Consequence for 13 Year Old...

Everyone has to help out around a home. If my boys do not want to do their fair share they then miss out on things that are provided by the home, like TV, internet, video games, allowance, phones, etc.. Take away her digital connection to her friends until she falls in line.

I tell my son if you have not taken the trash out and vacuumed by the time I get back then you lose screen time for the rest of the day. That gets him moving! Each time I mention the chore I say if it's not done by x time the consequence is x. Another thing you could do is say no x (whatever it is she is spending her time doing) until this chore is done. Kids. They can be so lazy.

It would sure be a shame if her hair dryer and make up went missing overnight... She prob likes her person presentable just as you like your home presentable :)

You're working backwards here. You need REWARDS for teens, not punishment.
Oh, you want a ride to the mall?
Take out the trash.
You want $15 for the movies?
Go wash the car.
You want me to take you shopping for new clothes?
Clean up your room and organize/bag items you want to donate.
Seriously, more than punishment teens nowadays (more than ever, I think) really need to EARN their rights, privileges and goods.
I seriously think giving young people everything they want when they want it causes more harm than good.
It's HORRIBLE for their self esteem.
Make a plan, and stick with it, especially if she has a phone and/or internet.
No teenager in their right mind is going to do dishes just because you said please :-(

I highly recommend the book Love and Logic for teens. I love Jennifer's response and agree whole heartedly. Another option would be that when she needs your assistance you're not available. Example: can you take me to xyz to meet my friends. I'd be happy to as soon as you do what I ask of you the first time I ask. Or rats, I'm going to do the dishes now, my fee is $10. Would you like to pay me now or is Friday better for you?

Blessings!
L.

Updated

The consequences should be as directly related to the action/problem as possible, so it is not going to help to make up a list of arbitrary punishments.

"When we got home two and a half hours later, she had not even touched the dishes."

First, send her off to do the dishes right then.
Then find out what she was doing instead of the dishes during that time. Perhaps that thing is something she doesn't get to do again until she proves she can be responsible.

Given her age, what might be even more effective is not leaving her at home unsupervised. Instead of having the freedom to mostly do as she likes, she'd be stuck sitting bored for 2.5 hours watching her sister practice.

I don't know about your kid, but my 14 year old would much rather stay home than come along on errands or to sit and wait on his brother.

When you arrived back home, she would have then done the dishes. Even if the dishes had to wait to the next day. SHE would be doing the dishes. In my house we don't let the inmates run the asylum. If dishes aren't done timely, I have no problem getting you up an hour or two earlier to do them or those same dishes will be waiting for you the next night or afterschool.

If she acts like she doesn't want to do anything around the house that's fine. When she asks you for anything, the answer is remember when you were supposed to do this or that and didn't well I don't want to do anything for any member of this house that doesn't pitch in.

These two things together along with rewards may get you to her being more compliant. Heck even as adults there are things we don't want to do but we do what we must because we must. Even disciplining the children. LOL

She's 13. She can do her own laundry. Set a day for her to do her laundry.

What was she doing that 2.5 hours? Was she doing homework or watching TV? Or playing on the computer?

If she was NOT doing homework? She loses electronic privileges for one week.

You need to sit down with her and give her a list of things she MUST do in order to make the house and family run smoothly. It is NOT YOUR job alone.

Everyone has a chore. Everyone contributes. Mommy is not the maid. Mommy is NOT the "do-it-all" mommy.

Have a family meeting. Make sure everyone is on the same page.

I would cut out electronics during the school week. ESPECIALLY if she can't life a finger to help the FAMILY....that would bother me...so I would take away electronics, cell phone, XBOX, computer (with the exception of homework), tablet, Nook, IPod, etc. and tell her she needs to be more active in her family and be responsible.

Good luck!

Don't do things for her. Don't do her laundry, don't make her any special meals, don't drive her anywhere. When she asks "why?" let her know that you can't help her and do her favors if she can't reciprocate that.

If it were me (and it never would be because I have instilled respect and discipline in my GD and she would NEVER defy me like that - she knows better) I would take every dish out of every cupboard and make her wash, dry and put away every single dish in the house. Then she will realize that it's much easier and faster to do what you asked than not.

