Daughter Is a Procrastinator

I suspect part of the problem is that she is the baby and she feels expectations to excel because of her 2 older sisters. I also think it is her age. I was like that too, and I am now a dentist and had no problems in college/grad school. It helped me to be a tutor to others, because it challenged me to think outside my comfort zone. Maybe get her involved with Sylvan or her school mentor program.

I was the same way. What I really wanted was something to fill my day. I didn't "need" friends, I didn't watch TV. I read books, did homework, practiced, and worked ahead for school. I "never" finished my homework before I went to bed. I was always available if friends called from school needing homework help, but gossip and girl talk never enticed me.

There was also something methodical about the way I went about my chores, eating, or getting to school. Not obsessively methodical, just a tempo. I ate slowly because I could. I wrote slowly because I could. I was evaluating the nutritional content of my food. I was weighing the benefits of how my food was layering in my stomach, and imagining the chemical breakdown of each bite. I was looking at each letter as a historic symbol, and each word as some amazing representation of language.

Sometimes the bright ones have so much going on up there, the only way to let it manifest is slowly.

I think I could have written your request! The only difference is that my daughter is 12. She isn't in the gifted/talented program, I've never had her tested. My oldest daughter was in the GT Program in my town and I wasn't thrilled with it. She ended up being more bored with the GT program than with school, but she had a fantastic teacher who gave her papers to grade and extra assignments that she knew would interest her. She had her tutor a boy in reading. And they became great friends. I absolutely loved that teacher!

Anyway, back to my 12 year-old. I can tell her to take the garbage out and ask her to repeat what I said, she repeats it to me, but then 20 minutes later hasn't done what I asked. The best thing that works for me with her is to give her a chore chart, I found one to buy at Walmart and our local IGA store has them too. When they complete each chore they can either initial the square for that chore, or put a small round sticker on it. The stickers work best for my daughter, and I let her pick them out. The chore chart is on the fridge, with the stickers in a decorative bowl on top of the fridge. This really works for us. She knows that she can't go to friends or activities until the chores are marked done. And believe me, she is one active girl, with a group of best girl friends that is amazing! I think there are about 10 of them all together. (I once took 5 of them to the mall and had a blast!)

I don't know if you have tried this with your daughter, but it does work for mine. Honestly, I still sometimes have to remind her when she gets home from school, but she will get right to it when she knows that her friends are going to be calling her or coming over. Also, I added one chore onto the chart (which it has room for, thank goodness!) that is a lifesaver on school mornings. I added "Prepared for morning" which means that she has to have all of her books, homework, bags, etc., ready to go by her coat rack. That has saved me so many late mornings!

I wish you the best of luck. Your daughter is lucky to have a mom that cares so much about her. She sounds beautiful and brilliant. What a fantastic combination!

Hi A.! Your daughter sounds just like mine. My husband and both of our kids have ADD- but the two boys (husband and son) are more hyper, and my daughter is quiet, moves slowly, is tediously methodical, daydreams alot... It is harder to diagnose this type of ADD because these type of kids don't get into trouble at school or get very much negative attention. It could just be her personality type, but it could also be ADD. I hated the idea of medications, but I can't believe how much it has helped them- they are doing better in school, they feel less frustrated, and their confidence is much better. I checked out many books from the library to learn more as well. Hope this helps :)

Relax! My feedback is simply that you relax! If your daughter's grades are "lapsing" in the highest percentile of the gifted and talented students how devastating is that? "Pat yourselves and your daughter on the back" for the positive things you have instilled in her and the way she has displayed that. Also, I have a 10 year old and we "hold her totally responsible" for her schoolwork at this time. If she asks for our assistance of course we "assist" her. We refuse to "help" her which is quite different. In the past, when she asked for help she was really asking us to do it for her. Now she requests our assistance and knows exactly what her part is and what she deserves from us.

She may be "dawdling" to get your attention. If you can literally leave the responsibility of her schoolwork to her and allow the teachers to "serve up the consequences" and let it be between them and her...that will "free you up" to be her mother and you can engage in mother-daughter experiences and give her your attention that way. In my experience, she will "rise to the occasion" once she realizes you and your husband are NOT responsible for her homework or the results of what she produces. Trust her! You've given her everything she needs to be successful and she'll be great!

Thank you for allowing me to share with you! How amazing is having three beautiful daughters...good for you!

In my experience children that have have excellent grades, but care little their homework are BORED. I would consider a more challenging program for her. I was one of these students as a child and my parents enrolled me in a local independent study based school. I was allowed to work at my own pace and pick more challenging & more interesting topics of study. I love school now and graduated high school a full year early with half my college freshman credits. All I needed was something interesting to do and more challenging topics to work on.

Hope that helps and feel free to contact me for more information about the school I went to. It is still around and it is K-12.

