Daughter Forgets Her Instrument.

You will teach her to be more irresponsible as she gets older if you keep bailing her out. I think mornings are to hectic to get school bags ready so have her do it at night. Make it part of her bedtime routine along with brushing teeth, etc.

Let them get their things together the night before school before they take their bath. The mornings are just too busy to pack and go. When they forget something, it is just forgotten and they need to suffer the consequences. This way they may stand a better chance of remembering.

Stop being their built in safety net in this area.

I'm a fifth grade teacher and I have to tell you honestly... I don't think you should keep bringing her things she forgets. When it happens on occasion, that's one thing, but if she's consistently forgetting things, and you're consistently bringing them in for her, then you're reinforcing for her that you'll be her backup plan. Once she realizes that she has to face the consequences of forgetting her supplies, she might just start to be more vigilant about remembering.

In the beginning of the year, when they're getting back into the routine, I let kids call home to get their instrument/homework/project. By mid-year, they don't get to. Most kids start to realize that mommy and daddy won't be able to 'save' them and they start to take responsibility.

Oh, I hear ya! At the middle school my daughter attends, they actually forbid parents to bring forgotten items, even lunch! Sigh... it's hard when you are a stay at home mom, because you feel like it's your job to make sure that they have what they need. But they have to learn so they will not go off to college and have you bringing their stuff :-).

As a teacher, I never let students call home and ask their parents to bring things in. It was the students' responsibility and they just don't get a check on their homework chart, can't go on the field trip or can't do the activity. If it is a continuous problem, I start a behavior chart and reminders. Since you already have a checklist, which is a great idea, I suggest allowing 5 minutes before you leave and check the list together until your daughter gets used to it. This will help both of you! You won't feel frazzled or guilty and she will feel responsible and mature. Praise her in whatever way she likes best when she remembers everything. If "forgetting" is her attempt to get your attention, try to spend a little one-on-one time with her each day when she gets home.

i did not bring to school anything i do feel bad but maybe she will learn and next time she will have everything ready the night before,also can she leave it at the car in the night before

Actually at my son's schoool, they have instituted a policy that the school office will NOT accept forgotten homework or band instruments, etc. if a parent brings it. The only thing they will accept is a forgotten lunch because they want everyone to have their lunch to eat. They started it to encourage kids to be more responsible for their own things and it does seem to work.

That said, we have been fighting the 'forget bug' for a few years now and all you can do is be as organized as you can - checklists and calendars are good- and give reminders- but if she forgets something, don't make yourself crazy over it!

The other thing that really helped us is totally simple- but it really worked even when nothing else seemed to. My son sets his own alarm, in HIS room, for 20 minutes earlier than I used to wake him up! (this was his own idea!)
Weird as it sounds, he LIKES getting up before we do! He gets up, lets the dogs out and feeds them and then just has some time to himself. He eats some cereal or plays with the dogs, or reads...nothing big, but he has told me he doesn't need me to get up earlier or sit with him, or even to make his breakfast!

Sometimes I get up and make him a waffle or something, but usually I get up, just say good morning and then go into the bathroom to start getting ready. We all meet up at the kitchen table and have about 10 or 15 minutes together for me to sign off on his homework folder, make his lunch, etc. - and then he packs up and goes!

I don't know if this would work for everyone- but for my son, those 10 or 15 minutes of 'alone' time in the morning just seem to set him up for the day. No more grouchiness, late starts, lost stuff, etc. You can try it- good luck!

I was a PTA President at 2 schools. I was amazed at the moms that were always running in with their children's forgotten "stuff"..
I once witnessed a 7 year old screaming and yelling at the top of her lungs at her mom, telling the mom "this is YOUR fault! You should have made sure I had my homework!" The mom was apologizing and saying it would not happen again! I later spoke with that mom and reminded her it was her daughters "job" to keep up with all of her own school work. The mom acted like she had never even considered this..

