Contemplating Moving Away from Children

I think that your children are at very vulnerable age, and actually need you more right now (even if they are pulling away).

I understand that you have tried counseling with your ex, but I think the focus needs to be on your relationship with your children and perhaps you need counseling to help with this.

What does it mean ‘enjoy the time together instead of always being tense’. Why are your visits with your son(s) tense? And why has one been allowed to skip visits?

This leads me to believe that something needs to be fixed in your relationship with your children. Moving before this is done will be abandoning them.

Added: I like what Veruca Salt says about not putting this on the kids (don't give them the decision). Not sure that you would, but that would be awful ... so hopefully they wouldn't perceive it in that way.
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Sounds to me - if you don't mind me saying - just based on this and your other questions - that your ex pushes your buttons.

Each one kind of starts the same - and to me, that means you need boundaries. Have you tried counseling, specifically in this area?

If your ex is toxic, and you see red when dealing with her (if she just drives you) and this is negatively affecting your parenting - then instead of bailing on the kids, learn how to stop this woman from affecting you. My husband was able, with help, to do this with his mother. Trust me, if he can, you can.

That's what I would recommend. It took a lot of work and me going with him, but he actually can deal with her without coming undone. He took her power away. I don't know your particulars and it's not right to compare, but honestly - just reading your posts, you sound upset still. I take it - it was a nasty breakup. Co-parenting sounds like a nightmare.

It doesn't have to be. You can have boundaries so that this doesn't get to you. It would be the biggest gift you can give to yourself, your wife, and your kids.

I would start there. If you decide to move, I think you'll need counseling to help you deal with those resulting emotions any how. That won't be easy. Parents sometimes have to out of circumstance. Doesn't mean they are bad parents. They have a lot of guilt as a result though - so at the very least, you might need help in dealing with that.

If you leave, there is no way to improve that relationship, in my opinion. I think you put them first - in 5 years, they are 18 and out of the house and you can move and start a business then. They need you more now than ever, even if they push you away. All teens do that - that is their job. Your job is to still be there for the tough stuff. IMO, it is abandoning them if you leave now.

And PLEASE do not put this on them! Yes, their opinion is very important, but if you tell them you have an opportunity to do better if you move but will stay for them, then that means the burden of the choice Falls to them. If they tell you to move for your good, they’re not going to tell you that they need you. They’re teenagers, and they don’t want to admit that they need their dad. They also are not going to want to take responsibility for telling you to stay and make you miss an opportunity. In my opinion, you don’t put that responsibility on a child. It’s just cruel.

I'm not sure that your moving out of state will be easier on your kids, making them feel not split all the time. It seems as though they would feel even more split.

I do think that you need to consult a lawyer. Your ex-wife may be violating custody agreements by allowing one twin to forego his visits.

And is the biological father involved in any way? Does he see the boys?

Even if one twin doesn't come to see you, the other is still a young teen and needs whatever security he can have in his fractured family. I would definitely consult a family counselor about how to help your kids.

Have you consulted with a family lawyer about this?
Have you talked to your lawyer about your one son not coming for his custodial time because I'm thinking some sort of law was being broken by that.
The child doesn't get to make the call about whether he comes to visit or not.
I'd would have had the law involved in getting compliance before now.
Are you contemplating giving up visitation and/or custody and/or parental rights?
It's hard to say without knowing the scope and depth of your plans.

The relationship or lack thereof with the step mother to the side for the moment - how is the relationship with your kids?
Even under the best of circumstances - teens can be tough - they just are.

Have you talked this over with a counselor?
I mean - sure they are adults in 5 more years - but do you want to miss seeing them grow to become men?
Learning how to shave?
Meeting their teachers/coaches, seeing their concerts, sports games.
Meet the people they go out with when they start to date?
Prom?
Graduation?
Be involved with their lives?

You list a lot of reasons this moving away might be a 'good thing' and it sounds a lot like rationalizing.
All the things you list can still be done 5 years from now.
When your kids go off to college you can live anywhere.

