Dating and Child Support

No, why would you date someone who so clearly shows they do not take their responsibilities seriously. If they can treat their family like that why would anyone think they would treat them better.

Playing devils advocate here: it depends.

Now, I think 99% of dead beat dads do owe that money, should pay that money, and no, I would not date someone like that.

There is a very very small percentage of guys who I think get taken advantage of, and taken to the bank out of malice and spite. If they can't support themselves because all their money is going to their child's mom, that's not right, and I can see someone not paying under those circumstances.

But being as those genuine guys are so far and few between, not just no, but HELL NO would I date someone who owed thousands!!

Question 1: NO
Question 2: NO
Question 3: NO

The best way to see someone's future actions is to see their past. And it's not even in the past!! They are STILL not paying the child support owed.
I don't care what their reasoning is, but if child support is not being paid then I would not be dating that person. It really says a lot about their character.
I do not think there is a reason in the world that someone should not pay child support. I get especially cranky when someone says they never wanted kids in the first place. There are things he could have done to make sure that doesn't happen. But, EVERYONE knows that if you have sex there is a possibility so if they don't want kids, don't have sex.
I would RUN, not walk, away from that man.
L.

If he's not paying then his wages should be garnished.
The other woman probably doesn't care as long as her OWN kids are getting what they need.
There seem to be a lot of women in this world (and on this site) who date, marry and have kids with creeps and losers. I just don't get it. I guess some women just can't stand being alone :(

HECK TO THE NO! That shows what kind of person they are, and if they treat their children that way, what makes you think they would treat you different? they wont.

depends on why he is that far behind. If he is just being a dead beat dad then no I couldn't be with them.

But if its like my friend... then yes I could.
He was naive and although ordered to pay child support he was getting along with his ex. She got pregnant and then switched their court ordered her during the week and e/o weekend and him e/o weekend to his daughter was living with him and she only took the girl e/o weekend and she agreed to him stopping the child support payments since his daughter was living with him. They wrote it all up the switch and signed it together, they each got a copy of it. She said if it ever came up she would back him that he didn't have to pay it. Well after two years of this he went to court to get legally switched after a friend told him he was screwing himself and it turns out that he was. He lost his copy of it and she said there never was one and that she had her daughter all the time he didn't... it came down to he said/ she said and since that's not what the court order said it didn't matter he had to pay it... well $300 a month for 2 years yeah it adds up!! He is currently fighting it since he can prove that he has raised his daughter for the last 2 years and hopefully it will work out for him in the end.

I have another friend who's ex has totally brain washed the kids! Now his kids think he is a horrible man and she moves all the time and wont tell him where she is at. Once he finds her he always takes her to court to try to see his kids. He has fought this battle for 4 years! Since she wont let the kids see him, he refuses to pay. All her money is spent on herself and her kids go with out. I know both of the parents she was actually my best friend for years and I have talked to her about this before years ago when she started doing it. I guess I don't blame him for not paying his child support. He has been turned down in court many times when trying to get custody of the kids and has been told that its not their problem that he is not seeing his kids but he still has to pay...

Its not always black and white the reason. If he had a legit reason then maybe... like I said if he is just being a dead beat dad then hell no.

nope, I'd not trust them if they were able to not see their children or support them unless there was some huge reason like the ex was rich and the kids didn't need the money and they had joint custody and was taken to the cleaners.
Sure he might be great to your kids should you have them with him and pay and be there for them, but honestly how could you trust if things didn't work out he would care enough to still be in contact with them and not J. see the next girls kids instead

It'd raise a red flag - but at the end of the day, it's just a bill.

And I don't care if you're up-to-date on Discover! (and i'm sure it might be the bill for the hospital, or formula)

Now in someone I'm serious about - there better be a darn good explanation. Women who were a hot financial mess were women that don't make good long term partners.

As for the "okay for someone not to support their child" question - no. Visitation doesn't matter. Custodial parent being mean doesn't matter. You went to court, got your say and a judge said you pay X. I can think of no legal reason, and no morally acceptable reason not to pay - except for honest unemployment. And that better only be temporary.

I don't know if he'd be different with you - but he's already done it. This man is setting off all your red flags. Pay attention.

Nope.. Not a person I would even want as a friend.