We really tried to encourage these parents not to be "Helicopter Parents". These are parents that hover around their children trying to save them from their own mistakes and choices. Their children feel free to call and have their parents save them instead of learning to take on their own responsibilities..

I agree that natural consequences are best.. Forgot her home work, oh well so sad too bad.. Turn it in late the next day. Forgot her instrument? Oh well, guess she will not be practicing in her class. Forgot her lunch? Hope she has money with her. At many schools there is a fund the students can borrow funds or a free lunch (PB sandwich with milk and apple) in some schools.

We have to allow our kids to fail, forget and then let them problem solve and take on the responsibilities.. This is the safe time to do this.

You are busy with your own work at home and with the care of your other child.
I am sending you strength.

I completely agree with momof4. She needs to have everything (except her lunch) in her book bag before she goes to bed. Don't feel guilty for not bringing it to her, she needs to learn responsibility.

How old is she? I never got into this habit. I believe in teaching kids that this is THEIR responsibility. My daughter started "forgetting" to bring things to school like her lunch, a project, or dawdling and missing the bus when she was probably in fourth grade. We got over this quick when I started charging her $3 to drive her or her stuff to school.
Don't fall into the helicopter parent trap. You shouldn't feel guilty about not making a trip to take her the instrument. Make her responsible for her own things. How many other kids in music class had their parent suddenly drive the instrument to school? Probably none. She should take a lesson in that, and you should notice it as well. If your daughter is very forgetful and if you normally drive her to school or the bus, train her to put all of her stuff into the car the night before. No tv or whatever she likes til the bookbag, instrument, whatever, are in the car

She forgets it becasue she knows you'll bring it. She needs to learn some responsibility. She need to get her things for school together the night before. There is no reason she should be running around in the morning collecting her homework and instrument before school- she should have it all ready the night before.

Hi C.
First don't feel guilty about not bringing her instrument to her.
Are you raising her to be a responsible adult? Then you have to start sometime. Might as well be now.
All kids forget stuff, but that helps them remember next time because of the consequence of forgetting. With the boys I would say "write yourself a note and put it on your bookbag so you remember your_________ tomorrow" Bookbags were together the night before.
Remember when you were in school, and you got an answer on the test wrong, you remembered it when it came up again, right? consequence!
Sympathize with their consequence but don't agonize over your decision.
God bless you
SAHM of 4 adult children, grandmother of 2

I am taking a parenting class and we talked about this issue. The instructor mentioned "natural consequences" discipline. If she forgets the instrument, then let her suffer the consequences, i.e., a reprimand from the teacher, or the embarrassment in front of the class. I know it's hard for a parent to sit by and watch their child suffer the consequences, but if she has to face them a few times, she probably will keep better track of her stuff....
You are a busy Mom. You shouldn't have to drop everything when your daughter forgets her stuff. She'll learn...

I do agree with all the other mamas who say that she continues to forget it because she knows that you will bring it. A little tough love goes a long way.

You could also give her some kind of reminder system, like a picture of her instrument and schoolwork on the front door, or tacked to her backpack. Doing both of these things should help put a stop to the forgetfulness and extra trips.

dont bring it tough love its a leswson learned if you worked outside house thy would be outy of luck they will learn my are 15 and 18 they left stuff hme they get over it

This is going to sound mean . . . I make my kids pay me to drive something to school for them. I know that sounds terrible, but it worked for us. As a mom of 6, they could keep me going back and forth a million times a day! I work at home and we are only 2 blocks from school, but the kids just assumed that since it wasn't far and I am home, it was fine to just call me at the drop of a hat. The final straw broke when one of the kids called me to find an assignment in their room - I spent 30 minutes looking for it, only to get a phone call later saying "Oh, I guess I had it with me the whole time!"

