Daughter Can't Seem to Get It Thru Her Head!

simple: "the reason you have the phone is to call ME to begin with, so if you don't do it, you don't need a phone anymore"...shoot, teens can be soo darn difficult at times...hang in there, mama!

Is it at all possible for you to find her alternate transportation to and from school? Take away the privilege of walking with friends. If she's not responsible enough to call or text then she's not responsible enough to get herself to and from school. Can you take her before work and have her ride the bus home? I know when I was that age the last thing I wanted was to ride the bus or have my mom seen taking me to school. Taking the phone won't solve anything. You won't be able to get ahold of her and she won't have any reason to get ahold of you. Solve the root of the problem.

Don't use the cell phone as a leash. That is a big mistake. She is at the age where she is trying to break away from you and this is normal. Have rules and stick ny them but think of another way to go about it. I have a 22 and 16.5 yr old girls and I have never used the phone as a babysitter/leash. They have learned to be responsible through their own good/bad choices and that's fine with me. They will be better for it. (They already are). If you think texting you is going to stop any poor behavior, you got another thing coming!

My daughter is 16 and drives to school now. Talk about freaking out when she forgets to text when she is at school safely.

She did forget to text a couple times until she was in class and she texted. I know she gets wrapped up in her social life.

What did I do the last time she forgot to text me??? Her 1st period class is Geometry and her cheer coach is a Geometry teacher (not hers). So. I texted coach and asked if she was at school. Coach, slipped into the other class and said, _____ did you forget to do something as soon as you got to school?? I was just checking to see if you were here.

She was horrified. She has never forgotten to let me know about her arrival anymore.

our current punishment mode is: for each day you think you can give me "attitude", that's one more day your driving permit is delayed.

OMG, the 1st time I said it to my son.....who's a very good kid normally....his face was priceless! My response to his complaint was "if I can't trust you to treat me right/decently, then I can't trust you behind the wheel. Life interconnects, & you do not have the privilege to be disrespectful". So far, it's working!

Right now, he's fighting us on the little things: putting on sunscreen before working in the sun all day.....watering the dogs when "omg, Mom, they have 1/2 a bowl still" ---"yes, son, but we're leaving in 15 minutes".......all those stupid little things which I shouldn't have to remind him about! We are trying hard to reward positive behavior & working harder to prevent those odd moments of defiance/mouth.

I would honestly consider removing all privileges until she can comply with basic safety rules. & that's what this is: you want to know that she's safely in your home, & it is her responsibility to comply. Make it hurt & she'll know you mean business. & most importantly, don't raise your voice....get quieter - it's amazing how much of a difference that makes! Peace.....

I think you are treating her like a responsible person. SHe is not acting like one. SO, if it were me, I'd treat her like a child. 14 yr olds hate that! I would take away her phone since she is not usiing it for the intended purpose. I would make arrangements with a neighborhood person to "babysit" her. SInce she can't be trusted to meet expectations and you can't trust that she is acting responsibly, she will have to be under a responsible adults care. This will send her into a huge tizzy but she will get the picture. When you can't be trusted to act responsibly, you get treated like a child. When she's ready to try again, give her another chance. But the very 1st time you have that issue, put a time limit on it. Ok, I trusted you, you let me down, so, no phone and go to Mrs so and sos house for 2 weeks. She's testing you, so if you let her have an inch, she is going to take a mile. Be consistant.

How many days has she walked home from school and nothing's happened to her and she's committed no crimes? What is going to happen in 10 minutes? Maybe instead of punishing her, you could trust her and let out the electronic leash a bit and forget the unnecessary phone calls. Give her credit for not texting boys - that's good! Don't take away the "privilage" of walking home from school, give her more responsibility and jobs in addition to walking the dog and expect her to do them. A 14 year-old is ready for more. I bet a lot of us did not call our moms the minute we got home from school at 14, we had chores and cooking dinner and caring for siblings and/or homework to do and we did it.

I just read the book "Free range Kids" and I strongly recommend that all of us Moms read it. Some really good points about how we are treating our kids and even teenagers as helpless and in need of constant supervision. If we treat them like that, they will act like that.

Drop her off at school in the mornings as punishment. She'll have to sit there and wait for school to open (or sit by herself in the cafeteria), but drop her off. After school, tell the office you want her riding the bus (aka 'the big cheese') instead of walking home with friends. Have her do this for a week... then tell her she can do it for the rest of the year if she doesn't start respecting your rules.

