V.S.
I think the key words here in your email are, "...it's very hard when she won't allow it."
She needs to not be in charge. When she is kicking and flailing and screaming, you need to leave the room/area/house and let your husband deal with it. When you quit coming to the rescue, she will settle down. He needs to learn to deal with her. I think tons of kids go through this stage. My youngest has just started to put this stage behind him. Things that worked were my husband saying, "You will get to see mommy when we are finished changing your diaper" or "Mommy will come to you when your pajamas are on." So the carrot of mommy was there, but there was no giving in or giving up or handing tantrum baby to mommy. As long as she has hope that you will come to the rescue, she will continue the bad behavior. One thing my husband did with our youngest was insist that the tantrum be over before bringing him to me. He would hold him and just talk to him..."When you are ready to see mommy then we will go. But you aren't ready while you are having a tantrum." He would also put him in his bed. "You can get out when you are in control of yourself." He also started taking him along when he was going on errands. Leaving the house would be hard...lots of yelling, "No-no-no, I want to stay with my mom!" But once he was in his car seat and they were driving down the road he would resign himself to the trip and they'd have a lot of fun.
Good luck. It isn't the most fun stage...esp. if you are the dad!
VickiS