About 8 months ago I met a single dad with a daughter my girls age and we began to hang out with the girls together. He woudl always ask me out just the two of us and I would always say no. He kept trying and was extremely clingy...hundreds of texts and emails everyday. Driving an hour to my house several days a week and he and his daughter spending literally all day...sometimes all weekend with us. I felt bad for them, the girl has no mother and he has no friends. I noticed that he kept throwing his money around and buying things for us and paying for dinner, etc. I told him Iwas not comfortable with this but it continued. This is where it gets tricky. My sister and I were planning a trip and he offered to let me use his miles which was a discount of $100 because he said he would never use them. In order to redeem the miles, he paid for the tickets on this credit card. We ended up parting ways because he was getting obsessive and it was scarring me. I even went as far as to have deadbolts installed on all of my doors. I think he thought we were all one big happy family but we were not. And I never led him on, always told him I just didn't feel that way about him. So he emails me and tells me to not worry about the plane tickets, to consider them a birthday gift and to have fun. I thought over it for a while because I felt like that was going to come back and bight me in the a** later. But I accepted his generous offer, which I now regret. He is now very angry with me and says I'm mean and everything is all my fault and he feels sorry for the girls losing friends because of me, but it was really him being psycho. I begged him to go to counseling. I get an email today that says "please send me a check for the plane tickets". He had no problem spending tons of money on us when he thought he had a chance with me, but now that delusion is gone, he's bringing up every single thing he ever spent money on us. I still have the email, so it's documented. What am I supposed to do? I feel like it's unfair of him to bring this up now, but when I was letting him literaly be up my butt all the time, the money was never an issue. He even bought a family pool membership for us withouth my permission...I was furious because we are not a family. I called the rec center and asked them to take my daughter and I off the membership. Any suggestions?
I would send his money and block his email address. If you are worried enough to add deadbolt locks, then make a police report with the emails and text messages to the local police.
Pay him the debt you owe him immediately. Apparently there were strings attached to his gift. Men are "lead on" by things like being allowed to spend time together, the woman accepting gifts, dinner, money, etc. I know you didn't do it intentionally but that's probably the way he saw it.If he continues to call/text/email/come by, you may need to get a PFA filed.
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Personally, I would send him a check for the plane tickets, and write the rest off.
You have to pay him for the tickets. By what you've said, you were taking the trip regardless of whether he allowed you to use his miles or not, so you seem to have had every intention while planning the trip, to pay for your tickets. Just because he is disgruntled about you parting ways, does not mean that he is not entitled to his money.
And personally, if I wanted rid of the guy, I'd pay him then change my email address and phone number.
N., I agree with what Dawn said below. While it's always difficult to "diagnose" something like this without having even met the people involved, you potentially do have to think about him developing into a dangerous person for you. I know you are also concerned about his daughter, though his using her to try to make you feel bad (the girls are losing friends because of you?) is a very manipulative move. If there is anything you believe could lead to her having problems, you may also wish to report that to the police or child protective services.
For your part, I would definitely consult a lawyer to write a letter to him on your behalf. You should send a money order (not a personal check with your bank information on it) to him for the full amount of the plane tickets. I agree with Dawn that there should be a letter along with it that indicates acceptance of that clears any "debt" you may owe, and that states very clearly that you do not want any further contact with him.
He may just be a lonely guy on the rebound, maybe he has low social skills due to a disorder of some type, but maybe as others here have said, he is potentially dangerous to you, so please also check with your local women's shelter about what level they believe this is.
Send him the money and be done with it. That way he has no longer a good reason to call you.
Send a very formal note with the check saying that you do not wish to be contacted by him any further. No big explanations, nothing... just: please refrain from calling and emailing me in the future.
Put his email on your blocked list and if he keeps harassing you, contact the police and get an anti-harassment order against him.
Make sure you document everything.
Good luck!
Pay him his money and then stop all contact with him. Sure it's not fair but you let it get this far. Not much you can do just don't respond to him in any way if you do you will just make it worse and keep him going.
My ex husband was a stalker and did the exact same things like your ex friend is doing. What Dawn B. suggested is the absolute way to go on this issue.
Good luck and please be safe,
M.
Pay him for the tickets, tell him the rest were unsolicited gifts for which you owe him nothing and get a restraining order. Doing it all through a lawyer is the way to do it.
Hundreds of texts and emails per day would have creeped me out almost immediately.
Dawn B has an excellent answer. People don't lavish money without expecting something in return, even though you told him you weren't interested in him like that. Don't beat yourself up - he's clearly got issues; chalk it up to experience, but do protect yourself and do what Dawn suggests: consult an attorney, pay him for the ticket (and nothing else), keep a paper trail, and watch your back. You might ask someone from the police department to have a look at your house and tell you what you can do to make it more secure (motion sensor lights, trim bushes, security system, etc.) They can't do anything to him until he breaks the law - which you don't want to be by harming you!
obviously this was the way he thought he could get to you. Likewise, you knew the intentions behind his money-presents. Taking advantage of a situation is not the best way to get into a relationship. This guy is not all there and the best you can do is to pay what he is asking you to pay: the tickets. Document your payment and anything else you think could support your arguments. Change your e-mail and any other information you gave him. Be very vigilant with your daughters and be clear with this man that you want no business with him. This sounds very worrisome to me.
Send him the money. And then don't have any further contact with him. In the future you will know that gifts like that never come without expectations.
I agree...just pay him for the plane tickets so hopefully he'll leave you alone. After that block his emails, calls, etc. A stalker can misread ANY contact (good or bad)as you wanting to keep him in your life. He sounds like a stalker...so send him the money and cut him off...don't respond to any emails no matter what they say.
The easiest way out, just pay him back and be done with this guy. It's a shame he got desperate and is acting this way just to keep some kind of contact with you but once you pay him back there's no reason for him to even e-mail you. I would have never accepted a gift so generous as two plane tickets without thinking he would expect some kind of "retribution", pay him back, learn a lesson and move on with your life. it's a shame your daughter lost a friend but she will make tons more at school, lessons etc.
have a great day!
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I would definitely pay him the money and tell him your sorry that he was confused but you never wanted anything more than a friendship. Then tell him you'd rather he not contact you again because things just did not work out between the two of you and you don't want to confuse the girls. Sounds like you need to sever this relationship ASAP! Good luck!
I agree with Dawn B. Lawyers, police and paper trails when it comes to paying him back. Make sure there is a way to document it. He does sound like a stalker and like something is not right. You can't trust that simply paying him back will make him leave you alone. Down the line he may try to contact you again, nicely and wanting another chance and apologizing or something. You don't need that. To ensure that there is no further contact, go through a lawyer. With all this documented, if he tries to contact you again you can get a restraining order on him. I have had a few friends that have trusted that appeasing someone like that, giving them what they want will make them go away. Then the person would be so far gone that a month or so later, it seemed like he'd forgotten and was trying to be close again. You and your daughter don't need that.
I definitely think you owe him for the plane tickets (even though he offered them as a gift after the fact). I would, however, get the police or a lawyer involved so that you can get a restraining order and put an end to it once he is paid back. The rest of the money he spent is on him, but the tickets were a favor, not really a gift. I definitely think it's good that you cut ties with him. All of the over the top emails and text messages would totally creep me out. Hope you get a resolution soon. Good luck!
