Daughter Doesn't Want Me to Pick Her up from Daycare.

You mentioned having some "changes". Are there some kind of stressful circumstances? Even if you don't think so, any kind of change in routine can be upsetting to young kids. She may just be having a little trouble adjusting to change.

2 thoughts :)

1. At that age I wanted my dad to do everything for me, and I mean everything!

2. I remember from psych class that 4 is about the age kinds really bond with the opposite sex parent

It'll get better! I also have always had a great relationship with my mom!

Hi Marie,

I have been a childcare provider for the past 20+ years. Almost EVERY child will go through this. I tell parents at the onset of care "there will be times when your child will scream at the top of their lungs when you leave, when you come to pick them up, when another parent comes to pick them up, when a grandparent comes to pick them up..." It happens to almost everyone at some point or another. I would venture to guess that eventually she will cry when her father comes to pick her up. Children are such creatures of habit and any little variance in their routine throws them off.

It would be helpful if you told the provider that you will be coming and to remind your child of that throughout the day so that when you do arrive, she is expecting you. If indeed, your providers are looking at you and thinking "Wow she really doesn't like you" then they don't have much experience with children.

This phase will pass...try not to take it personally.

Best of luck,
C.

Wow, I can totally relate, my two year old daughter does the same thing when I pick her up. Last week, after a very long, hard day at work she took one look at me and yelled "Go Away!". Not exactly what you want to hear from your baby! And then the whole way home she cries for Daddy! But once we are home she is back to my little angel... So I try not to let it get to me. Just wanted you to know that you are not alone and that I have no doubt that this is just a phase and that your daughter adores you :-) Happy holidays.

I'm curious if this coincided with the new baby? So many 'new things' and changes in a routine can be over-whelming even for more adaptable kids, so don't take it personally! My strong-willed 6yo likes to stick to such a routine also, unless I make it seem like a special treat where I arranged to pick her up for a 'while' to do 'mom-and-daughter' stuff like go home and cook or do an art project. BTW, do you have experience to speak to my last question too? Talking about changes. Best wishes and happy holidays!

she probably just likes that he does it. it is what she is used to. my son is not quite 2 he is very particular about what parent does what. if my husband tries to do something that is a "mommy" thing my son gets upset then immediately does what is asked if i step in. same with daddy things he gets upset if daddy is working late and not around for the usual routine. I am sure she will get over it. just keep telling her that you will be there everyday and eventually she will accept it. i know it breaks your heart when they don't "want" you. my son was screaming and reaching out for a family friend(whom he has only met 3 times over 2 years) as she left the other day screaming "mommy" at her as she walked away even though i was holding him. good luck

I know you will get lots of help and ressuring stories from others. This too shall pass. The thing that bothers me is the daycare. Shame on them for making youy feel bad and judged. Their job is to make your daughters "stay" there a positive one. Ask them for help in this transition time. If they won't help...perhaps it isn't the best place for her to be!

I just had to smile...I have a 4yo lil girl who is daddy's princess. Your request looks like I could have written it! LOL! Nice to know I'm not the only one!

aww, I am sorry that you feel slighted and have hurt feelings, most mothers would. Don't take it personally, especially if daddy has always picked her up. Kids don't like change and who knows why she is acting like this, but I can assure you that it isn't because she doesn't love you as much as her daddy. It could be as simple as she feels special since daddy picks her up and everyone elses mommy picks them up to she likes the music or the talking to daddy on the way home. It could be some child said something about her being lucky to have daddy pick her up. Just say "such a daddy's girl" when she does this and the day care people look (although as a day care provider for years when my kids were younger I can tell you that they do understand that when a child does that it isn't a reflection on how they feel about their mother). When you get her home sit her down and talk with her about hurting feelings. Remind her that she has to think before acting out like that because it isn't ok to hurt your feelings. Ask her how she would feel if the shoe was on the other foot. If you acted more excited to see her sister then to see her. Remind her that you love both of them and that you know that she loves both you and daddy and it is important to think of other's feelings. She is a smart girl and plenty old enough to understand.

Like the others have said...this is very typical...and not just for 4 year olds. I have seen this from the side of the preschool teacher trying to help a parent take their child home and as a parent trying to pick my own child up at daycare. When there is a change in routine a child often asks for the person who normally picks them up. It may take awhile before your daughter sees it as routine for you to pick her up. My son often resists when it is time to leave daycare...part of that is because he's having so much fun there and has a hard time transitioning. It is hard to deal with but just keep reminding yourself that it means your child loves daycare and she is just struggling with a change in routine. It will get better :)

How about bringing along a favorite book for only her ride home? Or a favorite lovey? Maybe a certain doll or item that is only for the car? I used to sing goofy songs to my daughter during the car ride home. That was fun and she sang along. A child's CD that she likes in the car? And I agree with all the others -- this will pass and everybody who has children or works with children knows about this phase!

It most likely has to do with her having some control over things. I can remember kids going through this when I taught preschool many years ago. Maybe you could try giving her a little control over how you pick her up, say for intstance, you tell her I am going to pick you up from daycare today, do you want me to get your coat, boots and other things first before we hug and say hi or do you want me to say hi first. Sounds funny, but little things like that work with kids. You just have to find what works. I would avoid telling her it hurts your feelings or anything like that because then she is going to have control over the very thing you do not want. Don't be hurt though, it really is normal.

I'm sure the people at daycare don't think anything of it. My daughter is kind of a mama's girl, but if I had to pick her up from day care she would cry and demand daddy. They get very attached to routine. I would say keep doing what your are doing and make sure she knows ahead of time when you are going to pick her up.

Good luck!

Very typical reaction from a 4 year old. Daddy must make this a very special time for her when he picks her up. I would talk to your husband and see if this is the case, if not, it is just a typical reaction of a 4 year old to a change in their daily routine. She will be okay with it after a while. Also at this age most daughters are daddy's little girls don't worry about it. Make you can make it a special little time between you and your daughter, like occassionally take her for ice cream or something like you two like to do together. She may also do the don't leave me tantrum if you leave her with a babysitter at night, also very typical at this age. Don't worry and yes it does hurt but it won't last forever and so long as she knows that you love her than things will change to a mommy's girl pretty soon then you will long for the daddy's girl phase.

I am taking a different approach than most of the other posters. I think you need to disergard the crying and matter of factly tell her dad couldn't come, so I came today. Do not address her crying, that behavior then doesn't get the validation. Once you have explained it, don't go back, get her ready to leave as if everything is ok. All of my kids daddy's boys and girl. When I get the off hand comments, I move on, they don't mean half of what they say or do, just looking for reaction.

Very normal. Make sure you let her know what is happening each day or call and let the daycare know, so she knows what to expect. I have to give my son the lowdown on how his day is going to play out, or he will have a hard time with any changes.

I am going through the same type of stuff with my son, who is 3.5, and very much a "daddy's boy." She probably just doesn't like the change in routine. She is just used to her daddy picking her up. I have found that when they get used to a certain parent picking them up, or putting them to bed, or whatever, they just like the routine of it, and don't like anything different. Just tell her before she goes in the morning, "Remember, MOM is picking you up today, not Dad." And maybe her daycare provider can do the same. She'll get used to the idea. Don't take it personally. I'm trying not to, also. But I know it's hard! You're the mom and you want to be loved and adored and appreciated by your child! Mine is getting better. My husband helps. Good luck!