Each child gets 3 "free" forgets. After that, they can call me to bring it for $5 dollars or suffer whatever consequence the school has for forgetting whatever it is. I also check on-line everyday to see what homework has/hasn't been turned in on time and if they brought their instrument for their lessons. If they decided not to call me because they didn't want to spend the money, and they missed a lesson or an assignment because they forgot, no friends and no computer for 5 days.

While this sounds really harsh, I also have methods to help them remember all of their stuff. I have a huge dry erase board in the entry way with the daily reminders and the schedule for the day listed.

With a family this size, all my kids have to take some level of responsibility depending on their age and ability and there are consequences for this. It does work, though, this year, one one kid has used up their "free" calls and no one has paid a dime :)

Good luck!

I agree with everyones answers. Dont' feel guilthy, your daughter is not a baby. I like the idea of a checklist for things needed for school and making sure they are all in place and ready to go the night before. As a full time working mom, I might have to implement that myself - LOL! I need a checklist of how to leave the house and one for what I need to bring with me and my toddler son. Redirect your daughter, let her know that she's ususally good about bringing things, but its becoming more frequent that she is not and that maybe you both have been to busy and not paying attention then tell her that you will work with her to devise a plan that she can follow to avoid this from happening again. Use it as a learning experience and work with her to find a solution to avoid this problem together and that should teach her that you can't just drop everything and run when she wants you too and it gives you the control to not feel guilthy when you don't.

This is a great lesson in responsibility. It is not your job to deliver your child's instrument or homework when she forgets it. It will be upsetting to her when she forgets, but perhaps she will begin to feel enough pressure to make her want to take on the responsibility herself. I am a band teacher, and I have a girl this year who never remembers her instrument. I have called her mother, who seems to have given up. This mother doesn't deliver the instrument, which is fine, but I do have to penalize the student for not being prepared. The bottom line is that I cannot teach her if she does not have her things. I know many teachers do not allow students to call to have parents deliver. By the time a student takes an instrument, they should be old enough to be responsible to bring their supplies.

Sometimes natural consequences teach the best lessons. My son has forgotten to bring homework home to do several times this year. Sometimes we're able to manage to call a friend, but other times there is nothing I can do. I make him do it the next day with his regular homework--double homework is no fun. Neither is his having to fess up to his teacher why he doesn't have his homework to turn in. It's not the end of the world if he misses his homework for a day, but I figure he'll learn how to avoid that by being more responsible.

Likewise, it's really not the end of the world if she doesn't have her instrument for a day, but it will help her to learn to be responsible.

Hi C.,

Please above all else do not feel guilty for not dropping everything and running to your daughters school just because she forgot her instrument..I do have a question of course..How old is your daughter.. This is not your instrument..and I believe that you should not run when she calls..she needs to learn to be responsible for her and her own instrument. Mom's need to feel less guilty, and it sounds like you may be taken for granted....

Haven't read all the responses, but I think I'm part of the majority of Moms here who told you that it's HER responsibility to take HER things to school. My daughter is 10 and I believe I have only brought things to school for her twice in all these years. I've told her that if she forgets homework, etc., she'll suffer the consequences. She is pretty responsible - bringing in projects a day or so ahead of time, etc.

When I was growing up, I walked to school with 2 other girls who are still my best friends (43 years later). Two of us were always on time and never ran home to get forgotten items. The third of us was always late and had to run home many times (often after her mother yelled out the front door after her to tell her she had forgotten something). Funny thing, all these years later, this friend always seems to be late to events and always seems to forget/lose things. I think it's because it always seemed like her mother's "job" to help her remember things.

Do you want a self-sufficient child/adult or one who looks to you to bail her out? Good luck!

I didn't read the other anwers so forgive me if I repeat anything someone else has said. How old is she? Does she need a reminder every morning before she leaves? Maybe a big sign by the front door? And does she like music class? I was in band from 4th grade to 12th grade and I don't think I ever forgot my instrument and it was because I loved the class. If I forgot my instrument then I couldn't play. Don't feel guilty for not bringing it to her. Depending on her age she should be responsible enough to remember it on her own.

