Controlled Crying Out

I'm sorry, but I think that your "sleep specialist" is taking you for a ride. Your husband sleeping in his room and keywords for a 5 month old - I'm rolling my eyes.

If you feel that your marriage is being adversely affected by your baby co-sleeping (and your husband's feelings on the matter are just as important as yours), then you need to quit the co-sleeping. Your baby isn't going to have a personality change from this but he will react to inconsistency on your part. He IS tired from fighting with you at night. He needs to learn to self-soothe instead of expecting YOU to put him back to sleep. He's stubborn and when he finally accepts that you aren't going to do it anymore, then he will get the sleep he needs and be his usual cheery self during the day.

Bedtime ritual at night time should short and sweet. He should be groggily full and put down in the crib AWAKE. Pat him on his belly, tell him nighty-night and walk out of the room. Let him settle. Some babies will always cry to settle themselves. He has been fed, changed and it's sleepy time. His needs are met. Let him go to sleep. In the middle of the night, go in and sit down in the floor, put your hand through the slats, and touch his leg. Let him cry. When he finally starts to drop off, take your hand out and just sit there. No talking. No anything. He will finally fall asleep. Make being in the room with him shorter and shorter every night.

If you are 100% consistent, your baby will finally learn to self-soothe and you and your husband will finally sleep through the night in the same bed together.

Dawn

I did CIO and I think 45 minutes is a long time to cry. I also suggest getting your husband out of his room. Even at 5 months, you son knows that your husband is there and maybe crying longer as a result. I started with putting my kids to bed awake and giving them 10 minutes before going in. When I leave I shut the door completely, no lights on, no toys, mobiles, or anything else in the crib, except a breathable blanket. It only took a couple of nights and my kids were going to bed with minimal crying. Also, when they wake in the middle of the night, give 5-10 minutes before getting them.

Check and make sure that your son is not coming down with something that is affecting his behavior and then give it a few more days. He is going through a big change for him, give him time to adjust.

Hi ,

He is still really little. You can't expect him not to wake up every few hours to eat or get his diaper changed, cuddle with mommy etc. I suggest getting a good halo sack and co-sleeping again or if you don't want to co-sleep---put his crib in the room with you. Go to him when he needs you---controlled crying as you call it is cruel in my opinion. It doesn't teach the baby to self-soothe, it teaches them that mommy/daddy won't come for them anymore so why bother letting you know what they need. Please tend to your baby each time they cry and need you. That is his way of communicating. When you tend to them every time, they get their needs met and grow into healthy, happy babies. When you don't meet their needs, they have a harder time adjusting and are more dependent on mommy/daddy for longer. Do what your gut and heart tells you as a mommy. Even if its more work, its better for HIM to have his needs met.

Obviously you felt like things had to change if you hired an expert to help you. I don't want to steer you off of your course if this is what you have decided to do, but I thought I would tell you my experience. I have a 6 year old daughter and a 4 year old son. My daughter had a lot of struggles sleeping as a baby. Laying her down in her crib after she fell asleep was like laying her on egg shells. If I didn't do it just right or she wasn't sound asleep she often woke up crying. She thought that she needed to be held or sleeping with one of us. We questioned whether she was cold and needed the warmth, whether her stomach was bothering her and being more upright helped (we did by a pad that you put in the bed that keeps their top half more elevated and did feel like this actually helped some). I had read a lot of books as well and I was convinced that I didn't want her sleeping in bed with us, although there were a few nights that I was so exhausted I broke my own rule, but not very often. We had a Lazy Boy in her room and I tried not to fall asleep in it with her, but my husband often did.

We tried contolled crying and it did not work. She would work herself up more and more and in my opinion 45 minutes of crying is WAY too much. I honestly never let it get that high. I ended up waiting until she was about 16 months. At that point I knew that she understood us when we were talking to her. I would sit in the Lazy Boy in her room and tell her that if she laid down in her crib I would sit in the Lazy Boy next to her and hold her hand or pat her back but if she wouldn't lay down I would leave the room. It took a number of nights of going in and out of her room, but she eventually got it.

