Confused-not Sure What to Do.

How debilitated is your MIL from her stroke? Does she need total care, can she walk, feed herself, clean herself, can she go to the restroom or is she incontinent, does she have difficulty swallowing, difficulty speaking and or understanding? My point is, you really have to look at her deficits before making a decision. Taking care of someone who has residual effects from a stroke can be very stressful and time consuming. It is hard hard work! Who would give you a break? You would need outside services and possibly respite care. Have you and your husbands considered alternatives such as assisted living, live in help or nursing home placement? You will not be a stay at home mom, you will be a working at home mom. Your job will be taking care of your MIL and you will not get paid for it. Think long and hard before making your decision, make sure it is right for you and your family.
Good Luck

How bad was her stroke? Does she have control over her bladder and her bowels? If she does can she clean herself? Has she had a personality shift? (many people after stroke become dangerously violent, or "mistake" things like children for objects... like furniture... and other things that are dangerous -like the stove- for something like the TV.). How is her speech and language? Her vision? Her mobility? Can she sit on the toilet without aid, or walk without aid? ((The bathroom questions are huge... because they will consume 9-10 hours of your day at a minimum if she is not capable of eliminating when she chooses, negotiating the bathroom, or cleaning herself. Just like a baby, but in adult size with adult embarrassment and anger surrounding the subject.))

Some strokes are relatively mild, and have few to any side effects. What you said about needing 24/7 care leads me to believe that this was not a mild stroke.

Halfway through nursing school my DH's uncle had a massive stroke. He HATED the residential facility, and his family decided to bring him home AND that I (of course) would be the one to take care of him. They had absolutely no IDEA the level of care that he would require. They figured that since the skilled nursing facility said he was ready to move down a level (either go to LTC or inhome care), that he was fine. In reality, he was just no longer in danger of dying. After talking with the nurses at the facility I out and out refused. Which ticked his family off big time (major family drama), until they had to care for him for several months. They now have hired round the clock nursing care... but they have a hard time keeping them, because he (unfortunately) also went violent with his stroke. He's lucid and intelligent, but he has the emotional control of a toddler.

If all she can do is feed herself... SERIOUSLY consider doing a 36hr stint at the care facility (2 days and 1 night) to see a) the level of care she is currently receiving and b) to make an informed decision as to whether or not you are up to maintaining that level. Also what specialized equipment that you would need to buy. To bring my uncle-in-law home, my DH's family spent about 15k in set up costs.

I'm honestly not trying to discourage you, but these are all things to consider.

***Adding This:
Just read your edit with more information. Since you/Hubby seem to have decided to have her in your home... you will need to make the needed changes/renovations to your home interior and exterior to make your home accommodate her... ie: she'd probably have a wheelchair, need a ramp, handle bars/rails for the bathroom/tub/shower/toilet areas, also a medical bed she can sleep in, and make sure your home interior is wheelchair friendly or you will have to carry her everywhere. Since she is pretty paralyzed, and can only feed herself, you will also need adult diapers/feeding tray/adult bibs.... lots of things. It is expensive. But necessary. As Riley mentioned.

Know that, she was in a fully skilled Nursing home.. with a whole staff of nurses and Doctors... round the clock. Once home with you, you/Hubby will be her caretaker. And, this WILL take up much of your time.... MORE time than it takes to raise children. Your children, also have to adapt... and deal with it. It is arduous... for everyone. It is time consuming and stressful.
My Uncle is paralyzed like your MIL... and he needs round the clock care... and lifting a paralyzed adult, it not easy. And even though he can feed himself, he needs constant supervision while doing so to avoid choking. And he has specific dietary needs. So that is another learning curve and grocery bill. ALSO, they had to buy a van... and make it wheelchair accessible and accommodating with a "lift."
MANY MANY things and costs to think about.... Your Hubby, will HAVE to help... and even though he works.
It will take time away from your kids. Know that. Even if they can help in a minor way... they should not have to be burdened by it nor their childhood activities taken away....
Even if just sitting in a wheelchair, they an ill person, needs constant care and supervision.

