Hello all! PLEASE HEP me!!! Sorry it's long but you need the whole story! I am going through a divorce and we are trying to work out a custody arrangement without going to court and wasting a ton of money. Background: we have been together for 10 years, married for 3, tried for a year to have a baby and once she was born he changed for the worse! She had horrible acid reflux and only slept 2-3 hours at a time for the first 9 months. He was always frustrated with her and even asked twice if we could give our newborn up for adoption and he once said he wanted to throw her out the window. ( know we all say things when we are frustrated but I think that is unacceptable) During the 1st year he was drowning himself in work, not seeing our daughter for 4-5 days at a time because he would come home so late... found out later that he was having emotional affairs with 2 women for about 8 months- hour long conversations, hundreds of texts and even naked pictures-claims he never touched either of them! He decided he was happier without me in his life and has moved out 7 months ago. During the 7 mo he only saw her 2-3 days a week and each day was only about 2-3 hours. I own the house and he moved in with a friend an hour away. Where he is staying it is not child proof, they smoke, there is no gate around the pool and they have a great dane! So when he sees her he comes to my house and I leave or stay in my room. I have gone down stairs on occasion to find him asleep on the couch and her playing! Now he wants 50/50 custody! He wants a 2-2-3 day schedule that rotates and wants to start taking her to the house where he is staying. I don't know how to keep my emotions and hurt out of this and do what is best for our daughter. I have been a stay at home mom for the past 17 months and pretty much acted as the sole caretaker for her and now I have to possibly not see her for 3 days at a time! I get physically sick thinking about it. To top it off he has not been giving us much money so I had to go on food stamps and unemployment while he is sending girls flowers and getting hotel rooms and spending upwards of $1,800 a month on fancy restaurants and bars! He has never bought her diapers and doesn't even know what size she wears. He has no idea what size clothes she wears or her shoe size and does't even know her schedule! In my heart I believe he only wants this custody so he doesn't have to pay as much child support. I have now found a great job that is supportive of my situation and I work my own hours and my mom watches her. He wants to put our daughter in daycare his days when I will be at home doing nothing! How can that be right? How old should children be before you take them back and forth between houses? Should I even let him take her to this house? I'm so afraid of the instability and I really feel he is not trustworthy! But I also don't want to keep her from her father. I can't stand the thought of being away from her! HELP ME!!! I would love experience, advice and suggestions. What are your custody arrangements and how old were the kids? I want to protect my daughter and myself and I want her best interest in mind.
You need a lawyer ... and he needs supervised visitation. End of Story ... Oh and side note ... I know someone who had it written in their divorce terms that anytime she had to take her ex back to court due to his inability to follow the oulined agreements per the divorce papers and courts HE PAYS HER LEGAL FEES!!! Good Luck!
Get a Lawyer!!! No amount of money would prevent me from doing everything in my power to protect my daughter. Trust me it would not be "wasting" a lot of money. You get a lot for what you pay for. They should have you and ex go through mediation. I'm not sure if this is something you could do on your own or not, but I know they mediate both sides to truely figure out what is in the child's best interest. They take into account babies schedules, time spent with both parents, and they set up the visitations that both parties agree on. This takes the pressure off of both sides, and it saves a lot of unnecisary fighting between the two of you. Please get a lawyer to help you work all this out!
You're right, he wants 50/50 custody because he thinks that will get him off the child support hook. You need to go to court, petition for full custody and get as much child support as you can. Ask for supervised visitation because of his unstable situation.
I know you don't want to the bad guy here, but you need to. Your ex is only thinking of himself, you need to think about your daughter. I know the money is going to be a difficulty, but ask family, take out a personal loan, do whatever you have to to get a good lawyer. Your daughter is depending on you.
don't give up any of your rights....you are your child's ONLY protector! Fight for every single thing you can get.....& do not let guilt/sympathy for him (& his choices) guide you. Peace!
From my experience with a friend, I know that he cannot take her to a house with no fence around the pool. He also needs a crib or a mattress on the floor. He needs gates on the stairs and outlet covers and so on. He will need to provide proof of these things (photographs and/or receipts - photos are better because he could buy something and just return it). I don't think you have much choice re court at this point unless you can get him to agree to mediation which involves a specialist (sometimes a lawyer) but is cheaper than having 2 lawyers fight it out.
You need a support agreement and can have the state garnish his wages and send you the money.
Document everything - every payment he made, every time you found him asleep with her, every visit he had and every one he canceled.
My guess is the judge will say she is too young to be shuttled back and forth on a shared custody basis, although your ex might get joint legal custody (not physical) and the right to visitation. I can't believe that day care during "his" days would be cheaper than child support, so I think he is just trying to yank your chain and hit you where it hurts.
