Daughter Has a Boyfriend

I don't think you are over reacting at all....especially at that age.I knew girls in grade school that were doing things with thier bfs that they shouldn't have been doing and thier parents never knew...I can just imagine what kids are into nowadays. i remember when my niece was about that age and she was learning about different stds in school. I felt so lucky when she was telling me about it and how scary she thought it was (it meant that she would be too scared to do anything).

Dear Salena,
Really the question seems to me is are you over reacting? And I think yes and no. I have to assume because of your daughters age that the "boyfriend" is in her same grade and same age group, give or take six months. I remember when I was 5 and started kindergarten, I made friends with a boy who became my best friend throughout our entire elementary school career. The other kids teased us with songs ..."sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g"..., my sisters and mom would tease me when I asked to play at his house or have him play at ours, they would say things like, "oh, your little boyfriend is coming over to play?" and it infuriated me! "He is my friend!" I would say to them with a huff. At age 10, I wouldnt be very concerned. They are not "dating" if their "relationship" consists of seeing eachother at school, eating together in the lunch room or meeting at extra school activities. They are friends. They are too young to know what it means to have a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship as we percieve it as adults. Since they go to school together you cant forbid them from seeing one another. Why not accept the boy as your daughters friend? Let her know that the term "boyfriend" is for adults and is not acceptable for a girl her age and suggest calling him her "friend boy" insted. Invite him to do things with your family as you would a friend girl of hers... go to Mc Donalds or to a movie. Get to know him. He may prove to be a nice boy who your daughter will continue a friendship well into high school, and by then you will be happy that you have gotten to know and trust him. It seems to me what your really angry about is that your daughter lied to you. When someone lies about somthing it's usually because they fear that their actions may have been wrong or shameful and they want to protect themselves and the people they love. Your daughter knows how you feel and what your rules are about dating, how could she tell you about friend boy? It must have tormented her. She is at that age though when kids start to not tell their parents every single detail of their little lives. Get used to it, it only gets worse as they get older. No matter how much we as parents try and instill proper values such as telling the truth, our kids are human, and lieing is a human instinct as I said, to protect ourselves and our loved ones. Your daughter is not a bad kid for lieing to you, and I wouldnt worry that she is becoming a compulsive liar or is now going to begin hiding things from you, but it is a sad fact that as our kids get older, they lie to us more and more. (I question EVERYTHING my teens tell me is fact!) She's growing up and although lieing to you isnt mature behavior, it is proof that she is maturing. You cant keep her from lieing to you in the future, but what you can do is show her that you are willing to be accepting of her changing needs by inviting "friend boy" to spend time with your family. Treat him like any other of your daughters playmates. Your daughter may be less inclined to lie to you if she feels you will be accepting or at least partially accepting of what ever it is she is ashamed to be honest about. C. M.

S.,
To ask if you are overreacting is to make judgement on your feelings. This is your first time through with this subject but not your last time :). I have a soon to be 16-year old so I've swan these waters! These tips will apply to many situations you will face with a preteen and teenager:

1. Try not to jump ahead to the scariest scenario you can think of (in this case, she is going to be having sex). Or jump ahead to worrying about her whole life being ruined. Kids have the enviable ability to be "in the moment". Something that is attractive to them today (like this boy) will wear off in a week or so.

2. Please don't miss this opportunity to develop an open door policy with your daughter. It could very well be that she didn't tell you or lied to you because she feared how you would react or she feared disappointing you. If she can't tell you about an innocent "boyfriend" at 10, there are MUCH scarier things she won't tell you about when she is 15. Sometimes you have to bite your tongue so they don't think they will get a lecture (and by "lecture", this age group means any sharing you do of you opinion regardless of the amount of time it takes :) ).

THE QUESTION IS NOT IF WE CAN TRUST OUR KIDS, IT IS IF OUR KIDS CAN TRUST US. Ask yourself if your daughter can trust your reaction enough to tell you anything. If the answer is no, please go to your daughter and apologize. Tell her that you want her to be able to trust you with what is happening in her life - NOT because you want to tell her HOW to manage it but you want to celebrate or commiserate with her and, if she wants feedback, you'd like to share with her. Tell her you may have reacted negatively because you want what is best for her but that you know she is a smart, wonderful kid with a good heart and you know she wants to make good choices.

3. Allow your child to "try things on" within your watchful and cautious boundaries. Even though she has a "boyfriend", at this age they can't be together or go anywhere without a parent's permission and chaperoning. Sometimes this means that you have to hang out with them and listen to all the gusy gush - believe me, I've been there. Your "support" doesn't mean that you have to like everything or comment on everything. It just means that you are allowing your child to make some of her own choices while still under your protective wings.

We want our kids to learn lessons and feel consequences when the stakes are small instead of when they are teenagers/young adults and the stakes are much higher. I recommend BARBARA COLOROSA's teachings on this matter.

S., you are going into a emotion charged time with a preteen/teenager. Your daughter needs you as a ally -not a "friend", she still wants you to be in charge. It can be SO fun and build a life long bond between the two of you. Good luck and enjoy it!

T.

Could it be that your daughter is trying to be "just like mommy".... i.e. having a boyfriend? You are clearly telling your little one that she can not have a boyfriend, when you can have one (and a live in one at that)? - yes, I know and understand that you are the parent in this situation, but children tend to grow up and model the behaviors that they see at home, no matter what the behavior (i.e. being a couch potato, a love of reading, etc.).

You say you just moved in together.... is this when the behaviour started? You may want to think about when this all started to find the solution.

You also say "We" have always said that she is not allowed..." Who is the "we"? You and your boyfriend? She may feel that she does not need to listen to him becuase he is not her father.

....Just a few things to think about.

