Constant Fighting

I am a sahm of two boys as well one 6 and one 2 and I worried my whole pregnancy that they would fight or that my oldest would be mean to him he had been a only child for 4 yrs on top of this I was dealing with the fact that my oldest one is ADHD,with aggresiveness,odd and mmr now then he has also be diaginosed high end autisum. but, they are great together yes they have there fights about toys i try to buy them the same toys so that they cant fight about it when nothing else works good luck though I think they all go through it now and again.

For their ages, it's completely normal. They don't yet understand boundaries and sharing. In their world, everything is "mine mine mine", as it should be at this age. I would say to keep reinforcing the "sharing" rules and try a 1 minute time out, a piece, if they don't follow the rules. That's pretty much all you can do at this point. Try explaining that it's not nice to take things from the other.

You are at a hard age for cooperative play with both of them but it will get better I have some rules that I implemented since mine were little and it has developed a great sibling relationship.

So this is the deal in my house....

1) If a toy is used to hurt another person it gets taken away(It could be the rest of the day, or just a few minutes butit is gone no matter who did what) and explained that it has to go if it is being used that way. In the same way if a toy is fought over and it comes to blows...same thing.

2) If said toy is used a few times it is explained that it will be given away...gone... if it is used that way again. And then it goes if it is used that way again. Freecycle.com

3) The words are..."when you're done can I have a turn" and the response is "whenI'm done you can have a turn" That interaction must me respected....with no favoritism. I often help the other one find something equally as fun to play with "while they are waiting". Yours is very young for this but my 19 mo old says "turn" as her part of the conversation and that is fine, she know whats going on.

4) The oldest (4 in may house) has to know that the little ones are little. His "job" is to teach them the words and often teach them how to use toys/games etc. so that he has control and feels like a big boy and the little ones begin to trust and woork cooperatively with the older ones. This relationship should be fostered all the time. Often I ask my older on eto hold the younger's hand while crossing the street (as I walk close by, but he gets the responsibily of teh job) HE LOVES THIS! He shows her candyland, puzzles, trucks...sometimes frustrated but she wants to watch him and do the big kid things so is tryingto work cooperatively.

On the same track, they LOVE doing mommy things, breaking up broccoli into pieces, mixing pancakes, cleaning the table. This can be used to your advantage. I said last night...if you don't clean up the puzzles you can't help me "cut the mushrooms for dinner" and the scurried around to clean up!

5) Hitting is never ok. Help them use their words to say I DON'T LIKE THAT, Don't hit me etc. so they get a chance to tell the other how they want to be treated but then the resolution MUST come next. At their age, that's your thankless job to mediate. Books helped by son not bite "teeth are not for biting" and there is "hands ar not for hitting".

I think they may be too young to understand that what they are doing is hurtful. I do think you are doing the right thing by making them give the toys back and I think if you stay with this they are soon (esp. the oldest)going to be able to understand and it will then stop. I can make any promises bc kids (esp. siblings)always tend to fight.

Oh Hunn ur goin to have this!! Mine are 14 and 9 and do it ALL the time still!! Im going insane as well!!
I hope u find some answers...I havent yet!!
Hugs from one mom to another thats goin thru this!!
((hugs))

I have 2 daughters who do the same thing. Jayden is 24 months and Nia is almost 10 months. Jayden out of no where will push her over when she's sitting down, or pull her hair, etc. for no reason. Then Nia pulls Jayden's hair whenever she's not looking or gets too close to her,lol. I feel your frustration, but it's normal. I just want to rip my hair out sometimes cause I just am at my wit's end. I can make a few suggestion's but I don't know if it will work for your boy's. I have tried everything like you, so what I started doing was telling Jayden that if she didn't give her sister the toys back that I was going to throw them in the garbage or give them away to little girls who were good girls and didn't act bad,lol. I know it sounds silly but it works for me. I know you said you tried the bed thing but I also tell Jayden if she's a bad girl she's going to bed and I say " Ok let's go, were going to bed". That work's for me as well.