I'll put it this way, my sister married this sort, even though she knew it. While he was in Iraq for military duty, the mother of the kids he had previous, decided to go after him for the back owed. GUESS WHAT? they took my sisters tax returns, part of her paycheck, the inheritance of my mother when she passed, and any extra income she had. They pulled reports of what she owned, and itemized her assets. They went after her because she was married to him. When he got back, he left my sister and their son for a woman he met online while in Iraq, he foreclosed and declared bankruptcy on the house, because he didnt want to deal with it, my sister also took that hit on her credit. For almost 6 years she has had to file injured spouse claims during tax time to stop that other mom from getting any returns. She is living with my dad cause she cant get a loan for a house and her financial history is so bad renters wont rent to her. My sister is 41 years old and has 3 kids to support, she works 10 hours a day at 2 jobs, she is a wonderful, sweet, upstanding woman that pays her bills on time, she just has really shitty taste in men. This was her 2nd husband, her first left her with his 2 year old daughter from his 5th wife who died during labor. So she has a daughter that isn't even hers and he doesnt give her a dime for that. The father of her first son, thankfully she never married him, but he one day he sold all her furniture and college text books to buy weed. This is her POOR judgement in men. IF you had to ask this question then you are worried, and that is enough to say NO DONT DO IT!!!!

I would have a really hard time with that, if I knew they were not paying child support. I think it is a reflection of who they are as a person and how responsible they are. No, I don't think it is okay for someone to not financially support their child. If you are responsible for a child being brought into this world, whether it was intentional or not, and whether the parents are together or not, you have an obligation to see to their needs. I also have no reason to believe that such a person would be any different toward me and any children we had together.

If this is someone you are dating, they are showing you the kind of person they are right now. I would have higher standards for anyone I wanted to continue to date. I would expect someone who is worth my time, effort, and emotions to be a better person than that.

So basically, it's a big fat NO to all of your questions.

It really depends. I've known guys who pay hundreds of dollars a month and have been behind here and there but are still good people. Then my son's biological father always had a new girlriend but when he finally signed off his rights he owed over 8 grand in back support. The saddest part was he only had to pay les then 200 a month. He never saw my son and fought me to not have to pay but was a jerk and I never understood what those girls saw in him. He even brought some of them to court and domestic relations with him over the years. Crazy!

I would ask about it and try to understand why and then watch for this situation to improve. I would not marry him or have any children with him or buy property with him or go on vacation with him until I felt confident that this had been settled. I would let him know why--because I want him to take care of his business before plopping me on top of it. I would not just jump ship.

It is a moral compass thing. I want to date people who share values with me, so if I found out that a man I was dating was not honoring his obligation to his children, then I would not continue to see him.

You need to talk to your attorney about having a clause put into your child custody agreement that prevents them from sleeping at either parent's house when a person of the opposite sex, who not related by blood or marriage, is sleeping over also. This helped my son to not be exposed to his father's revolving door policy on women. Sorry, I know that is off topic.

Definitely would NOT date someone like this. At its heart this man has no integrity or moral compass if he does not take care of his children.

Dating implies money to spend, and that money should be spent on his child(ren). No matter how great he seems, he will treat you the same way in the end.

No, I personally wouldn't date anyone that's not doing right by their kids, but then again, since my divorce, I don't date. I've devoted myself to my kids. I'm too busy working and keeping my life together to get caught up in ex-wife drama. My husband had an ex-wife who was absolutely horrible to me and I was told not to stick up for myself because if I ticked her off, she wouldn't let my husband and his family see the kids.

Anyway, that said, I know some pretty decent dads who have gotten behind on their support. One had to have two knee surgeries and was on disability for quite a long time. He asked the court, due to hardship, to just temporarily lower the support amount until he was released to go back to work and they wouldn't do it. So, they took a percentage of his disability checks and the rest went into arrears each month with 10% interest piled on. He found himself drowning in support arrears.
To make matters worse, they dragged him into court for contempt charging that he didn't have health insurance on the kid. He'd had the same policy for years and had NEVER missed a premium payment in spite of his drastically reduced income. They got that thrown out.

Not all dads who get behind are true deadbeats. Even still, I don't want mixed up in any of it.
My youngest is 16 and when he's grown and gone, I figure there must be a few men left alive and single that are my age and well beyond the child support stage.

I'll consider dating then.

Just my opinion.

Not in a million years.

It shows the character of the person. Some women out there just think it's a case by case basis and would believe the BS story the man gives them. Or they think it wouldn't happen to THEM. Some get swept away by some attention and being a single mother are bedazzled... or desparate to have some kind of family again.

I would not have a relationship with such a person, or at best try to help him figure out how to get back on track with his children and support. But again, it shows the character of the person.

K. B
mom to 5 including triplets

My husband seemingly owed a truck load of back child support. There was a time he was paying the ex-wife directly. He would just transfer money into her account from his. No he didn't keep records and he didn't report these amounts to or through the courts.

No it isn't okay for someone not to support their kids but there are circumstances that come up and make sense in the scheme of things.

In general if a person doesn't pay child support for their own children they could potentially be treating you and your children just the same way.

In life however everything isn't so black and white and there is somebody for everybody and different people have different standards for life and living and mate potential. I find that is helps to look at life through a variety of lenses from microscope to telescope.

For me...this would be a deal breaker...says that he is irresponsible and doesn't care about his kids. If we ever had kids...I would be worried he would do the same thing to me. He would be out of my life ASAP.