Cookiegate: Thanksgiving Family Drama

Parents ALWAYS decide what is best for their children, and they ALWAYS get to overrule other adults who would go behind their backs and spoil their children.

Explain to her that undermining parental authority is NEVER acceptable in any situation. She can continue to be mad if she wants to, but she was in the wrong...so she can only be mad at herself.

If you said, "No cookie," that means no cookie for little guy. I understand why you did it and it seems reasonable. It wasn't just about dinner and whether he ate it, but that he didn't listen and was rude. Whether SIL agrees or not, your kid so your rules.

She's overreacting, but I wouldn't hang on to it. In the end, everyone else had a good time and the only person that was miserable was her. Keep it up that way. Let her stew in her own juices.

It's power play time. It may have something to do with her not having kids, but I'm going to say it probably more about a power play on her part. The kid is just the pawn in this game.

She probably feels some pressure or anger about not having children, and there may be some jealousy. Afterall, she's the female heir apparent in that immediate family, and *you* beat her to the punch giving her parents their first grandchildren.

She wants to be the princess, not you. She witnessed your sons behavior at dinner and knowingly overstepped her boundaries and took on the "mother" role and told your son to have a cookie...even after you made it clear at the table no treats until he ate something from dinner.

Sis is messin' with ya. Sorry. I don't think she was hurt one minute about your son not being allowed to eat the cookie. I think she's trying to engage you in a she-fight so she can gain rank in her own household again. Until she can produce children of her own, she's probably going to dish up more stuff until she feels she's rightfully the queen bee again.

While in reality her parents don't feel this way about her, in her head she's feeling a keen sense of competition with you. Be wary and always thinking one step ahead so you don't get pulled into a "she-fight," which is clearly what she wants. In the end it's all about her...you're just her target because of what you represent...something she wants but currently isn't.

So no, I wouldn't be mad. I'd be thinking about ways to put the smoldering fire out before sis becomes a sis-zilla. Send her an extra-special Christmas gift or just a thinking of you treat. She might lighten up.

Is she married or single? This could be another factor. If she has no family of her own and she's older than you and your hubby, she could be dealing with some serious holiday depression.

This is a real struggle for some single people during the holidays. Seeing you and your happy family might be more than she can handle emotionally. Got any nice single guys to introduce her to?

If she's married, perhaps there are fertility issues at play. Also a big toughie during the holidays. No solutions here. Only to develop a thick skin...she's on her own with working those feelings out.

From your last paragraph, it sounds like your SIL doesn't have children, correct? Yes, this is petty and overboard and her part. It sounds like she may have wanted to play the "nice" aunt by granting the cookie, but some common sense dictates that you don't go over mom and dad's head. I'm guessing that she witnessed what happened at the dinner table? Oh well, she felt she had her toes stepped on but it sounds like you handled it perfectly: calmly and matter-of-factly. This is utter silliness to pout for days over!

For me, Parent trumps everyone. Period.

Shes being silly, in my opinion. I remember many family occasions...holiday and every day ones, where people knew to defer to me or my husband regarding what my child could eat/have, etc. She was almost never a behavior issue, but did have a sensitive tummy and lactose issue when little (and many family thought we were jsut baby-ing her over it and not making her drink milk, for example, so would offer it to her and she felt obligated to drink it then..things like that). It sounds like your childs behavior and the ensuing "no treat" episode was something most witnessed, so why would another adult offer them a cookie? Just disrespectful to me.

Many might say "its just a cookie" but to me, its "just disrespectful". Period.

My answer probably won't be all that popular but I think BOTH of you overreacted. It was a cookie, for crying out loud. I don't think that one time of her giving your child a cookie is something for EITHER one of you to be upset about. Sounds like she is overreacting by still being mad and although it sounds like you got over the entire situation, it would not have hurt anyone for your child to have a cookie.

I was/still am a very strict parent with my kids. I understand being in control of the situation and having rules. But in a situation like this, I simply would have looked the other way. It's Thanksgiving and it's a cookie.

I think it doesn't matter if its a cookie or 10, what matters is that YOU said no cookie. When it comes to children, I think our biggest concern is not to be able to tell when you are helping them and when you are hurting them. My sister and I have had some serious rounds for this issue, and I understand it is sometimes hard to see but the point is this, if you said no, and she says yes, she is (whether she is aware of it or not) undermining your authority and we know that boundaries are very important for our children's education. It will further send the message that what she says can supersede what mom says.
I think you've already explained the issue already, she'll have to get over it and besides, it was her choice to isolate herself.
The good thing is you have other holidays coming to spend and enjoy together.

Sounds like Aunt Chris does not have kids. :P

I wouldn't give one little flip what Aunt Chris thought of my parenting. You were spot on correct. And it sounds like you handled it pretty nicely. If she wants to hold on to anger over a cookie when no dinner was eaten, that is her choice. It doesn't hurt anyone but herself. Being angry is actually quite unpleasant to the person holding it in. What would I do? Nothing.

