Dating or Getting to Know Someone Before Dating

SC...go back and re-read Page W's post ...she is so right on!! Guys/Men are soooo simple!~ Say hello, he may be afraid of you not wanting to talk to him...jeesh, just say hi...Hello has never been a commitment!

Good luck sweetie!

I don't think you have to explain all this to him, don't make too many assumptions about what he's thinking or assuming about you. Absolutely talk to him, even invite him for coffee. If it's going to be trouble for him, trust that he is smart enough to decline. It can be as simple as saying hello the next time you see him, and say "it would be nice to visit with a fellow graduate," or something and make a casual plan to hang out. If it's too much for him, he will say so.

hi
First off, I would say STOP personalizing all this and doing so much mind tripping.. How do you know what he might think if you haven't seen or talked to him in years that you are a big B.... believe it or not, most people don't think in those terms.. He , himself IF going thru a divorce probably is trying to figure out his own life let alone think a woman for whom he hasn't talked to since HS is a b...
You are way over thinking matters here ... point blank.. the next time you see him, say hi.. didn't we go to highschool together? really, life doesn't have to be as complicated as one might think.. people don't spend as much time thinking about us as we think they do.
Also, you mentioned swearing off men due to a bad relationship with your ex. I wouldn't lump ALL men together and IF you still have even a little of that attitude, perhaps you aren't ready for even a plutonic friendship with this guy. If you go into any kind of friendship or relationship with an attitude of ALL MEN ARE ALIKE, then bam... that is what you WILL get... you create your reality not others. IF you think negatively I do believe you will attract negativity. Same goes for the positive... think positive thoughts, you 'll attract that in your life.
best of luck to you!

There are two things to consider here.
One is your kids. Please do them a favor and keep your relationship separate from them until you decide what role this man will play in your life and theirs. It keeps two sets of hearts from being hurt rather than one if things don't work out. It also gives you two a chance to know each other as a man and woman without the "mom" tag, because we woman are both. =) The worst thing that divorcees with kids do is bring person after person into a child's life. Take that seriously and not lightly.
Two. As you know, it is incredibly painful to end an relationship. We jump into relationships SO fast in this country! Take time with this guy if you want to know him better. Create a friendship, have coffee, go on a hike, go to the movies, make lists of things that you are interested and trade them with him, talk to his friends and relatives (you can learn a LOT from that experience!). Be willing to study him and see whether he has the qualities of someone you would want to spend the next 50 years with. Try to imagine him with no hair and a potbelly. =)
Having been through 18 years of marriage which ended in divorce and remarried again I can tell you I have had a lot of time to think about this! 5 of our children are now over 21 and they have heard the mantra many times...FRIENDSHIP, RESPECT, TRUST! Develop the friendship, the respect comes from knowing the person and the trust will come. Without all those ingredients no TRUE relationship (even same sex friendships) cannot last.
And trust your gut. Good luck!
Oh and if you would like, I can recommend some great books that will help you. =)

You're thinking too hard, and doing the typical overanalyzing woman thing. Just say hi to the guy.

And please, unless you want to send him running for the hills, don't say ANY of that stuff you mentioned in your post.

And he's not thinking any of the things you mentioned in your post. He's probably thinking something like: "I'm hungry. I wonder where they keep the pizza. Oh, look, there's that chick from high school. She's kinda cute. And she had nice tits."

Sorry to be crude, but it's true.

Invite him to a party or other group event. It'll give you some time to chat and get to know each other without the pressure of being one on one. Take it really slow and don't expect a lot to happen right away.

I recommend reading the book The Secret Laws of Attraction by Talane Meadner(sp?). You can find her and great tips from her on lifecoach.com. I find her book useful for everyone whether single,divorced,or married to have a good relationship.
-Rachna

Greetings S C: I have a sister that has been in a simular situation and since my husbands passing away I have found myself being approached a few times.
I have found for myself that I am very selctive over who I make friends with that are male. Just because I see them and say hello does not mean that I am going to talk about much else or give it another thought. I never put myself in a compromising or embarrassing situation. In fact I generally will not talk to a man for long at all if we are alone as a personal choice.
Please think about 3 things.
1. you have a child and that child needs to come first. The time you have to build that relationship is so very important & does not need a stranger in it.
2. Are you double thinking all this out of fear of making another mistake or because you are not sure of what you are ready for and are not sure if youare ready
to moving on with your life.
3. Consider that if he is still going through a divorce or seperation-- he is still married and since you have been through all that yourself why would you want to consider anything more than a quick hello to anyone that is married.
Because he sure won't be in a healthy place for a period of time and that could get real ugly. (seen it happen to a friend).
Enjoy learning about yourself and the new woman that you are becoming and the freedom to make your own choices without asking for anothers imput. It is very hard, I have spent this time without the man I loved in frozen state but when I decided recently to just paint the rooms of the house or redecorate it was very impowering to do it on my own.Now I am planning a vacation. Keep in mind that you can have a casual friend that never has to be apart of your personal life-(be it male or female) that you talk to but doesn't have any contact with your home or child and is safe and secure. Keep yoour home a haven for you and your child. Good Luck Nana G

TALK TO HIM!!! Get to know him. If there aren't any sparks, then you have made a new friend (you can't have too many of those). If there are sparks, take it very slowly and ask all the important questions even if they are uncomfortable. I had the same situation (I really mean the same situation :) when I met my dh and that is what I did. It worked and we have been married for 15 years. Good luck-T.