I agree that taking the phone away isn't going to help this situation... unless you have a house phone. Make her call from the house phone as soon as she gets home so you know she's there, or if her cell has a camera, have her text you a picture of her sitting in her room... doing homework ;)

Sounds to me like she isn't mature enough to be home after school alone/unsupervised. this has notihgn to do with a phone. . .
Seriously, Hire a college girl to meet her afterschool and "babysit" her until you get home. $40 a week - max - with summer around the corner - this same girl could run a little higher.
Your daughter will be so mortified, that after a week, she'll follow the rules and if not - College sitter is on speed dial.

For next school year -

Can you drop her at school on your way to work? Yep, she will be there way early, but that is okay.
Have the bus home?- cuts down on the "social" hour after school. Or find an after school program for her to go to.

My son has this same issue - I pay for his phone, I expect him to always answer it when I text/call. If he does not, I remind him that I can cancel his service at any time. The phone is a privilege. She could just as easily call you from the house land line when she leaves in the morning, call you from school when she arrives there, and vice versa.

Also, consequences - do you have hard and fast rules regarding attitude and expectations? If not, make them, in writing, and share them with her.
Do you have consistent consequences for breaking the rules? Again, make them, put them in writing and share them with her. Stick to it.

Good Luck - these are hard years. I am told my son may be human again by the time he reaches 20. :(

God Bless

You need to find her currency.
If she doesn't call when she is supposed to, she loses a privilege...
You need to make it hurt.

LBC

Sounds to me like she's just not mature enough for a cell phone yet!

Interesting how times have changed isn't it :) By the time I was 14 I'd already been baby sitting for 3 years, walked to and from school without checking in with my mom, and cell phones didn't exist LOL But on to the actual question.

The rudeness/attitude/eye rolling ... get used to it, it's not going away anytime soon. I've never cared about the eye rolling ... roll 'em all you want, you're still gonna do what I tell you. Attitude .. well that depends on what they say to me. Sometimes I ignore it, sometimes they get an "excuse you?", and sometimes they get a "Talk to me like that again and you'll suffer". All depends on the content and how bad the tone really is.

The phone ... I like the suggestion that if you have a house phone, take her phone away and make her call you from that when she gets home. If that doesn't fix the problem then start adding other things to take away. Video games, tv, etc. ... whatever she loves to do.

As for the being outside socializing and walking slow ... well DUH. Did you rush home to walk the dog and do homework when you were a teenager? I know I didn't rush home after school. I took my sweet time, walked with my friends and chattered pretty much the whole darn way.

Maybe think about easing up a little. Maybe part of this is her way of saying "Geeze mom ... I'm not 4 anymore". Or maybe she's just a brat and needs a good beating LOL metaphorically speaking of course :)

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Maybe take her phone away when you are home, on wknds, evenings, or whatever. Surely there is something you can ground her with that will get the message across?
She is at an age that you don't want to lose full control of her thats for sure, it can go fast if you don't stay on it. Teenagers :/ are just big toddlers.

I have a 14 year old as well, and she is all about pushing the rules to see what she can get away with. Where is mom going to push back and where is she just going to let it go. I would get sooo angry. BUT I finally figured out that when she doesn't do it the way I ask, I give her a punishment that is going to hurt her. Each child is different, so you have to find what is really, REALLY important to them and take it away. I always let my kids see their friends. So when my daughter did something I told her not to do 3 times, I told her no to take her to her friends house. She was shocked I said no! This one time was REALLY important to her, so I took it away. I didn't get angry, I just said NO! But again each child is different. And it takes practice. I know some moms said to give her some space, but she is your child and you have to raise her the way you are comfortable with. Pick which battles are important to you. They may be different for someone else. But if it is important to you, the punishment has got to show her just how important it is. I by no means have gotten this down yet, I am working on it. But keep trying, you find the answers through continually trying. I hope this helps. Good Luck! Oh, and by the way, the more anger you show her, the more they do it. (I don't get this as I don't like to make waves, but my daughter doesn't care if I get angry! I think she actually feeds off it).

