Daughter and Her Family Living with Us.

Give her a date that she needs to move out by, and stick to it (I would say about three months). In those three months, make a list of rules:
1. Husband must look for work
2. They must contribute 25% (or more, up to 50%) of the weekly grocery bill
3. Create a list of chores they are responsible for

If you want to, offer to care for the baby once the husband gets a job, even after they move out.

Once they realize they don't have the option to live with you anymore, they will find a way to do it on their own. As long as you continue to enable them, they won't have any reason to make a change.

I have to ask. With a 4000 ft home how much is your heating bill usually....ours is a couple hundred per month and we have a lot less space than that. Seems like that would be close to your normal bill with or without them. Just had to ask.

I would say you love your daughter very much to put up with this for this long.

It is easy for us to say do this or do that. When it comes to the child you carried in your body it is hard to be harsh with them.

I think you have already started to accept there will be changes coming. You would not have posted this question without that feeling in your heart.

You live in 4000 sq. feet of home. You have enough space for them. I imagine you don't feel like you are on top of them all the time anyway, I may be wrong though. We lived with hubby's mom and dad for a few months and it was hard. She would not stay out of our room. I would come home from work and she would have gone through my drawers and straightened them or rearranged them. She would have gathered the laundry and washed and dried it. She would have come in and cleaned the bathroom, etc....I was livid and felt invaded and I was totally pissed. Looking back now I know she was doing her best to try and help me be a working wife, to make my life easier, and here I made her life hell while I lived in her home.

She died a few years ago and I miss her every day. She was the best person and totally a role model I can look up to and try to emulate.

The house out there is 4 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms, 2 living areas, dining room, office, and they closed in the deck to make a workshop for my FIL. So it is a huge space.

We had only been married a couple of years so we were always "in the mood". The master suite is off the living room where the huge screen TV is so if we wanted to do the deed we had to wait until everyone was in bed at the other end of the house. That spoiled the fun and spontaneity more than once....lol.

That said. From a mom's point of view I would say you can decide how you feel and what you want to happen.

You can give them a deadline of when they need to be out.

You can decide to downsize, a lot actually, and tell them the house is being put on the market and that you expect them to be moved out when it sells.

You can decide to let them stay as long as they want, to welcome them into your home with open arms. Knowing as long as they are there your grandchildren will just be a few steps away and you will always be there for them.

It seems to me you have to resolve the issues that stand.

Why not make it standard to have a monthly household meeting to discuss any issues and make some simple goals. I would have a lot of chores in jars, daily, bi-weekly, weekly, bi monthly, monthly, every 3 months, every 6 months, once per year.

Then I would tell them that each adult was going to take turns picking out one job from each jar. That would be their assigned task. IF they didn't do it no one else would be, it would be their job.

Then let them start picking out those lovely jobs like empty the dishwasher after every meal, clean every toilet in the house each Monday and Friday, clean the carpets with a steam cleaner each march and September, etc..... They will get tired of getting all this work assigned.

They will want to move more after doing this one thing than any other thing. They won't think they'll have to work that hard in their own place.

Either way, you won't have so much to do.

This may be hard to hear, but since you cannot change them, you must change your own behavior if you want the situation to change.

You don't say how old they are, but it sounds like you're enabling them, and making it quite comfortable for them to keep taking advantage! Why would they WANT to move out on their own when they've got free housing, and free phone/cable/internet, and don't even have to work for it? It's *better* than a place of their own where they'd have to pay for those things themselves--or go without.

You and your husband have to start making it a whole lot less comfortable to stay where they are--make it MORE appealing for them to get out on their own! You're probably going to have to show some "tough love" here. If they want to eat, they need to help around the house to earn it, or pay for their own groceries.

I don't mean you should pull the rug out from under them and chuck them into the street this minute, but you will need to stop treating them as though they are children who cannot fend for themselves. You must start treating them as though you believe they are capable adults.

