Creative Discipline Ideas

I suggest just telling him not to do it. No real need to be creative. He's old enough to be stopped and simply told that he's being rude/too rough. How will he know if a behavior is wrong or right if you don't tell him?

Though you might not be a fan of behavior modification, I think its necessary that he's introduced to it. There are consequences to certain choices, and as he continues to grow and enters in a school environment (unless you plan to home school) or starts hanging out over at friends houses, becomes an athlete, etc, he is going to have those types of stipulations/consequences to endure.

Talk about a reality shock if he gets in trouble at school and earns himself a detention, or even a scolding from a teacher, and he's never had that kind of consequential circumstance before. Or does something at a friends house that is normally fine at yours but not okay with the friend's parent and that parent tells him to go home and he isn't allowed over for a week (just an example). When he enters into the workforce, slacks off a little, makes an inappropriate comment (which is very easy to do depending on audience), etc, there will be repercussions, such as getting written up, verbal warnings, etc. If he screws something up at work, maybe they won't ask him to do it over "correctly"; he could get in trouble or possibly fired. Again, think of the audience, the environment.

I guess what I'm getting at is though I commend you for what you are trying to do and agree very much with your view point, life is full of consequences and he has to be prepared for that. If you start out this early never putting him in time out, never having a consequence for a misdeed, what are you setting him up for later? Just a thought...

I have found that when my 5 year old is getting too rough with my 1 year old, that it's time to bundle them up and get them outside. She usually just has pent up energy to run and jump and climb that she can't do in the house.

If she is just being "mean", then I send her to her room for some "quiet time" and let her know that when she's in a better mood, that she can come down. When she comes down, we talk about why she was doing what she was doing. It's not really a time out, per se, but it gives her time to catch her breath (and me mine) so we can actually communicate instead of reacting in a way that benefits no one. Sometimes, I know, that she just gets frustrated with how her little brother is constantly into/onto everything of hers. So, we keep her "special" toys in her room and the rest of the toys in the playroom. It seems to help her feel like he wasn't taking over every aspect of her life.

I also encourage her to tell me what she needs. Why she's doing what she's doing...is she upset, angry, sad, feeling left out? She more than old enough and able to say, "Mommy, I feel like you're ignoring me..." or "I feel angry at little brother for doing _____________". It really helps me to 1) fix the problem and 2) make sure I'm giving her what she needs. When she's feeling left out/forgotten/alone/etc, she tells me, "Mommy, I need a mommy/daughter night." Then, I make sure that my husband puts our son to bed and I read and spend time with her before bed...or we make plans to go to the library, etc, etc, etc. Encouraging them to tell you what they're feeling and all is very helpful in opening up the communication and reminding them that of all the things that moms CAN do, reading minds is not one of them.

If she speaks to me in a rude tone, I just tell her that if she wants to have a conversation with me, she needs to adjust her attitude/tone of voice. That as much as I love her, I don't respond to rude/whiney demands.

However, one thing I've noticed is that she mimics me a lot...so if I'm stressed out and using a short/snippy/rude tone with everyone, she's doing it too. So, when I hear her talking like that, I have to look at myself and re-evaluate what/how I'm speaking with others. ;)

Hope that helps!

As far as the tone of voice goes, we just pretend that we can't understand our 3 1/2 yr old when she speaks inappropriatly. If she is whining, bossing or sassing I just calmly say "I can't understand you when you talk that way."

It works every time. She immediatly changes her tone. She knows the right way.

Since we started doing this a few months ago we have seen a dramatic decrease in inapproriate ways of speaking.

A couple books that I really like:

The Discipline Book by Dr Sears

Parent Talk by Chick Moorman & Thomas Haller

The 10 Commitments by Chick Moorman & Thomas Haller

NAK or I would type more!

I'm totally with you on the desire to stay away from behavior modification with children. If you haven't already, I think you would really enjoy Alfie Kohn's Unconditional Parenting.

The most meaningful logical consequences are the ones that naturally occur, such as, if you are rude to someone, they will feel upset or sad or angry. If you are rough with someone, they will get hurt. Helping children understand the real consequences of behaviors is much more helpful to them than anything we can create.