My mom did that to both me and my sister because we weren't taking the time to get all the dishes clean. Let me tell you, after that we inspected those dishes to make sure they would pass muster!

Or, simply tell her that since she can't help wash the dishes, she can't use any of the dishes and she will need to take her allowance to the dollar store and buy her own dishes that she will be responsible for. If you find "her dishes" laying around, throw them away and she will have to buy new ones.

If your daughter feels free to ignore you this way, you have more problems than some dirty dishes!

Yep, I would remove the cable cord and not mention it to her. Of course she will turn on the TV and it won't work. She will call and ask if you know what is wrong and then you can tell her that you have the cord. When she asks why, let her know that you noticed the dishes didn't get done when you returned yesterday and thought you would take the cord to work. It will likely spark a small argument and I would say if the work is done I will bring it back.

I was that way with my older daughter and if the younger one plays with something during homework time, just ask if I can see it and I might place it on the table next to me or toss it across the room...it depends on my mood and of course the size of the toy. In any event, she just grabs her pencil and goes back to work.

Consequences that fit the crime: Well, as an adult, we do our chores before we "play." So give her the dishes as well as several other chores. Ensure that she knows she isn't allowed to "play," watch TV, use an electronic device, or do any sort of recreation until her chores are done. Let her know that if she continues to avoid her chores, the list will get longer.

THAT is a real life consequence. When you procrastinate, the list gets longer.

Not eating doesn't fit the "crime." Sorry, it just doesn't. If she were complaining about what you served during mealtime, taking away dinner would make sense. Taking away dinner because she didn't wash the dishes and decided to watch TV instead is nonsensical.

The punishment should fit the crime. Dishes not done - she can feed herself tomorrow. You can still cook whatever you have planned, but she won't be invited to eat any of it. She's on her own. She will be responsible for cooking and cleaning her own meals. If she eats cereal all day, fine. It's even better if you happen to fix all of her favorite foods.

sometimes punishments and rewards are still called for (a teen is still a kid after all) but tweens and young teens need to start getting bumped toward adulthood, and that means more discussion and negotiation, and less laying down edicts.
i like that you asked her courteously. i think the best response is to remain in that courteous mode. no TV is not a bad response. does that include all screened things? i think for me it would. you need your consequence to have some degree of teeth. but what will really turn the tide, i think, is to make sure that she truly understands the nature of living in a cooperative microcosm of society. so an even better consequence might be to let the dishes go with nothing more than a scowl and 'i see the dishes aren't done yet. i want the kitchen clean, so i'm going to do them, but i'm not happy about this.' and then the next time she wants to go to the mall, or a particular grooming item purchased, or some other privilege, the response would be 'i'm feeling about the same degree of urgency about your request as you did about those dishes. so yeah, i'll take you. when i feel like it. i don't feel like it right now.'
this can't be played out forever, obviously. but it might be the jolt she needs to really get that families need a rhythm and flow to operate in a way that keeps everyone on an even keel.
i assume she does her own laundry at this age, right?
another way to handle it would be to take care of your own stuff, and make her start taking care of hers. if she won't help out with food prep or clean-up, you don't cook for her. if she defiantly says she won't participate with family meals and just trashes the kitchen on her own, restrict her to crackers and yogurt and cereal, stuff that's easy enough for you to keep up with. if she won't clean up the living room, she doesn't get to watch tv out there. if she retreats to her room (which probably has internet and cable if she's anything like most modern teens) and refuses to do anything to help outside it, she loses the tv and computer.
the thing is to tie her actions (or lack of them) to the direct functioning of the family. it's not always possible to adhere strictly to that, but it's the best starting point. and always remember to thank her for spontaneous (or even not so spontaneous<G>) episodes of helpfulness and responsibility, and give her privileges commensurate with her contributions.
khairete
S.

I like that you asked her to please do something to benefit the family. It sounds like you were polite. Always a good start. But so far she doesn't understand that household chores have a direct effect on everyone else.

Both children should have chores on a regular basis. Those can be age-appropriate but can take the same amount of time (and that's the time it takes a normal person to do them, not the stalling techniques of a reluctant child).

