Curious Son

HI Rana,

We have 2 girls and a son (he is the youngest at 5). We have discussed that everyone has private parts. We have told them where they are and that only a mom or dad or doctor is allowed to look at them.

We also answer any of their questions as they come up. My daughter at 3 wanted to know how her sister was going to come out, so we told her. My son has also had similar questions. Just be up front and straight with him, he will be fine.

D.

Dear Rana,
I think it's perfectly normal for children to realize there is a difference between girls and boys.
After all, there IS a difference!
Maybe I was lucky because I had a girl and a boy. They saw each other naked or running around the house in their underwear. It was just a natural thing so there really wasn't any curiosity about it. My daughter was old enough to help change diapers so there was no mystery about circumcision, testicles or penises, and as she grew older, my son learned all about the complexities of bras, mini-pads, and mood swings.
Your son is only 4. He doesn't need TMI, but it's okay to let him know that girls and boys are different.
I personally think kids are more curious if they've never seen their parents or a sibling naked. The boys I know who grew up in all male households, with the exception of mom who never let them even see her in her bra or underwear are curious because of the unknown.
My son is 13, and he's like, "Dude, they're just boobs."
I'm sure you can find an age-appropriate book to help you with this. The main thing is that the differences in human bodies is natural and not embarrassing to talk about.
That's my opinion.

Rana, your son is so normal, and what you always do is take your cue from your child. So if he ASKS you a question, you ANSWER it. Answer using correct anatomical terms, in a matter of fact voice tone, and be honest with him. Do not give him more info than he asks for. Just answer his question. Once a question is answered, the mysticism/curiosity factor is greatly diminished. He's right on target, as a four year old, noticing differences between girls and boys. Goodness, lighten up, Mom! Please don't make this a Major Issue, it's so age approrpiate, and so innocent, it DOESN'T need our adult take and overtones written into it. Relax. Be there with him, support him, honor his intelligence and curiosity with age-appropriate answers to his want to know questions. If you cannot be his "soft place to fall" and "source of first hand knowledge", then who will? Who would you want it to be? Isn't it better coming from you? Please answer his questions without judgement. Practicing that will help you when he is in his teen years, as well. You always want to be the parent that your kids know they can go to with questions, concerns, and confidences. Be there for him. He sounds like a great kid!

there are some good books out there on how to talk to your young child about the differences between girls and boys. i'll link to one of them of them for you:

http://www.amazon.com/Why-Boys-Girls-Are-Different/dp/057...

wasn't able to find the other one since I can't remember the name, i'll have to ask my mom. PM me if you'd like more info. :)

I think it is important to not make him feel shameful for being curious. At four, they want to know why girls are different. They don't understand that society sees this as not ok. When my daughter went through this..we explained that boys were different than girls. We didn't use silly little words, choosing to be open and honest and up front with her. When we took the 'secretiveness' from it. She lost her curiosity. Of course when her baby brothers were born, she really got see why boys were different from girls. But she was almost 6 then.

Hope this helps.
R.

this is normal for him . just be matter afact about it and teach him the differances and that like him it is private. good luck S.

I think it is important to be honest and give him short to the point answers to his questions. My husband grew up in a household where these things were not discussed. It almost seems as if they were taboo in their house. It was just his mom and the two boys. To this day my husband can not answer these questions when the kids ask. He turns to me and lets me answer them. My brother-in-law too, will make up names for body parts instead of using the correct anatomical term. It isn't because they doesn't know the proper terms, it is because discussing them is embarassing.

I think answering questions is the best way to abait the curiosity. Good luck and have fun with him. He'll grow out of the inocent curiosity way to fast.

I think that is normal. First and foremost, don't shame him for his curiosity, he may just have figured out that girls have different parts. Simply explain that boys and girls have different private parts. In my house my son saw me naked plenty and he could make the distinction between daddy and mommy. Although he knew there were different parts, he still wanted to see what I was doing in the shower or when I was changing. As he turned 5, I started doing the "privacy" thing so he would not become obsessed or weird about it. Just remember, this will pass and he'll move on to something else.

Good luck.

M. S

Don't get to worried. I think at this age, they are just very curious. I am 31 and my son just turned 4 also. He is going through the same things. He says his girlfriends are Victoria Secret girls. When he sees beautiful women on t.v. he stops to watch. If he notices us watching him or if we say something to him, he becomes very shy. At first i was very worried that he was way to young to think that way and ask the same question your son is asking. At first i would not say anything but then i told him it was ok to ask those questions and it was normal for him to want to know. I didn't want him to feel wierd in any way or think it was wrong.I believe they go through so many phases at this age. But you know what i am so honest with him and try to tell him the truth. I know not everything, but there are ways you can explain things to a 4 year old. They are so smart. I am teaching him to take showers and baths by himself and no longer with me, and also if he happens to have to be in a bathroom with me, i do make him turn the other way. I wouldn't read to much into it, like i said they are just very curious and at this age they ask alot of questions. Better that the answers come from the best,"Mommy". Just don't be afraid or ashamed and talk to him with pure honesty. You know as a mommy how far to take the conversation and it is ok for him to know about girls and boys at this age. Every child grows up at a different rate. Hope my advice helped.