My boys are now 9, 13, and 16, but what worked best for us in those early years was to try to anticipate frustration, and either head it off at the pass, or give voice to it so that it wouldn't get acted out. So if I could see that a baby was about to get into his brother's stuff, I would try to redirect the baby, so that the older brother felt protected and wouldn't get frustrated. I also taught the older brothers how to develop some of these survival skills. I always maintained that babies need a gentle touch and lots and lots of patience, and demonstrated exactly what that meant, but I also helped my kids give voice to the idea that sometimes this is a giant pain in the butt. I also talked alot about all the exciting things a big brother can do, so that it wasn't all about sacrifice.

"Rude" tone of voice isn't something that young children intend, so I found that gentle reminders of how something sounded to me was helpful, but not punitive. I might ask them to try again in a nicer way, but I wouldn't demand it, and they all grew up to be very polite.

Don't worry about your kids not understanding that actions have consequences. My kids have never had ANY problems with behavior at school or at friends houses. They are a bit bewildered as to why some teachers find it necessary to give punitive consequences to kids who act up, as they can see that the kids with the biggest problems aren't learning anything from those sorts of consequences, but it hasn't directly impacted them. They're very aware that different families have different rules and that some parents think that punishing kids is helpful.

Hi my name is L. and i am a mother of 4 children ages 5, 4, 2, and 1. What i find works best is acknowledgment. By this i mean if he is getting noticably frustrated get down to his eye level and say to him i understand you are frustrated but it doesnt make it ok to behave in this manner. Most of the time they are looking for the attention. I hope this helps you!!! Goodluck

Try reading Parenting with Love and Logic by Foster Cline and Jim Fay. The book is about teaching natural consequenses. A very interesting read.

Kudos to you for taking a more active approach to keeping your kids on the right path! I like Dr. Sears's "The Discipline Book". As you can imagine from Dr. Sears, he doesn't take the hard line of punishment or over rewarding. Catching children being good and acknowledging the good choice without actually rewarding them teaches them that they will feel good for doing the right thing but won't leave them expecting to receive something for "being good".

Hi,

I don't have too much to offer as I'm currently struggling with what sort of discipline we will use with our boys.

With regard to the rude tone of voice, I would suggest that you say something like, "Son, I'm sorry I can't understand you when you talk that way. Could you please use a polite voice and talk to me again?" Just an idea.

When it comes to being too rough with your 10m old, it depends on how he's being too rough. Does he just not realize that his little brother is much more fragile or is he acting out of anger? My method of discipline would depend on that.

T.

I am not a fan of punishments or rewards at all, I don't see how it encourages 'good' behavior for the long term. I try to not use logical consequences, but rely on natural consequences. Have you read either "Unconditional Parenting" by Alfie Kohn, or "Raising Ourselves, Raising Our Children" by Naomi Aldort. Both are books that I have read that have helped me tremendously.

My dd is 4.5 and she uses a tone of voice that I don't like, I explain to her why I don't like it, also how when someone uses voices like that it makes the other people NOT want to do what they are asking, etc. Since she is my child and I love her unconditionally I don't withhold things from her "til she asks nicely" iykwim. I don't "make" her redo it, but she often will on her own. When she is rough with her 18month old brother I try to figure out "why" she is and get at the root of the problem. Is she frustrated about something? Is she lacking one on one time with mommy? Is she hungry? Is she tired? And go from there. Treating just the "symptoms" of the problem doesn't help as much as getting to the root of the problem.

Don't know if any of that helped, but thought I'd throw it out there :)

I think as far as discipling goes, you are already doing the right thing. Making him go back through the actions only with the correct action is about the best I can think of. When my youngest, who is also 4, speaks rudely, I just make him repeat it the "correct way". Or I will simply tell him that the way he is speaking to me is not the way to get something in our home. He sees all kinds of other kids doing it, so he has decided to start testing the waters with us. I've also taught him that during a fit I will say "What does a fit get you?", and he has learned to respond with "Nothing". lol. It's pretty amusing when this happens in a store and people stare at you because you're not giving in to the fit throwing. Being rough with the baby is another story however. I am also a big fan of time out in another room when the behavior gets too rough. With two boys this happens alot in my house. I send him to his room to sit on his bed until he's ready to apologise to his brother and act accordingly. Also, in situations where he's rough and roudy out of frustration, I try to divert the attention, ie: break out the art supplies, or get a snack. However, nothing with a four year old boy is fool proof. It's like they are trying to play King of the Mountain, and we are the mountains. Good Luck.