Daughter Doesn't Get Along with Her Brother - ADHD Related?

Sounds like something that's probably a pretty typical situation for ANY eleven yo girl and her three yo brother ...esp if she doesn't have to be around him all day, everyday. I have two boys...they can be pretty obnoxious at that age. His parents should help the situation however they can, but by the time you are eleven, you just have to learn to deal.

I spent TONS of time alone in my room in JR high and HS...and I didn't have a toddler/preschool sibling...but EVERYTHING annoyed me! It's a phase, for both. They will learn and grow and move on.

I have a 3.5 year old and he can be really annoying. Hitting, yelling, screaming, kicking are some of the annoying behaviors he can exhibit. I can, however, discipline him and I love him because he is my child and I have loved him since birth. I can just imagine how annoying he could be to others who don't really care to hang out with him LOL.

My DS has ADD and he gets annoyed by others more easily than my DD so maybe that's something she is dealing with?

I would send her with some headphones and have dad give her a place where she is able to be alone if she needs to.

Has NOTHING to do with ADHD.. Has to do with a 3 year old, acting like a 3 year old. It can be very irritating when a person is not used to that type of behavior. If your ex and his wife are not taking care of their sons behavior.. it could be frustrating to your daughter..

Also, I am going to guess, when your daughter is there, she is encouraged to play with her little brother, to keep him entertained. They really do not have much in common when playing. 1. She is way older than him, 2. he is a boy child and 3. she is there to spend time with her dad.. not always everyone else. If the whole time she is there they are mad at her for not wanting to spend all of her time with her baby brother, they need to rethink how to give her some alone time.. maybe at the start of the visit.. and again at the end.

And she may feel a bit guilty that she does not adore him all of the time. There is a lot of mixed feelings of not living up to everyone else's expectations of her.

I think adults forget that just because we have siblings, does not mean you have a built in playmate for the younger child.. And also not a built in babysitter. And not always a total adoration a parent has when a new baby is born.. We are all just human..

It can exacerbate an already difficult situation ... But it won't cause it.

It drives me NUTS when adults make ANY older kid have to be an adult / with adult expectations / & adult reactions... Just because they're "giants" compared to a toddler. Whether the kid is 5-10-15... They're still KIDS.

Heck... A lot of the time they expect MORE from kids than adults... Because parents don't expect an adult to be playing with their toddler 100% of the time... But they expect the older kid to be playing & nice 100% of the time.

Again... From a large (tightknit) family... Older kids are usually more than willing to dive in for short periods of time. As long as their needs are respected as much as the little one's are.

My family is about 1/4 ADHD. The ADHD kids get on with the rest as much -if not more- than the neurotypical kids. Respecting everyone's needs is pretty key, there. Older kids can babysit, but aren't nannies, and arent parents. Older kids can play with little kids, but that's not their "job" and they don't have to. EVERYONE has to be nice. If a toddler is causing problems its the toddler's fault or the parents fault (just like on the playground).

I don't think this is ADHD related either. If any young, young child is acting out like that, it would annoy ANY person, of any age.

My daughter, when she was that age, would sometimes have outbursts at home. It was annoying.

I agree with all the previous posters that this sounds pretty typical and normal for siblings. And your daughter so far sounds reasonable. If I were her, I might hide out in a room too. Now, there could be some resentment because dad has a new family and new baby and he lives with her and she has to commute. If that is happening, dad has to make an effort to spend time with his daughter on the weekends he has her. (Oops, I see he has alternating weeks. I hope they aren't using her to babysit him.) The GF needs to accept this. I don't know if she hates her brother. Only you'd know.

I have a 22-yr-old step son, 12-yr-old son, 8-yr-old daughter. My husband spends the whole Sat alone with my step son and I'm OK with it. They need their time alone. His son didn't grow up in our house (long story) and the time they spend together is crucial in helping the young man become the good person he is. Your husband needs to understand and appreciate the maturity differences of each child. 11 is still very young. She can handle some responsibility, but she needs to be spending time with dad first. Then maybe, she'd be more willing to tolerate little brother.

How to talk to her:

Ask her to describe her days there. Hour by hour, so you can get an idea of how it goes since you aren't there.

Ask her how she feels about the current flip flopping. (There have to be books out there on successful co-parenting. You and she and he are not the first to experience this.) Ask for her input. How does she see this working? What could be improved? Maybe read SANDCASTLES (that book on divorce) for tips on co-parenting.