And again, my own Dad had a stroke as well as other things... it requires a TON of care-giving. It consumes your entire daily day and living... your household will need to revolve around that. You can't just sit her in front of a TV all day. And you will need to bathe her, take her to the toilet and other hygiene issues. AND you may need a 'lift' just to get her into the tub/shower etc., and make needed changes to the tub/shower to accommodate her since she is paralyzed.
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Not only will you then be a 'caregiver' for your Mom... but you also have kids.
That is a lot of work too.

I was a caregiver, when my Dad was ill. It is not easy... no matter how easy or difficult the person is.
You have to be aware of and keep track of their daily medical needs and diet and medications and appointments and taking them to the Doctor too, and following up, and going to the Pharmacy for their medications etc, running errands for them, doing laundry, simple tasks that they can't do, driving them around, and monitoring them. It is daily. 24.7.

You and your Husband need to discuss it... 'caregivers' often have a ton of stress... and there are even support groups, just for them.
A Stroke, depending on how it affected her, is also difficult, They need physical therapy, may not be able to talk or eat fully, and recovering from it is depending on the extent of their stroke. My Dad had a stroke too. It debilitated him.

your husband feels you can quit your job... because of the stress involved and the health effects it created in you.
But staying home... with the 'job' of caring for your MIL... it also a whole other situation.
Ideally, it should be not only 'you' that cares for her. Husband should too... you and he taking turns... even with driving her around.
Your Husband... NEEDS TO KNOW THIS.
AND, what about your other In-Laws... can't they help with your MIL? Like your Husbands siblings????

I am giving you first-hand ideas, of what 'caregiving' is, since I did that for my Dad.

As far as the money situation... well, perhaps your Husband can get 2 jobs? But then that means he will not be home much.
Also, how will all of this impact your kids? And your MIL home with you?
Or do you have to care for her in her home?
Does she have a Husband that can care for her?

Or, you can get a part-time job... to help with your Husband and expenses... but then how will you care for MIL?
The thing is, caring for MIL should NOT be only 'your' job or task. It should be a shared task. With your Husband or someone else.
Or perhaps, can she get a home health-aide?

AND... don't forget... YOU have health problems TOO. So how will you care for yourself... and who will help you?
If you are home... for the kids, but have to care for MIL too... then your staying home will not be for 'your' reasons of wanting to be there for your kids... but it will be due to the situation also, of caring for your MIL.
And, you have to think about your own health too. And your Husband needs to remember that.
Or you will be going from 1 stress (of your current job), to another (staying home to care for MIL and the kids and the home/family).

I personally think, it should NOT be your 'job' solely, to care for your MIL. It is a HUGE MONUMENTAL life changing task. Stress. And, I don't think your Husband realizes that. You simply should not be 'responsible' for her. I think, your In-Laws... should be doing it and making arrangements. Because... even if you care for her, the others will not participate. That is the usual way it turns out. Care-giving for your MIL in addition to being a Mom to your kids.... your kids are the one's that will be lost in the shuffle. I guarantee that. And you... will still be stressed.
Your MIL, needs to get a home-health aide.
You should NOT, be your MIL's care-giver, 24/7.
It is really, not fair, that that is expected of you.
you will not be able to do that, plus being a Mom to your kids and a wife... and taking care of your own home and family.
As I said, I was a care-giver for my Dad... he had heart problems, a stroke and diabetes... and it is NOT easy. And it then created stress between me and my Husband. My Husband also helped as did my Mom. But... my Dad, felt most comfortable with me. I helped him DAILY.
It is very arduous... no matter how much love there is and good intentions. I burnt out, many times.

Just some ideas,
All the best,
Susan

I have been a SAHM, i am going to work in sept. My youngest will be in full day (1st grade). I still want to be there for my kids also. I too have health issues :( What my husband i have decided was for me to work part time. I am going to be looking for something about 4hrs a day. That is about all i can handle right now, and i will be home when my kids are. Maybe this could work for you?