It's nice if the adults can co-parent and everybody plays nice.
Since it's not working after trying for so long - I'd say you can deal with your ex exclusively in matters concerning your kids and not deal or have any contact with the step mother at all.
You have contact with your kids and ex - period.

You gave birth to these kids and I think I could wrap my mind around possible scenarios where moving out of state might really be for the best.
But with the info provided here and in prior posts - I can't come out in support of this idea at this time.

Good luck with what ever you decide to do.

ETA: B!! Great advice - I forgot about the lawyer and seeing how that effects custody!
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okay, so you are a lesbian, correct? I don't care - it just helps me understand the situation. And you are already re-married?
Where is their father in all of this? Does he have a say in anything?

If you are moving out of state, how will the child who does come to visit, get to you?
They are 13. They should understand opportunities and the possibilities for a better life.

You really need to learn to NOT play the games and get along. You're hurting the kids more than you are hurting your ex. You need to tell her the same thing. The kids come first. ALWAYS....

DO NOT bring the kids into your messy divorce. It's NOT fair to them. You do NOT say anything negative in ANY WAY against your ex. As much as you want to . You bite your tongue. I know. Hard. But really. Take the high road and MAKE things work with KIDS FIRST.

Talk to BOTH of your boys and tell them about the opportunity you have.
You tell them HOW THEY FIT Into that opportunity.
You TELL them the plan - and DO NOT LEAVE THEM OUT of it. Ask their opinion. Take it into account.

You need counseling for you. I hope you get it.

I think that this part of your post "maybe it will be easier on them not to feel split all the time between me and my ex and we could enjoy the time we have together instead of it always being tense" is rationalizing.

Instead, I would suggest enforcing your custody agreement (I think that courts would agree that your son needs to come on his scheduled visits) and if needed, use some of that time for family counselling for you and your kids to try to get your relationship back on solid ground.

You should also get talk to a therapist individually to learn how to better deal with your ex - you can't change her, but you can change how you respond to her. If you tried a therapist for this before and that person couldn't help you, try someone else. Different therapists have different approaches to things.

Mama, don't move away from your babies. The two key words in that statement are: your babies. What possibly could be more important than being involved in the daily lives of your children? I get that the situation with your ex is messed up and filled with tension but that doesn't mean leaving is the answer. Work to reduce the tension and to repair your connection with both boys. Blessings.

ETA: I think that telling your kids about the opportunity and your plans is a good idea. I don't think it's putting the pressure on them to make the decision. Kids need a voice too. Our kids new about our moves and had a voice in the decision. Ultimately, they knew our new base might not be our first choice. They were heard and felt listened to! they knew the bottom line was NOT their choice and sometimes, not ours.
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If you leave? you are in essence running away from the situation.

You are an adult. You should know how to control your anger and allowing someone who you once were married to push your buttons and vice versa.

Kids get the shaft/short end of the stick and they shouldn't. It sucks that adults can't put their personal feelings aside for the sake of the children and get along.

While Canyon Country is not cheap to live. It's a good area (despite the fires). I don't think you should move. I think you should stay and put your kids first. You need to repair the relationship with your son. Running away won't fix that.

You need to focus on forcing your custodial agreement. By keeping your son from you for all this time they are making it impossible for you to be a parent. At 13 he may think he knows what he wants but he doesn't get to choose. They will be grown before you know it and then you are free to move wherever you wish.

That said, we don't have all the information and if moving will, say, keep you from becoming homeless or from not being able to pay your bills, then that is a different situation.

Talk to the kids. Request they both come. Then say it to their faces. That you have an opportunity to do better. That you want them to both come visit, what your plans are for their visit such as where they'll sleep, who'll be there when you're at work, etc...lay it all out on the table for them.

I think your kids will feel abandoned by you. They might say no, it's fine, you can move. But deep down inside I think they will feel like you didn't want them around. I also think you should take your bad relationship with your ex out of the picture. That really shouldn't be part of your decision. I also think you should make sure the 13 year old spends his time with you and isn't allowed to stay at his other home. I'm sorry. This is really hard.