discuss personal things about our marriage with anyone else.

I have spoken with both my MIL and FIL about some things, because I figure that, no matter what, they will always love their son, so me discussing things with them isn't going to make them think less of him. They gave me great advice, and, even better, they prayed for us, and they'd NEVER dream of sharing our difficulties with others. They come from a culture that believes in the evil eye, so they never talk about family matters, good or bad, with others.

The problems that we were having are long since remedied. They counseled us both, and continue to pray for our marriage and family.

Tread VERY lightly on this subject.

Remember a mothers love of her child is intense and deep.
The instinct for the majority of mothers is always to protect their children.
She may have certain motherly feeling for one son that she does not have for the other or She may have perceived that you do not like to share and to control herself she no longer asks.

You need to decide what you are willing to share.
And then you need to be prepared in case it is shared with other members.
You could approach things with
"I am concerned that I do not understand his..

"I worry I am not communicating with him about..

"I feel like I frustrate him because he reacts like....

Mom what do you think I should do in this situation with him?

This way you take the sting out of his weaknesses or her sake. She may come back with, "Well he has always been a pain in the Butt about doing ...

But do not act hurt because she no longer asks.. you are the one that does not share, so why WOULD she ask?

I agree that difficulties in your relationship with your husband should only be between the two of you and not either set of parents. This is especially true when what you say gets passed around. The only reason one shares difficulties is to enlist help or to vent.

My daughter vents with me about some things because she knows I will keep her confidence and will not judge. Sometimes she asks for advice but I've learned to never give advice unless she asks. We share because we have a warm relationship.

It's not always been that way. Both of us were committed to learning new ways of relating to each other. We learned how to support each other. Even with that my daughter does not talk with me about many issues. She and her husband have to know that they have each other's well being as a priority and that working out their differences with each other takes priority.

With my mother I learned that my complaining about my husband or her complaining about my Dad detracted from our relationships with spouses and each other. In part because she was critical. I did not feel supported by her and I did not want to hear about her difficulties. Doing so detracted from my relationship with my Dad. Therefore I did not talk much about my husband with my daughter unless she asked me to give her information from my experience.

Why would you want to complain to your mother-in-law? You have nothing to gain and much to lose. I think telling your husband's mother about your conflicts is being disloyal to your husband and your relationship. She has a vested interest in who her son is. By talking with her you would be including her in your relationship.

There is a difference between sharing bbecause you are friends with your own shared relationship and giving information that is not helpful to you and your relationship with your husband.

I can tell my MIL anything. It can be to vent, a complaint, asking if FIL did this too, etc. She does not gossip about what I tell her and she has such wonderful insight. She prays for us and slaps her son upside his head if he's being a brat. She can be a PIA but overall I love her and she loves me.

It's sad that you and your MIL don't have a relationship. I'm glad I don't have that problem. I think our marriage would be strained if I didn't have a relationship with my MIL. I think my marriage is stronger because we ALL have a close family bond.

What about power? is that statement about withholding sex?

Don't do it.
Do not take marital problems to his parents or your parents.
If you patch things up, the folks will remember and they tend not to be as forgiving as you.
If you don't patch things up, it's just as awkward.
Either way the family gossip can get way out of hand.
You want a professional marriage counselor.
This is what they train for and they've seen it all and worse.
Use the right tool for the right job.

My stance is every one handles their problems differently. If your sister in laws feel the need then why not.

Edit
I personally do not confide in family members. I just never felt the need to.
1. Because I don't share any issues unless I see it's damaging and I may need help.
2. I have a very blunt and open marriage so any issues I have had I let him know right away(in a sweet way of course) So it's usually already solved between my husband and I and it would be pointless to share after it's already fixed

No.
Put yourself is her shoes -- what if it was YOUR DIL?
My MIL has a big mouth.
That's enough for me!
Then again--I can't think if any "issues" we have that would make me even consider it.
If you have BIG issues, I disagree that you shouldn't talk to "anyone" -- just not her. Friend, counselor, therapist? Sure. MIL? No!

I would not discuss anything about my husband with his mother (my MIL) that was personal, about conflicts, or a touchy situation. That should be kept between me and the hubby. I won't discuss the same with my mother either. It is not their business. And yes, with some MIL's, everyone will then know your business. Just avoid that.

As the mother of a married son, I really don't want to know in the ins and outs of daily life. My DIL has her mother to confide in and rarely ever mentions anything to me about anything. Perhaps if I lived in the same town and state we might be a bit closer.

I as a DIL have never mentioned anything to my MIL about our relationship. She would have probably been one of those nosy people who would tell it to the world if she could have. I saw some of that with the way she treated my then SIL (another story and another time).

There are some families that want to know everything about everybody and when they don't, they get very upset. Perhaps this is the type of family you married into.

Just remember whatever you say to anybody can or cannot be kept a secret and may come out at the most inconvenient time. So it serves you right to be the way you are and you are okay.

the other S.

PS There are some mothers that want to be queen bee to everything in their family the matriarch syndrome.

Your MIL sounds really nosey and I can not see any good coming out of confiding in her. You are right...your marriage is between you and your husband.

Mothers-in-law. Sometimes they just want to feel in charge still, to feel like they still have some say in the day-to-day lives of their children. Maybe yours sees some kind of marital disconnect that she wants to understand and guide you through, so that your marriage looks like she thinks it should. Maybe she feels like she doesn't really KNOW you and isn't fully comfortable leaving her son in your "care". Fathers get to vet potential suitors and "give" their daughters away. Mothers who attempt this are immediately seen as meddlesome. There's a fine line for her to walk. Not knowing your particular set of circumstances, I'm thinking that you should probably throw her a bone. I think that you owe it to her to attempt some sort of closeness with her, as long as she is a decent person. Many women bond over crises, especially when one will assume the role of caretaker. She identifies with this role and might be just reaching out to you in the best way she knows how. I mean, you're not her peer, so her approach seems to be to treat you like a daughter and bond over the things that are most important to you.