I don't think they're too young at all, just make it something they understand. For mine, which are 15 months apart, they also went through a phase where they were fighting over everything. So, to put a stop to it, every single time they started fighting over a toy or threw it or whatever it was at that moment, I walked over, took the toy and put it up on top of the fridge or entertainment center. The only thing I ever said was "you can have it back when you play nice." and that was only IF I said everything. Eventually they will learn that fighting with or over a toy = having the toy taken away. Children learn through repetition. That's why it's soooo important to be consistent with your discipline. Try it, trust me, it will work, and if it doesn't, it atleast takes the stress off of you because you will be using the same consequence everytime without having to get worked up over it.

My first two sons are 19 months apart. I remember the days when my husband would come home from work & I was exhausted from being the referee all day. I even threatened to get a striped shirt. My sons are now 12 & 10. They are GREAT friends. I hope this advice helps. The first thing is they are too young to figure this out on their own, you must give them the skills to learn how to cooperate. I am not a big fan of allowing the older sibling always getting their stuff back or not having their stuff destroyed. Life is like this we do not live in a perfect world. It is a great time to teach your older son to have mercy on others. Also it is not OK for the younger son to get to call all the shots. It is taxing, but you really need to be there working things out WITH them. I promise it will pay off. Keep them together, this is helping them to grow into responsible matuer humans. I know you didn't mention where your faith is, but this is a gem. One thing we did that really helped, was to have each son give the other a blessing at the end of every day. They would make a little cross on the other's forehead and say "God bless you, I love you" I was in shock as to how this created a bond between them. It also helped to give me strenght & encouragement to face the next day. Eventually they moved through this phase and became great pals especially when their next brother was born & then we got to do it all over again!

Have you tried rewarding the behavior you want to see?

When the youngest takes the toy away from his brother, you take it away and put it somewhere he can see it; however, when you see him doing something nice, praise him like crazy and give him the toy back. The same goes with the oldest, look for the things he is doing right and reinforce those.

It will be a give and take. Of course, biting, pushing, throwing, etc. needs to be disciplined; however, if you really give praises on the things they are doing right, you might see some changes. It may take them a little bit to figure it out, but they will. Everyone loves to be praised...it doesn't matter if you are a child or adult.

It won't fix it all, they are kids and still learning, but it might make it easier. Hang in there....they are at a busy age...so much to see and learn, so little self control!!!

I highly recommend the book Siblings Without Rivalry. Your boys are very young -- too young to be expected to share without alot of help. Sharing nicely without constant reminders doesn't usually develop until children are 4 or 5 years old. You might want to start buying 2 of everything. :-) Work on sharing, but have realistic expectations! Punishments rarely work - try discipline. The best discipline for their ages are distraction and redirection. Natural consequences will work for the 2 year old - he throws a toy and it goes away for a little while (toy timeout box). But just remember their ages and have realistic expectations then when they act their age (which is sounds like they are doing) you won't be as upset. Almost all 2 year olds go through a hitting/biting/pushing phase - that's totally normal and expected. They mostly do it because they lack verbal skills to express themselves. Teach him the words and appropriate actions (You are mad because your brother took your toy. Next time don't hit, come tell me.) Yes, you'll have to repeat it a zillion times but he'll get it eventually.

it sounds like your dealing with autism. This makes children very aggressive and mean. This behavior gets worse, does he try to bite, hit and throw things at you? you can contact childrens hospital in columbus and and ask for an evaluation. the bad news is they will probably tell you to wait until he is four. a friend of mine has a little boy this agressive behavior started when he was about 18 mos. he bit his mom, pulled her hair, hit kicked, screamed you name it he did it. he is now diagnosed with autism and is on medication and now they can control his outburst of rage. Ipray it is jealousy or sibling rivalry your dealing with, but they are awfully close in age. get on google and research autistic behaviors and google support groups for parents with autistic kids. another friend of mine has an autistic child that doesn't sleep at night. she bought him a weighted blanket now he sleeps all night and his outburst are less because he isn't as tired and cranky during the daytime hours. another thought beyond autism, does he drink alot of red koolaid? alot of sugar? this can cause aggressiveness and hyper- activity in children. get crystal lite and offer him healthy snacks. could be dealing with a sugar problem. maybe he is so active his blood sugar is dropping to low. ask you pediatrician to evaluate his blood sugar, that can be done with one simple blood test and they can tell you his average, and whether it is too high or too low most of the time. just thoughts. hope they help C.