The punishment can be almost anything at this age - you take away what they want. Punishments don't have to be so immediate at this age because they are old enough to make the connection. You also have to consider that there is a different between a punishment and a consequence. So what was she doing while you were gone for 2.5 hours? Homework? Then the consequence should have been doing the dishes when you got back, plus something else. If she was watching TV or texting her friends, then the punishment of no TV is fine. But you still institute the chores and she has to do tomorrow's dishes. If she doesn't, the consequence is that there are no dishes and so you don't prep a meal for her. (And no, she can't order take out - she has to actually make something.) The other consequence is that you can't do what she needs because YOU are washing the dishes upon your return. So there is no time to (fill in the blank…) help with her homework, drive her to the mall, do her laundry so she has her favorite shirt for the next day, pick up X at the store. Whatever her reason was for not doing the dishes ("I forgot" or "I didn't feel like it") is what YOU say to her. You say it in a way that makes it very clear that there's a direct connection - "I know how you feel about the dishes. I didn't feel like doing your laundry." Or you say you didn't have time to do anything else because you were too tired from doing the dishes.

So the consequence is that you don't have time to do X for her. The punishment should be for outright defiance, eye-rolling, disrespect, or repeated refusal to do stuff, etc. Does that make sense?

If she gives you attitude (which a lot of kids this age will do), then you take away electronics - TV, computer, cell phone. She might argue that she needs a computer for homework, so you have to police it, but that means you walk into her room constantly and look over her shoulder at what she is working on. It will drive her crazy. It will make the point.

Separately, you make a list of regular chores. You can either assign them, or you can allow both kids to make some choices about which ones they will be responsible for. That's good family teamwork - everyone chooses how they will help. As long as it doesn't matter to you which ones you do, you can let them pick first. Otherwise you take turns picking, and you post the list. Failure to do a chore means that someone else (you or your husband) can hand off one of your chores to them as well.

I've seen a "chore bucket" on different parenting sites - you have a bucket for stuff you either find on the floor (shoes, gloves, lunch boxes, clean clothes they didn't hang up, whatever) that you have had to confiscate for mis-use (like a cell phone during homework time). In order to get it back, the child has to pick a job from a bunch of choices. Those jobs are written on large popsicle sticks (from the craft store) or strips of cardboard and stuck in an envelope taped to the outside of the bucket. The kid picks a job, does the chore, and then gets the item back. It gives them a little control (choice of job) but it makes the consequence immediate and makes it more inconvenient for the child than putting the item in its place to begin with. I thought it was brilliant and wished someone had told me about it when my kid was doing what your kid is doing!

The goal of chores is to teach kids that many hands make light work, and that the family doesn't function unless people pull their weight. I don't know how old your younger one is, but if she's in a long play rehearsal, she's probably in elementary school. So every kid above the age of 3 can do something: sweep the kitchen floor, take her own dishes to the sink, dust, feed the dog, bring in the mail. Elementary school kids can load the dish washer and probably unload it (maybe watch the glassware), bring a load of laundry to the laundry area, wipe down a bathroom counter, sort laundry and put away, dust, walk the dog, take out the trash, sort the recycling, empty the wastebaskets. Tweens and teens can do their own laundry (not just put it in the washer - anyone can do that! The work is putting it in the dryer and folding/sorting it!), clean out the car, shovel the front walk, empty the cat's litter box, wash windows and bathroom mirrors.

Start with some basic assignments, then praise praise praise when done, and make it clear that YOU now have more time and energy to do other things. Have a family movie night, play a board game, anything that shows them the benefit of cooperation. You are not their slave. And you will build them with a bunch of skills they will need when they go off to college or the working world - self-sufficiency, cooperation, time management.

Good luck!

TV has nothing to do with dishes at all...a natural consequence is that she doesn't get to eat meals because her dishes are dirty and until she washes them she doesn't have anything to eat on.

Giving her consequences that are attached to the chore not done can often make the biggest impact.

Was TV picked because that's what she did instead?

I'd say she has plenty of other things to occupy her time and not having TV for an evening would be not big deal.