For instance, do NOT cosign for anything else or agree to pay any additional bills, down payments or deposits, etc. Have they been saving up any money to get their own place? If not, they need to be.

Giving them an occasional small gift is loving, but when you give them *everything they need and then some* for NOTHING, it's like saying, "I have no faith in your ability to do it yourselves." On the surface, it seems like the loving thing to do, but it's actually a form of disrespect towards her, and especially towards her husband.

You and your husband need to sit down with the two of them for a grown-up talk, and set some goals--get a time frame settled for when they need to have certain things done (realistically), detail what the consequences will be if they are not done by that time, and then (the hardest part!) STICK TO IT. It may be that you'll have to kick them out at some point, if they just refuse to change.

This may mean your spoiled princess and her guy might get mad at you, and may even threaten to keep your grandchildren from you. But as painful as that may be, the truth is, if you really want what is best for them, they MUST learn how to stand on their own two feet. And that also means you might have to watch, without interfering, as they fall on their faces or backsides a few times, too. It's part of the learning process!

Encourage them, express confidence in them, guide them, and provide advice when asked, but *stop paying* for everything!

If they really need a handout, there are plenty of government programs to help them with survival--after that, if they want "luxuries," then they'll have to figure out a way to make it work.

Give them 30 days to move, be firm, but do not be open for a discussion or listen to the excuses. Do not argue. It has been 2 years and nothing has changed. Simply put your foot down and leave it alone. If they don't move, put their stuff into storage and change the locks.

It will be difficult but do not back down. You are not doing anyone a favor by letting anyone take advantage of you at your family's expense. There is satisfaction to realizing you can take care of yourself! Let them do it because thye can if they have too!

Your daughter made a family and it seems she is doing everything she can to make a home but her husband is an anchor around her neck. Until he changes or she sees him for what he is there is nothing you can do.

Be there for your daughter and grandchildren if and when she realizes who her husband is.

Is the husband supposed to work in order to stay in this country? If he is here illegally (not working), then turn him in to INS. THAT will make him go get a job.

Tell your daughter that she has 3 months to go find another place to live. You say she can't afford an apartment, but what has she been doing with the money she makes if you are paying all the bills?

Nothing will change until you tell them they have to leave. If they are awful and treat you badly, call the police and THEY will tell them they have to leave.

You have to show them that you mean business, S..

I'm sorry you are going through this, but you never should have allowed this much liberty to them in the first place. They are both grown adults. People have to work when they are just starting out. It's the way life is. They need to learn it. And he needs to go get a job. Period. The only way it seems that he'll do it is for you to make them move out.

Enabling this behavior is your fault. If they say you'll never see them again, call their bluff and say that if that's how they want things to be, that's up to them.

I would have someone there with you to stand by you when they are leaving so that they don't take your stuff. You should get your important papers with social security numbers, bank records, credit card records and numbers, tax records, etc and remove them from the house before you tell them. You never know what they might do, and you don't want them tempted to try to steal your identity. Guard your pocketbook during the remaining 3 months. In fact, I'd change your credit card numbers as soon as they leave.

If you don't do this, you'll never get rid of them.

Dawn

Sounds like he is a free loader. Tell them that they need to find their own place and help them look and give them a time line. This is a very unhealthy way of living and if your daughter cannot see what he is doing then she needs to become aware and this may be the best way. Let her know that she is always welcome but not to live with.

N.

You have to make them move.
They will be alright.

I have lived through this and it almost destroyed my marriage.
I support my daughter from afar. She has three little ones under the age of 4, works full time and goes to school. Her husband does does work and drink daily tho not lots.

It will be the hardest thing you ever do, but you need to sit down and tell them they have 60 days.
We actually moved out from under them since we were renting property but if you owned your own home it is different I know.
Still, you can do it. And it will be better for her in the long run. I believe beyond a shadow of a doubt that my daughter will wake up one day.
I will be there for her then.

S