Custody Battles

Having been a stepmother for 25 years, and having had much experience with this type of thing - this is for your husband to deal with. You can support him, but he will need to decide what actions to take.

Keep in mind that she might be saying this just to get you all riled up (cuz it works) and has no real intention to take the kids on a vacation.

The calmest, but firmest, response is usually most effective. Some ex's seem to thrive on creating drama - don't give her the satisfaction.

To echo the previous post, I would think that if the custody agreement stipulates alternating holidays then the 2-week notice for vacation clause should not be able to trump it. However, you'd have to check with your family law attorney to be sure....

Although I'm not sure how much your husband is willing to spend on fighting for it, it wouldn't surprise me if his ex were to use any passivity to tell the kids "daddy doesn't care to see you since he didn't mind you being on vacation with me.". The idea that he wouldn't fight to have them with him could send an adverse message to the kids (as well as embolden his ex to attempt this strategy again.) And if this was his year to be with them, does that mean you all won't see them again next year? Besides, if you pull your attorney into it, she might not have the $ to pull her attorney in and press it.

If you're going to fight it, your husband probably needs to inform her asap that he disagrees... Because otherwise, she will think she has already provided notice.

The only reason I wouldn't fight it would be if the is a relative on her side if the family who is in poor health and this might be the last Christmas the kids could spend with them. I guess it might be helpful if your husband inquired why she is pulling this instead of immediately involving the attorneys.

Good luck.

Aren't holiday's considered protected time in custody agreements? Meaning she can make vacation plans and give you your 30 day advanced notice, but NOT when it interferes with your husband's scheduled visitations with his kids.

The ex is ambushing you all for sure. And it doesn't sound like this was your first experience with twisting the terms around to benefit her and choices. It sounds like you will need to be very prepared in the future and discuss that there will be NO changing the scheduled visitations. And that will probably need to come from your husband.

I really wanted to leave a response just to tell you that I think you are an amazing step mom. There are so many other requests on this site from new step moms that really make me feel sad for the kids. So thank you from the bottom of my heart for caring and taking the time to nurture and understand.

If the custody agreement says this is your year for the holidays than I do not think a vacation request can override that. Check with your lawyer, but I think you get the kids.

Usually who has the kids for holidays is spelled out in the court order. Taking a vacation is a separate issue. I'd reread the court order to be sure that she can do this.

She's just mentioned this today. It's too late. There is not 30 days before the beginning of Winter break. Our winter break starts on the 20th. That's 25 days from now. Just making that comment is not giving notice. If she hasn't shared any specific plans with you then she hasn't given notice 30 days notice.

If she wants to have them for Christmas day; then I suppose technically that's 30 days notice but you'd still have them the week before and could do the getting ready for Christmas things. But, again, I suspect the vacation provision is separate from the holiday provision.

I suggest that your husband try to work out a compromise if she can legally change the holiday plans. Perhaps you could each have them for 1 week. I would not feed into her drama. I"d read the court order and if necessary go back to the attorney and ask for clarification and then state that the court order will be followed. If she can give 30 days notice then he should remind her that the 30 days takes affect on December 24 and suggest that you will have them for Christmas eve and she can pick them up Christmas morning. The two of them negotiate without drama.

She can be dramatic but you and your husband don't have to respond with drama. Find out where you stand legally. Tell her in a factual way. Offer to compromise and be willing to negotiate in a calm way. When she starts with the emotions/drama, back off until she calms down. I suggest that if she's not honoring this holiday that she is to give you extra time during another holiday. Who is to get the children for spring break, for example.

Easier said then done, I know. This might be a good time to enlist the help of an attorney or a mediator.

I know I'm being technical here but it's in response to her being technical. If you can think of it as a technical decision you'll feel less drama and your husband can probably better negotiate.

uld hasn't shared any specific plans with you then she hasn't given notice 30 days notice.

If she wants to have them for Christmas day; then I suppose technically that's 30 days notice but you'd still have them the week before and codo the getting ready for Christmas things. But, again, I suspect the vacation provision is separate from the holiday provision.

I suggest that your husband try to work out a compromise if she can legally change the holiday plans. Perhaps you could each have them for 1 week. I would not feed into her drama. I"d read the court order and if necessary go back to the attorney and ask for clarification and then state that the court order will be followed. If she can give 30 days notice then he should remind her that the 30 days takes affect on December 24 and suggest that you will have them for Christmas eve and she can pick them up Christmas morning. The two of them negotiate without drama.

She can be dramatic but you and your husband don't have to respond with drama. Find out where you stand legally. Tell her in a factual way. Offer to compromise and be willing to negotiate in a calm way. When she starts with the emotions/drama, back off until she calms down. I suggest that if she's not honoring this holiday that she is to give you extra time during another holiday. Who is to get the children for spring break, for example.

Easier said then done, I know. This might be a good time to enlist the help of an attorney or a mediator.

I know I'm being technical here but it's in response to her being technical. If you can think of it as a technical decision you'll feel less drama and your husband can probably better negotiate.

I would fight to keep them as scheduled... but what does your husband have to say?? He should be driving this decision as it is his divorce decree. Kudos to you for loving those kids so much!! Lucky kids :)

Hello, While you sound like a very positive in your husband's childrens' lives, this is his battle to fight. He could stand up to the ex and explain that while she can take them if she gives a month's notice, she cannot take them during his visitation time. I believe she is reading this all wrong and with an agenda (as you say). The best thing she could do is to not cause problems for you and your husband. That would cause less stress for her children. Anyway, your husband needs to tell her that this will not work for him. She can fight it if she wants, but I don't think she will win.
Good luck with your precious family.
K. K.