There are more good men than bad, in my view. I think it is just that the good ones are more humble or quiet, or involved with family, so they don't stand out as much as the bad ones (who draw more attention).
Consider being this man's friend, at least for now. Be casually friendly... if the context of conversation seems appropriate try confessing some difficulty in your life, nothing too personal, just a source of stress (ie: something about the school, or your child has the flu, or your car is in the shop), to open the door and build some friendly trust. If he needs to talk to someone he could take that as an opening to sympathize and confess his own stress. Or you could ask his advice about something--like if you have a son and there is a "boy" behavior you aren't sure about, maybe he can advise you (as a guy, and as a dad). If he is a sensitive, quiet type he may welcome a new friend. But don't worry about if it is "appropriate" to talk to him (unless you live in a small gossipy town)--divorced and separated men are allowed to talk to old classmates in the grocery store. = )
If you really haven't dated for 6 years, it would be uncomfortable, awkward and emotionally risky for you to try to jump in suddenly to dating. You had bad relationships in the past, and then you got used to being alone for a long time. None of this is conducive to having good dating skills. So if you try too hard, you're sure to mess it up somehow. = )
Men tend to consider women in a physical or romantic way, regardless of situation---this is not a "predatory thing" (unless they are constant skirt chasers) but just a natural thing. What I MEAN is that IF you are his friend, and IF there is an attraction on his end, he is likely to do something about it when he is ready, if he gets the idea you enjoy his company. But divorces can take a long while, and recovery can also sometimes take a long while (you don't need to be a rebound date).
Don't worry so much. Be a friend, and if there is more there, you'll realize it soon enough. = )

Hi SC-
I want to encourage you with this. Not all men are bad. Just like not all women are "B's". The thing is, you had a very bad relationship and a very bad experience. But this is ONE experience. If you cooked one bad meal, would you quit cooking for ever? Or would you dig in your heels and learn to do better? It is the same with relationships. YOu can't give up. YOu definately need a break, which you took ,and I am so happy that you did, getting your life in order. The thing is to prepare yourself for a allowing a third party to be a part of that new and improved life (sans loser ex) because you are an amazing woman and that should be shared with someone.
Start with small talk- say hi, ask him how he's doing. Let it go with that, telling him it was nice to see him. After a few of those, mention that your kids go to the same school and that it was great to see him after all these years, still looking healthy or what not. Compliment with a light heart and allow the conversations to do their thing. He may be in a low spot with the divorce and all, and may need just a light hearted friend, who may be more later. The more you worry about it, the worse it will be. Take your time and get to know him and ease into getting to know someone of the opposite sex.
Good luck!
-E.

Dear S C,
The first part of your dilemma is an easy one, really.
Next time you see him, just casually go up to him and say, "I've seen you around and wanted to say hello, but I wasn't sure you'd remember me." (This happens to me often...I'll see someone I went to school with but for some reason never expect they'll recognize me and it usually turns out they felt the same way). What can it really hurt? After all, your kids go to the same school so you do have something in common and there's really no reason for continued awkward situations. Just saying hello to someone doesn't mean you're headed into a committed relationship or anything.
I've been single for 12 years, by choice and I don't date, but I have to say that I have made some wonderful male friends. My married friends often try to fix me up with someone. I'm not adverse to meeting new people, but I make it very clear that I'm not interested in a serious relationship or "dating". I might change my mind if someone I was really attracted to came along, but so far, that hasn't happened.
I have a real monster of an ex-husband myself, so I'm in no hurry to make another mistake, but all men are not evil. They really aren't. That's not to say that they are all right for me either.
I would at least say hi to the guy. If he starts spilling his entire life story in the middle of the grocery store, that might be a sign to run in the other direction as far as getting any more personally involved, but at least you can wave and say hello after that if you see each other at school, etc. Whether he is or isn't going through a divorce, I don't think it would be inappropriate to speak to him.
Try to relax a little about it.
I have found that I actually like being in control of who is welcome at my home, who has my phone number, who knows anything personal about my life. I have found it very liberating, really.
There's a guy in my town that I've known for years. He was introduced to me by another friend at a social gathering. When I moved into this house, it happened to be just down the block from him. One day when I got home, I went to the mailbox and he stopped in front of my house. It caught me off guard and I just blurted out,
"Excuse me...how did you know where I live?"
He said, "It's pretty simple, really. I see you drive by and your car is in the driveway every day." Oh.
I felt like a bit of a doofus, but he didn't hold it against me.
He's very nice. Everyone knows him. And he has shown an interest in me, but he is not my type and I know it. My son and I always stop to talk to him when we go on our walks. We always chat if we see each other in the store. But that's as far as I want it to go.
The last person I was introduced to is super nice, but he is a very picky eater, will not touch fish or seafood of any kind (which we absolutely LOVE), won't eat 99% of vegetables, said he won't eat anything that has more than 4 ingredients in it, he won't eat meat AND potatoes, it has to be one or the other. I knew right away it was not a match made in heaven because he would never eat anything I basically cook. There's a perfect woman out there somewhere for him, it just isn't me. And that's okay.
Sorry this got so long, but try not to read so much into just saying hello to someone.
Take care!