I have two year old twins, and we have come to the conclusion that we have to have two of everything. ALthough that doesn't always stop the fights. What has worked best for us has been using a calm voice and talk it out with them, and ocassionally they still fight, but most of the time they spend looking for the second toy for their sister.

Consistency!! Keep on with what you are doing, every single time. Guide their playtime. Be intensive at first giving them almost no opportunity for playing without you. Make sure your husband gets involved also. You will need a break. All 3 or 4 of you should do things together. Show them how to enjoy eachother. Give them lots of praise when they do well. What they are doing right now is sheerly on instinct. They need their parents' guidance on decent behavior. This is a crucial time to get going on this. If you don't nip it in the bud, then it definitely will continue and get worse.

My two were 23 months apart. I had a very similiar situation with them. They need to have special play areas that are strictly their own for several hours a day. A gate works to help with this situation. I know it is hard but shared time means shared toys. The youngest needs to serve time out for taking away as much as the oldest needs time out for reacting violently.
I know this sounds bad. Biting is totally unacceptable at any time. Have you tried biting back??? It does work to break that particularly unacceptable behavior.
I found time out only works when they are that young if I had the time to stay in time out to keep them there. That isn't always an acceptable way to punish. I found removing the toy they fought over from their use for a least a week helped. When they run out of toys to play with they will learn to share and stop taking from each other. At 16 months it is extremely hard to reason with them but compromise and sharing is a concept that is never to early to learn.
PJ Rich

I also have 2 boys and I thought the fighting would never end. from the time the youngest could move he was annoying his brother. I don't have any real solutions but it does get better. They are now 7 & 4 and paly really well together most of the time. LOL!

Hi J.,
I know your frustrations! I am also a stay at home mom. I have three sons, ages 7, 5, and 2 1/2 and 2 daughters (twins) 4 months old. The fighting is maddening, but with a little time invested you will see the rewards. I am reading (again) POSITIVE DISCIPLINE. You may find it at the library, or be able to order it online. It addresses many of the issues you are worried about. It gives ideas and tools for how to handle situations, and tells you what not to do. Many things our young ones do are normal but bothersome behaviors........some things cross the line and need to be dealt with now. Good Luck!

I taugh preschool before my kids were born, so I know that dealing with litte ones who are close in age is tough. The good news is that hopefully being close in age will make your boys close as they grow up. The bummer is that your 26 mo old really isn't old enough to understand yet. The punistments you're talking abour really aren't effective at that age. (Most teachers doubt that time-outs are really ever effective for most kids. And sending a child to their room as punishment is tough because you don't want them to have negative feelings about their bedroom and he most likely has toys in there anyway.) If it's a specific toy that is causing the trouble at the moment, then it's more effective to put the toy "in time out" than the child. Not losing the toy as a punishment because the boys were misbehaving, but because the toy was causing them trouble. (The explaination makes more sense to little ones and then you aren't vilifying the offending child and are addressing that the issue is with both kids, which is more likely true anyway.) If the older one acts out, explain to him that he needs some help controlling his body, so you're going to give him some quite space by himself so that he can be calmer. (That way you're acnowledging that he's having a hard time and that he needs space to calm down, but not as a punishment.) Then give him some space to play in his bedroom or somewhere by himself to get better control of himself. Honestly, you may have to spend most of your time playing with your boys to be able to be on top of it, but playing with your kids is fantastic for their development and your relationships and then you will be right there to help intervene if you see things start to go wrong. It's easier to direct and step in quickly if you're right there. And remember that you're oldest will grow and this will be less of a problem. But he's still young. Some kids don't outgrow that kind of behavior till close to 4!

I highly recommend the book, "Siblings Without Rivalry".