You do not have to take care of your mother in law if you don't think you can. No one should judge you. You need to do what is best for you and your family. I wish you luck.

Tough situation. :( It sounds like you are stuck between a rock and a hard place...Has anyone asked you to be caregiver to your MIL? Or is it just something you feel obligated to do if you stop working? If your husband is telling you to quit your job and stay home, go for it. If he is telling you to quit your job so you can care for your MIL, that is only going to replacing one stressful job for another--one that goes around the clock--don't quit your job yet if that is the choice! Good luck!

Regardless of what you decide, you will need in home daycare or nursing to help with your MIL, and that will cost $$. Personally, I couldn't do it. I would keep working to support her in a facility. I know too many marriages and family lives that have been ruined when a sick grandparent was brought in -plus, if you think you're stressed now -wait until you have kids PLUS an elderly sick woman to care for! I watched my own mother go through this somewhat. My grandmother would stay with us for 2 weeks to a month when I was 12 and 13 -then my mom was an hour away a lot to help care for her. She basically missed out on A LOT of my preteen and newly teenaged life and had issues coping with the fact that I had gone from a child to a teenager with her barely noticing. If you move her in -you simply MUST have some help caring for her. You won't be spending lots of time with your kids if you're the only caretaker for grandma! You also have to think -what will I do when the kids need me at their school for an event or you need to buy groceries and run errands? Someone is going to have to stay with her.

In your story, I hear a couple of things...hate job, and then reluctance to quit. No one to care for MIL and refuse to put her in nursing facility. Here's my story. The greatest blessing I received was taking in both in-laws. I knew them very slightly, a second marriage for husband and I - but when the time came, I KNEW it was the right thing to do. Caregiving is not for every family, every situation. Jim's mom had had a stroke and the rehab facility told me Mary could walk. Please! Describe walk! Coupled with Alzheimer's and an inability to get up and walk around independently, she was soon bedridden. John, her husband, suffering from COPD and severe diabetes rounded out our family unit. I soon learned I had to take care of myself to be any good for keeping care of them.We enlisted help available at the time and their income supplemented their needs. Both of them were eligible for Hospice care, which included respite care. But 4 1/2 years later, when they both had passed, I KNEW I had done the right thing. It was scary taking them in (we added onto our home to accommodate them, further stressing me)They soon became as my own parents, and I loved them so much! Faith and a sense of humor sustained me!

Even with other family members who could/should have helped, it was Jim and I that teamed up to give them a quality end of life living situation they so richly deserved. As they both passed, it was with sadness AND satisfaction that we had done the right thing. The other family members will live with it forever, doing nothing! They relieved us ONCE in that entire period of time, dictating "they had to get back home." We quickly learned to do it on our own, with help we could get through agencies and church. That was many years ago, but as I recall it, I wouldn't do it differently for anything! It was truly the BEST time of my life - giving back....to my own family member. His mom and dad were MY parents in that time frame.

Should you decide this road is the one for you to travel, I can only reiterate that you take care of yourself first. Strength, health and a good mental attitude will be only tools to make a vary hard job a little more rewarding. You will be surprised how much assistance the family will be...a team effort to do a wonderful, compassionate service. You MIL undoubtedly has some resources to supplement what needs she will have. Medicare pays for any equipment (lifts, shower chairs, hospital beds, wheel chairs, etc) Also, church family comes in handy during this time. I can only encourage you to do it if you can. You will never regret it. It is an awesome example to be setting for your children. I have fond memories of some of the hardest days I experienced. My grandchildren and children still say "remember when Grandma...or Grandpa....this or that..." It is gratifying to know as I turned 60 this year, my children had an example set for how my final months/years of life will be handled. I wish you all the best in your decision.

Well, if a nursing facility is out of the question, then I guess someone will need to be home with her. Can she sell her house & properties to pay for some care through the week so some of the pressure is off of you for set periods of time? Good luck!