I sort of feel like this is a respect or not on her priority list. Believe me I remember how it was-and honestly the last thing on a child's mind when socializing with friends is to stop and think "Oh I better call mom". It's not on their priority list but it is on yours.
Make it a priority for your daughter. Don't go tracking her down -she needs to call YOU. That is the rule and she needs to respect that and needs to learn that its a priority when she arrives home. IF she doesn't respect it then consequences need to be made. Taking the phone away would obviously hurt you and the situation more than teach her anything so you need to come up with another type of consequence for her. Consistency is the key. The excuse of she doesn't hear the phone go off is most likely legitimate but it's also on the lines of a copout. What is the first thing you do when you get out of work? Probably look at your cell phone right? She is distracted by her "friends" the first thing she should do is grab that cell phone and turn the volume up so she can hear the call....but honestly I would make her be the responsible one to call YOU when she gets home not YOU tracking her down. If she doesn't follow this simple rule and you get a handle on it-this is only the beginning my dear. What are you going to do when she begins driving and won't tell you where she is or going and you are busy roaming about the town looking for your daughter.....teach her NOW to be responsible and call you. It's not a control issue either-sorry-to me it's a respect thing. Maybe this was a pet peeve instilled in me through my parents but it took years for my husband to at least leave me a note to know where he was at if I got home and he wasn't there....course now there are cell phones so a little different but it took some time for him to understand that I was concerned when I got home and he wasn't there......I used to tell him what if something happened-I would have no idea where you were what time you had left or anything and what "IF" something happened? That is and always will be my concern....I could care less that he went golfing-good for him. When my girls become of age the things they involve themselves in as long as I know where they are and they don't evade my trust in them - I won't care but you better believe they better call me-otherwise.....every action has a consequence. Don't feel like you don't have any ground to stand on with her-she "thinks" you don't because she knows she HAS to have the cell phone-better be glad she ain't my daughter-lol! You wanna play the game-I played myself and I can play too-I just don't play nice. I'm not here to be "friends" with my daughter's yes I want an open relationship with them but there is a very fine line there-I AM their mother/parent and that still has to be known by the child. I may change my entire view once my daughters reach that age-lol! Right now they are 8 years old so we shall see how it goes. This parenting thing is hard-no handbook, no instructions, .......it's not fair ;()(

You're right. I'm going to tell you to just take the phone away. Do you have a landline at your house? She can use that to call you when she gets home. Isn't that part of your "issue"... that she doesn't call you WHEN she gets home, but rather from outside socializing still? She can call you before she leaves the house to walk, too.

She is not using the phone for its intended purpose, so why should she enjoy the PRIVILEGE of having it? The groundings don't really address the issue, which is all phone related. Make the discipline fit the offense. Take the phone. She'll "get it" pretty quickly. Every single time she fails to do what she is supposed to, the phone is GONE. Why should she keep it if she isn't using it to YOUR benefit anyway?

Sounds to me like you know what to do. I would take her phone away since she's not using it for the purpose intended. I would also call the house phone (if you have one, many don't these days) and if she doesn't answer, then she would get grounded from something she enjoys like hanging out with friends or sleepovers. JMO. Have you ever explained that it's a safety issue? Maybe if she realizes that, she may change. Perhaps, with help of someone make her worry about you for a couple of hours so she knows how it feels. For instance, have you husband or mother tell your daughter to call you and simply don't pick up. I would make someone aware so not everyone would worry, just her. Sometimes kids have to feel it to understand it. Good Luck!

Arbitrary groundings don't work. You have to have expected consequences. You need house rules that are in writing in plain sight and posted with written consequences that are reasonable on the same chart. Keep the rules in positive language.

1. Before classes start and when classes end, cell phones volume will be turned on and we will respond to each other when called or texted.

2. Everyone will show respect at all times.

3. Everyone will refrain from shouting and yelling at each other.

3. Obey Mom and Dad.

4. Complete your assigned chores.

5. Friends are only allowed in the house when Mom or Dad is home.

Etc. Then you include consequences which should include loss of privileges that mean something. Make sure that it's not something that the whole family would miss out on, but would be something like having to do extra chores (and name them specifically) or losing time at the mall with friends or losing a sleepover. But if all of the rules are followed, make sure that there's a reward to work toward as well and make sure that's included on the chart. Maybe it's lunch out together just Mom and Daughter at a place of her choice on a Saturday afternoon.

Do you have caller ID at work? If so, would it help if she had to call you from your home phone when she came home from school ?
Sorry I don't have any better ideas. I'm sooo not looking forward to when my DD becomes a teenager. If she's anything like I was, God help me!

Grandma T.- I seriously LOL!!

I like Victoria W's response a lot. It also seems to me that the phone is just for contacting you. If that is the case she doesn't need it anyway. Money you can keep in your pocket. Decide if it's fine for her to socialize outside the house with friends when she gets home. If so, express to her that it isn't the socializing that's the problem, just that she doesn't call right away. Ask her to call before she leaves and as soon as she gets home (take books, bags, etc. inside & call) and then she can socialize away. If that still doesn't work, it's time to hit her where it hurts, as Rebuckster S. suggested. Also make sure she understands why you need her to call. Try explaining it in a way that she can relate to (i.e. what if I was late to pick you up & you couldn't get a hold of me...). I hope that you can find a solution that works. Good luck. :-D

Maybe you need to change your thought process. My mom always said "no news is good news". First of all, my youngest daughter calls me most days the minute she is traveling home from work, she is 18. Some days she does not call and then it makes me wonder! So it can go both ways.
If you tell her what your expectations are of her, trust her, and unless you find out she isn't abiding by the rules you have set otherwise let her be...give her a little line...you will be so much less stressed and she will hopefully learn that it isn't a control thing you are just concerned that she is Ok. Hopefully, this will work to your good and she will want to call you when she is in need of you and seek your approval for those things out of the norm for her.
Good luck and best wishes..
M.