LOVE the term "cookiegate".

I think there is way too much ego in this situation.... Aunt Chris needs to get over it........ seriously, this all over a cookie incident.. of course, it's not really about the cookie but more that her ego was hurt.. Remedy this by being pleasant ... extend an olive branch if you can and if it's not accepted. know that you did your best. try to not let it ruin your holidays..

SHe is incredibly immature would be my guess. She is only hurting herself being all mad and closing herself off like that. Oh well her loss. I would not give this another thought.

I think the problem is hers, and you can't make her problem your problem...you did fine.

PS I got a real smile about your son attempting to suck canned air. What a day for you!
and hmmm, wasn't the Aunt busy being morose while he was in the same room trying to eat said air? that speaks volumes.

I think you did great. You stuck to your guns and didn't let him have a cookie because of his behavior. She doesn't have kids, so she doesn't get it. If mom says no, it means no. It was wrong of her to undermine you like that.

wierd. my son was being disruptive at dinner and I told him to get down from the table. about an hour later he asked for dessert and I marched him over to his cold plate and said sure, as soon as you eat some dinner. no one thought anything of it. if i took a poll, i would think the moms in the house would've agreed that's pretty reasonable parenting. either this lady is super sensitive or there are some underlying issues that finally came to a head for her. i don't know anyone who would interfere or be upset about a parent properly disciplining thier child. just think how mad everyone would be if you hadn't disciplined him, let him run wild, eat wahtever and ruin everyones time.

Maybe Aunt Chris was just having a bad day. Kid drama can be hard to take for people without kids. If she wrote to us, she might be asking "what's the big deal about one cookie at Thanksgiving, anyway...".

Or Chris might be dealing with something big in her life, and small drama like this just brings out bigger feelings. Depending on your relationship with Chris, you might want to inquire about her life, and see how she's doing.

Maybe cuz I'm an older parent that's been 'round this bend before, but I relax the usual rules at events like this. The stress of family drama affects 3 year-olds, too. You do have the option next time of just letting him have the cookie that Aunt Chris so nicely made...as long as he says "thank you".

I think your aunt is acting immature and weird about this whole thing. It sounds to me like you did the right thing with your son and what pretty much any parent would do. Maybe she is really self centered and takes everything personally (like my mom!). Really, there is not much you can do about your aunt acting like this. You could try having a calm conversation about it with her later but this might actually make things worse (like it does with my mom).

I agree. This is not something to be mad about even at the time let alone days later. I'm guessing that she wants children and is perhaps jealous of you having children.

I remember when I was in my 20's I didn't know/think to ask the parents first, tho I did know that if the parent said no to back that up. Did she hear you say no sweets at the table? She may be feeling defensive, thinking she should've asked you. Often when people are feeling that they've done something wrong they get angry at the other person. Doesn't make sense to me but I've often observed it to happen.

Is she immature in other ways?

Perhaps you can call her and tell her you'd like to clear the air, telling her you're not upset about the cookie and wonder if she is. And that you're feeling hurt by her anger. Tell her you value her in her role as aunt. (It does sound like she feels that you were preventing her from being a kind aunt.) Be sure to use I statements.

Oh the joy of being childless!

I don't give any of my nieces or nephews ANYTHING without clearing it with their parents first - especially dessert.

Aunt Chris is silly and needs to grow up. Your 3 year old is not going to remember this forever, but Aunt Chris will have her little heart broken if she thinks she gets to make the rules for YOUR kids.

You're mad because her feelings are hurt and she's mad? What's the point in being mad because she's mad? She told you why she's pissy, you explained the situation to her, she's still pissy.

It's now her problem. Therefore, give her time to get over it. Don't waste any energy being mad at her. She's entitled to feel how she feels. If she wants to wallow a bit more, then let her. No need to continue to make it your problem. The fact that you explained things to her and tried to ease the situation over means that it is in fact over. Don't draw it out on your end.

If she's still pissy the next time you talk to her or see her then ignore that behavior. No more catering to the attitude.

Sounds like you need to present her with the side you could be angry about - the fact that she apparently intentionally disregarded your rule and thereby disrespected you and your husband as your son's parents.

However, I don't really get this... what, exactly, is she angry about? That you contradicted her? That he didn't get to eat one of the cookies she made and was proud of? Did she just simply say "here, try one of Auntie Chris's cookies - I made them just for you!" or was it an actual response to an inquiry by your son?

I think there's something else going on here - it's not just about your son not being allowed to have one of her cookies...