Of course I don't know the whole situation, but I think you need to just stay out of it. This is between hubby and his ex, and it's his battle to fight should he choose to.

Yes, there's a good possibility that she is scheduling this vacation so you and hubby won't have time with the kids. However, is it possible that this may be one of the best times for her to take a vacation?

Since there is a court order with a 30 day rule, I would suggest not making any plans that extend past that time frame.

1.) How old are the children?
2.) If they are old enough, can your husband and their mother ask them how they would like to spend the holidays?
3.) What does your husband want to do?

The best option is for their mom and dad to sit down with the kids and have a big December calendar spread out on the table. The calendar should color in the days of Christmas break. It should have a big fat "D" for Dad in the days that are non-negotiable since this is HIS turn. Then, each of them should have a chance to make a pitch to the kids without trying to emotionally blackmail them or buy their love:

Mom: "I would like to take you both to see your grandparents on this day and then have a sleepover. "
Dad: "We had planned to have a family mall-and-movie day here, so could you have them home by 10:00am?"
Mom: "OK, it would be nice if I could have 1 more day to take the kids ice skating. What do you think kids? Did you have anything else you planned doing that day?"

It is after all a holiday that has a child at the very heart of it and so it would be great if the seemingly civil terms of the custody agreement could be honored.

I am a step mother myself and totally agree with what other moms have said about this being your husband's battle to fight. I also would add to try and remember that this is about the kids and not about your plans. We all get disappointed when we make plans as adults for the kiddos that we want the kiddos to enjoy and remember for years to come but ultimately it's not about us. It's about them.

I don't know how the agreement is established but with my parents, the holidays were already spelled out. For the summer, my mom could get me for two weeks but she had to give notice, in writing. Dad could decline the suggested dates but would have to the pnrovide two alternatives.

Unless your order says differently, I don't think that just giving 30 days notice is a absolute guarantee of a certain approval. I would think it would be that at least 30 days is required provided it doesn't interfere. If those two weeks are not acceptable, you and hubby should be able to offer an alternative.

I'm not familiar with how the courts do custody agreements, but if it is 'your year' to have the kids for the holidays, are those specifics included in the court custody papers? If so, I wouldn't think that she can just plan a vacation out of nowhere during winter break and expect you to let her take them since it IS your year to have them.
Do you HAVE to let her take the kids anytime for a vacation if she tells you 30 days in advance or do you and your husband get input or any say in whether she can or can't take them if it's during your scheduled time with them?
I feel super bad that you have to go through this. My best friend is in a similar situation with her ex-husband. He does everything that he can to try and make her life miserable when it comes to their 2 kids. She has a lawyer that is helping her finalize the divorce and handle everything with custody arrangements for the kids. Do you and your husband have a lawyer that you could talk to and find out what the Ex is/is not allowed to do?
Sorry, I may be making this more complicated... I really don't understand some people though - it's like all they care about is making life miserable for the other parent (and the family) - rather than doing what is best for the kids that are involved. It sounds to me like the holiday at your house are awesome... and I'm sure the kids would much rather prefer to be celebrating with you and your husband... and all the Ex sounds like she wants to do is create drama instead of allowing the kids to enjoy the holidays.
I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this! But... I definitely think if it is YOUR year to celebrate with them then you have every right to fight for them!
Good luck - and let us know how it turns out!

You really need to work this out. Mom wants to take them on Vacation, so let her. When it becomes your turn again then do all the activities with them.

I have been dealing with the stepmother of my oldest two for 20 years now. I decided in the beginning I would do what is best for the kids. We talk all the time still to work out Holidays. I see this way......I get them every single Holiday in the morning. He gets them for the rest of the day. It has worked great , sometimes she still tries to get them first such as Thanksgiving . She wanted them first ( they are 21 and 23 ) . I said nicely over my dead body. They will be coming here first. I said it in a humorous way.

If she even goes on a vacation , don't you think the kids will love to go. Can you do your activities before they go? or after they come home? What hubby have to say?

The answer may depend on the details in the divorce but it is worth it to double check and fight it if possible. If there is a specific part regarding holidays it may take precedence over non specified holiday (but I am not an expert so I could be wrong). I agree though that you husband needs to be the one to fight this battle if it comes to that.

I guess what I am reading is that she called and said she wasn't going to abide by the court orders. It is not an issue because she has to obey the law and follow the court orders. All you have to do is go pick them up and leave. If she does anything you only need to call the police and show them the court ordered visitation.

If the clause is in the decree that one or the other parent can make changes with 30 days notice then you can't do anything except expect her to do this every time he has extended visitation. I would really hope this is an education to him and that he would file a motion to have that clause removed, or changed to not include holidays. I would think summer vacation would not be a holiday or Spring Break, things like that would be normal extended visitation. Then if there is a special reason to change or limit those visits, like family reunions or a music camp falling on the visit.

That isn't very clear, let me give you an example. I have a friend who is divorced and they have about 10 kids. Some were adults but about 5 were still under 21 and living at home going to school. Two moved with dad and the younger ones stayed with mom. One of "hers" was a gifted musician and wanted to go to music camp every year. Her teachers really tried to get her there is was by invitation only. The dad had his family reunion in another state that particular time during the Summer and refused to let her go to camp and miss his reunion. So she never got to go to camp. The mom never took it back to court and he always had his way. I think if they had taken it to court the judge might have made the dad switch.

Depends on what your husband wants to do. You may have to turn to a lawyer for help with this one :(

DO NOT let her take them. The holiday schedule supersedes the vacation schedule. Legally she can not take them those 2 weeks. Unless of course you wanted her to.
I used to deal with my husbands ex, but a few months ago we had it out really bad and I haven't dealt with her since. Best thing I ever did and I wish I would have made that change YEARS ago!
Good luck.