As a teacher and parent of a dawdler, I suggest you let her experience the consequences of her procrastination. Make it her responsibility.

Have you considered letting her reap the consequences of what she sows?
Get "off her case", and see if she picks up the reins, if she doesn't she'll have to take responsibility for her actions (or lack thereof). Of course, making sure that she is keenly aware of the 'new' situation.

Just a thought, I remember being that 11-12 year old.

Your daughter is bright, is in the highest percentile on tests, and is in the GT program at school. What was the problem again??? I am a teacher. I've seen this before. It may be many things. It could be that she is not being challenged, is bored, and she is seeing how far she can go and get away with it. She needs to get involved in something that is challenging to her. If what you have been doing hasn't been working, then why keep doing it? Perhaps part of the reason she is acting this way is because it irks you so. So, don't let it get to you. It also could be that this is just her personality. It would do her good to suffer the consequences of procrastination herself. Not your consequences. She's 11. I wouldn't worry about it. Be good role models for her. Reward her when she gets it right. She's smart enough to know when she gets it wrong. When she fails, my guess will be that she'll work to not let that happen again. She's a high achiever. She's reaching an age (teens) where she's going to continue to challenge you. Continue the boundary setting. But really, what she is doing isn't bad.

The world needs dreamers.
I do appreciate that some tasks get to be completed in a timely way, but eating isn't one of them.
We americans eat way too fast. If your daughter is enjoying her food, does it really matter how long it takes?

I agree with her getting to do her chores before being able to play with friends.

Everyone of us has a pace that we run by, appearly your daughter's is a lot slower than yours. What I would invite you to do is allow her the times that she can go slow to do that. Then perhaps she would be more willing to speed up when it is appropriate to do so.

Wishing you and your family all the best,
With Joy, C.
Loving Connections LLC

This was me to a tee. Just make sure your daughter knows that every single grade counts from 9th grade on. I knew this so I didn't stress too much about my grades before that. Once 9th grade hit my grades skyrocketed. I was able to get a full-ride 4-year academic scholarship and did very well in college and grad school. Let your daughter work her her own pace for now. I was really glad that my parents let me do my own thing and I think I took more responsibility for my grades when it counted because of it; there was no urge to rebel or push back. My lax attitude actually helped me in the end. I started high school ready to work hard where many of my friends had really good grades all through school were burned out by the time it counted; their grades went down when it really mattered.

Have you had her tested for ADD by your pediatrician? You just wrote the profile of my oldest son. We did all the behavioral interventions recommended and tore our hair out through his teen years. When we took him for his physical to go away to college, the Dr. screened him for ADD on a whim. It came out very high. A little medication and he has done very well at college and in managing his life.
Who knew? I regret however that it took us 18 years to get good answers!

I have a 12 year old daughter who is the same way. "I forgot" seems to be her new slang. One thing that we have done to help with the "forgets" is make a list of things on a chart in order of priority...which means no texting, messaging, phone calls or TV until homework and chores are done. Her one "prize" is she can listen to music while she does everything which helps her feel like she gets a little of something her way. I also don't let her do her homework in her room, she does it at the table where I can make sure she stays on task.
As far as turning it in, I stay in contact with her teachers via email if she is missing anything, that way I know before it is 10 days late. Our school website is fantastic about being updated daily on assignments too. But I always follow up with her teachers to see what she said...
I have read that kids this age are relearning how to think and make decisions. So when they used to be so obedient and responsible it was an old way their brains figured out the problem. They are relearning new ways to do the same thing so patience I think has to become our best friend. Good luck and please know you are not the only one out there who wants to pull their hair out when your child says "I forgot". :)

Have you had her tested for ADDH? These children are very bright, but have trouble concentrating and day dream a lot. My grown son had ( and still has) ADDH. He rarely did his homework until he got to college. Now he is a rocket scientist for the Air Force. His son also is ADDH and is extremely intelligent. If your daughter has it she needs to get out and run off some of her energy, rather than being contained until her work is done. I would check into this and/or other learning disabilitiies.

Hi I am glad to hear that your daughter is doing so well, I know Parents always want to absolutely best for their children. I have one son and he has always been an excellent student and is also getting ready to graduate. I am not an expert in anything but I do have two undergraduate degrees and am currently working on a graduate one. Even though I am not a psychology major there are many child development classes and other related classes I have had the honor to attend. The fundamental tie of what I have to say is, just the first thing that came on my mind when I read your article. Are you giving your child a chance to be a child?
Since she is always so slow, is there time after she is done with her errands to have some fun? Is this fun unrestricted? I mean can she go out and play in the mud if she felt like it or do you have very strict rules for her when she is playing?
Have you came up with some activities that will give her some expression for her dreams, like letting her write down her stories of her dreams in a book, and even giving her a place where she can draw pictures of her dreams? Maybe she will be the greatest artist of her period, or something else. Dreams are what built humanity and helped bring forth many good things in life that we have.
I hope this helps out a little and I pray that you and your child can get in touch more with her special abilities and an answer to her procrastination.

