Good Morning All,
My sweet daughter leaves Monday for boot camp. I support her 100% in her decision to serve in our military. I am proud of her and know she will accomplish anything she sets her mind to do.
This is my first to leave. I know she's going to want to spend as much time as possible with friends this week (very normal). She just returned from a week long mission trip in Atlanta serving homeless and children's homes, so I know she's going to want to see her friends who didn't go on this trip. Selfishly, I would like to spend more time with her this week, but don't want her to feel pulled. I can tell she's "pulling away" and I know this is a normal course. She's fiercely independent and I've fostered that.
She's turning 18 on Friday and we are having a birthday/going away party for her at a restaurant in town (we live 45 mins away). She's invited 15 people to eat and then go bowling. I am getting the feeling she would like it to be just her friends. I would like to go to dinner with them, but then her have the rest of the time with her friends. Am I being reasonable? I reserved a hotel in town for the weekend because I didn't want her driving while emotional from saying goodbye to her friends and we have to be at the recruiter's office early Sunday morning. I thought if we stayed in town it would maximize the time she has left with her friends.
I guess I'm looking for support in sending my first into the world. I plan to write her every day while she's at boot camp. Navigating this transition is hard. Any encouragement or advice is welcomed.
ETA: I asked her what her thoughts were around the bday party. She's wanting it to be friends only. I told her I want to be supportive but want some family time too. I think we will plan to have Saturday evening just us. Thanks for all the responses so far. Trying to be reasonable in all this but emotionally it's challenging.
**WW, sorry I wasn't very clear. Our family is staying at the hotel for the weekend together. I am making it easy for her to be with her friends but not drive the 50 miles back to our house when she'll be potentially very emotional. Thanks for the info about keeping it simple. I understand there will be little to no contact from her end and am preparing as much as possible for that. I know not to send anything much. I've been told stories of recruits getting in trouble for what their mom sends, I don't want to do that for sure. :) She's going in the Navy as a Master at Arms. Thanks for your help in preparing me. I'm happy you responded.
**Isn't this Fun - No, we live 45 minutes from the city where all her friends and our activities are. We live in a very rural community and her friends and the activities they enjoy are in that city. Nobody travels but her. She's been doing the drive since she's been driving independently. Traveling down dark country roads with deer, wild boars and cows that get loose sometimes is challenging under normal circumstances. Pair that with someone who lacks sleep because she's trying to do as much as possible, is emotional because she's saying goodbye to her friends, and to me, no thanks. Being in the city will allow her the maximum time with everyone without spending 2 hours on the road in travel time. Several years ago a friend's daughter in our town broke up with her boyfriend and was emotional. She flipped her truck and wound up with a spinal cord injury that put her in a wheel chair for the rest of her life. I worked in the traffic division of a major police department and know the risks of driving while impaired (whether sleep deprived, emotional, drunk or on meds/drugs).
We are not a celebrate on the day family, but she asked if we could have a light lunch family celebration and we are honoring that. We will be doing family time Saturday, just not sure yet what it will look like. Thanks for your insight, I appreciate your experience and advice.
You could tell her that dinner includes the family and she and her friends can do their thing afterwards. It not unreasonable at all.
I've dropped my son off at college 14 hours away from home, and then helped him move several states away. It is definitely hard. But congratulations to your daughter, and please thank her for being willing to serve our country.
My son sounds a lot like your daughter: lots of good friends, and active. What I've found helps, when saying goodbye, is to respect his wishes (for a gathering with friends, without mom around), but to express clearly in words that I want a short visit with him, privately.
And then, what I've learned is not to use that time to unload a ton of advice. DON'T say things like: "Make sure to follow instructions. Take care of your laptop and phone. Be careful when you're out late at night. Drive safe. Don't get into a car if someone's been drinking. Do your laundry." I'm assuming, just like I have, that you've already done a good job of parenting this child, and you've taught your child how to be an adult. It's tempting to breathlessly repeat a long string of mommy advice. But a kid who's been accepted into a good college or into the military already has learned these things. Trust that you've built a good foundation for them.
Instead of reminders, use your time to acknowledge the person your child has become. Thank her for being a good friend and daughter. Tell her you love her, but don't make it a sappy sobbing moment. Celebrate the positive qualities that she has developed. "Honey, I love that your friends are so loyal and kind. Your heart is amazing, and your strength of character will help you through tough times. I'm so thankful for you and proud of you." And keep it short. If you can't bring yourself to say it, write it on a nice note and give it to her to read. Yes, you might only have time for a cup of coffee or tea. That's what I had but my son appreciated it. Try to think of the journey they're about to go on as starting now, with that farewell dinner with friends. Let them have that time, but ask for a moment with a cup of coffee, or ice cream, with you.
I don't have much advice about your party, but I would like to pass along some things we found helped our son who joined the Air Force last year. We found out, when our son was in boot camp, that reading material is scarce, but they allow religious material. In addition to writing to him frequently, I also sent along books about transitioning into adulthood according to our religious beliefs (we're Unitarian Universalists). He said it really helped him to have something to read like that. They are also pretty isolated from all news sources, so I made a point to mention news from our hometown as well as national stuff. And I copied memes off the computer, funny ones, he loved getting those.
A hotel for an 18 year old? no. that's encouraging a lot of bad behavior.