It's probably time to give him just enough info. Maybe there are books out there that would help with that age.

I do remember my son being about 6-7 when I had him see the movie "My mommy's having a baby"... then we talked. I didn't want him learning from others. I think kids are learning a lot earlier these days, so I would tell him the basics without details.

Good luck!

Just talk to him about it, the difference between a boy and a girl. Keep it simple and only about the anatomy.

I think its the beginning of a lifelong fascination.

Hi,
Use your son's natural curiosity to explain the importance of privacy and personal space.
That's good for little boys as well as little girls to know and understand. No one has the right to touch or look at another person's private places.....He'll understand that and he won't feel embarassed when you remind him that everyone is curious.
You're lucky you have a little guy to hang with.....

When my daughter was this age, she became very curious about her own body. I found a wonderful book at the library in the kid's section that explained female body parts. I'm sorry that I can't remember its name, but if you look in that section of your library or ask a librarian you should be able to find something. If you encourage his exploration, his interest may intensify for awhile, but eventually his curiousity will be satisfied and he will move on. I personally think it is important to encourage curiosity and fact finding. It is a gift of childhood that we sometimes lose as we grow older.

How about a doll (with a pee hole) or a book?

This is really normal behavior. Innocent baths or swimming in the backyard kiddie pool (nude) with a same-age girl (cousin? Daughter of a friend?) will allow him to see what's up "down there" without it being a big focus.

I'm sure you can find an age appropriate book explaining body parts. : ) My 4 year old nephew is the same, only NOT shy about it. It's a little surprising since they are so young, but I'm sure it's fine. The book we have is called It's Not The Stork, but that may be too old for the 4 year olds.

He's just curious, and I'm guessing he doesn't have a sister--and doesn't see you naked very often. A book, maybe? My almost-2-year-old is starting to notice vive-la-difference, but she sees us unclothed fairly often & she has a baby brother, so she has plenty of opportunity to ask whatever questions cross her little mind. At the moment, the consists mainly of pointing out "boy pee-pee" and "girl pee-pee" and noting that Daddy lacks "mems" (her word for breasts & breastfeeding.

Don't freak out and don't panic.

You should protect him from your discomfort about the situation. If you make this a big deal you'll make him ashamed and think that bodies are dirty.

Only give his as much information as he asks for, but give it to him in a matter of fact way, no emotion, no shame, no guilt.

He is a normal, intellegent little boy curious about differences he noticed. Pretend he ask why some people have brown hair and some people have yellow hair and give him the answers. When he is satisfied, he'll stop asking.

I had one daughter that knew the whole sex story by the time she was 5 because she kept asking until she was satified and one daughter that didn't want to talk about it until she was a teen. They both are normal adults (well, actually amazing :) )

Don't be embarassed. Have an age appropriate talk with him about girl parts vs. boy parts. Children are curious about everything and until his curiosity is satisfied, he will continue to try to find out on his own...possibly in an embarassing or inappropriate manner.

At his age, I would use the actual names for the parts. If you need help, check with your pediatrician or look at some books in the library first. Speaking with him comfortably and answering his questions like this at a young age will open the door for similar questions and promote discussion later in his life. Give him the facts and don't go into more detail unless he asks.

If you have a college nearby, try to get in touch with a human sexuality instructor who may be able to give you some guidance or recommend books to have your talk with him. Good job mama!

Hi Rana.

Since I homeschooled my kids, I know there are books out there about sexuality even for the younger kids (age appropriate of course). You can go online and look up homeschool curriculum and then specifically look for health or human sexuality. It has been so long since I used the books, but I know there are two series that started with kids age 3 and ended in the teens. Each book is broken down into about a 3 year age range. I think they start with "how I was made" and "the difference between boys and girls" I personally didn't show my kids pictures or allow them to see me naked after age 2, but my youngest son is very curious and always wanted to see how I went to the bathroom, why I sat down to do it. I just explained to him how a woman is different from a man. I answered all his questions as best I could. Of course he is still curious and will be all of his life even after he's seen it all! What I question is what behavior are you concerned about? If he is undressing the younger girls or touching them, then you need to gently explain to him that privacy is very important and that he needs to keep his hands to himself. Don't make him feel bad, just let him know matter of factly that this is what is expected of him. And don't worry. Its just a normal part of life to be curious.

There are some good age appropriate picture books on this topic. You can do a search at the libarary or bookstore.

I think being frank about things like private parts removes the secret alure of the forbidden, also it ensures that your child will feel safe an comfortable talking to you if there is a problem or concern in this area. We don't want our children to be embarassed by their genitalia, just private about it.

Hope this helps.

T.