I guess it might depend on what the issue is. I agree that marital issues are for the couple to address, but I also believe that we are all family and take care of each other and hold each other accountable. My husband's mother-in-law (my mother, of course) sees him as her son, and she is good at being objective. She knows my behavior and could possibly offer insight to him. He would not be quick to confide in her because that's not his personality, but her love for him and for us would allow her to listen attentively and advise wisely. Certain things she would likely not want to hear, but she would suck it up if necessary. I believe the same about his mother, were she here in body.

She would lose some of that objectivity if he were to confide in her that he has put my head through a wall, but she would empathize if he said that sometimes he wants to. Some of that MIGHT have to do with the differences between mothering daughters and mothering sons.

We just need to know where to lay our burdens and where to seek comfort. If you're not that kind of comfortable with his mother, it's more than okay. Maybe it would help your relationship if you would confide other things in her, like issues with people at work.

I did this in my first marriage - HUGE mistake.

Your instincts are correct and you are wise to heed them.

I think mil should stay out of most problems unless she is perpetuating the problem then talk to her. My husband use to go to his moms house if he didn't like what I made for dinner and go there when he was mad with me. Which was making me upset because she was enabling him to not be here for his family dinner and not resolving our relationship issues (which are not real huge; mostly sharing chores etc). So I told her if he shows up for dinner to give him a plate and send him back... Same goes with showing up and wanting to stay the night or seeming like he doesn't plan to leave. She was totally agreeable. Life has been so much better since then!

I wouldn't talk to my MIL. I love her, but...no. And she wouldn't ask, that would be weird to me. My SILs and I share all kinds of stories about our marriages, and we have supported each other through some tough financial and marital strife. None of us would even think of being nosy or gossipy about it, though!

But I do talk to my mother, and my husband knows this. We have had some pretty tough times in the past (all worked through) and I needed my mother's advice, that is the kind of relationship we have. Maybe that's strange to some, but she was a single mother with two young girls, and there are bonds there you can't break. We have a very close relationship and there's almost nothing we don't talk about. I'm proud of my relationship with her! I do not talk to her about my sex life, but her support and "shoulder" over the years sincerely helped my husband and I get back on track.

You kind of answered your own question there. Since your mil is a nosy person she's probably more interesting in getting details rather than helping you resolve issues.If you want to have a relationship with your mil there are other ways. Does she have a hobby that you could ask about? If she likes to garden ask her advice on what to plant and where to plant it. If she's a good cook ask her to show you how to make something.

In almost all cases, it's not a good idea to share your marital problems with your mil.

I think it depends on the relationship and on the personalities of the people involved. I also think it depends on the issue being discussed.

So you should do what's most comfortable for you, and stand your ground if she is nosy and, worse, if she talks about it. I think MILs often see their sons the way they were as boys, or even as young single men, and they don't always have a handle on how these men behave in adult relationships. So my MIL's advice would have been useless. And she wouldn't have gotten the details right. And she was a worrier so, if I told her anything, I would have spent more time taking care of her anxiety than getting any advice or support back from her.

If your sisters-in-law enjoy the relationship and the sharing, that's fine. But if your MIL is sharing their info with you, that's not right. (Although people like your MIL can be helpful if you want something spread around and you don't feel like telling everyone yourself. When I got divorced from my first husband, I told my closest friends, and then I told one woman at work who took care of the rest of the workplace! Saved a ton of time!)

So yes, I agree that you should talk with your husband first (everyone should). If you can include your MIL in some things (such as an idea for a Father's Day gift for him, or to plan a surprise birthday party), great. It might help your relationship with her and make her feel useful and wanted. But if even that would become a nightmare or open up the door to an intrusion you don't want, keep things as they are. The most important thing is that your husband back you up where your MIL is concerned, defending you for not spilling your business to her.

See if you can create a relationship with your MIL on other levels - maybe you can find something you both enjoy and that she's good at? Go shopping together for new curtains or a piece of furniture if you like her taste, plant a garden with her suggestions in mind, choose a restaurant for your husband's birthday, etc. But if she's toxic or too controlling, don't start down a road if you aren't willing to finish the journey with her.

Good call on your part. No, I would not discuss my marriage, or anything that needs to be kept private, with my in laws. You just never know if it will become public, and you know that will be talking about it behind your back. I have one good friend that I spill all my beans to, and she keeps it quiet. And I do the same for her.

I 100% agree with you. I'd never discuss marital issues with my mother in law.

I would not if my mil was in this country. I don't tell my mom either.

No, I wouldn't. We have a good and healthy relationship, and I believe it is exactly because I do not confide in her, but I do appreciate and admire her. I keep private things in my private life, and if I need support or advice I confide in my sister now that my mom passed away, and her advice was always: "remember that your mother-in-law is the mother of your husband, she loves him deeply and she will always will be your side IF she is sure her son married the right woman, and the right woman for her son is someone who loves him, accepts him, and who would never gossip about him whatever happens in the marriage".

NO......no way, no how, nuh uh, not ever. Your marriage is between the two of you and to speak negatively about your husband to anyone outside of that is simply foolish and does nothing but invite more trouble. Good for you!! Maybe you could speak to your husband about it and get her to back off. Otherwise, hold firmly to your boundaries. She sounds like trouble.