When whe was 2 and a half her brother was born and she transitioned from the crib to a queen sized bed. I would read her books laying in bed with her and then cuddle with her. She would sometimes fall asleep in bed with me and other times I would leave. We had a few battles when I left a few nights, but we eventually figured out that she could read the numbers on her clock. I told her that when the first number was an 8, I had to leave, but I would spend about an hour with her before that.

I won't say there weren't really bad nights where she was more clingy than others, but I will tell you by the time she was 3 she went to bed very well and stayed in bed all night. I will also tell you at 6 she is an awesome sleeper. We still read books in bed each night for about 15 minutes, have about 5 minutes of cuddle time and then she goes to sleep.

My son was the opposite of my daughter. From day one he liked to sleep and had no problems doing it on his own. We used to joke that we could throw him into his crib from the Lazy Boy and he would stay asleep. When he hit 3, all of a sudden he didn't think going to bed was as important and we have had a number of battles with him at bed time and he has had a number of nights where he needed extra cuddle time and/or has had a toy put up for not staying in bed at bed time.

I guess my way too long point is, kids are all different and as a mom you have to decide what you are comfortable with. You can read all of the books you want, but your child is probably not going to fit into any of them perfectly. Take what you feel is important from them and find the route that suits your family. I feel like the more important piece of information I got from all of the books is that sometimes not sleeping is a sign that they may need more sleep. Moving bed time earlier or working to ensure that a nap happens sometimes solves our bed time problems when they creep up.

Good luck and know that there are many, many Moms out there that understand your struggles. I know it doesn't help much now, but this too will pass and soon you will be looking back on it and offering advice to others.

Sorry you are losing sleep. That is no fun and its so hard to function as a human when you don't get sleep!

I have no advice. I never co-slept and my baby was a great sleeper. By 6 mos he was sleeping 5-6 hrs a night and by 8 mos he was sleeping through the night.

Try what I did - give him plenty of sunlight exposure, at least 1/2 in the morning and 1/2 in the afternoon. Sunlight regulates the body clock, so when you are in a dark room, you fall asleep quicker and deeper. And when I say sunlight exposure I don't mean keep him cooking under the sun unprotected...I mean, open up all the shades in the house, or take him for a walk in his carriage/stroller.

You can skip if you like.....

I think that letting a baby that has no means to communicate their needs any other way than to make sounds then cry if they are ignored cry for 45 minutes is harsh. That child has no idea you are trying to make him, at 5 months old, learn how to go to sleep on his own.

Baby's wake up at all hours of the night wanting to be fed. To have their diapers changed. They need snuggles and to be touched.

I know that you sound like a caring confused mom. I just urge you to go to your child and take care of him. He needs to be loved and not crying for 45 minutes. That's just about half an hour too long for him to have to cry, it is only wearing him out until he passes out.

The first stage of emotional development is trust vs mistrust and right now that baby doesn't trust you. You don't come when he calls for you.

The two things may not be related. He could be getting sick. Watch for a fever or signs of pain.

It's taken 5 months for your baby to develop these sleep habits. It will take longer than 2 nights to train him to develop new ways of getting to and staying asleep.

I've not used this method but I've done a lot of reading about similar programs and they all say it takes some time.

I do wonder why he's crying for 45 minutes if your husband is patting his back and letting him know he's there while not picking him up. What I've read and agree with is to let him fuss for a few minutes, then respond with patting and perhaps shushing until he stops fussing for a few minutes, then stop, leave the room and return in 5 minutes. Each time you let him fuss a little bit longer before responding to him. Gradually he learns that you will come in to him which develops his sense of security to the point he can get to sleep.

I wouldn't let him cry for 45 minutes. His nervous system gets activated and would make it impossible for him to calm down.

