Consequenses for 12-Year Old

These answers are all things I have done....

Cleaning room - give her a time frame. When you walk in to the room after that, anything on the floor is fair game. Meaning that you take it and do something with it - put it in a closet (not hers), trash it, put it in a bag, etc. When she loses enough stuff or something she cares about, she'll do the job right.

Clothes - only wash the clothes that are in her room hamper. any clothes left on the bathroom floor go in to a bag in a closet (not hers). When she doesn't have her favorite jeans or top or in some cases, NOTHING clean to wear, it's her problem.

Cleaning the yard - you can either make this happen, or wait for it, but when she gets dog poop on her shoes, it will be her fault for not having cleaned it up.

OMG, this is my 12 year old daughter! Except mine sounds worse! She can not clean her room!!! I can not see the carpet anymore! I've tried taking away everything and her dad said he is going to take away her school basketball. I thought that was a little harsh so then I try to teach her to hang up her clothes (for the hundreth time) as soon as she takes them off or put them in the laundry. I'm afraid it's a losing battle. We've even made her watch "Horders" to no avail. I was just going to post something about her, but I will wait to see what answers you get!

Good grief. I think she sounds like a really good kid.

1. She is supposed to keep her room clean,

2. clean her bathroom,

3. and do after-dinner kitchen cleaning a few nights a week.

4. She also does her own laundry

5.and picks up the dog poo in the backyard once a week.

6. All of this as well do well in school and is well behaved at school..

Is it her bathroom? Or is it a family bathroom? She does her own laundry? Does that include the towels she uses and clothes that were on the floor?

You do realize this seems like a SUPER good kid?

"Half assed " - Based on your standards. To her she washed the dishes and straightened the kitchen.. She washes her own dirty laundry..

Meet her half way and ask her.. "How can I help you remember that I like the kitchen to be TOTALLY cleaned?... " Specifically, remember to rinse out the sink, once the water has drained? " (I hate this part also.. When I am done, I am done, I hate waiting that last 30 seconds for all of the water to drain out..) But I am always working at lightening speed to get to the fun parts of my day.. I just rinse it out the next morning before I prepare breakfast. No big deal to me.

You - to daughter.. "When I say keep your bathroom clean, I mean I also do not want to ever see any clothing or towels on the floor. How can you (daughter) remember to do this? Do you need some hooks in there? Do you need a hamper that is kept in here? Tell me a solution.. "

I am assuming there is a lot of
1. "thank you for picking up the poop.".

2. "Thank you for cleaning the kitchen.."

3. "Boy your bathroom looks great."

4. "We sure are proud of your grades"

5. "Wow, we keep hearing about all of these terrible kids, but we are so lucky to have you as a daughter."

Always include her in solutions so that she can come up with ways for this to help..

To me, I do not see any of this as "grounding offenses" unless she were to just refuse to do any of this at all.

Instead, I would tell her, I" sure am put out that I had to finish cleaning the kitchen because you did not remember to rinse out the sink.. "

Or, "you know, those clothes on the bathroom floor we
re not cheap.. I do not like seeing $60. worth of clothes on the floor.."

"Please close your bedroom door. It makes me mad that you have your good clothing on your floor. It makes me think you do not deserve nice things".

Mom, I know it is frustrating, but this can totally be solved with communication and appreciation.. see if it works.. Avoid Punishment when not necessary. Hang in there..

Not much around the house? Wow - I think that's a lot. I'm sure from her POV your 2 year old gets way more attention and of course does no chores. She's 12 so doesn't really get the big picture so she might be a bit resentful... Even without that, I think her chore list is pretty long. She's just a kid. I certainly didn't do my laundry at that age. My mom said it was her job. And she does ALL the kitchen clean up a few nights a week? That's about 1/2 the time which is a lot. I used to help my mother if I didn't have homework at that age but never was totally responsible for all the dinner clean up. What's your husband doing after dinner? You're putting the 2 year old to bed, she's cleaning the kitchen, what's he doing? I would reevaluate. THere have been other posts about bedrooms being kept clean etc. If she's doing her own laundry, why is it such an issue if she leaves some clothes on the floor in HER bathroom? And most people agree a kid's room is their room. She's young enough now to maybe not be really battling with you but as she gets older, I think it'll get worse if you don't ease up. I think you're expecting too much.

This is normal. She's doing the job...but you have to teach her the level of detail you expect. For instance, I had to explain to my boys that a clean kitchen meant that the sink be rinsed out, the sponge and brushes rinsed and wrung out and stacked neatly by the sink, etc.