She's going away to boot camp. I understand her wanting to be with friends. I'd say - I want dinner with you and then you can have a blast with your friends.
While she's away at boot camp? Keep it simple. They aren't allowed much. Well - depends upon what service she's going into.
She will most likely be in a barracks with 30 to 50 other females. There will be common area. She will want things to "chill" after the grueling days. She might not even have time to read, she might just shower and go to bed. Sending clips and SHORT books will be great.
I don't even know if she'll be allowed her cell phone. So don't expect calls every day. Don't expect her to write back. Just so you know and aren't hurt or disappointed. She will be allowed to call once or twice.
I don't know about "CARE" packages. Most things like that are NOT allowed during Boot/Basic.So don't send one. Unless she asks for something specific.
Keep in mind the first 6 weeks are grueling. Depending upon her MOS (her career path) she might get an extended training for her chosen field. If she's great at languages? She might be sent to Monterrey California for Language School - which can be six months to 18 months.
I'm sorry if I went off track. Trying to help you get ready for this life change!
All of your feelings are valid. But as a mom who has sent two young people out into the world, here is my advice.
Don't ask her if you can go to dinner. GO. You and her dad, siblings, and even grandparents should be there, enjoying her with her friends. You are still the parent. You get to be a part of this.
And stop worrying about her "maximizing " her time with her friends. You tell her what the schedule is that involves you. You list what she has to get done before she leaves and what her deadlines are. And then she can fill in the blanks with her friends.
You are thinking too much about doing for HER. Instead, think of the family unit. You all deserve it. Not just her friends.
I think the hotel in the city is a bit much for the whole weekend, personally. All my kids' friends live 30-40 minutes south of us, and all the places son's friends like to frequent is *another* 20 minutes south of there. I would never rent a hotel down that way so he didn't have to drive home. Aren't her friends driving home? Can't some of them carpool?
I also wouldn't be part of the dinner. If you are planning Saturday night with her, then do dinner Saturday night with her. If you feel it MUST be on her birthday, then do lunch with her on Friday, let her spend the evening with just friends, and do your goodbye dinner on Saturday.
Yes, she wants to spend time with her friends. And yes, she'll want to spend time with you, too. But probably not at the same time.
Write to her every day, but send her with envelopes and stamps so she can write also (not just to you, but her friends as well). She'll need a small address book, since she won't have access to her phone/contacts list.
Double check with her recruiter about the pre-ship-out stuff. My son was put up in a hotel the night before (a shuttle picks them up around 5:45 a.m. to deliver them to final processing). We chose to say goodbyes the night before at the hotel. They bunk them with one other and room-share. It was a lot easier on all of us (I think) than trying to do that while he was actually about to leave.
I know it is hard. One mom to another, with eldest leaving for boot camp. Don't let your stress show to her. Tell her how proud you are. Tell her it will be hard. Tell her she will make it through. Even on the hardest days, one day at a time, gets her through.
Hi L. - what an emotional roller coaster for you. And, frankly, it probably is for her as well.
I think the daily letters are great, at least for the boot camp period. She's going to hit a wall when she reports, and while she won't admit it now, she's going to need that connection when she's away from you. Most of have found, when our kids go to college, they really wake up to the huge change after about a week or so when orientation is done and the workload sets in. I imagine that might be even stronger in the military when there's far less free time and free decision-making.
I think it's totally reasonable to attend the dinner and then have your daughter and her friends head off to knock down some pins. But I guess I'd suggest that you ask her, and maybe suggest this as a plan. Tell her what you told us - that you'd like to see her and you also know she'll want some time with her friends. She may be dreading the emotional farewell from you, and is avoiding it for the simple reason that powerful emotions (hers and yours) seem overwhelming. But it's both a going-away and a birthday party, and I think it's totally appropriate that family be there for part of it. She may not admit it, but I think she'd feel guilty if she excluded you completely. But you can ask her if this can be a gift she gives you.
Blessings to you all.
I would tell her that this party is your thing and that her family will be there.
OR
I would plan a family day with her where none of her friends are present. Where you guys can go do things together and eat your meals together and stuff. Tell her that you deserve some of her limited time.
I went through this with my eldest also...almost exactly the same with perhaps less people around and mostly a girlfriend. Well, we let him spend whatever kind of time he wanted with his friends, and girlfriend. Made last minute dinners, goodbye breakfasts and I permitted myself to get teary eyed and I out and out told him how much I would miss him. Since he went into the service the girl broke up with him and got married to someone else, his friends have changed -he formed new friendships in the service...and my daughter in law and he moved away so they mostly see only her friends and family anyway. I am seriously regretting that I was so lenient and open about him spending time with his friends and girlfriend at the time because it was a gigantic loss when he left and I wish I had more closure. And while we will always love him so much-the others seem like ships that passed through the night,...good luck Mama. And may I encourage you to keep in contact with the parents and moms of people who serve in the same branch or station of the military for your own support. EDIT...I just saw that this was written last week. And I didn't see that part about your daughter being in the Navy. So I might encourage you in this case, eventually keep in touch with whatever fleet she is on, apply to all newletters and there are online groups of people who share and care with eachother. I was lucky because I became friends with a group now of about ten who have kept in touch thirteen plus years!! Bless you and thank your daughter for her service.
I think it is okay for her to have a "friends party". Have a [even more special] mother-daughter meal with her at a different time. Friday lunch? Saturday dinner?