My friend's ex argued for visitation, but he didn't provide a crib (etc.) for the youngest, so the youngest didn't go. Then he wanted to make up the lost time, and she agreed because it was going to involve every Saturday night - as soon as the dad realized his social life was cut out, he backed down.
You need to get some sort of legal involvement, either thru legal aid or a mediator, because without an objective intermediary, all the conversations (and threats) are from him to you directly. My guess is that he is stringing you along.
Since you have no legal agreement in place now - from the sound of things - you are under no legal obligation to let him take her to his house. An hour car ride, 2nd hand smoke, a pool and no childproofing? I don't think you have too much argument about the dog - there's no correlation between the size of the dog and the danger, it's more the temperament and past behavior of the dog. However, if the dog has free reign and that means that the stairs aren't gated, that's your argument.
He can take her to the children's library, a local park or zoo maybe (near you), as long as he has a car seat for her, but otherwise I would limit the visits. I don't see why he has to sit in your house - he needs to be out of your life and also forced to create a life for his daughter. Meet him at the door with her in her jacket and with one diaper - and then he's on his own. You either shut the door or you leave and lock it. He wants to have her half time? Then he can manage for a half hour without you handling everything! Make it realistic (and therefore hard) for him, and be strong!
First you have to try to come across as reasonable so if you do go to court, they will not see you are controlling, demanding or trying to keep your child from her father. Document all the things he says or does and when he visits etc. You may need that later.
Under the circumstances that you have described, I think it is reasonable to request full custody and be willing to agree on joint custody with primary placement with you. Ask for full custody and if you decide to agree to other it will be like you are giving a little. Be agreeable to visitation but stipluate why his current living arrangements are not acceptable to you. Unfortunately, smoking in you home is not grounds to prevent a parents visitation (although I wish it was). Keep in mind, you may not be comfortable with all his visitations being at your house (one day you may want to not have him there).
Although I am sure some will disagree with me, I feel a lot of split custody arrangements are fair/even for the parents but just not fair to the children. I think that visitation to other parents home is hard enough without constantly having a child bounce between homes (splitting the week or one week at each). My niece is at one parents' house one week and then switches to the others parents' the next, she gets to visit with the opposite parent one day in the middle of each week. Poor girl is never really settled and the adjustment back and forth does not help her attitude at all (all kids have adjustment issues when they switch but she never seems to get adjusted back before it is time to switch again).
I know that things are tough right now but they will get better just hold on to that. BUT my concern is that DAD might not have the control he needs to help raise an infant. They get sick, throw-up, get fussy etc. and since he couldn't be bothered when she was a newborn I don't think he has the right to demand anything more than supervised visits until he proves himself. I would be scared every time he took the child and do to the fact that she can not speak up for herself.....well you get the picture. Sometimes it is worth it to spend the money. This is your child, your most prized possession. I think that a psy consult might be in order before ANYTHING is decided. Reread your post, you are worried and it sounds like he is not trustworthy or responsible. He can want what he wants, what he is entitled to is another story. PROTECT YOUR DAUGHTER at all cost!!!
Penny Amic CEO/Clinical Director
Special Beginnings, Inc.
An Early Intervention Network
you're going to have to get a lawyer. he doesn't sound like someone you can reason with, and why take your chances. get a lawyer, and document everything everything everything. be prepared to fight. he won't get custody if he is an unfit parent but he will get visitation. how much and how long that will depend on the case you present.
Let me start by saying I'm a step mother and went through all this stuff with my husband. I usually am totally for father's rights, but...I think he's just doing it to not pay, as you stated. Generally when you have 50/50 custody the parents don't live an hour away. They are in the same general area. Think long term, do you plan on staying at your current house? How would this 50/50 situation work once she starts school? Does he plan on moving closer? Or does he really think he'll make the hour trek on his days to drop her off? I realize it's years away for you, but just something to think about.
My husband did go to court and was not awarded 50/50 because of the distance. We refused to move closer to her, she refused to move closer to us. Because of the distance we had her pretty much every weekend.
Put your emotions aside and try and think about what is best for you daughter.
Good Luck!
Is it possible that he wants 50/50 because he loves his daughter, and regrets the time he has missed with her? Of course you see only the bad because you are hurt and angry. He walked away from you and is seeing other woman. This hurts, I understand, but your daughter needs a relationship with her dad. Talk with him about your concerns about his living arrangements and see what he is willing to do as far as baby proofing. The girls or what he spends on them is none of your business, so do not even bring it up. As for not knowing the babies diaper size and ect.., he will learn. We all have to learn to be parents, you did it when she was brand new, he will be doing it later, but as long as he is not abusive or putting her in danger than you need to realize that she is not just yours, she is just as much his. Talk with him about the pool, the dog, and the smoke. Do not attack him on the issues, just present your concerns for your babies health and well being. Try your best to keep any hurt or personal feeling towards your ex out of it and focus solely on your babies needs.