Well my grandmom had a stroke ( in the 70's) when I was a child. My mom is one of 5 kids. It was an extremely diffucult desicion for my mom, uncle and aunts to decide on.
Eveyone decided my grandmom should stay in her own apt and we hired home health aids.
Your MIL is important but you can't let the welfare of your own children,husband youself go down and get neglected. Also if you have health problems now its only going to get worse if your taking care of someone around the clock.
Good luck. Let us know the outcome.

You are a wise woman with a big heart. If you quit your job (that you hate now) you will have the grace to do this new assignment (from the Lord).
Perhaps you could do something from home to supplement your income (like network marketing) and perhaps be able to afford some occasional home health (nurse) help?

I work from home and am able to be home with my two babies. It would break my heart to have to leave them to work elsewhere.

I would find it an honor to be able to take in my mama or mother-in-law someday...and my children would love it too.

Please let us know what you decide to do.
And let me know if you would like any help coming up with ways to earn extra cash from home.

Many blessings!

No job is worth your health. Several years ago, I was in the same position and quitting the stressful job was one of the best decisions that I have ever made..

If you and your husband are unwilling to put your MIL in a nursing home, your choices are pretty limited. You or your husband should become her Power of Attorney, so you can make decisions about her care and her property. Selling her property would enable you to possibly hire someone to help you care for her. Consult an attorney and don't take all this responsibility on without finding out what your options are.

In case you wanted one more opinion.......here is mine. I am in my late 60's and I say if you take care of your MIL you will never regret it, but if you don't, you will. But this might help you with that decision. My MIL sold her house in another state, then she paid to have a 600 sq foot addition built on our house and that is where she lived. She did as much as her own cooking in her own small kitchen as she could, but we were there to help when needed, but with her own space that gave us and her more privacy. She passed away after living with us for 6 years, and then we were able to take the addition and make them into bedrooms and such. My father also lived with us, but he was basically total care, but we still say we would do it all over again. Is very satisfying to take care of your parents, but it is not easy, but still worth it. With home health aides and Senior companion programs, you can get some help. I say take care of her. She could pay you some rent every month to help you when you quit your job. You could be home with your children too. That's my opinion. thank you.

Has MIL been helping you to raise the kids? If not - it is not your job/obligation to take care of her. She has a son, if he cannot take care of her himself he needs to place her in a facility or hire someone to take care of her (with her money).
Take care of yourself, your health, tell your husband that you will stay home and take care of the kids (3 kids is plenty to keep you busy!) and that your own health problems cannot allow you to take care of your MIL.
Do not get sucked into this! Once she is on your hands you will take care of her until she dies, and with the stroke it will only get worse. She will be incontinent, confused, and even more ill tempered than she was before getting sick.
Your MIL sounds like she needs 24/7 care. You have no idea what you are sighning up for! We had a issue like that when my aunt was sick (she was never married, no kids) , my mom was unable to take care of her due to her own health problems and whole family and friends gave her/us hard time about it. My mom and us kids found a distant relative who needed money and made legal arrangements for her to inherit my aunt's house after she died (in exchange for care), we came around, supervised, visited and helped in the end when my aunt needed to be bathed (took 3 people to get her in/out bath tub!). This was the best decision for OUR family!
May be you can take a reverse mortgage on MIL's property and find her a FT caregiver in her home.
It is very hard to take care of a stroke victim,
take care of YORSELF,
Good luck!

I think you may need to compartmentalize your needs to get to the root of the situation.

You say you hat your job but I would question if it is the work that you hate, the boss or a combination of the both. For now I would strongly suggest you begin to focus on what you like about the job so you can get in there everyday and make your response to your evironment a positive one. It is easy to complain but hard to find the blessings in things. So many people right now would love to have your job but you are the one currently blessed with is. I wouldn't recommend you leave your job until you have saved some money to cover some accidentals which will surely come the minute you leave your job. Be prepared.