As an adult who is/was gifted as a child i will tell you that this is very common. i have had to learn, as an adult to "Be here now" i am and was always in my head so much that i had trouble being part of what was happening around me unless it was very engaging. you will have to think of ways, maybe with some help from her teachers to help her practice being present and attentive on the situation at hand. from my experience this has to do with focus and being practiced and disciplined enough to, like i said before, "Be here now" it is about being in control of where your mind goes and when it goes there. hope htis helps, N.
some things that i have tried, setting a timer for a task, (15 min to fold laundry,get ready to go.) i have sat down and planned out the time i will need to get things accomplished on an outing. it seems like alot of the same focus tactics that work for kids with ADD and ADHD work with gifted kids too

I agree that your daughter should be learning some personal responsibility. However, I wonder if this is something entirely within her control. Given the high level of structure and consistent consequences and limits that you are providing, you'd expect most kids to be able to comply without difficulty. But you, and likely she, are still frustrated. Have you considered whether she has an attention deficit disorder? I know this can be a controversial topic, but it sounds like she may fit the bill. Intelligent and caring but not following through. There are lots of things that can be done to help with attention disorders. I'd recommend visiting a reputable psychologist. Good luck.

Your request sound very familiar!! My 1st child, now 13, used to be so slow and sloppy, yet extremely bright. In her 12th year she turned into a neat-freak on her own, hooray! My 10y.o. is equally bright, and forgets to bring books home, and then forgets to turn in work as well. I tied a note to the exterior of his back pack with a list: lunch box (we've since switched to bags he can toss), agenda, homework, and library book. He is supposed to check his list before coming outside, then we check it again in the car. He has to walk inside and retrieve anything he's forgotten. Come to think of it--I did this with my oldest in the 5th grade as well. I assume he will outgrow it within a couple years, until which I will help him with the important things, and let the rest slide. :)

It sounds like your daughter is a visual spatial learner. You can visit the website of Linda Silverman who wrote the book "Upsided Down Brilliance" at gifteddevelopment.com She has many articles about this learning style. Visual learners often do not have an accurate sense of time, this shows up in prioritizing work, breaking it into steps, under estimating the amount of time things will take. Also if the work seems like busy work and not very important, they will not be motivated to do the work. If they are visual, they have a wonderful imagination and will often lose track of time when their mind wanders. Focus is a critical key, as is organization and sequence of activities. They need guidance and support to understand their learning style and what will work for them. They also need to participate in the process and try several strategies before finding ones that work. Read also The gift of Dyslexia by Ron Davis, it discusses the "attention" issue with these picture thinkers. Good luck to you

This is going to sound terrible as advice. But, so what? All of my boys were in the GT programs at their schools and learned nothing extra and didn't have fun but did have extra homework. I think as parents we want our kids to be perfect and turn everything in and shine in everyway that we know they are capable of.

I have found with gifted kids that everything is so easy for them there isn't much fun in school or stuff at home so they are busy in their heads with other stuff as what we feel is important is boring.

This may not be the solution for you but I ended up pulling my boys out of traditional school and have been using an online public school called IDVA which is free. The kids can do all of their schoolwork at their own pace and have time left over to do stuff they are interested in. Sometimes that is just video games. But has allowed them to volunteer and take part in activities that wouldn't have been able to do because they would have been in school. They enjoy it more and so do I.

You get to be more involved and can do the work with them as everything comes with parent guides so you know what they are doing and talk with them about history, science, art, literature as they do the lessons. You get to do art and music ativities with them which has been a lot of fun.

I would look at alternatives for her as she is probably bored in the way only gifted children can be. There are homeschooling activities in the area so she won't be lonely or she can even still be involved in other things such as cheerleading in the schools here in the area and go to an online school.

The online public schools for Idaho are IDVA, IDEA, Connections Academy, and ISuceed. I would look into Xavier school over by the college which is a public charter school that I have heard wonderful things about.

I have two daughters almost 15 and 12. My oldest procrastinates all the time, as does my husband. I have
learned over the past few years that the more I push her
to do her chores and homework the worse it gets. She does
know that if the work doesn't get done and her grades aren't up to par there will be consiquences. For some reason - the less I push the more she gets done on her own....My advice is push her but not too hard, she will
eventually figure it out...I feel they want to be independent and show us that they can do it - but on their
own time. I have also found out rewards work better than
punishment....."you get this done, by this time, we will
or you can go do the things you want, friends, shopping, etc..." Good luck....its not easy.
My younger daughter doesn't procrasinate at all.??