I haven't read all the responses- but DO NOT FEEL GUILTY! I am a teacher and it is such a disruption of the school day and of the secretaries time when a child forgets something. Many of my colleagues and I feel that by running up with a forgotten item a parent is not instilling a sense of responsibilty in out child. My daughter knows that I work and I can't leave to bring forgotten items and she's learning to be more responsible. As moms we feel guilty when we can't help our chilfren. But the best thing you can do for her is help her gain responsibility. Good luck!

Something that has been supremely useful for me is 'logical consequences.' I explain what they need to do and the logical consequence if they don't do it. Then they get to see what happens. If I don't show up at work, I get fired. If I don't pay my taxes the IRS comes after me. It's just life. Starting to experience little pains is a gift to our children - pain is a reality. They need to learn to avoid certain kinds and to realize that they can survive, learn from and even thrive because of/in spite of certain pain.

So, don't feel guilty - it's pay now or pay later.

Good job on the chore chart.

e

Don't feel guilty. I have been there too. And we live a LONG way from school, so it is a BIG DEAL to have to make a trip to bring something to school. My 6th grade son doesn't always grasp that.

Natural consequences will probably help her avoid forgetting it again. Perhaps you could suggest that she put her instrument in the car the night before (after she has done her practicing at home), so that it's one less thing for her to remember in the morning. (Just make sure that she remembers to get it out of the car at school, lol).

When it is a homework assignment that will adversely affect their grade if they don't have it, or something... I will usually try to bring it. Or a forgotten lunchbox, etc. But I really have found that it is more of a problem with one child than the other. They are just wired differently, and one cannot remember a bunch of little things in the morning. Not a detail person to start with, it is worse because he is not a morning person, either. Be aware of your child's strengths (and weaknesses), and guide her toward a method of remembering her things. What works for one may not work for another. For the music maker, I would suggest putting it in the car when she is done with it, rather than on the floor or in her room, etc. My son who is always misplacing schoolwork, will often leave his books/backpack in the car when we get home. Especially if there is no homework assigned that night. That way he doesn't have to remember it in the morning.
hth

You said they have a chore chart why not a "stuff" chart Put the instrument on that stuff chart. Also being a SAHM often makes our kids (and my hubby) think that I can or should do everything. If my daughter forgets her lunch 1X OK Off I go to bring it to her (buying lunch is not an option school has no lunch program). If she forgets it again then going hungry 1 lunch will not hurt her!!! I am a SAHM but I have stuff to do too! Being chief cook and bottle washer is full time job.. Add in 2 at home kids, a dog, a house, laundry, etc. (you get the point) does not leave time to "fix" a problem that could have been avoided with 3 seconds of planning on my childs part. She will learn theirare consequences to not doing what they are suppose to do. I am not being mean just practical. Also why waste thegas!LOL I am more than happy to run to school if she is hurt, sick, upset, fell in the mud puddle (yes it happened) and needs cloths butwhen it is her carelessness I most often (not always) hope she will learn from her mistake!! DON'T FEEL GUILTY!!! SHE NEEDS TO LEARN TO BE RESPONSIBLE TOO! YOU WON'T ALWAYS BE AVAILABLE TO FIX EVERYTHING FOR HER!!!

When my girls (3) were in school I was a full-time working Mom. We always made sure their backpack was ready and their school clothes laid out the night before. That way I could get them up, dressed, and take them to my friend who was their daycare provider and get me to work by 6am. Most evenings we would put their stuff in the car before they went to bed.

If your daughter is consistently forgeting her instrument you might want to spend some time and investigate why she keeps forgetting it. It could be that she no longer enjoys playing this instrument, if that is the case I would tell her that she made a commitment and needs to finish out this school year, then she can switch or quit completely. At the same time keep in mind that if she no longer likes this instrument you will prob need to keep track of the days she needs it and remind her just before she leaves for school.