Technically, you are right. No one should offer your child food without your permission. But it was Thanksgiving, and maybe she just felt like being nice. And likely the way she heard you talk to your son about "what Aunt Chris would have wanted" made her feel bad. I may not have the popular opinion, but I don't like seeing parents dictate, "must have one bite of this and three bites of that, etc." at large family gatherings. At home, I too would want to see some real food eaten before sweets, but on a holiday at someone else's home, I just let it go. At extended family gatherings, I don't expect my kids to sit longer than they want to either. If they can leave the table and play quietly when they are done, the adults can finish and enjoy each other's company without a frustrated child and parent interaction. It stinks your DH wasn't able to rejoin you if he needed to be supervised. Anyway, SIL doesn't yet get how frustrating it can be to teach a 3 year old table manners. She's not very mature to keep stewing over it still. Maybe she's just the type who gets easily offended, or there are underlying issues causing her stress.

you didn't even have to say that Aunt Chris doesn't have kids in your intro because after reading about her behavior and reaction, its obvious she doesn't have kids!!!
tell her that she can critique your parenting and treatment of your child when she has some and understands.
Just sweep it under the rug and blow it off is my advice. You are correct...she is not.

Hi L.,

You did the exact right thing. AND you were nice to her. She is in the wrong.

Here's how I see it. She doesn't have kids, she doesn't "get" that you are training your child for the future, not just day by day, and she wants to see her nephew enjoying HER creation, regardless of anything else. When you overrode her (is that a word? sorry!), she felt like she lost face in front of your child. She doesn't understand that children don't see the world like adults (she certainly can't remember this part of her life as a child). She thinks that she looks bad to him (and of course, he doesn't even remember it two minutes later, much less understand that she is embarrassed.) Her embarrassment in front of the child and thinking she looks bad to HIM is more important to her than her looking bad to YOU. And that is seriously ridiculous.

You'll have to decide how you want to deal with this in the future, because you WILL have to. I realize this sounds bad for me to say, but she is a bad aunt. She really just cares about herself - not her nephew. And she will continue to do this kind of stuff to try to make you conform with what she wants, because using this child is how she can make you dance for her. She has no idea that she is doing this, and I doubt that she will ever figure it out, or accept that she is. Some people like to control others, and a new circumstance, like having a child as a captive audience, brings it out.

Maybe what I say sounds overly analytical, but I've seen this before. I hope I am wrong about her motivations, but in case this is what is really going on, it might help you to decide how to handle future problems with her.

Dawn

They should get a long great, they are both acting like 3 year olds.........

To me, you are making too big a deal out of it. I think your son is 3, he should have been able to leave the table, not sit there. Then instead of the negative "you can't have sweets because you did not eat" (It is very hard for 3 yo to understand consequences) I would do a positive. "Sit down and have a couple of bites of real food, then have a sweet". And if an auntie broke your rules, big deal. Don't be so upset about it, I'm sorry. I think it is not a life or death matter like auntie said your son could go outside and play ball in the street without an adult. Or something else crazy and dangerous.
My kids are a little older (4 and 5) and they know to eat some actual protein and then they can have dessert. It is a non issue with them, they're good eaters. I have even let them have dessert first at our house here and there because they will actually still eat their dinner. But anyways, this may not be what others think, I see others feel equally upset as you do, but this is what I think. Maybe in general your sister thinks you're too strict? I don't know but it seems to me there is something bigger she's mad about not a cookie!

She undermined your authority period. If she is still upset, it's her problem. My dad does the same thing and it drives me crazy! It's disrespectful to not ask the parent first if their child can have a treat or not. I don't think you overeacted and I think you handled it well. Good job!

She doesn't "get it" and never will. You totally handled it perfectly.

Yes, your SIL should have spoken to you first. But maybe a different way of handling it at the time, when your son said that she said he could have a cookie, would have been to tell him that you were going to take him with you to check with SIL yourself. Then you could have just asked her (in a non-accusatory way) if your son had asked for a cookie and what her reply was.

Maybe she felt that your son's disruptive behavior was the issue and she's upset because she feels not enough was done to discipline him.

My opinion: Aunt Chris has issues. I wouldn't change my parenting nor worry about Aunt Chris' miffed attitude beyond five minutes.

My daughter is now a teenager, so I learned long ago to not spend much time worrying about what others think of my parenting style. If you and your husband are in agreement and it's working with your kid, you're good to go.

As the years go by and your kids turn into wonderful teenagers and young adults the loudest critics of your parenting style will be your biggest fans!

L. F., mom of a 16-year-old daughter

Having a child that acts the same way and being one of the only people with kids in my family, too, I say you were right and she needs to move on. My dad tried to criticize my "strictness" over dessert on Thanksgiving and I was forced to remind him how strict he was when I was a kid and he didn't know what was happening "behind the scenes". These are our kids and we usually know what we are doing and why! It can be frustrating when others think you are just being arbitrary or a control freak (pretty sure that's what my dad thinks). Good luck!