I told my kids (10 and almost 12) that they have to be dirt police because I'm a dirt DETECTIVE and will be coming in to find all signs of dirt for them to clean up. It's much easier if they find the dirt before I do, and chores take less time too!

I also tell them that their chores have to be done to standard before they can do anything else. Me or Dad inspect their work. No TV, playing, reading, anything...until their chores are done to standard.

She's still a kid...so you have to be patient and willing to guide her.

ETA: I suggest you have your husband inspect while you're putting your 2yo down. There's no reason he can't be involved in the process.

sounds like typical tween (teen) behavior. I wouldnt punish per say but I would make her redo it the next day until it is to your liking. She will realize that its easier to be done right the first time.

I suggest that you need to check on her job immediately after she says she's finished and when it's not up to par you tell her what needs to be done and have her do it. Then check again. Keep doing this until the job is finished. You have to teach her what you expect and just like in the adult world where a supervisor stays involved until one is trained and able to do the job, you have to stay with her.

I would take a quick break from putting the little one to bed and check.

Talk with her ahead of time about what you expect. Put in writing what the job should look like when it's done correctly. I found with my daughter that my idea of a job well done and hers was different. Now that she's a mom and dealing with the same issue, I'm aware that I was too particular. I would reduce my expectations if I had it to do over.

My idea is to get her in the habit or routine of doing the job first. The second step would be to improve the quality of her work. Make doing the job a multi-step process. Use lots of praise. I started out saying "good job but now you have to do such and such." What a downer for my daughter. I'd tell her before I started the process that I was going to work first on getting her to do the job on time and I'd praise her for making an attempt. Then, at a different time, I'd talk with her about standards and start working on those.

After your SWH: Consequences should be as close as possible to the lesson you're wanting to teach. Grounding is totally unrelated. She's apt to get angry because she doesn't understand the connection and the lesson will be lost on her. It would be much more effective to have her redo the job until it's done right. This would teach her how to do the job and would not be punishment. Punishment just does not work. Discipline teaches.

It would make sense to require that she stay in her room until it's cleaned. Or stay in the kitchen until the dishes are done, to not be able to watch TV or be on the computer or use the phone until the job is done. The consequence needs to be immediate and related to the "offense." Grounding would be for not coming home on time, for sneaking out, for being dishonest about where she's going or what she's doing. Even for not getting her homework done. She is grounded until she brings up her grades. This gives her time and space to do her homework.

I suggest you read the book, Love and Logic by Foster Cline or books by Jane Nelson to learn more about effective discipline. Parents are much more effective when their goal is to teach and not to punish.

Your daughter sounds distractable – pretty normal for a 12yo, and a problem I've had my whole life. I still have to go back and finish half-finished jobs. It's not intentional; other things just jump to the front of the line while I'm working. My mom used to punish me AND make me do the job over. Seemed (still seems) very unfair. I could never catch up to having a clean slate, and I was always convinced there was something fundamentally "wrong" with my very existence.

Organizing thoughts and follow-through may need checklists for your daughter. Help her work up her own checklist for each task, thinking through each step, perhaps while she's doing the work. Put these is a prominent place where she can check herself. Help her understand that the purpose is to empower herself, and to achieve excellence. She may not be familiar with those experiences.

And when she does complete a job, be sure to give her at least a positive, appreciative comment. Nobody likes to feel taken for granted, which is something I've seen way too many parents do to their children. I've heard the argument, "Well, kids take parents for granted." True. But that's the basic setup starting at infancy. We have to teach them what appreciation feels like in order for them to learn to express it.

The first thing you and your husband has to recognize is that she is not you, she is not going to do things exactly as you would. Yes, sometimes that comes out half-assed. Yeah, I get it, I get it can be frustrating. I've got 8 kids, some are better then others at doing things 'my' way.

Key, word is my way. I have had to learn to adjust how I look at it, not with towels though, towels have to be tri-folded or it drives me insane, but everything else...

Dishes, all done, okay not the final rinse of the sink, but hey 98% of everything else is...A to that child. I mean really, a 98 isn't that bad (in school that's a passing) and if I only have to go run some water in the sink I have won. I seriously got the better end of that stick!

Is it her bathroom, is she the only one effected by it? If so, then what's the issue. Now a family bathroom is a little different, could you imagine if all 8 of my kids left their clothes on the floor? It's not pretty, in my case I just picked them up and 'lost' them, but honestly if they had their own, I'd leave the mess up to them. However that didn't mean I didn't come across the occasional pair of underwear, pants, socks, in that case I just picked them up and moved along.