Keep grounding her until she does it. You shouldn't have to chase after her to get her to text you -- you are busier than she is. Tell her that. When she's been grounded a couple of times, she'll start texting you.

If she gives you attitude about it - ignore it. Let her have her hissy fit, but she still has to text you at the time you tell her to. You are worried about her safety, and you have a right to have her text or call you. The main point is that she texts you when you tell her to.

Take phone away for a week....trust me nothing works faster.

Well, knowing me, I'd probably call/text HER, rather than wait for her to call/text ME. I mean the goal of the thing is to makes sure she's home safe and sound right? Seems like a needless battle if you can just contact her at the same time.

:)

Maybe take the phone away just for the weekend since I am sure she has it for safety reasons. Anything she asks you to do over the weekend tell her no. If she can't be bothered to take your call/or call you you can't be bothered to take her the mall/friends/etc. Good luck, the teen years are tough.

I highly recommend Parent Effectiveness Training by Thomas Gordon or any other parenting book/workshop that resonates with you. In order to be the best parent we can, it is vital that we obtain all the tools we can to support us. There are so many ideas like pick your battles, who owns the problem, how to talk so they will listen, how to listen so they feel heard, how to set clear boundaries and appropriate consequences, etc. that we just need help with.

It doesn't mean we are bad parents because we don't already know this. It means we love our children enough to educate ourselves with the best, most comprehensive tools available.

If it feels like you just don't have the time or money to invest in the support you need, just think about how much time and energy are being spent on stress, frustration, managing the chaos, and what the toll is on your and your daughter's physical and mental well-being.

Sounds like it's time for loosing the privilege of walking to school with her friends (way overdue in my opinion). If you can't drop her off and pick her up yourself, hire someone who will. Yes. you should not have to hire a sitter for a 14 year old, but apparently she is not responsible enough to make good decisions.
I bet she will be quite embarrassed and shape up fairly quickly.

Second you need your discipline to be immediate to have some effect. Don't let her disrespect you over and over again. One warning and that's it. No discussions, no arguments, no attitude.

Also consider enrolling her in some afternoon activities, at that age idle minds just come up with nothing good. Throw in some bad peers and you have the perfect storm.

Good luck!

I half to say, in opposition to most other comments, you should be taking a bit of a step back. Unless she is giving you a reason to think she is not at school (in that case I'm sure the school will let you know) or not at home, why do you need to check in at specific times? Is it just for your own comfort? I'm old enough to be a mom and young enough to have had a cell phone in high school, so I understand how you would want to use that convenience to know her whereabouts. You also need to start giving her space. If she is responsible enough to get herself to school, get herself home, do whatever chores are expected, etc. then why can't you just say "call me if you need me" and let it be? From about age 10 and on through high school I was a "latch-key" kid. Your daughter wants you to trust her! And unless you have reason not to do so, you should let her have the 10 or 20 minutes with her friends after school, she could probably just get the dog and walk him/her and talk at the same time. And let her call when she can to say she is home again. I say, just try it out. Maybe she is not the type that can handle you not being over her shoulder, but then what are you going to do when she's at college or out of your house? I wouldn't want to waste time arguing over minutes of time. Why stress over that?

Don't know if this is helpful, but like I said, my parents trusted me and I never really acted out like most teenagers by disobeying. I feel like you may be pushing her too much and she will rebel very quickly if this continues.

Don't they have cell phones/services that only allow the child to connect to parents phones?
She'll still have a phone, but she'll only be able to use it to contact you.
Privileges are constantly earned by good behavior.
Lack of good behavior means 'bye bye' privileges!
She's not too young to be thinking about her exit plan.
If she really wants out from under your control, she'd better get the best education she can and be prepared to enlist once she graduates.

There is a book called "Positive Discipline" by Jane Nelsen. I HIGHLY recommend it. She discusses how to deal with teens and their attitudes and get it to work in a way where there's not so much conflict/rebellion. She's a mom of seven, so she's actually experienced it herself besides her education professionally.