"Convience Friends", Is It Me?

As busy parents, we often only see our family's needs and that's our focus. It's not necessarily right, but it's a survival thing. And not everyone approaches things or handles things the same way. What you see as a problem, she may see as a necessary adjustment in her life.

When my friends and I started having children, we tried to keep the friendship on the same path. There was no way that could happen, but we did the best we could. That has often meant not seeing or talking to each other for days or even weeks at a time. While we've never openly discussed it, we've all reached the conclusion that this is just our lives right now and we will do what we can to be there for each other. We don't get together often, even 1 on 1, but we try to answer each others' calls as soon as possible.

We all need at least one friend that we can turn to when we are down. But that doesn't mean your friends should be available when you want to get out of the house (unless you are planning it rather than spur of the moment).

You might need to have a straight (but gentle) conversation with your friend to tell her how you feel. Maybe she can't handle taking on any more stress or obligations. That doesn't mean she doesn't value the friendship. It is possible that she is just being selfish, but having a conversation with her will help you understand what's going on.

Good luck.

It's hard to answer that question without more information. When you are with your friends do you also talk about happy things or do you mostly have venting sessions? Friendships need a balance & sometimes when you are around someone who only wants to talk about their problems it can be a downer. I know that I was that way when I went through my divorce. I was very needy & didn't realize it until people weren't around anymore to listen to my problems. Friends should be there for the good times & bad, but when it seems like there's only bad stuff to talk about then you might see them go running. Do you have other outlets like Church or a counselor that you could go to for your problems so that when you do spend time with friends it is purely fun time? Friendships require nurturing & care just like marriages do. Friends are not perfect & we all make mistakes, & figuring out which ones to weather the storm with is a hard decision. If something tragic happened, who do you believe would be there for you in a pinch? This is how you decide which friendships are worth keeping.

Oh no sweetie.I had a"best friend" of 19 years that was like this to me. This past year she really did it though and I finally walked away from her forever. Long story short, I introduced her to a friend of mine (they were both single) well, her entire life became consumed in HIM and she not only hurt me, but hurt my kids. And the sad part about it is that SHE did not think she did anything wrong, and my guess is the same thing holds true to the ones hurting you.

These are toxic friends. People you really dont need and would be better off without. Surround yourself with people who WANT to spend time with you. I had to. And when you do, suddenly, life has a whole new light. You are most definatly NOT the problem here. SHE is selfish and only thinks about herself. That was what happened to me too, and as hard as it is to walk away, the truth is, you will feel a lot better when you find a FRIEND who wants to listen to you when you have a bad day, someone who will be by your side if something is good or bad -- she just isnt her. I wish you luck.

Hang in there. We have all been there, we all have to take our time getting through it and letting go.

(((HUG)))

J.
www.mygc.com/jfiegl

Sometimes a fair weather friend is alright. As long as you realize that is all she is, and you know you can't count on her for much then you don't have a lot emotionally invested in her. She's kind of a long term acquaintance. You know her, but you only trust her so far. The deal breaker is if she is an energy sucker which your friend seems to be. She obviously does not see she has become a vampire. Since you work with her, you probably can't drop her altogether. But you can back her off from dumping on you all the time. You could try not talking to her so often in your off work hours. Or go out and do errands when it suits you and not be available all the time when she wants to go out. You could tell her "Oh, you need to go to the store today? I just went yesterday and won't need to go again till next week. Talk to you later. Bye!" and hang up. It sounds like both of you need a wider circle of friends.

YEP.... you hit the nail on the head. ALL of my friends are convience friends. I have just come to the conclusion that once you have kids "people" get very selfish and dont really care about my or my kids issues/situations. I have since just relied on my husband and consume my day with my kid. I am gone from my baby for 10 hours per day while I work. She sleeps 11-12 hours at night so I only get about 2 hours a day with her. It hard to balance the work/home/ friend gig. I wish I had more friends because I would like to have more playdates or even trade off babysitting while dad and I get a break.
Thanks for posting this. I was thinking that people just didnt like me anymore :):)

My husband and I had this exact conversation about a friend we both thought was a "real" friend, but in fact is a convenience friend. We have sucha good time with her and her hubby her kids are the same age as ours and we have so much in common. Then I started to notice that we only saw her outside of school when we made contact. Phone calls only when we called. Even though she was perfectly happy to talk for hours. I also realized life overwhelms her and what is small and not so serious to us is way serious to her. She lives a block a way from school and can't get the kids on time. All summer we didn't see them and just assumed they went away, but when I asked her what she did for the summer she said nothing. Some people make their immediate family their main interest and can't fit anyone else in, and are indeed open to going out but only if you approach them. Once we recognized this we didn't make an effort anymore and it's ok, we have die-hard friends and I guess we had hoped she would be one. So you are not crazy to wonder this, it's just the way it is. A. B

There are different type of friends. Some are the once you vent too, some are listeners, some are one's you let your hair down and do something fun and crazy. Usually you don't get the chance to have that person all in one. So make new friends, but keep the old ones. It's harder once you have kids. Your time is spread thin. I wouldn't drop this friend, but explain to her if thereis a problem. If it's a friend they'll understand if they don't then they were an aquantance. Just my thoughts.