Her getting in trouble because she is mean to him:
The primary problem is HIS behavior. She is reacting to it and the parents are reacting to her. Unfortunately, it will keep happening unless they get to the bottom of it. Why is he acting out? What sets him off? That is up to his parents to fix. If you can find a way to communicate that calmly to your Ex (and advocate for your daughter) that would help.

Where are the parents when he is annoying her?

Screaming, hitting, whining and being annoying. He may be doing some of those things, some of the time, but also, that just may be your daughter's version/interpretation of things.
My daughter is ADHD, and also not medicated, and she tends to exaggerate EVERYTHING. I get so tired of it, honestly. Little things, like if I am literally less than five minutes late picking her up from somewhere she's pissed and complaining about how I was SO late, and I am late ALL the time (not true, I promise!)
You need to talk to her about getting along at her dad's. I don't think there's anything wrong with her going to her room when she's had enough of little brother. Hell, my own kids do that here all the time! One of my daughters (not the ADHD one) is very easily annoyed and disturbed by the noise and chaos of the household so she spends a lot of time in her room. I think that's a healthy coping mechanism. Some people need peace and quiet, and it's good when they know how and where to find it.

I don't think it's her ADHD. 3 yr old boys are quite annoying. So are 11 year old girls. They happen to be at an age they are highly likely to get annoyed with each other. I know you can't really tell who is the real villain here.

There isn't a lot you can do at your house that will affect their house. Keep telling her she is expected to try to get along with her brother.

Do some roll playing in your mind. Let's say you have an older teenage son who lives part time with dad. He gets all the alone time he wants. Then he comes to your house with an annoying little sister 11. Wouldn't you just want him to go along to get along? Even if he has ADHD?

Loud classrooms effect their concentration for study work. She doesn't get a pass because someone annoys her. That's just the 11 yr old in her.
Staying in her room is a viable option. Or grow up and get a bit of tolerance and patience. And the 3 yr old will get better with time and disapline.

Sorry, I think this one is their row to hoe.

If you told the same story and left out the ADHD, it would still sound absolutely normal. An 11 year-old doesn't have unending patience and a 31/2 year-old that whines regularly tries anyone's patience. "He doesn't know any better" is not an excuse for his behavior at this age, but that's not something you have any control over.

I have an almost 11 year-old daughter (and a 3 year-old grandchild) and I would be working with her on some tactics to deal with this situation. You could role play some things to say and do, and how to nicely ask her dad for help, when her brother becomes annoying. I might also talk with her father about his expectations, and how much private time an 11 year-old might need. If he's asking you for help, I hope that he would be willing to discuss suggestions presented in a helpful way.

I would also not blame this on switching homes, as my daughter switches between her dad's and my house every 2 or 3 days and we've been doing that for 5 years with no real issues. She has two homes. It's simplified for us because she doesn't have any younger siblings (her's are 30 & 27).

Another reason, besides her brother, that she might prefer your house is that she is a girl. In my parenting experience, at different ages, kids prefer the same or the opposite gender parent. My daughter prefers being with me now, but I won't be surprised if that switches later into her teen years (as we experienced with her older half-siblings who came to live with us (their dad) full-time at 16 & 14.

The ADHD may be part of it, BUT for the adults in this situation to think that this is all on her is ridiculous.

Here are the ingredients other than the ADHD:
- flip flopping from 1 home to another. Everyone in this situation has a home but her. Yes, she has a home with each of you, but is that really the same? There is no consistency in her life. (When my parents divorced, we lived with mom during the week and visited with dad on the weekends - we had a home, and visited his.)
- multiple families, and daddy has a "new" one where she just visits. This would make any child feel very emotional, let alone a pubescent girl with ADHD
- Dad isn't willing to be responsible about his son. Yes, he's 3 and doesn't know better, but dad and his mom can start teaching him. Your daughter shouldn't blame the boy for being 3, but it's not her job to put up with him when he tantrums either.

Dad needs to understand that this isn't easy on her. Of course she should be respectful and not be mean to her 1/2 brother, but she didn't ask for this situation either.

I don't know if you can afford blended family counseling, but I think it would be a good idea.

No one likes a whiny 3 yr old. At 3 he should have had the displine to not whine. But different parents do things differently. I don't put up with it. So I can totally see her point.
But......