S.-
I believe you are NOT over reacting. She is far too young to have a boyfriend. It would set a bad precedent to not only allow her to have a BF which you said was inappropriate, and not punish her for lying. I agree with the other Mom, that you should explain why she may not have a boyfriend, and punish her for her dishonesty. You could always let her know that it is ok for her to be friends with boys but she cannot be unsupervised with them, due to her dishonesty. I wish you the best of luck.
N.

Wow after reading Cindy M's response she sounds as if she has alot of wisdome and I agree with her!

You have to becareful these days with kids they are doing things younger and younger BUT... when you say you have a boyfriend at age ten it USUALLY means you think the boy is cute, he thinks your cute you MAYBE hold hands innocent if ask me. Although SOME kids are doing more and more these days at earlier ages it all rests in what you've taught your kids. My daughter is in kindergarten and thinks boys have cooties and if she came home and told me she had a boyfriend I would honestly think it's cute and funny but that's me. I was kissing boys in kindergarten and always had boyfriends and such throughout grade school and middle school and onto highschool. I've been boy crazy since I was about 6 yrs.old. I never ended up a being a pregnant teen, I never ran away from home and as a adult I'm not sexually permiscuous. It's all about what you teach the kids and what morals and values they take.

S.,

My only comment would be to caution you not automatically apply the adult definition of "boyfriend" to this situation. Maybe it's a purely innocent expression of affection toward this boy by your daughter. It may be something more "grown up" but give her the chance clue you in on her interpretation of the relationship.

S.,

My son just turned 11 years old. When he started 5th grade this year, I explained to him how important his school work would be this year because it is preparing him for Middle school. I told him that girls must wait. Low and behold, he came home the first week with litterally 20 notes from 1 girl.

The notes read anything from: Can I sit with you at lunch to can I have a kiss after school.

My husband and I thought this was a perfect time to have the (as we call it) "The You talk, we listen" conversation. This is where we will ask an open questions such as "What does it mean to have a girl friend" and he talks to us about it. During this conversations, my husband and I are not allowed to get upset or reprimand for anything said during this conversation, because it is informative.

The response we receieved from him was

"mom, dad shes a girl, shes my friend and she likes me because I am strong. I tell her I love her, because I do, I wouldnt' want anything in the world to happen to her and I would protect her no matter what. I am not going to kiss her and Ill only give her a hug when she is ready. Other than that, you do not have to worry about anything Im only 10 sheesh"

Since we implimented this "conversation time" my children have been more open and honest about thier potential relationships, their friends and the things they do. In my eyes, you just have to have an open mind. We are here to help our children make well rounded informative choices that better themselves. And opportunities like this are perfect to see if they know how to use them. Keep her talking....She will thank you for it.

I know how you feel. My daughter had a boyfriend when she was only 5 years old! Thankfully the boy lived in another city, but still.... That's all she talked about, her boyfriend. They were boyfriend/girlfriend for 5 years and talked about marriage! I told her no holding hands, no hugging, no contact what so ever. As she grew older, she realized that she didn't "love" him, as she previously said. They are no longer together, but she is more aware now that I talk to her. The more information I give her about boys, what they REALLY want, what they REALLY like, etc., she is making better choices. She is now 12 and really understands more about what it means to be in a relationship. No fully, like we do, but more than at age 5. So I would say it is a "phase", but to keep talking to her and helping her make the right choices for her. Keep bounderies, such as no sleepovers w/boys, no kissing, etc. She may no like the rules at this time, but as she gets older, she will begin to understand more and why you made the rules.
Good luck!
M.

Hi S.,
First, you're not overreacting if indeed this is a boyfriend. But, I must say to make sure it is truly a "boyfriend." Some kids say that and it's completely nothing but fantasy, ya know? But good for you for being proactive. You can never be too careful with your kiddos. Good LUck!

Yes your're over re-acting.....Kids say this all the time...
At this age they will have 5-20 boyfriends a year. Boyfriend,
where do they go together? Unless you let your daughter run the streets at a very young age. Maybe talk on the phone...well you can put the gobbosh on that one real quick. And if the boy calls when your not home...call his parents tell them you would appreciate it if he didn't call the house.
So don't fret....if you are bringing your daughter up right, it's just a phase or a thing they say..."So and so goes out with whoever".
Don't worry!

NO you are NOT over reacting. a 10 year old is too young to be "dating" Society has made it ok for kids younger and younger to "get together".

You may want to sit down with her and explain the reasons why it is not ok to have a BF at her age and that you have that rule for a reason. Also, a punishment for lying would be appropriate.

I hope that this issue is something that can get resolved!
J.

yes and no because the fact that she lied to you. yes kind of because having a boyfriend is not always bad. you should probably talk to her about boys and be more open with her so that she knows she can trust u about certain things and not getting mad about it

I would agree that 10 is to young to have a boyfriend but like the other ladies said kids at that age say that all the time. My 6 year old came home the other day and said one of the kids in his class has a girlfriend. I explained to him that his classmate did not have a girlfriend but a friend who happens to be a girl. He understood.

I wouldn't make a huge production of it but I would let her know that she is not allowed to go to any events that are not supervised by an adult or yourself. Has she and this boy gone "out" on dates without your knowledge? If so, you need to have a discussion with her and reinforce your rules. You are the parent and she may not like what she hears but in the long run she will respect you and your rules you adhear to in your household.

I bet in a few days or weeks he will be "icky" and she will have moved on to the boys are "gross" stage. Kids at that age are forming their friendships that may last a lifetime and he may end up being her best friend all throughout school and not her boyfriend.

She is of the age where you can sit down and have a heart to heart with her and voice your concerns. I bet if you do that she will listen and she may even let you know that he is just a friend.

Hang in there. If you nip it in the bud right away, I think your worries will subside.

S.