My view & experience:
God puts us in others' lives for us to life them up and give to them (time, ears, etc.) Then, sometimes he puts ppl in our lives so that we can take when we're in need.
It's awesome when he gives us real friends that are good for give and take! I like it both -- I want to give, but I get emotionally depleted when all I do is give to everyone who calls me a 'friend.' That's what was happening to me over the past year, too.
So I prayed for a real friend that would be my 'soul sister' to give & take -- I just got her a couple of weeks ago, and I totally knew when I met her. I'm so excited and we've already had some great friend times together laughing, crying, etc.

I totally know where you're coming from!

I can say I have friends like this but not many and Im not sure I call them friends. I have read the other responses too and Im not sure any of you really have had a true friend. Maybe im lucky- my husband and I moved into a small neighborhood and then familly and people we were aquainted with moved in. This was 16 years ago-we all still live together in the neighbor hood and we all are the best of friends! We all help each other thru anything. We spend weekends toghether, go on vacations together and have holidays together. The ones that arent familly are considered familly.
A friend is someone who wants to be with you and help you-Im not sure thats what you have. I think you just need to accept her from what she is and search for others who can care about you and your familly!!!

No its not you. That is how life is most of the time. I have the same problem. I feel very lonely anymore, but I have had to find other avenues that make me happy. I just do stuff by myself now, because I would rather do that then follow someone else around who wants to dump on me, but then won't let me have a turn when I need one.
Most of my friends kids are grown. I have a five year old and they just don't want to hang out with me when I have her. They think she is cute and all, but they just talk about all the things their adult kids or late teens are into and stuff. To them my stuff is old news and they act as though they could care less. It is very hurtful, since I have listened about their kids since birth. I can understand what you are going through. I wish I could tell you to go find new friends, but I don't really think that would help much.

hi...i say your not the problem, but neither is your friend. when my lil boy was 3, outa school, we did everything, walks, visited everyone, played, lots of time on our hands. 4yrs old, preschool, for some reason i had less time on my hands. now he is in kindergarten, its like i have no time from the moment he gets off the bus til he goes to bed. i'm just saying, what seems like lil life changes, can be very big when they hit you. in one way, your children going off to school is a blessing, time to relax while they are away. but on the other hand, major pain in the butt, can't just go when ya want, gotta plan around school, and once they get off the bus, everything is hectic til bedtime. Maybe, talk to your friend, and set up a day once a month where you can get together. Make it in advance, just go to lunch, or if money is issue, take turns at each others home ( otherwise you feel compelled to clean your own home even with company over). but do try talking to her. Good Luck and god bless

Although I don't feel it is to much to ask for freinds that are their for eachother no matter what - I think they are hard to find & even harder to keep. Most of my friends walked away years ago... I was married when I was 17 and became a mom just a few days later. My mom "ran" the wedding... it was her way or she would revoke her sinature on the papers and because I wasn't 18 that ment no marrage. My friends were very hurt that they weren't there and wouldn't let me explain... so they all walked away. Some of them had been my friends since kindergarden - it was very hard. Since then - eventhough it has been 15 yrs I don't let people that close... anymore it's just my hubby, kids & I. Luckly I'm able to share almost everything with my hubby & he is my best friend even after 15 yrs of marrage, but it gets hard when I'm upset with him & I have no one else to go to.

I have had a few "friends" that are around when they have time for me or need something. And man it bothers me, but I kinda deal with it cause they do show up now and then & it gives me someone to talk to. Most of them are x-coworkers and we have all moved on to hopefully better things or at least trying to, but in this economy it's hard.

I don't have any ideas to help your friendship, but it miht be time to show her that you can't only be there when she needs someone.

Besides convience friends there are also the "Online friends" You know, the ones who know your whole life from facebook, you feel close to cause you know everything about them, but yet you never even see them. It's very frustrating. I thought for a long time it was just cause I moved here from living in Oregon for 14yrs. Come to find out one of my only true friend here feels the same way and she's lived here her entire life. I know life is busy, but doesn't everyone need a friend? Us stay at home mom's need somewhere to go and get out of the house other than McDonalds. I love my one true friend, but she works and so I rarely see her. As a stay at home mom most my free time is during the day because my kids go to bed at 7 & start the bedtime routine right after dinner. This mostly leaves the weekends available. It's hard.

What happened to the days before technology where you HAD to have friends in order to have a social life?? We shouldn't let the internet change that. We need personal interraction!