If MIL is not going to be living with you and even if she is it would be helpful to secure a home health aide for her to come in a few days a week a few hours a day to do some light cleaning, shopping, etc. She may also require some physical therapy which could possibly be done in the home too or transportation is going to be needed to get her to and from her physical therapy sessions.. Just be certain you are doing the follow through on her physical and emotional needs and have a clear understanding from a medical perspective of her possible future health. Be prepared.

Your children are actually at the perfect ages to really help out with their grandmother and to have many more responsibilites around the house. This will be a great help for you. By the time I was 16, I could cook a full meal, clean the house and clothes. My mom started giving us consistent responsibilities beginning at 6 years old (sweeping, and dusting). The children will learn from you how they will care for you and your husband based on how you treat their grandmother...so be prepared.

If you are that miserable at your job and you and your family can do without the paycheck, I think you should quit. Having said that, I don't think it should then become your primary responsibility to be a caregiver to you mil. Taking care of an older adult with many needs is a BIG job, one that shouldn't be taken lightly. Make sure that you and your husband know exactly what you're getting into. I don't think it's selfish or wrong of you to not want the full time responsibility of taking care of your mil. Talk openly with your husband about your feelings, so everybody is on the same page. Maybe you could agree to help out or take on specific tasks (i.e. taking her to dr. appts or helping with bathing, preparing meals, etc....) but hire someone for several hours a day or make arrangements for other family members to come over on certain days, if possible. Although your kids are not small anymore, I know that they still need you and keep you busy. They are your priority.

I don't have a magic answer. Only you know if you are capable of setting aside your worries to try to take care of your MIL. I can tell you that either it will be very rewarding (though exhausting, of course) and benefit your whole family, OR it will be too much for you, and you will have to find other care for her, and may have to go back to work outside your home. No choice that you make is necessarily permanent- if you hate it, you can change it.

This is one of those times when you do need to make a "pros" and "cons" list WITH YOUR HUSBAND, and then really talk it out. The right answer will come to you.

Blessings!

If you refuse to put Mom in a nursing facility, then what other choice is there? You say she has properties and such.....maybe some of her income can be used to hire you a bit of help. You can only do so much, and if she's in that bad of shape, she needs someone skilled and trained......at least to train you.
You can only do what you can do, and that's all. Being a full-time nurse to your MIL will be tiring, and you still have the rest of the family to take care of. Don't try to be Superwoman..........she's dead.

Well, I think it sounds like you're needed, which makes it tough to say no of course. Does your husband have any siblings? Are there any other members of the family that can come by and help out with his mom? Even if you do it, you shouldn't be expected to sacrifice every moment of your life from here on out caring for his mom. Be her primary care giver of course, but make sure the rest of the family knows that you expect a rotating duty roster of helpers to let you get out of the house and do other things you need to get done. Caring for an infant is exhausting, caring for an incapacitated adult is a Herculean effort. They're much heavier and have larger needs. Someone else from the family should be coming in at least twice a week to help out.

Try telling your husband that you make it a condition of this new "employment" that a duty roster for helpers is set up before you quit your job now and before his mom comes to your house.

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Edit: Ummm, I just read your additional information and your "what happened" response. It seems like you're changing your story a little bit, maybe? In your original post you said you didn't know if you could/wanted to do this because it's exhausting. Then in your "what happened" post you seemed offended that people wouldn't support a DIL willing to care for her MIL and that everyone only thinks of themselves. That seems conflicting to me. I actually think the moms that posted were thinking of YOU and not themselves. However, you have to understand that people see thing through the filter of their own experiences and no two lives are exactly the same.

If you want a definitive answer, I'd be the first person to tell you to do it. It's the right thing to do, of course and it's something I wouldn't hesitate to do. We wouldn't be here if not for the preceeding generation and they deserve our admiration, respect and support when they are no longer able to support themselves. It's the least we can do to pay them back for giving us life and supporting us as children. A lot of people don't appreciate that kind of directness though, so usually with something like this, most of the answers are going to be of the "do-your-homework-and-decide-what's-right-for-you" variety.

I hope that everything works out for you, whatever you end up deciding.