She is also old enough to understand that he is just a little one and often he doesn't have the self displine to not whine and if he gets what he wants when he whines, then he will whine. She needs to understand that yes he is little and she should let him have his way sometimes because toddlers are still in the ME stage. Toddlers only understand their wants and no one elses. Remember the toddler difinition of mine -- "If it's in my hand it's mine -- if it's in your hand it's mine --- if I want it it's mine --- if I don't want it it's mine --- if I see it it's mine .........."
Toddlers do not understand that other people get tired, hungry, hurt ect. Because they are still in their own little world where the sun shines just for them.

But as parents we start to teach them NO and that not everything is mine and sharing ect at about 3. If the 3 yr old's parents are not teaching him everyone is just going to be frustrated.

I suggest you try to talk it all out with her and see what is going on when he starts to whine. Is he hungry, tired ect? Write it all down and then have her dad come over to talk it out with both of you. You can't tell him what to do in his house but maybe if you can explain how upsetting this is for your daughter he may be able to make some changes so her time spent with him is happier.

It's normal bi was never a baby person and 2 year olds and three year olds are annoying, whiny, and hard to deal with. When mine is being obnoxious and annoying i send him to time out. She can't since she's not the parent. Instead she's removing herself from the situation. And as an eleven year old girl, I spent a lot of time in my room - and I didn't even have a preschooler running around.

A 3 1/2 year old should not be whining, screaming, and hitting everytimes your daughter sees him. Sounds like the boy has the problem, not your daughter.

I suggest that what is happening here is that your daughter feels that her father doesn't hear her and doesn't sympathize with her feelings. Actually listening and sympathizing while still having expectations/rules is difficult often times, to do.

Would he respond positively if you suggested that he spend time alone with his daughter to talk about how she feels and what she would like to have happen? She may have some ideas that would help. But if not, she'll at least feel heard if he will consider them.

I suggest that you and her father read How to Listen so Teens Will Talk and How to Talk so Teens Will Listen by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.

Even if he's not able to improve his way of talking with his daughter it will help if you use this skill in helping her feel heard and understood.

I think its everything. She is a tween and they are not the most fun to be around. Three is a poop age as well. I think three is worse than two to be honest.

I think you need more information. Is it that she is spending too much time in her room and dad and gf want her to be part of their family? Or is it that dad and gf want her to be the entertainment for the three year old? Once you find out her side, talk to your ex. I would be very careful to not say "your toddler is a monster child and ...". I would say "you daughter is feeling that she is the entertainment at your home". "She would like to visit with you and the family, but she needs her space as well". See if he is receptive to this. If not, visits to his house will be painful for your daughter.

nope not ADHD related. Even if it was, she should be expected to behave and put up with hit. Maybe if she interacted more with her brother they'd get along better.
Sounds like brother isn't getting the discipline he needs. She needs to learn to deal with it.
At 11 you also have puberty setting in. So it may be some of that.
If meds don't work I'd get a second opinion. It's likely not ADHD.

Sounds like her ADHD has some Sensory Processing issues going along with it (very common). Get the book The Out-of-Sync Child and use the checklists to evaluate her (she can help you since she is 11). Then once you both have a better understanding of her sensory issues you can strategize some coping techniques for her/with her.

I suggest that you try EFT. Emotional FReedom TEchniques or tapping. EFT can often get at the issues underlying someone like your daughter's aggression. I have worked with a number of children who are dealing with aggression, trauma, difficulty adjusting, and getting in trouble even though they know better but can't help it. My name is K. solomon and I'm an EFT prctitioner. I just happened to read this particular set of notes beacuse of the Mamademia article on loss. If you want to ask me more about EFT, or tapping, please get in touch at ____@____.com. I will then send you my phone number os you can call. Also, I'm certified in this tapping work and under contract by wellknown publisher to write a book on EFT for Beginners.

My 12 year old has ADHD and ODD, and it can be extremely difficult for her to get along with her sisters. She has very little patience for them and can turn nearly everything into a competition. I've never seen sibling rivalry like this but I've been told by a few ADHD specialists that it's normal in girls that have ADHD. It's most noticeable on days when she doesn't take her ADHD medication.

I have a 14 year old and a 6 year old. They do not always get along. I think it's more that they are in different ages and stages than an ADHD thing. We just keep telling the older that the little guy doesn't know better and he's in charge of "teaching" some things to the little one. That seems to passify both for awhile.