I had a very similar experience to what Denise describes. My oldest son was a horrible sleeper until almost age 18 months. Sleeping and napping seemed to be something he had to grow into and he fought tooth and nail for a long time. Now at a little over two he has become a great sleeper. He no longer fights nap time and actually asks for naps BUT I still lay down with him to get him settled for naps. He needs me there for about five minutes and then he is able to sleep on his own. I believe my being there with him for a few minutes is a small price to pay for a happy, well rested toddler. Bedtime is a breeze for the most part. We have a consistent routine but we are not slaves to it. For the most part we tell my oldest it is bath and bedtime. He gets his bath, one or two books and off to bed he goes. He sings himself to sleep or plays with the toys in his crib but he doesn’t fight the process. I can tell he is unwinding after his day.

CIO did not work in any form for my oldest. I don't care how consistent we were. It was not an effective method for him. My SIL has three and she had a similar experience with her middle child. I have heard similar stories from others – a very good friend of ours is going through this very thing with his almost one year old. Consider CIO might not the answer for your son or it might not the answer right now for his age. Some kids are too stubborn and needy for it to work I think. We tried three separate times - six months, nine months and fourteen months. Each time was awful and completely counterproductive. Sleep begets more sleep. For our son what we learned each time we tried CIO was that without him sleeping at night his bad naps become worse. Then he slept less at night and the naps almost disappeared. Round and round in a vicious cycle – no sleep at night, no naps, cranky baby. He also became so grouchy and moody. If you feel bad from being sleep deprived, imagine how your baby feels who has a limited understanding.

If your husband is willing to help at night, then you are already way ahead. My husband and I took turns tending to our son. One of us was up with him every two or three hours until my son turned 15 months. From about 15 months to 18 months he started going longer and longer stretches at night. I remember almost the exact day he stopped getting up every two hours because my husband and I were very tired. We were starting to get a bit frazzled and we were starting to wonder what the heck we were doing wrong. Then like a switch was flipped our son got on board with sleeping and it improved very quickly. We didn’t even talk about it for a week because we didn’t want to jinx ourselves. It was a great thing to get more sleep. We did not co-sleep either. We preferred for our son to be in his bed and one of us to go to him. That way the other parent could get some rest rather than hearing the crying baby. We also turned off the baby monitor at times to give the resting parent more peace.

Up to six months we tended to our son immediately when he started crying. We didn’t want him getting too wound up and the process of getting him back to sleep taking too long. Right around 6 months we stopped rushing to tend to our son. We gave him a few minutes (between 5 and 10 minutes) to settle on his own. Sometimes he would and sometimes he wouldn’t. We learned to understand his cries. There were cries which needed an immediate response and other cries which were whinier and could take a bit of time to respond to. Whoever went in to tend our son had to be absolutely calm. If we went in there mad or upset or annoyed, then our energy keyed our son up even more.

I remember discussing the sleep issue with my pediatrician. His advice was very simple - for bad sleepers do whatever it takes to get them the sleep they so desperately need. Rides in the car, rides in the stroller, rocking, etc. He said eventually you can wean the baby off the crutch. His advice boiled down to one problem at a time and you can’t worry about future potential problems which may or may not come to pass.

I think each family has to find what works for them. Read all the advice, hear all the opinions and then determine what you and your husband are comfortable with. My husband and I were not fans of CIO. We tried it in different forms but it never sat well with us. Babies can only communicate through cries so it seems cruel on some level to use that against them. I don’t believe babies just cry to cry. That degree of manipulation seems too advanced for babies. Since CIO didn’t work, we used other means. Don’t be afraid to develop your own parenting voice and forge your own unique path. Every child is different and every family is different. What works for one child might not work for another. What works for one family won’t for another. Keep in mind as your child ages his communication skills will improve. I noticed a big improvement with our son when we could hold conversations with him. He understood it was nap time or bedtime or whatever. He understood we were right down the hall.