When my daughter refused to clean her room for several weeks I went in and took every single thing from her room except her bed. She had no clothes in the closet, no shoes, no underwear, nothing.

I had a huge closet in my room that I could have put a twin size bed in. I put her entire belongings in that closet and locked it.

She had to ask permission to have underwear for school and "I" picked out her clothes for her. I didn't necessarily pick out cute stuff either.

She begged me to let her clean her room and I don't think I had any major problems after that.

Take away her phone. That always gets my 12 year old moving in a hurry. It only took one time of losing her phone and having to earn it back with extra chores. Now when I give her a task to do, the threat of losing the phone is implied, and that's usually all it takes for her to cheerfully complete the task!

If she doesn't have a phone, is there anything else she particularly likes to do? Video games, or sports practices? My daughter is a ballet fanatic and has lessons/rehearsals every day but Sunday, so the threat of not going to do that would be a big motivator for her. I've never had to use that threat, but if I needed to, I would.

I have 2 kids, 15 and 12. I have a chore chart on the fridge. It's 2 pages, one page for each week and it rotates. The daily chores are homework and dishes and homework and trash. then each kid has anther chore to do. On different days they have to vacuum upstairs, vacuum downstairs, clean bathrooms, laundry, clean rooms, declutter upstairs, declutter downstairs. So one kid does one list one week then it switches to the other kid the other week. I DO NOT expect it to be perfectly clean, it's more the consistency of doing it and as they do it, it will get better. But the way it works is they MUST do what's on the chart before they do ANYTHING FUN. That means, tv, phone, games systems, friends, outside, swimming, biking, whatever. And we don't have to TELL them or ASK them to do it, they can read and know what to do. If they do NOT do any of the chores for that day, they lose electronics for the entire next day. And that next day they do the prior day's chores then that days chores as well. Get it? So there is no fighting. You simply know when they get home from school that they have chores, you check when you get home from work or when you see them having "fun" and if they didn't do something, you don't fight, you just say, I see you were supposed to clean the bathroom today and I just looked and it isn't done. So tomorrow you will clean it and your other chore and not be on any electronics until your chores are caught up. You just keep adding the chores and no fun until they know to do it on their own. Just don't be a hitler about it and she'll get it. Hope this helps. Good luck.

Does she have any "regular" duties? I mean... is doing the dishes something she does on a regular basis, or was it just something you threw out there on you way out the door and she didn't know what to do?

We started ours a lot earlier (I have a 13 yr old as well). They've been helping empty the dishwasher, clean up after dinner, taking out the kitchen trash and re-bagging the can, etc for many years now.

Does she have any favorite tech toys that you can put in a time-out or something? Does she have ongoing chores that you could add to? It's hard to suggest what to do without knowing what is expected of her on a regular basis.

She still has to do the dishes. Just because they didn't get done in the time allotted doesn't mean she doesn't have to do them. Is it bedtime? Stay up late and do dishes. Is it family fun time? Miss out because you are doing dishes. Next time you specify that you want them done by the time you get home, and then give a consequence, such as missing tv time or video game time.

If she can't do the dishes, there won't be any clean dishes for her to eat her meals on. Or you could simply let her cook her own meals if she can't do her part of the meal (clean up).

A positive discussion of what everyone in the family does to make it run might be in order. She is likely completely oblivious to the time it takes you to shop, prep and cook dinner. In her world it likely just appears fully prepared on her plate.

And while it is obvious to adults that a polite request to do the dishes is not really a request but an instruction, you may need to go back to thinking like a toddler. Can you please do the dishes offers her the choice of yes or no. Honey, please be sure you do the dishes before you do x, is a clear but polite instruction.

I don't see what no tv would have to do with doing dishes so I don't see how that fits the crime.

I am a firm believer in consequences. I like to be creative in my consequences because it makes a "statement". =)

I would have the time fit the crime. She didn't clean up the dishes, then I wouldn't do anything to help her. I would tell her that families help each other and when one doesn't help, there are consequences.

When she asks you to do something for her say "oh honey, I would love to but I am just so darn busy" sit down and read a magazine. When she gets upset, smile and say "doesn't feel good when family won't help does it"?

13 is such a sucky age. Our daughter was such a brat at that age.