I'm a SAHM so I tend to do the laundry, it's easier and with as many as I have my system works better when it's not interrupted, but that doesn't mean that they can't help out on occasion. I'm not sure why she has to be responsible for hers? That does seem excessive for her age.

What has to be remembered her is that she is 12...12, you and your husband have had years to learn how to do things, figure out how you want things, she's had only 12 years on this planet and the first half probably had nothing to do with cleaning the house. Back off a little and remember 90% is an A and a lot better then some kids can do.

i'll address this in two prongs...

1. what do you do when she "half asses" the chores? do you just do it, then ground her? or do you make her finish up her chore? i'd suggest making some time for her - it sounds like you're "busy" with the younger child from after dinner all the way until bedtime. maybe she's acting out b/c she wants attention? i'll admit i may be WAY off base with that, i'm not accusing you of ignoring her, i'm just saying look at that as a POSSIBLE viewpoint. she may very well just be "lazy", idk.

2. that seems like a LOT of chores for a child. she's probably in middle school at 12, goes to school all day long, does homework, then has to clean the kitchen and do her laundry/clean the bathroom - when does she get to just chill out? again, your family, your rules - just seems like a lot for a kid...

Without having read other answers:

I think that you should break each task down to a step-by-step checklist. She has to review each task and then show you the completed checklist. If she misses a step after having checked it off, she does not get to use tv/computer/kindle for the rest of that day (or if it's evening, the next day).

Can your husband also back you up by checking on her, so that she doesn't get to go off to her own entertainments after kitchen/after dinner duties? That might help.

I'd avoid lectures, just "I see that X didn't get done. Please fix it." And certainly, create a routine so that the tasks are done at specific times/days. If the task isn't finished and she wants to do something with a friend... "wow, what a bummer that you didn't *really* do the job. Now you will have to spend your time doing that instead of X."

I'd really do an 'initial as you go' step-by-step chart as a way for her to monitor herself independently. And when you do see success, make it count. Maybe giving her privileges for doing well (staying up a bit later, extra media time, taking her to the mall and letting her pick out something cute like a couple tee shirts or some earrings) will also encourage her to see that you *do* notice.

ETA: I do agree that this is a lot. How about relaxing on having her do her room and bathroom (have a 'check in' on this once a week or every other week... she is the one who has to deal with those messes). Is there a reason she does her own laundry? Could that be altered so that you get to spend time together folding clothes? Could your husband spend time with her on the dishes, so one washes and the other rinses? I had a lot of chores as a kid and was pretty lonely when I did them. She might be feeling the same way-- perhaps her flubbing the tasks is some subconscious attention-getting?

Honestly, I think you seem a little too rigid and punish too much. I'd overrule my husband in your shoes. Also, sometimes you have to let someone do a chore their way, rather than insist it is done your way. You should try backing off and relaxing a bit. Stop griping at her all the time and praise her instead.

You can try a check list?

My version of cleaning the kitchen and my husbands are two totally differnt things. Same thing with your daughter.

Check list, Table cleared, counters wiped, dishwasher loaded, floor swept, sink rinsed.. etc.

Bathroom, Sink rinsed, toilet cleaned, floor washed, all clothing towles in right full place.. (hamper or hook).

It might help her do the finishing touches.

But remember she is a kid, while responsibility is great... she is a kid.

:)

I'm very curious why you say your 12 yo dd does not do much in the way of chores! I was so angry after reading your post as this poor girl might as well live on her own! She does her own laundry, yard work, cleans room and bathroom?!? She sounds like Cinderella to me.
All kids need chores and at 12 I was mature and watched my siblings, cleaned room but I had a mom too that took care if her kids. Children have plenty of time to get their own place and do absolutely everything on their own.
I sure hope you and your husband rethink punishing her for not meeting your high standards as she is a child and is trying. What impresses me most is she does well in school with that much stress at home.

FIrst of all she is 12..... NOT an adult. This is a very life changing part of her life with puberty, school, emotions. SHE needs someone to listen to her, talk to her and let her know that she is somebody and has a purpose.

Don't set your expectations to perfect. She is a child who is learning how to do things. Show some appreciation and validate her efforts to help.

I would reward her for the extra efforts and the over the top quality of work she does vs discipline her for not being perfect.

You have a 2 yr old... you are demading that your 12 yr old be able to complete chores the way an adult would while you are taking care of the baby. She is already taking a load off your hands.

I know it is hard if you are set in your ways with specific chores. I have a specific way I load the dishwasher and fold towels but when my husband or dauhter take care of those chores for me.... I say thank you.

Maybe show her some appreciation because when that baby was born 2 yrs ago, your then 10 yr old probably took on more responsibilities than a lot of 10 yr olds do.