For what it is worth my littlest guy at three months is way ahead of my oldest. He sleeps through the night and is a champion sleeper all around. I don’t think we have done anything differently from baby to baby. Son number two is just a better sleeper. Good luck and remember you are not the only parents struggling with sleep. This too shall pass and rely on your husband to get through this tough patch.

it's only been 2 days!
i know that can seem like an eternity when everyone is sleep-deprived, but you've barely even given it a shot yet. and yes, it makes sense that he's tired because he hasn't adjusted yet, any more than you have.
i don't agree with your husband sleeping in the room with him, as that's just now training the baby to expect THAT dynamic. i think it makes more sense to have dad go in after a few minutes of crying and pat, croon etc.
what are keywords for a baby?
i don't agree with the advice that you should respond each time the baby cries. there's a wide range of healthy self-soothing between hyper-parenting and abandonment. but 45 minutes is pretty long. you dh should go in every 10 minutes or so, stay for a few minutes, and then go.
but don't expect anything to work right away. you have got to be consistent.
khairete
S.

My 7 month old is BF and still doesn't sleep through the night. Early on we found out that he got a painful tummy if I eat dairy he would scream and would not sleep at all. I waited 2 months and tried diary (as they say "it goes away"). . .he was up every hour, no pain no gas just no sleeping. So I stopped the dairy and he only wakes to eat at 1 and 4 am. He could be trying to tell you something. It could be another food as well. . .food for thought.
If he is up all night crying, he will be less active during the day

I think you should go with your mommy gut - there are two articles that show the dangers of crying it out:

http://www.examiner.com/article/study-shows-babies-who-cr...

http://m.psychologytoday.com/blog/moral-landscapes/201112...

Five months is still young - my youngest son is that age and while we are still co-sleeping (he goes in the pack n play by my bed at 8:30pm, nurses at midnight and then he comes into bed with me for the 4am nursing), he is still waking up a few times a night. My now 3 y/o son sounds a lot like yours - he was just a little barracuda, nursing every 1-2 hrs around the clock. Every baby is different and self-soothing and sleeping through the night are developmental milestones, much like walking or potty training You'll see from the above studies that even though some folks can make CIO methods work, there is still a high level of cortisol, the stress hormone, in their brains. I know this time is hard and you are exhausted - trust me, I've been there - but letting him comfort nurse and keeping him close will pay off in the long run and I promise you will have an independent son who sleeps through the night soon enough! Hang in there, mama, and trust your instincts! Blessings to you and your family!

I have two children and really protected their sleep. I read the "Healty Sleep Habits, Happy Child." It really helped me a lot. I nursed my children and am home with them also. I did let them cry it out. It only took 2 days and they slept sooo much better. It does seem harsh, but only 2 days and much better sleep to follow, it was worth it. Both times, I said that I should have done it sooner. By 6 months, they are in a much better sleep pattern. My son, was not a good sleep and saw a sleep specialist at Children's. The doctor said I was doing everything right.
I read the other responses. Do make sure he is warm enough. I love the sleep sacks. Put thin socks on under his fleece pj's. Put a layer or two under his fleece pj's. My 3 year old still sleeps in a toddler one with legs.
Join a mom's playgroup and talk with other mom's. This is sooo helpful with all issues of parenting. The learning curve is so great a new mom.

I would guess that is isn't warm enough. He should be sleeping better by 5 months. And if he wakes up as soon as you lay him down, from your warm body to a cool sheet --- he gets startled and cold. Put a large receiving blanket or piece of flannel (tucked in at the sides) over his crib sheet or use the knit sheets. Regular sheets are so much cooler.

But I am also an advocate of covering babies with blankets. Yes, babies can sufficate if the blanket gets over their face. But use a breathable blanket -- no fleece.
Babies will always sleep better if they are nice and warm.

A baby sleep trainer --- well P. T. Barnum said it best "There's one born every minute" . In other words she sounds like a conartist.