I am not a single mom but it seems to me that it can't hurt to talk to him. Let it start out as making a new friend. If it turns into something else then it sounds like that would be great for you. If not, you can't have too many friends.

Sounds like you need to just take a deep breath and say HI! Start chatting with him, just a little here and there, and let his interest guide you in how much to tell him and when.
All the things you shared here are great to tell him but perhaps not the first time you two talk, and certainly not if he is watching his watch and needing to go. As long as you two can keep it a 2-way dialogue, certainly share your feelings and concerns in offending him unintentionally and awkwardness in knowing what to say/do.

Be brave and go for it!

It sounds like it is time that you give yourself permission to be happy. There are wonderful men out there, and wonderful relationships possible. Your responsibility is to be or become one half of that future awesome relationship - which means you can be open, welcoming, and non-judgmental - without the 'what-ifs' and all the baggage of everything you've gone through. And you can find someone who has those same characteristics. You can learn from your past without allowing it to dictate your future. And I completely agree with another poster - you can never have too many friends - we all need support going through this life - and a friend is just that - there are no expectations beyond that - unless there is a mutual agreement that is where you want it to go. So go say Hi to the guy - and let him fill you in on the details of his life - instead of trying to figure it all out through the grapevine - not the best place for accurate information. Good luck!!!

You are way overthinking it.

Next time you run into him say hello. Don't lay all of what you are thinking on him. Consider just being friendly. You will learn what you need to and can go at a slow pace. In time, if things turn romantic then good for you. If not, you are no worse off with another old friend. Goodness knows single parents need a social network too!

Good luck.

Dear S C,

It is soooo hard! Being a single mom for the past 5 years, I too have had a hard time deciding IF I want to date, but also, just knowing what is acceptable. It has been more than 20 years since I first dated my ex husband, and times have changed (I think.) I still feel that I'm not ready for a relationship, but just making friends can be such a mind trip - am I coming off too friendly, will he get the wrong idea, what if he thinks I'm too forward, etc. That is the problem with us women! If possible, and if you feel comfortable, next time, just go up and say hi, I remember you from school. Or something casual like that. Try not to think ahead into the future, but just be friendly. If he's interested in talking more, let him show it too. You're not the only one who hasn't started a conversation. Remember that he could say something too. In the meantime, I understand your not wanting to date again. After a bad relationship, it is hard to believe there is anything good out there. And I think we're a bit more picky. But there are some good men out there. You may just want to be friends for a while. I think you'll know if the right one really does come along. Remember that you are worth being treated right and don't settle for anything less.

1st,Don' think of yourself as a B . I'm sure you've thought of things you could talk to him about, like old school friends. What's he been doing all these years? What ever happened to_____? His child.
Maybe he's thinking the same thing about himself ????
Just do it ! What do you have to lose? Think about how proud you'll be at yourself for taking that 1st step.
Good Luck, K.

Just say hi! Talking to him doesn't mean you're making a relationship commitment, getting into his personal life, or having an impact on your kids. Relax and enjoy the act of being friendly!

Dear S C,

I would keep smiling and just say hi if you run into this man. You might be done with your divorce and ex problems, but if he isn’t, do you really want to deal with his mess? What if he was married to another high school mate?

If you are at the point where you would like to start dating, start fresh, start slow, with someone new that you know doesn’t have any excess baggage.

Blessings…..

I have 2 sons,a nephew, and 3 male cousins that are really shy. It is okay to be the first to say "Hi." He may really need a friend. Sorry you have had a bad past with your x, but there is a future and it is yours to embrace.

Good luck

go for it. be friends.

I'm glad smething is telling you that all men are not bad. A painful experience can really mess up the mind! My two cents is "less is more" and there is no reason to explain why you did or didn't strike up a conversation with him, but since he did smile and acknowledge you, the next time you see him just give him a friendly (not flirty) smile, an honest smile, and if you are close enough to speak casually say something like "hi, how's it going?" You don't need to have a full length conversation mapped out, etc. If he wants to get to know you better or again or whatever, he will take the next step - and it may be a baby step. If he isn't ready or not interested in women right now, you haven't put yourself out there in an unseemly way. A smile can brighten anyone's day and it doesn't have to mean anything more than a smile. If he keeps opening the door wider proceed with caution and see what happens. No expectations = no disappointments. Slow and easy on your heart and his. I hope something fun happens for you - 6 years is a long time to mourn a love gone wrong.

Good luck.

G.