I don't mean to sound rude but my opinion is ...... lighten up and be appreciative for what she does do.

I suggest that you're not giving her enough for doing what she's doing. Rewarding her for what's she has done will make her want to do more. I earn money when I work or do things, it's the way things work. Taking away things for what she doesn't do only emphasizes the negative of her chores, it does nothing to tell her she did a good job on anything.

I suggest you say it something like this...

"Sweetie, you did such a good job making your bed today. I just want to say I appreciate how hard you worked on that. Thank you! High five!".

Then walk away. She'll want more appreciation and acknowledgments so she'll subconsciously start doing better. The more you notice every little detail she does do right the more of the others she'll start working on.

As for the rest of her stuff, she is doing a lot for a kid her age. I think dad needs to do some stuff too. Maybe he could clean the kitchen while you put the kiddo to bed or you could clean your own kitchen while dad bathes little one and puts them to bed. That's what my hubby does. Our girl does her homework and stuff after dinner so she's busy. I take care of the food and stuff, hubby cleans the kitchen when he's done with other stuff.

I have 12yo twin daughters. All I ask is that they make their beds in the morning and get themselves ready for the day (ie: brush teeth, hair eat etc...) Then, they must do their homework when we get home from school. I have to remind them to shower...lol!

I do ask that they pick up their rooms and any of their items around the house that are theirs and return those items to their rooms.
If I ask them to do one of these things and they say ok and then don't do it, I ask again and stand there until they move to do it. They cannot resume their normal activity until its done and done in a neat and orderly fashion.

When I ask for help, I expect help but, I do not expect it daily or even weekly. I ask once in a while for the trash to be put out, the dog to be fed, the dishes to be cleaned off but it is on a "as needed basis". With me not having high demands and expectations, things get done when I do ask. I rarely get a fight. I don't give allowances. I just ask for help because we are all members of the household and need to pitch in together.

There are rare instances where I have problems in which case "nothing seems to work". I can yell, take away electronics, no TV, no friends, etc....and it doesn't seem to bother them. So, they get to either sit on the stairs with nothing to do or in front of the door for 10-20 minutes until they are ready to do what I ask. It's torture for them because they cannot talk or do anything. By then, they are willing to help me.

Sorry S. for all the moms who are being rather harsh to you (unecessarily), But I don't feel like what you are asking of her is to much AT ALL!! My daughter is in the same boat and she is 10 (almost 11). My husband and I work full time and its important that all four of us contribute to the cleanliness of the household. Why would 12 years old be to young to expect a few chores out of them especially when they are contributing to those messes in the first place. Its not like you are asking her to scrub floors on her hands and knees or mow the yard. These are all very simple and easy chores that I think are perfect for that age. Such JUDGEMENT on here its rediculous. The question here isn't How much chores is to much for a 12 yr old....the Question was how do you get them to follow through and finish their chores. It might be easy for stay-at-home moms to do all the chores for their kids...but I don't have that much free time. So yes she will help out and do her share. At 13 years old I was babysitting 3 kids. And was paid extra if i did laundry so I was glad I knew how to do laundry..lol I also disagree with paying an allowance for those types of chores. All the chores you listed are things she contributes to. Its her bedroom and her bathroom that she is asked to clean and she eats meals so asking to help set/clear the table is not "Cinderlla slave labor" sheesh, and it is probably her dog that makes the mess outside...I can see paying an allowance if she washes the car or Cleans and scrubs "my" bathroom. Those are ways she earns money. I do agree that you could reward her for finishing a job the way it should be like...letting her pick the movie, or painting her nails for her...just a small token that you appreciate her efforts. Praise for a job well done goes a long way. Good luck..

I have the same exact problem with my almost 13yr old daughter.

post a list of your expectations in clear and relevant places-
on the fridge for kitchen tasks
on the bathroom mirror for bathroom tasks
on the bedroom for bedroom tasks

Tell her that you will be inspecting the work, and she will need to do it over again if it isn't completed.

Allow her to outsource- If she gets an allowance of $20 a week, she can pay you $5 for every time you have to do a job of hers because it wasn't done satisfactorily. If she exceeds the weekly allowance, she can dip into savings. If she depletes her savings, she can get a paper route. I outsource, maybe she can/ should too.

Allow her to pick substitute chores. If she is incapable/ unable/ unwilling to clean the sink, maybe she can take out the trash, the recycling, sweep/ scrub the floors/ dust vacuum, etc. She's still contributing to the household economy and lightening your load.

Last resort- go on strike.

Good luck to you and yours,
F. B.

I have the same exact problem with my 14 year old boy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!